we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "CHEAP LAUGHS AND TAWDRY LINKS SINCE 2001" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * CHALLENGE - New road signs * HUH? - ASCII-Art 1940s style * BOOK - 'Who cares about disabled people?' ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Blackmail Web 2.0 thingie << Tedious barks, "It's been a while since I've made anything, but I'm quite proud of this one. It's what Flickr would be like if Flickr was run by evil Eastern Block Mafia." We tried to encourage Tedious to make this for real, instead of it just being a joke, but he was having none of it. Spoilsport. http://www.extortr.com/ >> B3ta consumer affairs << Adam Welch writes - "Hello, you may remember me from newsletter issue 160ish. That blumming Cillit Bang experiment has had me answering emails for over a year now! I've recently won a cigarette paper vending machine and it's without a key, and Rizla won't answer my emails." Heh - can someone from Rizla please get in touch with this bloke? http://www.adamwelch.co.uk/comment.php >> Pop-star cartoons << "My name is Nick Talbot.", boasts Nick Talbot,"I am in a band called Gravenhurst that is on Warp Records. More importantly, I make a mean-spirited and bellicose satirical web-comic called Ultraskull." Not bad actually, kept us amused for 20 minutes or so, although we're partly sticking this in because getting emails from internationally famous rock-stars makes us feel special. http://www.silentagerecords.co.uk/ultraskull ------------------------------------------------- : SPONSOR DAVE Newsletter co-writer in charity bike-ride SHOCK David Stevenson emails, "Hey mister Rob, Just thought I should remind you that I am on holiday this week. And, indeed, I am writing this from the deck of a yacht in the Sardinian port of Cagliari. Also, should you see fit to use it, I have finally got my London-Brighton sponsorship page up." Yay, the Princess Diana-haired fop is peddling like a bastard this weekend to raise cash for the British Heart Foundation. An issue he personally cares about as his poor old Dad had a few problems with his ticker last year. So be generous! http://www.bhf.org.uk/sponsor/davidstevenson ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Awesome Sickies What with the World Cup and all, we wanted to know your best sickie excuses: http://b3ta.com/questions/awesomesickies/ Here's four that amused us: * Accidentally called in sick "I have this weird voice thing which means that for the first hour or two after waking up I sound like death warmed up. So, anyhow, a few years ago, I called my boss's mobile around 8am from the train station, to say that I would be late, as the trains were delayed again. All I said was "Hello"... He said "Oh, my goodness! You sound awful. Will you be back in tomorrow?" I suddenly twigged. "Er, I'll try, I said", and the call ended with him advising me not to push it too hard. So I went home again, surprising my then partner, and we went out for the day. And the following day. Then I went back to work. So, it wasn't my fault, I didn't *mean* to call in sick, it just... happened." (purplegod) * Sore parts "One kid in my form was off for two days and, on his return without a sick note, he informed the form teacher that he had been sick 'with masturbation.' No idea what he thought he meant, since he looked a bit blank at the whole class laughing at him." (Captain Haddock) * Not really a sickie, but a great skive "When I was a travelling sales rep, I used to be sent all over the country to the most god-forsaken places on earth. To combat this, I devised a somewhat ingenious solution: I stayed at home. My boss would regularly phone me while I was 'in my car' to check how I doing, so I recorded a sample of my car engine noise, complete with a couple of indicator clicks and engine revs on my laptop, which I could start at a moment's notice while the phone was ringing. Excellent. Well, it was until my doorbell went during one such 'trip'. I told him it was a warning light on the car as the engine kept overheating. Later on I had to actually work for 2 weeks because my boss needed the laptop for a presentation. A little while afterwards, I was up to my usual tricks when I should have been working... The phone goes, so I quickly reach for the shortcut on my desktop to the recorded car sample. Imagine my horror when I find it has been replaced with one of my boss saying 'you're fired - now fuck off'. Never lend your boss your laptop." (well its not going to suck itself) * Lost "At my old job in London we got a new girl in the accounts dept. On her first day she went to lunch and then phoned a couple of hours later to say she would be a bit late back, as she'd gone for a walk and was lost. That was the last we ever saw of her." (kmlabs) >> This Week's Question << Have you ever been mugged? Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/mugged/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> ASCII-Art 1940s styleee << A few weeks back we called this very newsletter 8===w=) is ASCII for wanking, a reference to the retro technique of using letters and characters to approximate images. Little did we know that the idea goes back to before computing and be-bearded geeks were doing such things on typewriters in the 40s. BTW: If you've got time, check out the rest of the site, there's lots of fascinating scans of ancient science magazines, including a flat-screen TV invented in 1958. Actually, there's an idea for would-be inventors here, buy up a load of computer magazines from 20 years ago, and see what people were dreaming about then, which would probably be possible now. http://blog.modernmechanix.com/2006/03/13/ascii-ar... >> Odd logo of the week << Gordon writes, "OK, imagine you run a storage and delivery service. You store stuff securely and you deliver on time, helping your clients keep their promises. You need a logo something that will sum up those values: 'Safe, reliable Safe, reliable, Got it! A camel being punched in the face!', The camel's got a black eye and he's snotting and spitting blood. It really has been whacked properly and more than once. Brilliant." http://www.assistwarehousing.com/ >> Unusual hay-fever cure << Man travels to Cameroon to walk through shit to get a hookworm infestation to cure his asthma and hay-fever. All grounded in medical fact apparently. Do any of our readers want to try this for themselves? It's like the return of medieval medicine, leeches cures and all that. Maybe you want to see if pubic lice can fight against flu? http://www.kuro5hin.org/story/2006/4/30/91945/8971 >> Learn darkie-talk the Japanese way << Puzzled to see this odd little book, apparently to aid Japanese people to speak 'black'. We certainly do like the idea of lost Japanese tourists wandering about Harlem going, "yo startin' to sound like a bitch!" Further investigation reveals that this book is a self published vanity project, but the question remains, how did it end up being sold in W H Smiths? http://snipurl.com/japsforblacks >> Sex toys for Peados << Writing as a family newsletter we can't condone the use of putting saddles on adults and allowing children to ride them like horses. Actually, let's just cut and paste the copy from the website because it sounds mental and perverted, "A soft, stuffed 'saddle' for Dad (or Mom) to strap on, to give the give kids (age 2-6) a horsy ride. Offering interactive fun for kids and adults, the Daddle is made of washable sturdy cotton, complete with soft saddle horn and adjustable stirrups." http://www.cashelcompany.com/dad.php >> Designer wheelie bins << This selection of flower-covered wheelie bins has been sent in with the comment, "no. 1 reason to censor the interweb." Actually, we don't agree and quite fancy one for B3ta Towers. http://www.wheelie-bin-covers.co.uk/products.html >> Another web revenge story << Lengthy, but definitely worth the read. Some guys friend had her phone stolen, so he asked the guy who took it to give it back. He said no, so he waged war on him, internet style. It's probably going to end in the arrest of the guy who stole it, but at the moment its still ongoing and extremely amusing. http://www.evanwashere.com/StolenSidekick/ >> Gammy porn << A reader whose name we won't publish confesses, "Guys, this model's site give me a semi-lob every time i look at it." Quite frankly, we're appalled. She looks like a lovely lady and we wish her every success in her modelling career. http://www.kellyalice.co.uk/frame.htm >> When Adsense takes the piss << Vince writes, "You recently ran an item about an inappropriate Google sponsored link on somebody's webpage. Think about it; you're running a news item about the press conference given by the East London Raid Brothers - the two guys who were nicked in the middle of the night by 250 cops, shot, had their house meticulously and thoroughly trashed, were held for a week without charge and then released on account of the fact that they're totally innocent. An operation now regarded as an unmitigated disaster for the boys in blue. So what do you think Google might decide to advertise next to this item? Go on, have a guess." http://www.b3tards.com/uploads/adsensrozzers.gif >> Illusion tutorial << Doing the rounds of the social bookmarking sites like Digg and Delicious this week as been been this neat trick. We wasted a good 30 minutes playing with photoshop making our own versions with kittens, you may wish to do similar if you're bored like. http://www.johnsadowski.com/color_illusion_tutoria... >> Store prank << 80 people dressed as store employees descended upon the local Best Buy (American equivalent of shops like Comet) and hung around helping the customers... A fun and possibly inspiring read. http://snipurl.com/pxpp ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Promoting Youtube before it goes all Pete Tong * JAPANSESE BAND-AID TIPS You say: This is fucking genius! We say: This is fucking retarded! http://youtube.com/watch * TEENAGE GIRL VIDEO BLOG You say: Ha, ha, look at the silly girl. We say: We wonder what her parents think? http://www.youtube.com/watch * FROGGER WITH TOY FROGS You say: Cool stop motion video game. We say: Oooh, can someone make this work as a real game please? http://www.veoh.com/videoDetails.html * DEMFORMED TORTOISE You say: This makes me sad. We say: Remember bonsai kitten. http://snipurl.com/awwwpoorthing * OOZINATOR 'BUKKAKE' TOY You say: A great product for kids?! We say: Stop sending this link in already! http://snipurl.com/putz * BLOKE PUKES ON STRIPPER You say: Best party ever? We say: Fratboy or Twatboy. http://www.filecabi.net/video/lapdaceforget.html * BIRD IMPERSONATES CAMERA You say: Wow. Just wow. We say: Larvell Jones (Police Academy) with feathers http://snipurl.com/rqm8 ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER For fucks sake please kill it. Emilianopetronilli writes - "There's this new beer being marketed in Italy, it's called DRIVE, with DRIVE stamped in big capital letters on the label." Nicely fitting in with the cultural stereotype that the spaghetti-munchers are all drunk drivers, and a great jingle to boot. http://www.drivebeer.com/main.html ------------------------------------------------- : BOOK OF THE MONTH Who cares about disabled people? An ill-thought out double meaning here? Or are they being clever? http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/085953361... ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Tory Challenge Last week we we were playing wind-up and got you to photoshop Tory posters to help them become elected. We were both pleased and slightly frightened to see the results turn up on several right-wing blogs. Our favourites included: * WORD SEARCH - using cunning trickery to get the vote. (Afinkawan) * CONS.ER...VAT.I'VE - probably the most 'viral' of the entries. (The Great Architect,) * STICKER SWAPS - you can always trust Monkeon to produce something odd. All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/tories/ >> New challenge: Road signs << Already looking popular is our New Road Signs challenge, 21 pages of entries so far and numerous links from popular blogs such as BoingBoing. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/roadsigns/ >> Your challenge ideas << We want your image challenge ideas. Then we want you to vote on the challenges suggested by other people. It's easy. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * LEGAL TROUBLE FOR POO SONG - DogHorse writes - "Gillian McKeith's lawyers got shirty with us and threatened a libel case, and we acknowledge that Gillian McKeith's PhD is, of course, as real as any other gained through the former American Holistic College of Nutrition's correspondence courses." Heh, and Tim has edited a similar line into the video, which actually makes it much funnier than before. http://stablesound.co.uk/poo.php * JOKES BY KIDS - Presto writes, " I've got a little joke made up by an 8 year old I know who wants his joke to get on the interweb: Q. What is Dr Who's Favourite Food? A. Dalek Bread!" ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. BTW: This is the hardest bit of the newsletter to write, and every Friday we're always scrabbling around BBC news to see if anything inspires us. Anyway, to save our tears, we'll actually give you some real advice for once. DON'T * Rip-off Joel's Kitten animations, we're not going to run them. * Describe your great idea and emailing asking us "are you interested?", we can judge on results, not ideas. * Tell us you never read the newsletter and we're crap and then ask to be featured. * Send us press clippings of your website appearing in national newspapers. We like to be first, or at least early. * Plaster it with so many ads that we can't hardly see the content. DO * Run with a silly idea that you thought up in the pub. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel without David Stevenson because he was on a posh holiday hence. Stuff sent in by redazril, richibald, Fascists Eat Donuts, hahn, tgs, redazril, PMGT, grungernelly, v.rogers, hannah.saks, alex.morris, Richibald, inder, rob.gilbey, José el Gorrion and Jimmy Large. Nobody reads this bit so we can stick rude things here like bumhole and poos. Top Tippery by Pachey. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. B4ta in da house. (109200) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: If you get gum stuck to your hair or clothes, use peanut butter to remove it. The oil dissolves the chewy stuff, and the peanut butter washes out easily with shampoo, detergent or washing up liquid. ------------------------------------------------- : SPONSORED LINK "Same shit different day? Stop being a wage slave - do something you love. Chinwag Jobs - now with added monkeys. Your boss fears us!" http://jobs.chinwag.com/p/b3ta_jun16 next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive