we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "WE CAN CONTAIN OUR LOVE FOR RUSSELL CROWE NO LONGER" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * RIMJOBS - Yay or nay? * CHALLENGE - Make Tory propaganda * VIDEO - Noel Edmonds - spaz hater ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1 Rimming, 9/11 and Poo >> Rimjobs: Yay or nay? << The folks at Goodiebag grapple with the question on everybody's lips. Okay, they ambush a selection of hapless punters with a question about rimjobs. http://www.goodiebag.tv/video/rimjobs.htm >> Happy 9/11 << Butters claims this short animation "conveys true historical events." Hmm, we hope that Butters enjoys his new career as a Troll. http://madandugly.drunkrhino.com/happy.htm >> Arson Sam 4 << We love the idea behind 'Arson Sam'. If you reverse kids' TV show Fireman Sam, the main character goes around starting fires and causing trouble. Custardy's just finished the fourth instalment and looks like there may be more to come. Huzzah! http://www.b3ta.com/links/Arson_Sam_4 ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Missing Body Parts Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes and lies into one handy place on the interweb. We wanted to know if you had anything missing. From this we discover that TWO B3ta people possess a third testicle and a scary number have had to have toenails removed... wash your feet, folks and have a good rummage - you never know: http://b3ta.com/questions/missingbodyparts/ * Womb with a view "Ten years ago I had to get neutered for medical reasons and being 24, I asked that my girly bits be returned to me so I could give them a decent atheist burial. After a considerable hospital stay, major surgery and some top class drugs, I was discharged home. Three weeks later I rang the hospital and asked where my ex-organs were. Long story short: 6 weeks later I finally tracked down the charge nurse on the gyny ward and she told me to come in and pick up a package that was stored in the ward fridge. I trekked over, got the brown paper bag with a heavy container handed to me and headed back home on the bus. At 2am I decided to take a peek (as you do) and I shit you not, the container was filled with mashed spud and mixed veg. I like to think that some poor old dear was served an interesting snack that night. Never did find out where they went..." (jo-jo the majic clown) * Missing boob "I used to work with someone who only had one boob (breast cancer had resulted in the loss of the other one). Being quite a well-endowed woman, she wore a large fake one to balance herself out. One morning, she came dashing into my office, looking awfully lopsided, and shouting 'I've forgotten my boob!' It was too far to go home to fetch it, so she wrapped some bubble wrap in a duster and stuffed that in instead. It crackled when she moved." (Pachey) * Bacon slicer... "I used to work in a butchers and once I agreed to a bet to stick my cock in the bacon slicer. I didn't damage my cock much and found the experience actually very pleasant, but I got caught by the boss and he sacked me. Mind you, the bacon slicer was his 16 year old daughter." (Boom boom! emadex) >> This Week's Question << Ever phoned in sick? Lied? Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/awesomesickies/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA T-SHIRTS £10 SPESH Summer madness has hit the shop. Pretty much like the sunny weather it'll only last a week. Men's red shirts for £10, and selected girl's shirts £10. Get them while it's hot. http://snipurl.com/ku5y ------------------------------------------------- : RUSSELL CROWE LOVE CORNER Hopefully not the start of a regular feature Got a spare 20 minutes? Read this lengthy article about Russell Crowe's ham-fisted attempts at manipulating the press in relation to his music career. Fantastically detailed insight into celebrity paranoia, from a journalist who was asked to be the star's PR guru. http://snipurl.com/russellcrowesstooge Leading us, by way of Google, to one of the thespian man-mountain's many fan sites. And what fans! There are simply pages of peculiarly Russell Crowe-based photoshops. Our favourite is this section -five pages-worth of Crowe perspiring in 18th century naval uniform and crudely stitched into a variety of vaguely romantic situations. http://snipurl.com/russellcrowefucksowl ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates. >> Get the Hoff to number one << Doing the rounds this week. Someone has finally twigged to the massive power David Hasselhoff wields over gentlemen and ladies of a certain age. Here's a concerted PR campaign to get the Hoff to number one by, er, rigging the charts. http://www.gethasselhofftonumber1.com >> Animation vs animator << Inventive short anim where the stickman drawings fight back against an animator with godlike powers and a deadly flying cursor. People who use Flash regularly will appreciate nifty use of the palettes. http://abum.com/file/shadow/animations/17632.swf >> 'Glamour' shots of BB's Aisleyne << Grot shots of Big Brother's Aisleyne anyone? They really do pick the classiest types for these shows. http://snipurl.com/grotshots >> Stupid eBay questions << This hapless bloke just wanted to sell his car on eBay. Inexplicably, he then became the target of every half-wit and would-be wag on the web. His exasperated replies to some very dumb questions make for good reading. http://snipurl.com/ebaybummedmymum >> Tiny trebuchet << Another entry into the genre of 'things to make at work if you really want to be sacked'. Detailed instructions on how to build a very small siege catapult out of paperclips, the only thing lacking is a video showing its full destructive powers... http://snipurl.com/mywinkyisstinky >> Blow-up chicken shed << Unless we miss our guess, this is some sort of inflatable protection for farmyard fowl. The artist's impression makes it look like the space-hens have finally landed. http://snipurl.com/henParty >> Extreme balloon sculpture << Feast your eyes on as extensive a collection of balloon-sculpting prowess as you're ever likely to see. Some of it is disturbingly poo-like. http://www.laurel-travel.ru/kreo/ballon.html >> Annoy the authorities << Run a blog? Amnesty are profiling websites that governments have tried to block and ban. you can put little fragments of censored content on your own sites. The more people do it, the more censored stuff gets seen, the more the authorities get pissed off. If you don't do it for us, do it for the kittens. http://irrepressible.info ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Ceiling cat We didn't wank for a week when our grandfather died. We were scared his ghost could see what we were doing. We had no such problems looking at this pic, however. http://www.ceilingcat.com ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO The stuff that'll ruin the internet >> Forearm forklift << This actually looks like quite a good idea. Wrapping some sort of tape round your arms and lugging furniture apparently becomes very easy. And the video has sexy ladies lifting heavy weights - what more could you want? http://www.forearmforklift.com/home.htm >> Spoof phone ad << Dunno much about the company whose ad this is riffing off (Telecom - New Zealand's telecoms monopoly), but it's a genius bit of angry redubbing. "Telecom tricked us and that's really fucked!" snarls a little kid. http://snipurl.com/oohlooksimasnurllink >> Noel Edmonds - spaz hater << Lovely clip from afternoon favourite Deal or No Deal, with Noel Edmonds inadvertently laughing at a picture of a disabled child. The speed with which he goes into reverse is delightful. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Fountains of Coke << By now pretty much every knob-head knows that cola explodes when you put Mentos in it. So these two nerds take that effect and use it to make something truly fantastic. People making a music video could do worse than rip this off. Actually, Coke should rip this off - apart from the unfortunate 'Coke explodes your stomach if you eat mints' subtext. http://eepybird.com/dcm1.html >> "I love you" pug << Wittgenstein said that if a lion could speak we wouldn't be able to understand him. This dog can say "I love you", but in a voice so disturbingly harsh it gave us nightmares. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Learn sexy English << Slow start, but worth sticking with this dodgy Japanese language course to teach you to sex-talk in English. http://b3ta.com/links/Lets_Sexy_English ------------------------------------------------- : FILTHY MARKETING >> Young Person's Railcard << Not so much dirty at the time, but we're fairly sure the rail companies won't be running this campaign again in a hurry... http://snipurl.com/garyglitterfuckskids >> What are Pedo Pearls? << We shudder to imagine what the person naming this product was thinking - or the audience they wanted to attract. http://www.copalite.com/PedoPearls.html ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER It's shit, but you keep sending them in * NATIONAL SLAG ASSOCIATION - oh that 'by-product of smelting ore / cheap tart' joke is never going to get old. (Thanks Pachey) http://www.nationalslagassoc.org/ * IKEA 'JERKER' COMPUTER TABLE - let's all sing together, 'the internet is for porn.' Or burn down your local Ikea in a Fight Club style anti-consumerist terrorist action. http://snipurl.com/psdg * POOR GEORGE LUCAS - This week we find that 'Jedi Jedi' is Nigerian for piles. ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2 Shit and Arson >> Shit gaming review << Dr. A has been boldly venturing to Poundland to once again review the very latest in gaming tat. This week it's Sony rip-off the GameStation. And, not to spoil anything, it's crap. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Fake_PlayStation_reviewe... >> "I wanna look at your poo << "I've made a singalong video featuring Gillian McKeith," boasts eclectech. The hunchbacked TV faeco-phile is accompanied by penguins on piano and the ever-present smell of shit. Music by DogHorse and Miss Prism. http://eclectech.co.uk/gillianpoo.php ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Tom Cruise Challenge Last week we wanted to know what life would be like if Tom Cruise were God. Our favourites included: * SISTINE CHAPEL - Medieval mingles with modern as Michelangelo meets Mission Impossible. (The Great Architect) * TOM CRUISE BIBLE - The good book gets a Hollywood makeover with new chapters based on Cruise's most miraculous movies. (Monkeon) * TOM WHO? - Cruise wields his almighty wrath against anyone who doubts him. Or calls him gay. (alwayslostinsmoke) All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/tomcruise/ >> New challenge: Elect The Tories << Blair's been in charge for a hundred years and it's time for a change. So let's make campaign material which the Conservative party can use to get elected. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/tories/ >> Your challenge ideas << We want your image challenge ideas. Then we want you to vote on the challenges suggested by other people. It's easy. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * EVERY TIME WE GET STUFF RIGHT - our inbox stays empty, we get something wrong? We're flooded. Literally hundreds of emails saying, "Wonder Showzen is on TMF (on Freeview), so it actually is available here! And it's fucking ace! You stupid cunts!" Apparently Sky programme guide describes it as like "Playschool on acid." Which is actually one of our favourite journalistic clichés, probably done parodied best by Q magazine who once strapped a cover about Sergeant Pepper as, "It's like the Beatles... On acid!!!" * PISS GAMES - a few weeks back we asked you to play games with urine. Parsleythelion informs, "here in New Zealand there's a radio station that used to have a competition called 'Tinkle Tuesday'. People would phone in and piss while the DJ timed it, but by some of the times they used to get I'm sure some people were just pouring water into the toilet!" Heh. Endemol call us ASAP, we have just seen the future of TV entertainment. * MINI COLONEL SANDERS - "you've reminded me of the old style KFC logo's that were (and still are) on some of the shop fronts. I always thought that Colonel Sanders looked like he had a massive head and really tiny arms and legs." http://www.seanrobins.com/images/hillary_kfc.jpg ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * TRICKS WITH AEROSOLES - as kids we used to enjoy filling up dustbins with air freshener throwing a match. A pleasing fireball for all the family. * HOW LONG CAN YOU KEEP YOUR MOUTH OPEN COMPETITION - we've just tried 1 minute and drooled, whilst our tongue became unpleasantly dry. * EAR WAX CANDLE - yeah yeah, don't run away, what we mean is can you extract enough wax from your ear to make a candle? Will it even burn? Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson via an unholy union of Mediawiki and TextWrangler. Stuff sent in by stevierar, Twizt_McTiger, a.r.lupton, monkeon, ElRodente, Yankee-Doodled, Andy, awestmoreland, redazril, MrHeed, stevejmorgan, marmiteycat, GlamBoy, annaelizabeth, logic2, and not forgetting Mykeyboy. Danny McNamara is 36 you know. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Melvins & Chinese burns to B4ta. (Bigger number - smaller number, which people occasionally email in about, little knowing that it's a great secret.) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: * ERRATUM - "In your tips bit you missed out the final part of the last tip, hearing your friends talk in clubs.", notes Creeativta, apparently the trick is to stick your fingers in your ears. * EGG TIP - "When breaking eggs, use a large piece of egg-shell to retrieve any small bits of egg-shell that have got in the bowl. It works like a lovely eggy charm. (Whythebigpaws) ------------------------------------------------- : SPONSORED LINK "Same shit different day? Stop being a wage slave - do something you love. Chinwag Jobs - now with added monkeys. Your boss fears us!" http://jobs.chinwag.com/p/b3ta_jun09 next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive