we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "CUTTING OFF OUR BOLLOCKS TO SPITE OUR COCK" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * CHALLENGE - Pop-up ads you WOULD click * ANIM - Jonti eats crabs * TOY - Google trends ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1 Crabs, Pepsi & Apple vs Apple >> Jonti eats crabs << Jonti has written one of his song loops about shoving crustaceans in his mouth. He claims, "It was about George Bush to begin with but the missus pointed out that I'm shit at politics." We like it for the blood. http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/crabs/ >> Pepsi vs Mentos << "After seeing all these exploding Pepsi bottles with Mentos videos", splurts Davideo, "I wondered if its actually possible to mix the ingredients internally and jump up and down." Check the results, we suspect this will go down well on the web, not just because it's a nice simple joke, but because it's performed by an attractive woman in a low cut top. (And we've just trebled the clicks by writing that.) http://www.davideodesign.co.uk/pepsigirl.htm >> John Lennon invents iPod << Peter Serafinowicz is best-known as the voice of Darth Maul and one of the team behind BBC's Look Around You - for whom we ran a competition a few years back to get your photoshops on telly. Anyway, he's been a busy boy doing his bestest impressions of the Beatles and has created this. http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : CONVERSATION STARTERS Britain has gone to the dogs. Discuss. * NO MORE BLUE SMARTIES Nestle Rowntree is removing all artificial colours from the popular sweeties and, as there is no natural blue dye, they'll be albino white. * NO MORE MR. WHIPPY? UK health lobby has added an amendment to the Education and Inspection Bill to give give local authorities the power to ban ice-cream vans, in particular ones close to schools. * MO MORE UK HP SAUCE Heinz are moving the production of the traditional British sauce to Holland. ------------------------------------------------- : SPONSORED LINK Bingo (includes naked bloke for the ladies) Meet Barry - he likes to boogie round his bedroom and what’s more he just can’t stop playing with his balls! http://www.butlinsbingo-competition.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Ignoring Instructions We wanted your stories of instructions ignored: http://b3ta.com/questions/ignoringinstructions/ * Army "After a lot of running around (4 weeks) and general shit they finally issued us with bayonets. And, being the Army, a lecture on your bayonet. "A bayonet is a sword. It goes on the end of your rifle and is for sticking in people. You cannot throw a bayonet. They've been specifically designed so they *can't* be thrown and I don't give a fuck what you've seen on the telly!!" Lecture over. Corporal moves away. Bayonet whips through the air and sticks in a tree just above his head... "Legless!! I saw that you fucking horrible turd. What have I just told you!!" "That you can't throw a bayonet," I mumbled. "I was just checking" "Well check this out - MAP reference 62,34,27 there's a tin can on the top of the cairn. Go and get it for me." 15 miles in full pack and rifle (and bayonet) with an enraged corporal screaming at me from the window of a 4-tonner. I really had to learn to keep my mouth shut and my head down..." (Legless) * Abuse. Abuse. "When I was about 12 we had the special class about abstinence and baby-making. We all had to take home an electronic baby-thing that would cry and you'd have to stick the correct key into its back. The teacher told me to make sure I supported its head (which was on a hinge) or the "ABUSE" light would come on and it'd cry forever. Well, I wasn't careful enough and let its head fall back. It snapped off of the hinge and rolled across the floor, and the thing started to scream, no key worked so I had to yank the battery out. So I showed up at my teacher's house on Saturday with a beheaded, disemboweled baby in my arms. I still passed the class somehow." (tr1nity) * Abort. Abort. Abort. "I was on a singles website and ticked the 'accept terms and conditions' box without reading them. Thus I completely missed the instruction 'by contacting anyone on this site, you accept that having sex once is worth being dragged into a vortex of someone else's mental illness.'" (apeloverage) >> This Week's Question << We'd like your funeral stories. Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/funerals/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates. >> Sexworker slang << We spent an enjoyable few minutes scanning through this glossary of terms used in the shady world of full service escort agencies. We already knew what 'French' and 'English' were, but 'Italian' and 'Russian'? Is no nationality free of kinks? http://www.escorts.com/glossary.html >> Google trends << Google has finally brought out its own version of the Googlebattle / Which is Better-type website. Put in your choices and see which really is the bestest, according to the googlegeist. It's already conclusively proven that Flickr is better than Duran Duran. And that sex is better than eBay. Can you get better than sex? http://www.google.com/trends >> Ghoulish eBay << Are you a rich, morbid homosexual? Why not buy the propellor of the very Piper Comanche light aircraft in which Patsy Cline met her tragically early death? A fucking huge chunk of mangled metal makes a wonderful conversation piece too. http://snipurl.com/patsydead >> Animals - who drive! << It's a bumper treat for fans of animals in atypical situations - no less than fifty images (alas, not all of them real) of cute critters at the controls of cars. Love the 1950s dog in the massive straw hat. http://snipurl.com/driveyanimals >> Finger impressions << You wouldn't expect the typical finger to have much in the way of self-expression. But check out these shots of a variety of digits doing dress-up. Or is it just a portfolio of the many moods of one, supremely gifted, finger? http://www.irdel.com/finger/ >> Fainting, flying fat man << Atlanta journalist Steve Beatty joined the Blue Angels (which we imagine to be an American Red Arrows) as they performed an aerobatic display over his home city. Check out scene two to see him passing out from G-force in true comic style. http://alt.coxnewsweb.com/ajc/swf/blueangels/bluea... >> Aqua pub << Summer's pretty much here and so it's beer garden time again. This impressive inflatable goes one better, allowing you and your mates to sit around boozing while floating in the sea or a pool. Smoking would probably be a no-no though. heheh http://www.beachcomber.com/Gadget/Water/aquapub.ht... >> "Why did he cut off that man's leg? << Bit of a long read, but an interesting one for all that. Journalist Paul Ciotti tracks down an unlicensed backstreet sex-change surgeon. Was he a swindler - or a pioneer? And what possessed him to amputate a perfectly healthy leg? http://snipurl.com/amputeegleeheehee >> Avenue Q comes to the UK << The musical Avenue Q is on it way to the UK. Why is this a big deal? It's the Sesame Street style puppets-singing goodness that gave us the now-legendary 'The Internet is For Porn', so we're all excited about finally seeing it. http://www.avenueqthemusical.co.uk/ ------------------------------------------------- : RUDE MARKETING Nando chicken arseholes "Y'know the Nandos logo?" clucks Jaffa The Cake, "Am I the only person who thinks it looks like a chicken facing away from the camera, sporting a huge heart-shaped gaping arsehole?" Nope, you are exactly right. We'll never see this logo in the same way again. http://snipurl.com/nandoarsehole ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Broadmoor pony rides for the under 7s This needs a bit of background for our international readers. To us, Broadmoor means an asylum for the criminally insane, housing famous killers such as Peter Sutcliffe. Although, perhaps they've cured him and he's great with the kids now. http://snipurl.com/broadmoorkidsponys ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2 Football, Cal book, Summer burn & Fuhrer blog >> Joel football thing << The Veitch has been getting pretty excited about the impending World Cup, and has written a song to celebrate such stuff. The only problem is that he knows fuck all about football, a fact reflected in his song-writing. He covers up with cheerful enthusiasm though, which is handy. http://www.b3ta.com/links/9877 >> Cal writes a book << Cal, co-founder of B3ta has gone on to international renown by leading the technical team behind Flickr, everyone's favourite photo-sharing website. In fact, he's pretty much become the most famous coder on the planet, guest-speaking at every Web 2.0 event you can think of. And so comes the inevitable book, "I Am Cal, and you can be an Ajax genius too if you follow my simple steps." Available to pre-order on Amazon now, buy it either for yourself or a Christmas gift for your javascript-obsessed milk man. BTW: notice the cover. 'Scalable websites' and it's got a fish on it! Did you see what they did there? Did you? http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/059610235... >> Summer Burn is back, back!, BACK!!!<< Last year we bigged up Summer Burn where you could swap CDs of your favourite tunes with random internet punters. FJ_Reg babbles, "Lots and lots and lots and lots of people signed up via the b3ta newsletter last year, so firstly, thanks for that, and secondly, do you want to let them know again?" Ok, why not? http://www.funjunkie.co.uk/the_summer_burn.cfm >> Fuhrer blog: Website name trends << This week your ginger Fuhrer has been pondering on how to name your new website and has written a simple tool to help you out. http://www.robmanuel.com/2006/05/10/trends-in-web-... ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Lost Things Challenge Last week we wanted to know why stuff goes missing, and what it gets up to when it's gone. Our favourites included: * JOHN MALKOVICH - Parallel worlds within parallel worlds in this movie-themed mind-fuck. (Absynth&Cheese) * CAR KEY vs SHED KEY - Startling revelations from the private lives of keys. Amazing what goes on when you're not watching. (The Neville) * SOCK SUICIDE - Desperate, poignant tale of what happens when life beconmes too much for one forlorn sock. Genuinely tragic. (The Neville) All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/lost/ >> New challenge: Reinventing Banner Ads << Banner ads don't work. Everyone ignores them. So let's save the online advertising industry and reinvent the damn things. Show us the kind of web advertising that would make you click... http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/banners/ >> Your challenge ideas << We want your image challenge ideas. Then we want you to vote on the challenges suggested by other people. It's easy. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * MORE SWEARY AFRIKAANS - Sarah curses, "I live on the East Coast (KwaZulu-Natal) - a popular street is 'Waterkant' which means 'Waterside'" What a cunt that must be. ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * PISSINGCONTEST.COM - users upload videos of themselves having a slash. Person who can piss the longest, wins. * WHO-CAN-PISS-THE-HIGHEST.TV - build a urinal in Central London with built-in video cameras. Stick a tape-measure to the wall. Highest pisses get compiled into a half-hour show for E4. Barry Normal presents, he's funny and he needs the work. * OLYMPISS GAMES - these and other 'yellow sports' combined into an international celebration of urinary excellence. Other events include; cross swords, drawing faces in the snow and 'piss balloons' where punters use their fingers to seal their penises and inflate their foreskins with pee. Sponsored by Nintendo Wii. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by cojonito, lankygingerfool, joeyv7, karlg.dj, ratking and Phagenius Top Tippery by seacretiveinegma Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Woo to b4ta. (108765 - 35133) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Prior to using paint or varnish, you should drink milk to line your stomach. This will protect you from any toxic fumes you breath in. Oil, however, would be the best choice if you are planning on drinking that paint or varnish, as it's then easier for the hospital to pump your stomach contents out afterwards. Strange but true. ------------------------------------------------- : SPONSORED LINK (Jobs + free kittens) "Same shit different day? Stop being a wage slave - do something you love. Chinwag Jobs, your boss fears us!" http://jobs.chinwag.com/p/b3ta_may12/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive