we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "YOUR OFFICIAL ANTI-SNAKESPLOITATION NEWSLETTER" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * PANTS - Bloke wears 43 pairs for B3ta * NOEL EDMUNDS - Mong noise remix ahoy * RECORD STORE CATS - The 'official' site ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? You know you do, if it's good enough for some pot-heads selling t-shirts then it's good enough for you. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1 Rolf Harris, Noel Edmonds & Record Store cats >> Rolf Harris, King of Wankers << "I recently got the 'Definitive Rolf Harris' album and it was worth the download", recommends Fantastical monkey, "and this is the result of listening to it." He also claims it's got a great ending, but we laughed so much at the intro we never got that far. http://www.fantasticalmonkey.co.uk/Rolf/rolf.html >> Edmonds Spaz remix << Keen B3tards (not B3tans you jizztards) will remember the clip of the bearded TV gnome Noel Edmonds making 'spaz noises' on his hit show Deal or No Deal. Thanks to Mutated Monty for this deeply disturbing remix. http://www.b3ta.com/links/edmonds_spaz_remix >> Record store cats << C_kick is a blokey on our board who has spent the last few months photoshopping cats enjoying their favourite tunes. They've been turning up in emails, been synced to videos on YouTube and the other day we got an email from a mobile phone company asking for the rights to flog them. We forwarded the note and we got the reply, "Another proposal.. ha ha. That would be the tenth.. I'm currently finishing up a deal with biggest fish out there." Anyway, if you haven't caught them yet, you are in for a small but perfectly formed treat: http://b3ta.hnldesign.nl/rsc/ ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes and lies into one handy place on the interweb. Last week we asked you if you'd ever run away. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/runningaway/ * I RAN AWAY BY ACCIDENT "I was living in Newcastle when I got a call from a mate who lived in Manchester inviting me to a party so I packed my rucksack and hitched down too Mancland. I intended to stay for the weekend but got involved in an endless round of drinking, womanising and endless debauchery and somehow two years passed without me calling home or letting anyone know where I was. Eventually I decided that enough was enough and headed home to see my folks. On arriving back in Newcastle I put my key in the door and walked into.....A houseful of strangers. Bloody parents had moved. (Legless) * MYSTERY HAMSTER "Roger, my pet hamster once ran away. I'd had him for about 2 years when one morning I woke up to find his cage was empty. My parents told me not to worry and that he'd be back shortly. They were right, he returned a couple of days later. He must have one hell of a 'running away' story to tell though, cos when he returned not only had he shrunk, but he was also a different colour." (Lt Columbo) * SCHOOL BREAKOUT "We had a thing at our school called Breakout. This was a yearly which was thoroughly encouraged by parents and staff alike and involved small groups (4-5 people) of students seeing how far away they could get from the school in 24 hours without spending any money i.e. hitch-hiking, begging etc. One year, the three finalists were as follows; in third place a group of kids got to Bath, in second 3 of the people in my year got to Bologne but the winners, 4 girls from the upper sixth somehow managed to get to St Petersburg (yes, in Russia). Not a bad effort. They managed to sweet talk their way as part of a courier ticket, i think. Can't imagine anything like this ever being allowed nowadays." (Fray Brentos) >> This Week's Question << We'd like you know if anyone thinks you're a pervert. The winning results will be sent straight to the News Of The World. Talk to us here: http://www.b3ta.com/questions/i_am_a_sex_offender/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> The riddle of China's area 51 << Nice overview here of the a conspiracy theory that's been hot on the web over the last few weeks. In short, a chap found an odd image via Google Maps and all sorts of other people have been debating what the truth could be. http://snipurl.com/uyyw >> AOL search terms << AOL recently made a bid for web cool: they released a fuck-load of data on what user have typed into search engines. Many commentators called it an invasion of privacy, and AOL abandoned the project. This didn't stop several sites hosting the data for their - and your - amusement. http://www.splunkd.com/ >> 1930s London in colour << Book publishers! Here's an idea for you. Remember the TV series, "World War II in Colour?" Do the same for major cities round the world. It'll fly of the shelves like shit off a catapult. Linky goes to a lovely colour picture of Piccadilly Circus. http://snipurl.com/PiccadillyCircus1930 >> KKK Pyjamas << Mums! Are you a God bothering-racist? Here's just the thing to dress up the junior master-race for bed time. Aaww. http://www.armorofgodpjs.com/ >> Snakes on a Plane redux << Last week we controversially claimed that this Samuel L Jackson snakesploitation flick film had "jumped a big snakey shark", basically we were just moaning that we were bored of the pre-publicity . Anyway CactusBrain wrote in to say, "Esquire got there first. Either way, I totally agree with you guys, and the Esquire feature itself is a very good representation of the internet as a whole." He's right, it's a great read. Although it doesn't mention our pet theory that the film came from focus grouping common fears. "So 50% of people are afraid of snakes are they? And the other 50% are afraid of flying? Hmmm, if we combine the two then we'll double the box office." http://snipurl.com/snakesploitation >> Big-cocked stick-men<< This is funny, rude and short. Insert your own joke here. (We tried "As if Danny Devito was re-incarnated as an animated gif" but couldn't really make it work.) http://snipurl.com/rudegif >> BBC nonsense << We always like linking to BBC pages which, if they were on any other website, we would hardly glance at. But by bringing the weight of the BBC to them, it adds an officialdom which amuses us. Read on 'the five stages of drunkenness', as the BBC claim, if you drink enough you turn invisible. Cool. http://snipurl.com/bbcdrunks >> Melting ice-cream << We normally write this newsletter with our friend Dave, but didn't turn up last night and isn't answering his phone. We were just about to stick in a line saying, "maybe he's fallen under a bus or developed speed-AIDS" and then felt guilty that it might be true. Anyway, the point is, we often try and stick an arty link in to keep Dave happy. So here it is. (And Dave, hope you get well soon.) http://www.meredithallen.com/work/gallery/12 ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH We adore the Dormouse Mr. Tea writes - "Apologies if 'things that makes you go aahh is a bit old hat these days, but I saw this dormouse on the Beeb web-site and simply couldn't resist. I mean, just LOOK at the little fucker!" Indeed. It's only a small picture but it did melt our black hearts. http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/devon/4791723.s... ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO >> Spunk drinking monkey << "Has this done the rounds already?" enquires Mystery Bob, "It made me laugh and wretch in equal amounts." http://www.twohundredpercent.co.uk/yum.mov >> Bump keys << Time to get paranoid: your house-locks are worthless and anyone with a 'bump key' can enter in under 30 seconds. We suggest sleeping with an axe on your pillow. http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : READERS Q&A Like Notes & Queries but a bit shit >> Stinky Battersea << Last we we asked why did Battersea smell in the 1970s? The most convincing answer came from djcheesemaster who wrote, "it was because of Prices candle factory on the York Road. I had the misfortune to live on a direct line between that and Young's brewery, so if we didn't get the stench of rendered cattle, it was the stink of fermenting hops." This week: - >> The French? << Douglasbrown asks, "How do French people choose the gender of newly invented stuff?" http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : CREATIVE SWEARING Neolojizm, if you will. We asked you for some of your favourite swears. You replied in fucking droves. FENT - "the smell that occurs when old people have anal sex. Its 100% true. My mate says so!" (majoringram) HOODIE - "New family friendly term for foreskin. Blame it on the kids." (kirton_chris) DUDE - "Arabic for 'camel's scrotum'. I use it all the time." (Anthony Sennett) SMIT - "Local chavs have come up with a new word for people with ginger hair." (anticrazyfrog) SAVILE ROW - "Old man spunk. A Sir Jimmy Savile related expletive." (Bennett Scott) And finally props to Charlie Hammerton who notes, "Frank Zappa's favourite curse was 'may your turds come to life and try to kiss you'" and he also claims that "Brad Pitt means wide cock in Swedish." Result! ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Three links that make us want to commit suicide >> Dick Bellringer << "The journalist who wrote this story is worth a mention", quacks Iridium. http://snipurl.com/DickBellringer >> 22 Coxon Parade << "Anyone who, like me, finds immense pleasure in discovering funny street names can give up now", challenges Stuart Colebrook http://snipurl.com/CoxonParade >> Jizz fashion << "Walking around a shopping centre in Sydney", screams Lucy Doll, "when my boyfriend pointed out an interesting fashion store. I hope not all their clothes are dry clean only." http://www.lucy-doll.com/lucy/100_3636.JPG ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Nanny State Challenge Last week we wanted to you to predict the excesses of the Nanny State of the future. Your favourites included: * GRANDMA NATION - Possibly the most literal entry to a B3ta challenge ever, and all the better for it. Plus it's dead political, like. (Damocles) * EBAY BREATHALISER - Less of an invasion of privacy than a spectacularly useful piece of shopping software. (shavedchimp) * OUTLOOK FILTER - One day all e-mail programmes will be designed like this. (shavedchimp again) All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/nanny_state/ >> New challenge: Celebrity Autobiographies << Ex-Take That member Gary Barlow's autobiography is called 'My Take'. Ho ho. Pick your favourite (or most hated) celeb and think of an amusingly relevant title for their book. Then design the cover. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/celebrity_autobiogra... >> Your challenge ideas << We want your image challenge ideas. Then we want you to vote on the challenges suggested by other people. Go on, rock our world. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * PANTS CHALLENGE - in an explosion of whimsey we asked you how much underwear could you simultaneously wear? WINNER. Nick the Greek made a great little video. "I know I look red and sweaty but you'd be the same after putting on 43 pairs of pants." http://b3ta.com/links/Pants_challenge BOOBIE PRIZE. Tormentedpuffin squawks, "Since I am a lady, I tried it with bras instead. I managed to get all of my thirteen bras on, at once. It was fucking uncomfortable and my ribs are still hurting." http://snipurl.com/lookatmybras * WOOYAY AUCTION. 300 quid was raised the charity St Francis Hospice. Fucking amazing really. Who the hell would want that domain anyway? http://snipurl.com/wooyayebayauction * FLOPPY AND THE BONE - Daryl Stewart confesses, "I work at Oxford University Press's distribution warehouse in my shitty home town, and we stock all of the books! Anyway here's a picture of the main kid in the book pretending to be the dog...apparently." Heh. http://f10.putfile.com/main/8/22211105289.jpg * TOP TIP ERRATA - Rachel Sugarcat mews, "the top tip in last week's newsletter is a load of bollocks. Potatoes don't absorb the salt in a soup. If you over-salt your soup, your best bet is to add more water and other ingredients to dilute it. Or just feed it to someone you don't like who has high blood pressure." * NOSTRIL CHALLENGE - Crooked smirks, "Four fingers up your nose? I can do better. 92p per nostril." http://snipurl.com/lookatmyfuckingnose ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2 >> Jimmy Savile song << 'Jimmy Jangle' is a new track from Braaayks Unskippable. Your Ginger Furher and Veitch reckoned it needed a quick and shoddy video so dashed this out for your viewing pleasure. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Jimmy_Jangle >> Tesco War << Remember that Alex Mallinson bloke? Nope? He did the dancing 2CV thing that even your dad emailed you last year. Ben Wheatley, no fool he, has joined forces with the talented 3D animator to raise the production values of his own projects. This is the result. BTW: This will also be broadcast as part of the BBC show 'Time Crumpet' featuring Nicholas Lyndhurst fucking his own grandmother, becoming his own Granddad and causing a time paradox, "There's spunk in the space time continuum, and we need to reverse the polarity of my testicles!" Gah, we're making this up to make Ben feel paranoid, but enjoy the clip, for it is very good. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Tesco_War >> Doctor Who skit << Dr.A has worked out how to do Dalek voices and re-dubbed this Doctor Who clip with a script about call centres. Funny. No, really. http://www.b3ta.com/links/One_day_at_Torchwood >> Perv catcher << "Hi", cybers Gary, "I've just made a new site all about catching pervs. Thought that it may give you a few laughs." Heh, we're not sure who the pervert is here. The people who Gary catches with his "I'm a 12 year old girl schtick" or Gary himself. Gary, admit it, you wish you were a little girl getting unlawful attention from older blokes. (We know we do.) http://www.catchaperv.com ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * TOE NAIL CHAIN MAIL - get all your mates to give you their toenail clippings and knit them together. * FUCKOFFIMNOTJOININGYOURSOCIALNETWORK.COM - it really needs to be said, but we can't actually we arsed to sort it out ourselves. My god! How many of these fucking sites are their now? * TONGUE STICKING OUT COMPO - We can only keep our tongue outside our mouth for about 30 seconds before giving in. Can you beat us? Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel. David Stevenson is unwell. Stuff sent in by hahn, jen, ben_dadds, and raerth. Top Tippery by sosumi. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is normally QOTW bloke but he's off this week having babies (Yay to the new arrival.) Yay to b4ta. (For it is they who rule the world.) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Baby wipes are great for cleaning paint and/or stain off of your skin, plus they smell nicer than turpentine or gasoline. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive