we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "MAKING PAUL DANIELS PARANOID, EVERY FRIDAY, FOR FIVE YEARS" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * SHEDS - Best home improvement ever * STALKING - Paul Daniels on eBay * CHALLENGE - Tom Cruise, please don't sue us ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Sheds, Flickbooks and Stickmen >> Sheds of Destiny << Wilco runs a site where readers can send in pics of their sheds for the delight of other men. One of his shed-heads has transformed his garden man-cabin into an opulent Roman temple, complete with flaming torch. "It's the best shed I have seen in a long time," says Wilco "and I have seen a few in my time." We can think of no finer place to hide from the wife, reading Razzle and drinking potato wine. http://www.readersheds.co.uk/readersheds/share.cfm... >> Flickbook shit << Flick books were what webtards used in the days before Al Gore invented the animated gif. This website where you can make your own rudimentary animations has been storming round lately. B3ta reader P3te has produced a particularly fine sequence of a man shitting from a great height. http://www.thepartybasket.co.uk/flipbook/flip.pte.... >> Stick figure quiz << Matazone is a clever chap, coming up with a quiz where the crapness of the art is actually a feature. See if you can guess the film or whatever from the faintest of visual cues. Or submit your own. We liked this a lot, but the problem we had was that about 80% of the questions are easy/gettable, while the rest are some obscure scene from Sailor Moon and you'll never ever guess it. Bah. http://www.stickscene.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Never meet your heroes We wanted to know which of your heroes had disappointed you in real life: http://b3ta.com/questions/nevermeetyourheroes/ A good deal of your stories were about people who actually turned out to be quite nice, but here are three that let you down and once case of extreme stalking that made us laugh: * Voice of an angel. "I was once in the Cardiff Bay area with a girlfriend when my lady pointed at the flats behind us, "Charlotte Church lives there." I spent the next fifteen minutes shouting at the top of my voice, "Charlotte Church! Charlotte Church." I didn't get bored. I did not waver. I stood and shouted it, always at the same volume, same octave... over and over again. "Charlotte Church... Charlotte Church." It was like a monotonous car alarm just sounding out the name Charlotte Church. It became my mantra. I don't even think I was fully aware that I was saying it anymore. It was just dripping out of my mouth, like a Welsh named syrup, Charlotte Church... continually falling out of my mouth and sounding throughout the bay area. Well eventually a net curtain pulls back, and who should hang themselves out of the window but the Welsh wonder herself, wearing nothing but a bathrobe, last night's make-up and a cigarette on her lips... "What!!! What the fuck do you want?" She says, in her lyrical Welsh voice. And I didn't know. I didn't know what I wanted. Why was I shouting for her? "Erm... nothing. I just wondered if you were in." (I'm a schmuck) * Hawking "Stephen Hawking - mind size of a planet, complete twunt though: wouldn't sign my book." (alz0r) * I was tricked by PJ And Duncan. "When I was little I thought PJ And Duncan (now Ant and Dec) were great. I went to see them in pantomime at Lewisham, and was bought up on stage for the audience-participation part. Me, and two MUCH OLDER children, were given musical instruments. I had a squeezey-horn thing. We had to "play" them in order to make a song. Only my one wouldn't play, and I was terrified. 100s of people watching me and laughing. This went on for AT LEAST AN HOUR. Once the laughing had died down, DUNCAN took my musical instrument and squeezed it and low-and-behold it worked perfectly (in fact a man in the soundbox had pressed a button). They gave it back to me, still didn't work, they took it back, it worked, they gave it to me, AND I FUCKING CRIED AT THEM. All I remember now is crying, a giant goodie bag, and a life-long loathing of Ant and fucking Dec." (stevierar) * Don't look at the hard drive "My mate Jon is a copper and met his boyhood hero when he had to arrest Gary Glitter after the now infamous PC World incident. He doesn't want to be in Gary's gang any more." (weebear1974) >> This Week's Question << We want the bits you are missing. With photo evidence if possible. Go here, and laugh at others misfortune: http://b3ta.com/questions/missingbodyparts/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates. >> Stalking Paul Daniels << UK magician Paul Daniels is an ill-tempered demi-midget with an aptitude for sleight of hand. He's also an eBay user. Someone has stumbled on his ID and this blog details, in painstaking detail, all of Mr. Daniels's eBay doings. Has Daniels got a stalker or is it someone just having a laugh? http://www.pdet.blogspot.com/ >> Harry Enfield's IMDB picture << It's really rather odd. Can they imagine that's how he really looks? http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0256960/ >> Desktop warfare << Learn how to create projectile-launching weaponry from just the stuff you find lying around in your office stationary cupboard. It's the sheer lethality that's admirable here - the photo of a Coke can transfixed by a high-velocity pencil gives you the idea that, while you could get fired for this, at least you'd be able to fight off the security guards trying to escort you from the premises. http://www.officeguns.com/gunadv_super_maul.html >> Child's toilet costume << Parents looking to emotionally scar their offspring for life could perhaps consider sending them trick or treating in this sartorial depiction of a commode. The treat is a stranger shitting on their chest. http://www.anytimecostumes.com/costumes/02189163.h... >> Jesus pan << Ebay's full of auctions for Jesus' face 'miraculously' appearing on a variety of foodstuffs. Just get one of these pans with the messiah's face on the bottom and you've got a production line to instant riches. If the people who made this were serious about cashing in, they would make on with The Hoff's face on. That's David Hasselhoff, btw, not Dustin Hoffman - not so popular. http://jesuspan.com/ >> Stupid frat boy business ideas << They're the business plans made by naive college grads and this guy pours scorn on their utter foolishness. Quite a long read, but we enjoyed it partly because it made our apathy seem somehow wise. The comments with comebacks from entrepreneurs are also worth a glance. http://snipurl.com/lickmywelshpenismumm >> Zombie Wedding << How to spoil your wedding for your parents and in-laws; get everybody to dress as the living dead. The twin coffins for the bride and groom are a nice touch. The group photo is impressive - worth noting who didn't come as a corpse. http://snipurl.com/mummyyourpenissmells >> Transparent butterflies << The Glasswing is a Central American butterfly with see-through membranes in its wings. It's oddly beautiful but rarely seen in the wild. That would be because, as mentioned above, it's mostly transparent. http://snipurl.com/ojrx >> Creme Egg omelette << To celebrate Lordi's recent Eurovision success, these guys made an extravagant omelette made of Cadbury's Creme Eggs. Dear God, it looks vile. http://www.thegdp.net/2006/05/24/creme-egg-omelett... >> Free Friday Thing << Back when we launched B3ta, our bitterest rival was lengthy satire newsletter The Friday Thing. Luckily, they were only available to people who paid. Now they've made so much money from shonky web/book tie-ins (including ours coming soon) that they can afford to give it away for free. They just want your email address. http://www.thefridayproject.co.uk/tft/subscribe/ ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Cancer scare hedgehog Huff the hedgepig's owners have been keeping a photojournal of the spiny little chap since 2002, when he was the size of a conker. After a recent health scare he's back on his feet and cute as ever. http://www.triagonal.co.uk/Hedgepig/Huff2002.html ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Raping your bandwidth with our meaty-cucumbers >> Kitten vs Laptop << We've spent many an hour arguing about the new Apple laptops at B3ta Towers. Are they shiny enough? Can we get one in pink? But like most important decisions in our life, we leave it for the kittens to decide. SPOILER: The kitten loves them. http://snipurl.com/r98q >> Hitler kid << A little boy dresses up as Hitler and interviews passers-by "What is wrong with the youth of today?" Great stuff - really sharp. It's a segment from Wonder Shozen, an MTV series we'd very much like to see over here. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> The best paper plane << It's a five-minute video of someone making a paper aeroplane and (spoiler) he doesn't even fly it at the end. But it's still good - the plane he shows you how to make is one of those sophisticated two-part jobbies that look ace. http://video.google.com/videoplay >> 50 Cent v. Thomas the Tank Engine << There's something quite satisfying about watching Fiddy and his hip-hop entourage cavorting to the merrily twee sounds of the classic children's show theme. The irony is that Thomas the Tank Engine's lawyers are probably more litigious than 50 Cent's, so catch this while you can. http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Serial killer special >> Dr Shipman's surgery << The American doctor seems blissfully unaware of his infamous UK namesake. Phrases like "He treats each patient with the same unhurried concern as he would want for his family" had us sniggering. http://shipmaninc.com/dr.html Other murderers include: * Hindley Children's Centre http://snipurl.com/myrahindley * Brady's Toys and Banks http://www.mechanicalbanks.com/ >> Bonus otherage - free! gratis! << * Brent Council own-goal acronym: http://snipurl.com/iloveyourshat * Pete Doherty's favorite website? http://www.scag.com/locator/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHEN DESIGNERS TURN BAD Shed trauma Some web designers put extra invisible text on the pages they make so as to fool search engines into making them more popular. If you click and drag on Merseyside Sheds website you can see it has the normal 'sheds', 'bespoke' and that kind of thing. Then someone very angry has also added, invisibly to most visitors; "DAVID WAH IS A COCCAINE SNIFFING DIRTY COCKLE PICKER HE LOST ELLIE AND IT ALL WENT TO COCK ELLIE RAN OFF WITH THE BUILDER SUCKING COCK FOR CASH WHATS NEW KEV STEVO WE TOLD YOU IT WOULD BE YOUR TURN TO BE SHAFTED AND YOU WERE WELL AND TRULY NO PROSPECTS FOR YOU KIDDA BANG GOES THE INHERETANCE." Seems a little harsh for a site about sheds. http://www.mdsheds.co.uk/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the L33t Challenge Last week we wanted to know what life would be like if animals were l33t, familiar with the secret ways of the web. Our favourites included: * BIRD MIGARATION - in which a flock of birds get impressively geeky on yo ass (Ad7) * WTF - in which the World Wilflife Fund reveal a dramatic new logo (Droog) * RSS FEED - Fact: Sheep + RSS = Web 3.0 (collapsibletank) All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/l33t/ >> New challenge: If Tom Cruise Were God << Can you imagine what life would be like if Tom Cruise was in charge? Pretty odd, we think. Cruise fact primer: Tom is a Scientologist, and NOT AT ALL GAY. http://b3ta.com/challenge/tomcruise/ >> Your challenge ideas << We want your image challenge ideas. Then we want you to vote on the challenges suggested by other people. It's easy. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * SQUIRREL UPDATE REQUEST - "Any chance," bellows Tony, "of an update in the newsletter on that guy who rescued a squirrel and had it as a pet? Has it been flushed down the bog yet? is it being kept in a cage rocking back and forth cos it's gone mental? Inquiring cynical minds need to know! I'll probably be disappointed in a happy ending." So, Hairy Midget - what's the news? http://www.b3ta.com/links/13427/ * EBAY REVENGE - Last week we featured Spikytom's revenge against a bloke who sold him a dodgy laptop. This week: 'Police Investigate Hate Website'. Ah well, if they were serious about it they would have shut him down. http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/london/5030814.... * HISCOX RESPONDS - last week we pointed out that this insurance firm has a rude name. B Gower got in touch with them to ask if they had any plans to change their name "to avoid the usual crop of sniggering innuendo." The response? "Subject: RE: Hiscox.com enquiry Dear Sirs Thank you for contacting Hiscox. Although we appreciate your feedback we have no immediate plans to review our name or logo. The name is very well known within the insurance market and we do not want to lose the brand associations we have built up over several decades. We our proud that Hiscox has grown from a small family business and our Chairman is still a founding member - Robert Hiscox. Yours sincerely, Victoria Sutton" BTW: Note the "We our proud that Hiscox has grown" line... ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Dragon's Lair made by cheese-tards Old cunts will remember Dragon's Lair from the Arcades in the 80s. It featured 'real cartoon graphics' via a 'laserdisk'. The downside being that the gameplay was crap. Our man here has remade the experience, but with really perfunctory visuals and somehow, it's utterly great. Or so annoyingly tricky that we started giggling anyway. http://www.studiohunty.com/dungeon/ ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * TESTING X-RAY CAMERAS - can a large breasted science lady do some photo experiments with this? http://www.kaya-optics.com/products/experiments.sh... * MAKE OUR INTERNET DREAMS COME TRUE start a 'Jim'll Fix It' style site where punters can make suggestions like 'I'd like my own sex cult' and you make it happen. Film it, sell the TV rights, and indeed profit. * PROCRASTINATION FIXING MACHINE - as per usual we've left writing the newsletter to the last minute. Hold on, actually what we need are slaves. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Wormulus, Dave Gorman, Restoration Dept, pgm28, hahn, oodles, sinisterduck, rhcpaul, megalowho, i'm a 2@, grubbymits, Frankie Pigeon, Streki, asims taintedlove_1979, dan, djfrankiepigeon Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. You said you loved me or were you just being kind? Or am I losing my mind? Nuff respec to b4ta. (109032 - 35319) ------------------------------------------------- : TOP TIP Section ballooning like Freddie's AIDS mushroom >> Sneezing controversy continues << * "Thinking about the back of your neck as hard as you can - imagine you're having an out-of-body experience - I know what your thinking - complete bollocks - but it does work." (p togneri) * Or alternatively "Why an earth would you not want to sneeze? Surely it is more irritating to 'miss' a sneeze? If so, look at a bright light, like a light bulb, or the sun, which produces sneezes every-time." (beddoes) * Whereas "Hiccups can be stopped purely by mind over matter - all the old tricks like drinking from the other side of a glass are just difficult to perform and force you to think about something other than hiccups, which is why they work. Which makes me wonder - can you do it with sneezing too?. (Electrichamster) >> Tips not about sneezing << * "Use an old credit card to scrape away dried on food from work surfaces, pans and anywhere else it might fall." (expiry_date) * "Think you might get caught short needing a pee when driving on the motor-way? Take an empty fabric conditioner bottle with you to relieve yourself in. They have a wide neck which prevents a bad aim, a decent volume so no over-flowing, and the best bit is the lovely fabric-softener smell covers up the stench of piss. Perfect!" (Alice - yes, a woman) * Beat condensation while you're trying to shave. Try putting a tiny bit of soap some bog roll, add a drop of water and give the mirror a quick rub. Viola! Your mirror will magically repel steam for up to a week! (chaaars) * Bored of not being able to hear your friends in nightclubs. Do you get deafened when they talk right into your ear to make themselves heard? (Kazza) Keeping them coming: http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : SPONSORED LINK Fancy working for Sega, Myspace or Yahoo? Chinwag Jobs now has their vacancies and a whole bunch more!" http://jobs.chinwag.com/p/b3ta_jun02 next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive