we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "THIS SUBJECT LINE HAS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH THE CONTENT" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * SEAN CONNERY - Shit v/o shock * GAME - Qwerty Dance Dance Revolution * JOKES - Introducing the Sickipedia ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1 Motorhead, Finger game, & Sickipedia >> Finger Fandango << Think you're pretty hot stuff with the touch typing? Have a bash at Steff's Finger Fandango. Essentially the same deal as DDR - hit the right key on the keyboard at the right time and get the right result. http://www.h4sh.com/FingerFandango >> Sickipedia << Currently in the process of putting the Sick Joke Book together, your ginger fuhrer had a thought, "If anyone actually buys this book, then I'll probably get crap jokes sent to me until the day I die. Er.. Maybe I should set up a website where people can submit material without it having to go through my inbox? A wiki, like Wikpedia should do it, wiki... sicki... SICKIPEDIA!" BTW: This might get vandalised to fuck and will undoubtedly become chock full of quite dodgy material, so be warned: there be dragons here. http://www.sickipedia.org >> The Finnish Motorhead << It's a little-known fact that Ace of Spades rock-smiths Motorhead enjoyed the height of 1970s fame in the Scandinavian countries, inspiring a host of cardigan-clad imitators. Okay, that's a lie - this is the result of a swift bit of editing by Gilgamesh. "My excuse is that there was nothing on telly and I was waiting for the Chinese takeaway to deliver." Forgiven. http://b3ta.com/links/9102 ------------------------------------------------- : CONVERSATION STARTERS Stuff to talk about in the pub * Type fuckwit into Google and see what comes up. * A TV remake of the 1967 series The Prisoner is currently being produced for Sky, starring ex-Dr. Who Chris Ecclestone. * In Florida the police refer to ID cards as 'Flids', short for FLorida ID card. * Two leading debt charities are calling for Carol Vorderman to stop appearing in Firstplus 'consolidate your debts' ads. ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Crap Meals Out Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes and lies into one handy place on the interweb. Last week we wanted your stories of rubbish meals out. A surprisingly large number of them involved that French crime-against-sausages andouillette. We've picked out three stories that mercifully remain poo-sausage free. http://b3ta.com/questions/crapmealsout/ * Have you been to an inferno before? "So, I took the wife to a Harvester. I was on a budget, OK? The World Turned Upside Down in Reading didn't do itself any favours by being directly downwind from the sewage works, but as long as they keep the windows closed, you're fine. Any road up, we got our starters (mmmm... Prawn Cocktail, I literally oozed class in those days), and waited for our main meals. And waited. And waited. And waited. Two hours later, the fire brigade asked the manager - within very shouty earshot - why there were still customers in the building, seeing as how the kitchen was a raging inferno and "the whole fucking place is about to go up". "We didn't want to disturb their night out," he replied. Result: Free meals in any Harvester for a year. I'm a sucker for punishment." (Scaryduck) * In defence of Las Vegas "I am astonished by all the negative comments about Las Vegas buffets. I never found another place in the world where I could have my breakfast, lunch, dinner, dessert and condiments all piled up on one plate until I visited the Fat Duck restaurant. And all you can eat for $20. Take note, Mr Blumenthal!" (browser) * Revenge is sweet "Picture the scene... an overpriced, bland meal, grumpy mare of a waitress and finally I make it through to the dessert. I ordered the Sticky Toffee Pudding and what arrives? Naturally, one of Brake Brothers' finest. I mean, if they're only charging you six quid a portion for dessert, should they really bother making it themselves when they can just buy it in? Still, it was a bit cold, so I sent it back. Microwaves are marvelous things. I could hear the shouting in the kitchen from halfway across the restaurant. Perhaps I should have told them about the three 2p coins I'd pushed inside the pudding?" (The Rabid Badger of Doom) >> This Week's Question << We'd like to you to tell us about what happened when you ignored the instructions. Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/ignoringinstructions/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates. >> Hello Kitty toaster << Is there nothing the marketing borg of Hello Kitty will not turn its paw to? Here's a toaster that prints their logo on your morning toast, so your bread tastes of kittens. Frankly, we wish that we could get our arse into gear so we could market B3ta logo toast. http://snipurl.com/hktoast >> Posh case-mods << A brief history lesson in computer cases: 1980 - > 1997: Grey plastic 1998 - > 2002: Blueberry transparent plastic 2002 -> 2006: Brushed metal 2007: Wood. http://www.ecogeek.org/content/view/62/1/ >> Girls & Corpses magazine << In the UK we have a magazine called Bizarre which features naked girls and photos of dead people. We think they'd sell a lot more copies with a re-branding. http://www.girlsandcorpses.com/ >> 'What is love?' collection << Old but gold - a rather lovely sequence of animated head-nodding to the plaintive strains of Haddaway's finest. It's inspired by cult classic 'Night at the Roxbury', but it gets pretty inventive. http://www.funny-base.com/cartoons/love.swf >> Sean Connery voice-over shame << Looks like ex-007 Connery's career has really hit the skids. Check out his efforts to flog you a German Shepherd dog. Well, okay, so it's just a soundalike, but the question remains... why? http://www.bozeta.co.uk/ >> Dragon bag << This natty little number would certainly get you some admiring glances around Rock City of a Friday night. Hmm. Or get you a beating. It's hard to say, but a gigantic backpack shaped like a rampant heraldic beast tends to provoke a reaction. Oh, and your mobile can go in its mouth! http://necromanc.blogspot.com/2006/04/leather-bag-... >> Trippy perspective thingy << A big explanation of why everything you know about perspective is wrong wrong wrong. We didn't understand the maths involved, but the accompanying illustrations are strangely fascinating. We had to be hit with a stick to make him look away. http://www.treeshark.com/Persptut.html ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Cuteness inbox splurge It's been a busy week for the squirrel-wranglers over at puny sister site Things That Make You Go Ahh. "We just spent the last few hours whittling down the hundreds of new photo submissions to just four pictures of exquisite cuteness." Ah, it's a tough life those boys have and no mistake. http://www.thingsthatmakeyougoaahh.com/2006/05/inb... ------------------------------------------------- : KNOWNING MARKETING CORNER Official Meetings Facilities Guide Delightfully, the acronym of this magazine's name (OMFG) adds a tone of shock and indignation to every cover story. OMFG! Facilities! Bah! http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1547/1006/320/o... ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO CUNT WHAKCS aka Video Schmideo fka YouTube bollocks >> Hard Rock Hallelujah << In a case of "too much Vodka and not enough sunlight," Finland has decided that its best Eurovision hopes lie with slightly-insane metal band Lordi. Yes, it's kind of crap but funny and everybody's having a good time. This may be the only Eurovision entry this year to feature a zombie rampage. Which should win ten bonus points. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Boris Johnson vicious tackle << Popular at the moment is this footage of b3ta's favourite Tory taking out his opposite number at a charity soccer match with an absolutely eye watering rugby tackle. Not a foul though and, according to the stocky politician himself, "I was going for the ball with my head, which I understand is a legitimate move in soccer." http://b3ta.com/links/9613 >> Beatbox nutter << Slightly frightening range of mouth-based beats from a wild-haired lad named Lasse. The best thing, as with all beatboxing, is the expression on his face as he does his thing. http://b3ta.com/links/9301 >> Body floss << The mission: to swallow a bobbin of dental floss and tie one end to a tooth. So there's dental floss running all the way through this bold but somewhat foolhardy experimenter. Can he succeed? Does he die? Find out here: http://www.bulletinboardforum.com/movies/dental_fl... ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2 Pet quiz, Odd comic, & Furher blog >> Animal filmstar quiz << "For some reason it always amuses me when animals are credited with their own name on TV shows," roars a resurgent Monkeon. It's inspired his new game, where you have to identify the animal who really starred in the role. Impossible in some cases, wildly easy in others - how will you do? http://www.monkeon.co.uk/starclaws/ >> Cartoon oddness << Ben has dubbed these peculiar creations "spazzed up cartoons rendered by my own fair hand," and that about covers it. Post-modern life is rubbish: http://dronecorp.co.uk/PLIR/ >> Fuhrer blog<< A very nice lady called Christie Manuel recently got in touch with your Ginger Fuhrer and said, "I own Robmanuel.com and I don't need it anymore. Would you like it?" Well the answer was obviously yes, but the question was really what to do with it? After rejecting ideas of sticking up photoshopped pictures of gingers with suspicious mustaches the simplest answer would seem to write a blog. Yes, a fucking blog. How 2002. This week it's about using a Mac, next week it'll probably be descriptions of lunch and links to subservient chicken. http://www.robmanuel.com/2006/05/02/mac-switch-mac... ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Alternative Energy Challenge Last week we wanted to know how the world could be saved using alternative energy sources. Our favourites included: * ZOMBIE POWER - genuine innovation here, as the undead provide an alternative means of power. (mr wheatley) * FAIRY LIQUID - who knew that such a common household cleaner could be used to such devastating (yet detrimental) effect? (monkeon) * LOVE - everyone's favourite four-letter word, harnessed for the good of the planet. (eclechtech) All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/energy/ >> New challenge: Where Lost Things Go << Socks. Spoons. Car keys. You have them, and then you don't. What is that about? Show us why stuff goes missing, and what it gets up to when it's gone. Challenge suggested by We are the lemon. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/lost/ >> Your challenge ideas << We want your image challenge ideas. Then we want you to vote on the challenges suggested by other people. It's easy. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * PEPPER SPRAY MAN - apparently, the clip of the chap getting sprayed with pepper we featured in last week's newsletter was originally from some 'cops on the beat' show. The guy was, says dnb, some sort of low life drug dealer and deserved what he got. So huzzah! * FUNNY TRANSLATIONS is gathering a rather worrying momentum of its own. M M Mulder writes to say, "hearing a director yell the traditional 'Cut!' is always amusing to me as 'Kut' is the Dutch equivalent of 'cunt' and a favourite swearword. On the other hand: 'kunt U ...?' is Dutch for 'Could you ... ?'" Crazy Dutch... * JOEL WANTS WHALE-MEAT and a number of people wrote in to help him out. "Joel could go to Norway," suggests Asparagus Time. "I recommend the port of Burgen where I had some tasty whale steak and you can get a good meal (smoked whale included) from the free samples at the fish market. EU laws prohibit the fishing of whales but as Norway is not a member they can do what the fuck they like. By the same logic I suppose that the same would be true of Switzerland but being landlocked might be a slight problem." "Over the Easter bank holiday weekend I was in Oslo for the Inferno festival," chips in Richard Snogger, "and the food stall at the venue was selling whale kebabs! It was too good an opportunity to miss and, ethics aside, it was pretty tasty washed down with arse-clenchingly expensive lager." * PIG OLYMPICS - "With regard to your link to the 'Pig Olympics' last issue you made the assertion that they had 'missed a trick by not calling it the Olympigs,'" says Tom Rowberry. "Perhaps they were fearing litigation from the makers of this quite charming board game?" Woo - that looks ace. Wonder if we can wrangle a free copy? http://i64.photobucket.com/albums/h191/TommehR/oly... ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Two for the price of zero. We spoil you >> Wanker << Keep pumping up a succession of slowly-diminishing rods or else you die. A challenging wank-action based game. The tagline, "Flex like a whore, fall wanking to the floor." http://homokaasu.org/gasgames/game.gas >> Four second fury! << Not just one game this, but a whole herd of incredibly simple games. The twist is you have just four seconds to complete each one. Intense! http://www.armorgames.com/games/foursecondfury_pop... ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * HUMAN FLESH CASE-MODS - if Nazis were L33t, how would they design their PCs? * BADGER / APPRENTICE MASH - re-edit Jonti's Badger song to have Ruth Badger from TVs The Apprentice squat-thrusting to the lyrics "Badger Badger Badger Badger You're fired! You're fired!" * HOW TO OPEN A BOTTLE FACE OFF - the inbox has been rumbling with controversy for weeks on this one, from "Use a door", to "No, use a rubber band" to this week's "I can't believe I'm boring enough to send this to you, but I use a nut cracker." We want a controlled experiment thingie. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Bootbean, TheBoyTucker, drunken oaf, whoelse, TheCastrator, tor, Tinfingers, Parkingtigers, hahn, cidman2001 james_doc, FILTHIO, & kingjay (you made it in dude). Top Tippery by Twizla Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Word to b4ta. (108682 - 35160) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: If you've ever done a bit of DIY then you will probably have noticed that some paint stinks (especially the gloss stuff). You can get rid of that pong by chopping up an onion or two and leaving it near the smelly wet paint - the two smells seem to cancel each other out. ------------------------------------------------- SPONSORED LINK: (bonus kittens) "Same shit different day? Stop being a wage slave - do something you love. Chinwag Jobs, your boss fears us!" http://jobs.chinwag.com/p/b3ta_may05/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive