we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "IT RHYMES WITH GITA. AS IN SANJAY AND GITA" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * B3TA BOOK - Preorder on Amazon now * FOOD - Eek! It's the meat cake * VIDEO - Motorbike + kiddy roundabout = blimey ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Buy the book, Meat cake, Fridge swears & Beer >> Sick Joke Book, Amazon preorder << We started an experiment: could we use the interweb to make a book? A sick joke book to be specific. We got you lot to send us jokes and illustrations and we used this newsletter to find a publisher. And now? You can actually preorder it on Amazon. Woo. Also young Joel Veitch has made us a short video of his favourite joke from the book, which seeing as we've embarked on this project with a literally zero budget probably counts as our marketing campaign. So go on, buy it for your strange uncle who only laughs when there's a death in the family. http://www.sickjokebook.com/ >> Meat cake << "Those fools at the Western Culinary Institute laughed at me," snarls Vashti as lightning crashes round the battlements of her ancestral castle. "But lo! I've made a cake ...out of MEAT!" It's undeniably impressive, although your editor, like Hitler a vegetarian, visibly palled at the sight of so much chunky meat. http://www.velcrohead.com/vashti/baking/meatcake/ >> Swearing fridge << Recently your Ginger Fuhrer visited a school fete and came back laden with magnetic letters. After sticking them on the fridge he noticed that the child minder had taken it onto herself to arrange them into swears, then Eva Braun (the official B3ta wife) added a few more. Your Fuhrer doesn't like to see a job half finished so amused himself over the next few days trying to made every word vaguely offensive and have no letters leftover. And before you write in saying what dreadful parents we are, it's gone now and the mini-fuhrer (a tot-talitarian if you will) can't read anyway. http://www.flickr.com/photos/robmanuel/199583490/ >> "Let's get wasted" << "Our Guitarist, Pat, asked Luxus lager if they'd give us hundreds and hundreds of free beers if we filmed ourselves drinking them," beams sun-kissed Joel Veitch. "Amazingly, they said yes, and duly, hundreds upon hundreds of beers arrived outside Skipper's boat." Cue the Seven Seconds of Love boys getting hammered, arsing around in boats and making sweet, sweet ska music. Is this the future of beer advertising? http://www.7secondsoflove.com/wasted/ ------------------------------------------------- : BRIBE CORNER Win a t-shirt Chateau Roux sent a pile of 'bespoke vintage t-shirts' to bribe us to link to their site. Being as they are more suitable for dashing youngsters rather than us old nerds, we're turning them over to you. Send an email with 'b3ta competition' in the subject to [email protected] and check out their site. http://www.chateauroux.co.uk/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> The truth about cats << Jeff is a cute ginger moggy who looks like butter wouldn't melt. This is a photo blog of all the small creatures he kills and eats. Frankly, this is very grim - to the point where it's almost a shock site. Jeff is the new goatse. http://www.whatjeffkilled.com/index.html >> Gay sex cakes << The sheer variety of crudely-drawn sex acts and stodgy-looking cock-cakes is what impressed us here. There are things going on on some of these cakes that are unappetising to say the least. http://www.thecakegallerysf.com/x1ratedcakes1gay/l... >> 1996 internet << Since 1996, the Internet Archive has been storing copies of web pages for posterity. This chap decided to take a look back at those distant, heady early days of the web. From the evidence he gathers, we can only agree: the web used to be pretty shit. http://www.msu.edu/~karjalae/internet96.htm >> USB grill << It's a little game in B3ta towers, speculating on what unlikely thing product developers will slap a USB plug onto and sell as a peripheral. We never would have thought of this though: a lightly glowing USB George Foreman grill. If it wasn't actually available for sale, you'd think it was a hoax. http://www.thinkgeek.com/stuff/looflirpa/igrill.sh... >> Frosties boy - the truth << A mention of that tooth-grindingly awful Frosties ad last week prompted people to send in a number of amusingly morbid stories about the fate of the annoying child actor who sings the jingle. Our favourite, that he died of cancer before the ad was made and the entire thing was pieced together out of prerecorded footage as his dying wish. http://www.snopes.com/radiotv/tv/frosties.asp >> Peter Doherty interview << Like most of humanity, we're very bored of Pete Doherty's over-publicised self-destructive antics. But this article is fascinating reading - giving an insight into just what a chillingly fucked-up state the bloke has got himself into. http://snipurl.com/smackhead ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Keeping YouTube in ad revenue since 1894 >> Scooter + playground = bad idea << Some slightly chavvy boys and girls being a bit silly, with painful consequences. Starts slowly, the end is well worth the wait. Someone should probably report them to social services though. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Darth Vader's nervous breakdown << Star Wars, overdubbed with Vader overdubbed with dialogue from other James Earl Jones films to comic effect. Great to see the Imperial forces staring aghast at this dangerous lunatic wearing a bucket on his head and babbling about baseball. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Extraordinary graffiti robot << Much as the spinning jenny and power loom led to vast redundancies in the 18th century textile industry, we're expecting mass protests by the thousands of graffiti artists soon to be made unemployed when this machine hits production. You start off thinking the pic is shit, but the machine's deceptively precise. http://snipurl.com/Graffiti_Machine >> 'My Animated Life' << Classy stop-motion 'day in the life' of a young bloke obsessed with retro video games. Nice Tetris sequence and we are extremely jealous of the guy's TV set. Wow. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Best mum ever? << Clearly made as some sort of viral, but good nonetheless. Young girl puts on a sexy webcam show for her boyfriend, unaware that her mum has just walked into the room behind her. Classic teenage fear, the warm cup of tea discovered by the bedside when you've just had a wank etc. http://fishki.net/comment.php >> Scared shrinking owl << Obligatory clip from Japanese TV. A big, fat owl is startled, with extraordinary results. It winds up looking more like a cat. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Self-destructive dancing << Apparently a classic Aussie TV moment, this guy's flamboyant dancing alone is enough to guarantee cult status. But then, in a move meant to look lithe and catlike, he manages to kick himself in the head and staggers to an embarrassed halt. http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER 'Bondage' lawyers Words fail us, seeing the full name of these intellectual property lawyers. There's some sort of strange S&M undercurrent there. Makes you see their slogan "harness your future" in a whole new light. Hehe. http://www.hdp.com/frames/00000.htm ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Ronseal Challenge Last week we wanted you to show us a world where everything did exactly what it said on the tin... Your favourites included: * WAITROSE - Clever yet painful Dr Who pun in tandem with the delightful use of BBC stock photography. (WOLF) * MOLASSES - But how many do you get in a tin? We need to be told... (HappyToast) * FLASH LIQUID - There was always going to be an influx of Flash Liquid entries, but this animation is beautifully realised. (amoebaboy) All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/ronseal/ >> New challenge: If Apple Made Everything << Five years ago, Apple was a niche brand for geeks and creatives. Now everyone owns an iPod and Apple stores are springing up like Starbucks. But what happens when the takeover is complete, when everything is made and controlled by Apple? Show us the goods... And bollocks to the moaners who are saying this is a shit challenge. You'll see. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/apple/ >> Your challenge ideas << We want your image challenge ideas. Then we want you to vote on the challenges suggested by other people. It's easy. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * BATTERY EXPLODING IS DULL - happy_tree_friend_666 deflates, "In reference to that thing about batteries on a fire, it's not amazing. You get a small crackle and then a loud(ish) pop and then nothing." * MORE STORIES OF THE SPIT - God_of_the_mind dribbles, "Whilst on the subject of collecting spit, when I was a kid, I tried to make a giant ball of bogies. Much like a ball of elastic bands, everyday I collected bogies after school and added it to the ball. After a while, I got it to the size of a golf ball. Unfortunately, due to dehydration of the ball, it crumbled to bits. Somewhat disheartened, I called it a day." * MUNTERS ARE GREAT - last week we got a cheap laugh from the Munter vans. Apparently it has fans including TheDuckHouse who writes, "Nearly three weeks ago whilst sat up watching Buffy the Vampire slayer at 2 am and drinking Stella the pre-historic fuse box in the cupboard under the stairs in the house I rent finally shuffled off its mortal coil and took myself and my two housemates with it! Munters sorted us out, they are great." BTW we're running this partly to link to his photos. Our readers live in squalor! http://snipurl.com/dirtybastards * B3TA ADVERTISING WORKS - occasionally one of the companies who bought a sponsored link gets in touch and says how much difference it's made to them. Remember the War On Terror board game people? These guys were looking for funding and preorders to make their dream of becoming millionaires come true. Anyway, the link helped them get the funding, plus numerous media appearances too. You can buy the game for Xmas (if you like, this isn't actually an advert) via the wonders of the below interwebby link. http://www.waronterrortheboardgame.com ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Restaurants, Kitchens and Bars... Oh my! Kitchens are simply vice dens with food. This is confirmed by the sheer number of wanking into the mayonnaise stories. Or, as reader ChaRleyTroniC puts it, "I now know what is meant by 'may contain traces of nuts.'" http://b3ta.com/questions/restaurantskitchensbars/ * Towering Inferno "By the end of this semester, we will have to use the extinguisher at least once. Don't let it be because of you." These were the words of my teaching chef. Luckily, I wasn't the one who wound up setting the ceiling on fire. Now as you may know, seafood in lemon butter sauce is a classic dish. It is made by taking lemon juice, wine, and herbs and heating them in a saucepan, before adding massive quantities of butter until it thickens into a thin paste of deliciousness. However, if you attempt the sauce-making process in reverse, like my fellow classmate decided to do... Large amounts of butter go in the pan. Pan is heated on burner flame for a few minutes, before water-based liquids are added. Water instantly flash-boils, spraying superheated grease everywhere. Classmate screams, drops pan into burner flame. Large amounts of grease splash upwards, while burner flame spreads to it. Result: One very impressive pillar of angry orange inferno reaching from the tabletop "porto- range" straight up to the corkboard drop ceiling. It looked like it should be advising Charlton Heston of some additional commandments." (Drakkenmaw) * Boiled Breasts "I used to be the manageress of a restaurant with a gaggle of giggling chavvy teens as my waiting staff. Hey, they're cheap. We did a lot of buffets, it being a hotel, and served the food from chafing tins, long steel trays full of boiling water, heated by paraffin lamps, with the trays of food perched on top. My chavtastic slaves stired the chilli or whatever disinterestedly and flopped it on the partygoers plates. Now, being a posh hotel and all, we had some very lavish IN and OUT doors to the kitchen. Clearing up from a buffet one evening I hear a THUD, a sound like someone had dropped a dustbin lid, and a high pitched squeal. Turns out that Nikki, a large chav with a ginger ponytail on the top of her head, had picked up a chafing tin full of boiling water and taken it in the OUT door. Trouble is, an equally dumb (but door-rule-adhering) waitress had come OUT at the same time. Nikki had poured scalding water over her chest. The sight of a big ginger girl pulling off her now see through white blouse and sticking her bright red glowing boobs under the pot washer's cold tap whilst squealing like someone trod on Mickey Mouse is permanently etched into my memory (and her mammaries)" (Derek Acorah's Spirit Guide Sam) * Back room car parts "In the pub I worked in, we had a back room with no bar that could be let out to private parties. A regular booking was for the Morris Minor Owners Club. I found out one of the favourite pastimes for this group was 'guess the part.' They'd pass round a black velvet bag with a part from a Morris Minor in it, each member would feel inside the bag without looking and write down what they thought it was. There were ten rounds..." (Che Grimsdale) >> This Week's Question << We'd like you to tell us about the intense friendships you've had - you know the ones that had you vowing to be friends forever, yet descended into madness and spite. Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/intensefriendships/ ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * GLUE ADVICE - Jamie526 enquires, "I need some advice. The glue sticking the little rubber pads on the bottom of my laptop has melted and the pads have come off. I've tried re-sticking with super glue, contact cement and even Araldite, but nothing will stick to the rubber. Could you ask in your newsletter if anyone knows a good solution?" * SATALITE COCK FLOWERS - thetoxicbarmaid speculates, "I think it would be rather amusing if a mass movement of flower planting in fields and anywhere possible of giant CDC and other things, so when the google earth satellite images were updated, we could have lots of lovely images of penises, viewed from space." * READERS QUESTIONS - have you got an insolvable quandary you wish to put to the other readers of the newsletter? Get in touch and tell us. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by edwoods100, insert_username_here, Russ@not-saying-because-google-picks-my- distinctive-name-up-and-mates-and-family- comment-on-it.com, acemiller101, Hez, Kourosism, nachos b, and the sexy peronthious. Top Tippery by adedar_raeyvan. Not tippery by Steptoe who's obviously a little stinky and writes, "If you're in a rush to leave in the morning and don't have time for a shower, Spray-on deodorant makes a nice quick 'Shower-in-a-can'" Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Word to b4ta. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: So it's camping time again! Before cooking anything on your paraffin burner, rub soap on the underside of the pan. When the underside gets all black and dirty, it will just rub off. Tested this with washing-up liquid - works a treat. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive