we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "ARE YOU A 'BIF' OR A 'TARDIS'?" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * PONG - Updated for the 21st century, finally * NUTTERS - Kate Bush's maddest fan * QUESTION - Are you a sex offender? ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want people looking at your site? Talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1 Pong remix, Monkey sex & Shopping trolley art >> Mind bending Pong << Hot news Pong fans! After 30 years of development finally a new gameplay element has come to your favourite game. Four paddles! All controlled by you! Thanks to Steff Luczyn for this surprisingly tricky 2 minutes of fun. BTW: He reckons the top score is 50 - can you beat it? Whilst wearing nine pairs of pants and eating a juicy peach? http://h4sh.com/paddlepower * Dirty monkey (now with sound) << Last week we featured a video of a particularly dirty pair of sex monkeys. For reasons perhaps best left unexplored, Cupboardy has added a soundtrack. It's now vastly better though - like something from the private collection of Johnny Morris. http://b3ta.com/links/monkey_video_with_sound >> Shopping trolley art << A few years back we linked to Ptolemy's gallery of hubcap creations. Little did we expect that he'd turn up on our doorstep the next week with a dirty great hubcap fish which has been puzzling visitors to B3ta HQ ever since. Good as it is, we hope he doesn't do the same with his latest stuff, as it's made from shopping trolleys and about seven foot tall. Extraordinarily good. http://www.canadiancontent.net/forums/about16914.h... ------------------------------------------------- : CREATIVE SWEARS New ways to insult people TARDIS - "Like the real Tardis, there's more empty space in some peoples heads than the impression gives. E.g. "You'll have your own eye out, you fucking tardis." (area404) BIF - "Short for bifida, as in spina bifida." (nik_wood28) SPILLAGE IDIOT "Someone who knocks over drinks in country pubs." (expf) What are they saying in your neck of the hood? Jizz-obsessed lexicographers are waiting for your email. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Wry Venn diagrams << Guardian! Looking for a whimsical filler for your increasingly bloated rag? Take a look at this excellent blog, summing up philosophical insights in graph format. http://indexed.blogspot.com/ >> Kate Bush's nuttiest fan << Now your average Kate Bush fan might just jack off to the pictures of her age 17 in a leotard where you could see her prominent nipples. But this chap goes just one stage further. In her song Pi, on the album Aerial, Kate recites the number pi to a large number of decimal places. According to his increasingly tortuous chain of reasoning, this song contains endless levels of hidden meaning. And he's happy to change the evidence to fit his theories. http://www.luttrell.org.uk/pi/stresses_1.htm >> Whatever happened to Matrix guy Larry? << The story's been floating around for a little while, but we were fascinated to learn that Matrix co-creator Larry Wachowski is now calling himself "Linda", possibly taking female hormones and living with a dominatrix. Blimey. Google for "Linda Wachowski" if you want to see some pics of his hot new look. http://snipurl.com/the_mystery_of_larry >> Hypno Arse << This page is entitled 'How to Hypnotise a Man' and Christ they're on the money. We've spunked all our cash into their Paypal accounts now. http://vili.us/hypno.html >> Vintage drug ads << Not, as you might expect, anti-drug campaigns but stuff put out by pharmaceutical companies back in the day, sometimes to push stuff with a very different image today. This is why your mum is addicted to Quaaludes. Also "injectable whole opium ...from the juice of the poppy" - sounds tempting, no? http://community.livejournal.com/vintage_ads/88173... >> Offensive terms per nationality << A pleasing Wikipedia page that will allow you to offend and alienate friends of any nationality. We were probably most offended by White Paki - "Applies to white English cornershop keepers who remain open over Christmas. They are called this because of the tendency of Asian shopkeepers to stay open all hours and not to celebrate the Christmas festival." http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Offensive_terms_per_n... >> Politically incorrect alphabet << Pleasing series of little icons like those wallcharts that teach little kids the alphabet. The artist has done a nice job of picking subjects that aren't quite suitable for children - rude words, bad habits and cultural stereotypes. This would make a great book. http://better-together.co.uk/index.html >> 'Free energy device' interview << The free energy machine has been the dream of crackpots and sci-fi authors for decades - like a modern Philosopher's Stone. Now a bunch of Irish scientists called Steorn claim to have cracked it. Could they be onto something - or is it a sinister viral marketing ploy for Economy Seven. They certainly seem a sober bunch though. http://snipurl.com/interview_steorn >> The best 31 ways to lace your shoes << If you only read one website about how to string the laces in your footwear then make it this one. Although mathematically speaking there are two trillion ways of lacing the average shoe, this site just lists the most significant. It might just save your life. http://www.fieggen.com/shoelace/lacingmethods.htm ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Apparently, I'm a sex offender Last week we wanted your stories of accidental sexual offences. Turns out geeks are useless at talking to the opposite sex: http://b3ta.com/questions/i_am_a_sex_offender/ * MMM, LESBIANS... "I was drunk on a train from Waterloo, and there were a couple of women opposite me that were clearly partners. One was a lot younger with a shaved head, and they had been to see Cats. They weren't unattractive, particularly the younger of the two and so I had a shot at chatting them up. We made small talk and I said, "It's great, isn't it, that in cosmopolitan London a lesbian couple can be so open about it." The older women replied, "I am married, and this is my 12 year old son." The son looked like he was going to cry, and having ruined an evening and probably caused a lifetime of therapy for the child, I just said, "I'm so, so sorry," and moved to the next carriage." (browser) * DEAD FUNNY "Many moons ago, working in a busy pub, I noticed more and more of the clientele staring at me in what I imagined to be awe and respect due to my obviously superior bearing. Nothing had been said, people were literally sitting at the bar, gawping at me. Most strange. Later on, I mentioned this to a colleague, who blithely said, "Ah, that'll be because the boss was telling them about your condition..." My condition? After further investigation, I had to take my boss aside and ask that if she was going to discuss my problems with all sundry, that she kindly remember to tell them that I was narcoleptic, not, as she had been broadcasting, necrophiliac." (Rsoles) * MANLY PROTECTION "One evening, my neighbour started screaming. A peeping tom was observing her from the bushes in the alley outside her bedroom window. In a panic, she came over to my apartment for manly protection. I locked her in, she called the police, and I went out into the alley to locate and confront the pervert. So, who was the only one in the alley when the police helicopter and the canine units arrived?" (Marc Valdez) After posting his story, Che Grimsdale wrote asking if any of you are users of www.trombi.com - for some reason he wants to trace an old girlfriend and is looking for help opening that particular can of worms. Email us at the usual address if you can help him enter a world of pain. >> This Week's Question << Remember trying to be on the cutting edge of fashion? All those home made "alterations" that made you oh-so-cool? Talk us through the disasters here: http://b3ta.com/questions/diyfashion/ ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Threeway fluffy fun >> Two bunnies eating << You'd have to have a heart of stone not to warm to this couple of baby rabbits noshing away at a bowl of tasty green stuff. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Birthday pandas << A collection of pictures of pandas celebrating their birthdays. The middle picture, of Fujian Panda World's Basi, is pure gold! http://snipurl.com/happy_birthday_panda >> Crying rabbit << Another bunny, but this one is very sad. Now we're sad. Aww. http://www.mercia.biz/files/ph/youmakebunnycry.jpg ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Apparently, web video is popular... >> Time for pancakes << Some say pancakes are only for Shrove Tuesday - but they're wrong, they're for Ash Wednesday. But this great vid almost made us reach for the batter again. BTW: This would make such a good format for a student cookery show - catchy song, no-nonsense demonstration, little dance, nice food. Or maybe have one Delia rapping. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Extra episode of The Office << Ricky Gervaise reprises his role from The Office in a faux training video made for Microsoft employees. But essentially it's a new episode of The Office. Particularly entertaining is the song sequence towards the end. Frankly, it makes us want to work for Microsoft if this is the kind of thing they lay on for staff. http://video.google.com/videoplay >> Black Mac ad << The problem with Apple making such iconic yet visually simple campaigns is that they are very easy to parody. Not sure Steve Jobs will be giving the OK on this racially dubious idea to flog that black-skinned Macbook. Great punchline though. http://www.devilducky.com/media/48743/ >> Muse = Gwen Stefani << Can this be really real? If you pitchshift Muse 120% they sound exactly like Gwen Stefani. It's so perfect it could almost be a put-on. Way back, we seem to remember a similar deal where you could make Kylie Minogue sound like Rick Astley by playing a 45 at 33. Ask your mum about it (or your nan if you're pikey). http://b3ta.com/links/Muse_120_pitch_shift_Gwen_St... >> School-leaving funtards << "This is a video made my some spackers leaving my school," blabs electropoof. Actually we wound up liking this short vid of schoolday antics set to Britney's 'Toxic'. Especially good is the bloke who rolls his eyes to the squeaky bhangra riff. Forget Britney - he makes the song his own. http://snipurl.com/toxic_eyebrows ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER >> Cunt records << "I passed this record shop in Lille, France with a pupil from the school I was working at over there," confesses barrythief, "I promptly burst into fits of laughter and was interrogated with relentless 'quoi'-ing until I explained why & it spread through their class like wildfire. I taught a bunch of A level-aged French students how to say 'Cunt'." And he got paid - nice one! http://oxygenthiefmusic.com/digi2.jpg >> Methodhome << Where dirty junkies go to if they're looking to kick the Habitat? http://www.methodhome.com/ >> My school is a penis << Not so much a funny name as satellite footage showing the unfortunate resemblance of this school building to the male genitalia. http://snipurl.com/leetmyschoolisapenis ------------------------------------------------- : ASK THE B3TARDS For when Google can't help >> French gender issues << Last week we asked how the French decide on the gender of newly-invented words. Thanks to the dozens of people who suggested that the French decide the gender of objects by fucking them. But the consensus opinion is that they just make it up as they go along. "It's quite simple, really." replies timekillr. "All we do is look at how the word 'feels' and give it a gender. There's no set rule. It's a cultural thing, too; here in Quebec, we "genderise" our video games consoles to the male gender, but in France, they make them out to be female." This week: - >> Wet stuff << Iambeninem asks, "Why do things look darker when they're wet?" http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2 Blutack pron, Pant Challenge & Crap MP3 player >> Blutack pron << Who hasn't spent an afternoon making small figures out of sticky putty? It would have never occurred to us to make it into a website tho. Or to make a cat shitting on a witch. Whoever employs Dinky Pimp might want to sack them, before they start 'acting out.' http://www.blutackattack.com/ >> Pant Challenge << "A man can only wear so many pairs of pants - and nine is that number." That's what we claimed in a recent newsletter. To be honest, we were talking out of our arses - and Malchick has taken unseemly delight in proving us wrong by modelling for us in his entire underwear collection. Love the note of triumph as he squeezes the ninth pair of briefs over his increasingly lumpy hips... http://www.youtube.com/watch >> £10 MP3 player reviewed << "I've been off reviewing electronic tat again," reports our man in the Pound Shop, Dr. A. "This time I've picked up a funny little multimedia player thing." Long, but worth sticking with. http://www.b3ta.com/links/MP4_Player_Review ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Celeb Biog Challenge Last week we wanted to know to design the covers of unreleased celebrity autobiographies with painful titles. Your favourites included: * CHRISTOPHER REEVE - Magnificent jacket design marking the subject's paraplegic state. (Curis) * PACMAN - Life wasn't easy for the little yellow fellow. (prodigy69) * ROD HULL - Remembering the life of a legend by celebrating his death. (ElephantFresh) All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/celebrity_autobiogra... >> New challenge: Predator vs. Prey << It's the law of the jungle: one species dominates another. But what if roles were reversed? Show us a world in which the underdog always comes out on top. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/predator_vs_prey/ >> Your challenge ideas << We want your image challenge ideas. Then we want you to vote on the challenges suggested by other people. It's easy. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * BRAD PITT - last week we claimed that "Brad Pitt means wide cock in Swedish." Our Swedish correspondent Nekomimi Ninja informs, "The pronunciation is close enough, Bred Pitt would indeed translate to pretty much that. However, the E in 'bred' is closer to the sound of the first E of "here" in English, Brad Pitt pronounced as such would be more like Bräd-pitt, 'plank dick'." * SCARY DUCK SHITTY TOMATOES, want2win1 enquires, "I have been waiting weeks and weeks to find out what happened next?" We put it to Scary and he says, "Here's the official Operation Manky Garden update, especially for you." http://snipurl.com/tomaturds * WEARETHEWEB FAKERY - Pete Freedom writes, "I'm just writing to say thanks for featuring the wearetheweb video. It was filmed a short distance from my house and one of my good friends from high school has a cameo in it. They were looking for people who looked like Chinese Backstreet Boys and apparently he fit the part, even though he's actually Filipino." Gosh! The fibbers! ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * COOKING WITH PISS - Can you boil up pasta in urine? Do you dare eat it? * EDIBLE CLOTHES - make a suit from ham, or a shoes from puff pastry. NOTE: Do not send us a link to that Hatsofmeat site. We've seen it. * SHARING FAT PEOPLES CLOTHES - do you have an over-weight friend? Can two of you wear their clothes simultaneously? Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Adam Mack, Funkster, Conner, patrick, brent, grr_boy, Clairebare, mattwild, hahn, Parrot of doom, andy.hughes2, hybridsyndrome, gerbilinafishtank, auawsha, Steve / KerrangRadio & cragget_. Top Tippery by Greg (in California). Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Word to b4ta. (110006 - 39127) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: When dry-erase whiteboard pens and other marker pens start drying out, you can get some extra mileage out of them by storing them vertically with the tip pointing downward. Gravity pulls the remaining ink into the pen's tip. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive