we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "WILL THIS SUBJECT LINE PERSUADE YOU TO OPEN THIS EMAIL? CLICK HERE TO FIND OUT" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * MAGNETS - Nutter sticks them in his fingers * PRODUCT - Fake bollocks for your cat * VIDEO - Underwater air-rings ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Flyers, Fruit, Fire and more... >> Disturbing flyers... << Ehehanne observes, "This was a free leaflet I got in The Daily Mirror on Saturday. Subscription to porn catalogue...nothing wrong with that, but free knives?!? Are they trying to get men to buy their girlfriends some lovely underwear...and then stab them?" So very very wrong. http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j18/b3taer/knive... >> Fruit up the exhaust pipe << C_Phoenix10 is clearly has void in his life than needs to be filled. He's been spending his time shoving fruit and veg up a cars surprisingly spacious exhaust pipe. We think he's making a point about silly macho cars, but really, it's just kind of odd. http://www.nottingham.ac.uk/~cczcp1/pics/car/shock... >> Setting fire to aerosols << A few weeks back we asked you to send us videos of you playing dangerous games by lighting aerosol gas. We didn't really expect you to do it! Thanks to Quibble for this collection of vids, and we hope your mother is proud. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Crap Kersal sound-board << Remember the Kersal Massive? You went wild for those crazy kids, ooh a couple of months ago. Max writes, "I've made an amazingly low-rent Kersal sound-board. The low production values are a tribute to the original - and nothing to do with this being the first flash thingy I've ever made." Heh. It is a bit shit, but we enjoyed it. Especially clicking very fast to make Doctor Who noises. http://www.eviltechie.co.uk/kersal.swf >> 2001 in 2001 seconds << Mr.Swith whispers, "I've edit a version of the film 2001: A Space Odyssey where i cut out all the shite boring bits and reduced the running time down to 33.21 minutes (2001 seconds). I reckon people would like to see it in your newsletter, cos it means they can watch a film at work on their lunch, isn't it." Warning: this is a massive download and the choice of music (Gary Numan!?) is going to make purists fume. Still, kept busy for a bit, and we love the edit of 'lunch-time edits' of popular films. http://swith.gazaxian.com/2001seconds.htm ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Have you been mugged? Last week we were asking if any nasty robbers have ever dissed you in your own hood. http://b3ta.com/questions/mugged/ * That's not a knife... "A friend at uni used to knit chain mail for the local Society for Creative Anachronism (people who like to get together at weekends and pretend they are knights errant). It's gotten late at the jousts, and he doesn't have time to strip off the mail or the sword, so he just puts on his cloak and heads for the subways. Little mugger comes up to him on the platform (in the days before CCTV) and says, "I've got six inches of steel here that says you'll give me all your money." Friend leans into the knife (chain-mail, remember?) then opens the cloak to show a hand on the sword hilt, says, "I'll see your 6 and raise you 20." Little mugger turns much paler and quietly vanishes." (chazz) * White guys pretending to be black "I was waiting for a bus in Hackney. A 17 year old wigger bad boy sucks his teeth in, 'Giz your wallet.' 'No', I reply. Sucks his teeth again, 'Giz yo wallet or I is gonna get my people on you.' A Caribbean pensioner laughs and says, 'Yo peepil? Who is yo peepil? Dey is Mary Poppins 'an scooby doo! Now you missed da school bus ten minute ago, get ya walkin!' 'Thanks' I said sheepishly. 'No problem fella' said the old man, 'I sin him every day walkin' down here, only normally tis with an au pair you see.' 'And what about scooby doo?' I ask. 'His par sister look like a dog.'" (sadler) * Educated French muggers Even the bloody muggers in Paris are more cultured than their English counterparts. I was heading down St Germain when these two skinny French blokes bashed into me and demanded some cash. Being outnumbered, and not being able to leg it past them, I feigned incomprehension, saying, "Sorry. I don't speak French". Not realising that these were upmarket euro-thieves, I didn't anticipate that one of the guys would then say in his best Antoine de Caunes accent, 'Oh. I am zo zorry. In Engleesh then. Pleeze give me your Euros or my friend will 'urt you wiz hiz knife'. (String Theory) >> This Week's Question << We'd like you to tell us about the largest amount of cash you've handled. Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/themostcashevercarried/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Magno-fingers << How far would you go to get an extra sense. This chap had his finger sliced open at what amounts to a piercing parlour and a magnet put under his skin. Now he can sense electricity. Although, apparently he also gets loads of email from nutters who think he can also sense UFOs and ghosts. http://www.wired.com/news/technology/0,71087-0.htm... >> Fake bollocks for your cat << Loads of people have their pets neutered, but this seems to be for those who become neurotically worried that it has affected Fluffy's quality of life. Yes, fake, plastic testicle implants for your cat. The NeuticleUltraPlus are recommended as "the latest in solid silicone technology and feels almost like its' liquid filled." Eww. http://www.neuticles.com/index1.html >> Exploding laptop << Does your computer get a bit hot when you use it for a while? Careful it doesn't suddenly explode, belching flame and spurting molten plastic over a wide radius. Like this one. The owner's advice if the same thing happens to you? "Stay away." Oh, for the record, it was a Dell. http://www.theinquirer.net/ ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH New kittens "I know you like kittens, so I thought you might be interested to know my mum has just had some," remarks patstew. Obvious wisecracks aside, here are some pictures of a lovely litter of 5-week-old kittens. http://patstew.f2s.com/serafine/Fiveweeks.html ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO We admit, we're addicted to YouTube >> Underwater air rings << Blowing smoke rings is sissies. This Japanese chap is able to lie on the bottom of a swimming pool and blow perfect rings of air through each other. Impressive trick, although we wonder precisely how he came to realise he could do it. The rest of the site is worth a look too. http://snipurl.com/tvinjapan >> Surprising paternity test << Elona and Richard are one of those white trash couples you see on US chat shows. It's not the result of this televised paternity test that are shocking, it's that the bloke doesn't seem to have thought for a second that their child wasn't his. Their little boy is quite clearly black... http://www.youtube.com/watch >> YouTube rocks << We've been sticking YouTube stuff in the newsletter for months now, but we were just looking at one link and fucking off. Maybe it's reached some sort of critical mass now, but recently we've been wasting loads of time on it - it's become a massive fan scrapbook of video and it's bloody great. Here's someone who's archived off a load of 80s classics good and bad for your delight and bemusement. http://www.worksafevideos.com/music_videos/ ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Running this hurts us more than it hurts you >> Aryan Cars << Good to see Nazism is alive and well in the land of Volkswagen dealerships. Sieg Heil! http://www.aryancars.co.uk/ >> Clit hero << Need some office junk stored or moved? Then you need clit hero. http://www.clithero.com/home/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Road Signs Challenge Last week we asked to see road signs updated to accommodate 21st Century needs. You delivered. Our favourites included: * LET'S FACE THE MUSIC - The lyrics of Frank Sinatra used as a tool to keep the road-weary traveller alert. Genius. (NoMoreFaith) * QUANTUM JUNCTION - a hilarious pun on the discontinuous change which an electron undergoes as it goes from one energy level to another without passing through any intermediate levels. Apparently. (Threepwood) * ROUNDABOUT - Scarily accurate representation of the relationship breakdown that occurs between all couples on long-distance journeys. (bilbobarneybobs) All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/roadsigns/ >> New challenge: Pimp My British Design << Take a UK design classic like a Mini and pimp it up for 2006. Sponsored by the British Design Council, and there's a prize too, so get to work! http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/pimpmybritishdesign/ >> Your challenge ideas << We want your image challenge ideas. Then we want you to vote on the challenges suggested by other people. It's easy. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * PLEASE NO MORE HICCUP EMAILS - shemavrik chirrups, "My friend put a tenner on the table and said 'You can have that if you hiccup in the next ten seconds.' I waited... and waited... and TRIED to hiccup... and could I? No." * RIZLA COMES UP TRUMPS - last week Adam was complaining that as a Rizla competition winner he hadn't been sent the key to open his prize cigarette vending machine. He gasps, "Many thanks for the link. Those lovely people at Imperial Tobacco have managed to get me a key. As an extra added bonus. They say they are sending me a selection of Rizlas! Excellent." * CAMOUFLAGED WHEELIE-BINS DANGEROUS - "I piled into one on my bike and I ate the brick path beneath." So let that be a lesson to you. Pretty things aren't always good things. * PENIS CAST WOMAN - Remember that lady who wanted to take moulds of your cocks? She's started, and she's even made a chocolate one as well. http://bcccastingcouch.blogspot.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * LIVE ON DOG FOOD FOR A WEEK - and upload clips of yourself munching down on pedigree chum to YouTube. It'll be a hit we reckon. * PRETEND TO BE FOREIGN - stand next to the House of Parliament and ask for directions to Big Ben. Film peoples reactions. * MICROTOURISM - forget going on holiday anywhere fancy, rent a room a couple of miles from your house and see what it's like there. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Pachey's bumhole cake is butterfly poo, mattwild, willb508, Toist, BigFinger, patstewl, jon626537 and M3ssential. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Nuff respec to b4ta. (109286) ------------------------------------------------- : TOP TIPPERY: "Living in the jungles of New Guinea as I do," brags Jason. "I can't exactly run down to the local compy shop when my CDs get so scratched up that the computer can't read them any more. But I've found that if I smear the readable side of the disc with a thin coating of ordinary toothpaste (i.e.. not gel or that stripy shit), then wash it off, it removes the scratches and the CD works again. In maybe 75% of cases." ------------------------------------------------- : SPONSORED LINK "Same shit different day? Stop being a wage slave - do something you love. Chinwag Jobs - now with added monkeys. Your boss fears us!" http://jobs.chinwag.com/p/b3ta_jun23 next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive