we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "BEST SUBJECT LINE IN THE WORLD... EVER!" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * SONG - Big ball rap * QUESTION - Worst nicknames ever * WIN A FLAT - Scam or smart marketing? ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Big-ball rap << You might remember Kirby for his song about anal sex we newslettered a few months back. He's returned and says, "enjoy this rap homage to men with titanic testes." Best bit? Rhyming testicles with spectacles. And then having the gall to mention tentacles. http://www.goodiebag.tv/video/big_balls.htm >> Football songs are a cunt's game << We've lost track how many that have been sent in to the site now. If we weren't busy and could be in any way arsed we'd string them all together and shout 'fuck off you cunts' repeatedly, all over them. Having said all that... CCC's World Cup song is pretty good - cheerful nonsense. http://www.b3ta.com/links/12066 >> eBay Revenge << "I bought a laptop on eBay but it didn't work. sobs spikytom, "The bloke refused to refund my money, so as a means of petty revenge, I made a little website documenting the things I found on the hard drive." Ha! Best being the voyeuristic photos of women's legs the young eBay fraudster has snapped on the Tube. http://www.amirtofangsazan.blogspot.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK The Worst Nicknames Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes and lies into one handy place on the interweb. Last week we asked for your worst nicknames: http://b3ta.com/questions/worstnicknamesever/ * The Foetus "It was pointed out by a "friend" a couple of years back that I look like a foetus. Thus, I was nicknamed, with stunning ingenuity, The Foetus. Various friends have amused themselves making jokes around the theme, wombs, umbilical cords, ultrasound scans etc. The best however was a drunken friend chasing me round a pub carpark in front of a busload of surprised grans, brandishing an unbent wire coathanger, loudly and repeatedly threatening to abort me." (jennymnemonic) * "Picture a mountain biking accident many years ago - friend of mine (called Basil, so that's a bad start anyway), out riding, he got his weight a bit low over the rear tyre going quickly down a steep drop-off. He was wearing loose shorts:- 3" gash in the scrotum, right testicle drops out. Somehow gets to hospital with the other pod intact but the right one has to go, too much risk of infection or something. You'd think some sympathy perhaps? Oh good God no. For the rest of his natural, this chap will be known as Womble." (the mighty badger) * Atari "The was a girl at my school who everyone called ATARI due to her brother catching her in the act with said controller." (teknikl) >> This Week's Question << Meeting your heroes is always disappointing; they never live up to your expectations. Tell us who didn't come up to scratch here: http://b3ta.com/questions/nevermeetyourheroes/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> eBay shite car << Our second eBay link of the week. A friend recently commented that "eBay is bigger than the internet" and he has a point. This chappy is flogging his car, but it's the photo and the write-up that brings a small smile to our aged faces. http://snipurl.com/lesbianbastardtwits >> Arty corner << Enjoyed these groovy pictures which mess with the viewer's expectations. Very 1970s. http://haha.nu/2006/05/17/seamless-pictures/ >> Rude statues << Following up our recent predilection for bum-fun sculpture, jossdude yelps, "I was recently in Germany and saw this bad boy! And just to put salt in the wounds, it's about 30m away from a kids' playground." http://snipurl.com/ovendodgers >> Longest dump ever << Fancy feeling paranoid about the state of your bowel? Check this colonic irrigation site, and the stuff that this bloke crapped out after using their product. http://www.drnatura.com/picture_gallery.html >> Reality Manga << Oooh, a link to Worth1000, a competing photoshopping website. They take a different tack to us, encouraging technique rather than humour, but we can't help but be impressed with this 'what would people look like if Japanese cartoons were real" challenge. Now, if someone could be arsed to do this frame by frame, there's a great idea for a music video here. http://snipurl.com/cuntdroppings >> Shit web video parody << Aware of Newgrounds? It's a site where teenage Americans show off their cartoon skills. Like any user-generated site, the quality varies wildly. This animation is parodying some of the worst elements of the site and brought us much amusement. We particularly agree with the complaints about rubbish audio. http://albinoblacksheep.com/flash/frontpageget >> Win a flat << Neat idea here. Instead of just flogging your house via the local estate agent, by not hold a raffle? Hopefully, once the papers pick it up, all the £5 entrance fees will add up to more than the value on the open market. BTW: We have no idea if this is a complete scam, but out gut feeling is that it's not. http://www.winourflat.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH If David Bailey was a squirrel Oooh. Oh lovely. Lots of tree-rats taking photos in the park. http://snipurl.com/ilovebumsex ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Video killed the Macromedia star >> Crap BBC promotional vid << Commissioned and put together by the BBC, for use during a hugely expensive team-building day last year. This rap has been leaked by a former BBC employee. Apparently causing staff to adopt the catch-phrase "Ceefax, where the numbers are fine" and middle management to "awkwardly nod and frug along to the beat as only white middle-aged businessmen can." Word up. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Basketball Accident << If we re-launch B3ta as a TV show, it'll probably just be loads of clips of people falling over robbed from YouTube entitled "VHS this and post it to all your mates." Featuring stuff like this. Ouch. http://snipurl.com/qwvk >> Extraordinary pipes << Pipes. Pipes. Pipes. What can we say about pipes? The word is sometimes used as euphemism for tits as in 'That Charlotte Church has a fine set of pipes on her." These pipes have nothing to do with Charlotte's tits, but are quite fine none-the -less. http://snipurl.com/q2if >> Saddam & Osama cartoon << "I've found a link to a fab spoof 80's style action cartoon", jives Anarchy Duck, "featuring Saddam & Osama! it made me wank like a schoolboy reading his sisters copy of Just Seventeen, and the ads in the middle are fab too." http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Noel Edmonds mocks disabled << We always knew that bearded TV personality Noel Edmonds had a dark side. Here he is doing a fantastic spaz impression that'll hopefully get Scope contacting C4 to take him off the air. http://snipurl.com/noelisacunt >> When comedians get hissy<< Bill Hicks tribute act Denis Leary is famous for chain smoking and making cancer jokes. Who knew that also he was such a bitch? Check him out on this chat show where he has a huge hissy fit. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Skateboarder with no legs << This is what Heather Mills would look like if she cut off her other leg and sat on a skateboard. Oh, and had a sex change. Gnarly. http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : GIF OF THE WEEK Help fight Bono Little Bono from leaping lepricorn rockers U2 wants to fight AIDS. Unfortunatley this badly executed GIF from the Independent website says something very different. http://snipurl.com/bonoisacuntcuntcunt ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Serial killer Vs Cocky penis fun >> Mummy can we play Sutcliffe? << Sadly 'Sutcliffe Play' does not involve pretending to murder your little sister with daddy's hammer whilst wearing a fake beard and some plastic gap teeth. It is in- fact the unfortunately named brand of children's rides. The fact that the company is based in West Yorkshire scores extra points for aceness. http://www.sutcliffeplay.co.uk/sutcliffe/index1.as... >> Penis insurance << Currently widely advertised on UK TV, this insurance company scores for both having a penis scented name, and a logo that can only be described as a fleur de cock. http://www.hiscox.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHERE WE'VE BEEN LURKING Ice chewing forum Who can this website be for? Big foot? Pingu? Or Vanilla Ice's fave rent boy? Nope. It's for people who are addicted to chewing ice. Apparently it can be a symptom of diabetes. Or penguin rabies. http://www.icechewing.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2 Bad-taste Adsense / Drugs video >> When Adsense goes wrong << Adsense is the Google advertising program which works by analysing the words within a page and attempting to serve relevant advertising. Infinite_monkey writes, "My cousin died on the weekend - which isn't cool. But I did get a strange anti-pleasure from seeing just how insensitive Gmail-sponsored links could be." http://www.b3tards.com/uploads/badgmailads.jpg >> Say NO to drugs << Darksun has got in touch with a home video of him on Salvia, a fast-acting hallucinogen. We're linking as we're amused by A. What are his parents going to say? and B. It turns him into a complete mong. http://youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Minority Magazine Challenge Last week we wanted to see the covers of ultra-minority interests that aren't yet catered for. You submitted millions. Our favourites included: * NMNE - The only magazine that really counts for the serious anemone enthusiast. (Spunky McPunk) * MINIMALIST MAGAZINE - Doesn't have much to say, but displays it beautifully. (Ledger) * HELLO - No, not that one, but the world's premier Lionel Ritchie read. (The Great Architect) All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/banners/ >> New challenge: If Animals Were L33t << L33t is the unspoken language of the Internet, where English is transformed into something understood only by geeks. But what if animals were l33t? Show us life in such a world. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/l33t/ >> Your challenge ideas << We want your image challenge ideas. Then we want you to vote on the challenges suggested by other people. It's easy. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/ ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by mister_charlie_easton, alex.morris, TheCastrator, zeropct, 0% Interest, PMGT, majoringram, spong & Wormulus Top Tippery by lmussi, afinkawan & robertbaker1. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Nods to b4ta. (108915 - 35251) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Last week we suggested that holding your finger to the bridge of your mouth is a great way to prevent a sneeze. We had no idea it would be so controversial, you described it as "utter crap", "pants" and "like some dodgy Hitler impression." Your alternative methods include: * Saying grapefruit * Tickling the roof of your mouth with your tongue * Pinching your nose fairly tightly Also Libertine gets in touch with a proper tip advising - "Tired of fighting with your duvet to get its cover back on? Raid your office stationery cupboard for a couple of large bulldog clips - they hold the corners in place a treat." Ok. Is that bollocks? Do you have a better idea? Get in touch. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : SPONSORED LINK "Fancy working for Sega, Myspace or Yahoo? Chinwag Jobs now has their vacancies and a whole bunch more!" http://jobs.chinwag.com/p/b3ta_may26/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive