we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "SCAMMING BLUE PETER FOR A BADGE. YEP. IT'S THAT LOW." next issue » « previous issue This Week: * COCKS - Made of clay * SCAM - Undeserved Blue Peter badges * JOHN LENNON - What a fucking spacker ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1 Blue Peter, Clay & Dude, where's the science? >> Blue Peter scam! << UK readers will know that kids tv show Blue Peter is a cultural institution. It's been on telly for 50 years, and generations of kids have grown up loving it. Much like b3ta, the show relies on its viewers to send in interesting things to feature. They are rewarded with the coveted Blue Peter badge. Therefore, it would be very wrong to write to them pretending to be a kid just so that you can get a badge. Dan Coop writes, "They sent me a nice letter back along with the badge. I feel quite guilty now. Am I going straight to hell?" Yes Dan, you are, and so are we for linking to your shame. http://www.revengeofthesyph.com/2006/04/wow.html >> Claymation cocks << "I've made a loveley claymation, possibly NSFW," screams Bonzos, "Includes two cats, lots of willies and childish humour. The good stuff." Heh, this had us snotting milk. Aardman better watch out, there is a new player on the block. http://b3ta.com/links/8631 >> Duuuuuuude science << "I just conducted a somewhat pointless and very geeky study" gesticulates Zcrispin0, "The problem addressed? How many u's to put in the word 'duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude'. Sorry it's not knob-related." Good see our readers' science education is not being wasted. http://www.tropic.org.uk/~crispin/dude/ ------------------------------------------------- : BABY VS BABY UPDATE What cute babies have taught us... A few weeks ago we launched BabyVsBaby, a site where you can upload your childs photo and the world can rate exactly how cute it is. We've had over 500 bouncing b3ta babies submitted so far, and about half a million battles fought. We've noticed a few things and we thought we'd share. How to win: * Girls are cuter than boys * Big eyes help * Smiling is a bonus * Funny hats are always a winner How to lose: * Mucky faces = bad. Looks like they've been eating shit * Newborns. No one likes them except their mums * You're all racists. Black and Asian babies aren't doing so well. Although this might be just due to some crappy photos Other facts: * Some people have been uploading photos of themselves as kids, which is fine by us. And actually is kind of interesting. "Were you cute as a baby? Find out..." * Some people upload their photos all excited and then get very upset when they don't find it in the top 10 and accuse us of fixing the results * But not as upset as the handful of people whose child reached the 'losingest babies' list. Sorry! http://www.babyvsbaby.com/babies/winners/ ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Messing with the Dark Side Last week we asked about your experiences with Ouija boards, ghost hunts and other great ways to wind up your mates with your *spooky* voice. http://b3ta.com/questions/messingwiththedarkside/ Here are three stories that amused us: * Don't mess with my mum "Forty years ago, when she was first married, my mum had a gropey, sleazy, verbally abusive old shitter of a boss. One night, after a horrible day at work, she stood crying over the sink peeling spuds for my dad's dinner. In a fit of impotent rage, she stabbed one of the potatoes right through with the knife, shrieking "Die, you BASTARD!". Feeling slightly better, she straightened her apron, checked the kitchen clock to see how long she had before my dad got in (it was 5.34pm), and resumed making the dinner. The following day she got into work to find that her boss had been killed outright in a head-on car crash with a tractor on a country road that previous evening. His watch had broken on impact at 5.34pm. OK, it would be more sensational/relevant if, instead of a tractor, a vast potato had rolled out Raiders of the Lost Ark-stylee and dispensed with him... but it's still a BIT spooky." (weebear1974) * "I attended a girls boarding school. Not just any girls boarding school, but one for The Arts, so you can at least double the amount of girlie hystrionics because of all the arty thesps and creative types. Anyway, as you do, we would all gather to play Ouija and tell ghost stories after lights out, and get ourselves all worked up into girly panics and crying fits. It didn't help that the school was a 16th century Mansion built by King Charles II for Nell Gwyn with lots of secret passageways, rooms and general creepy spookiness. After one such ouija session a girl was telling a particularly scary story. I decided to have a little fun and up the ante. I crawled under the domitory beds commando-style until I got to the one at the end where my friend was sitting with her legs hanging down. At the climax of the story I reached out from under the bed and grabbed her ankles, hard. I was rewarded with a loud scream and a golden shower. Not such a good idea after all." (Peelmytangerines) * "Playing with a ouija board as a young teenager, at some stupid party: question: Can we talk to Sid Vicious? answer: NO question: Why not? answer: BECAUSE HES DEAD" (Mildred) >> This Week's Question << We'd like you to tell us about the terrible meals out you've had. Add your story to the rapidly growing list of awful nights out: http://b3ta.com/questions/crapmealsout/ ------------------------------------------------- : LURKING CORNER Silicon penis messageboard chris359alpha writes - "Just thought I'd let you know more about the guy with the silicon enhanced penis you linked to the other week. He has his own messageboard." Blimey, it is strong stuff. You can read threads where they spot which transexuals have injected silicon into their penises, and debates on whether you should inject your 'ass lips' to make anal sex more pleasurable. http://www.extremecock.org/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates. >> Alan Sugar animatronic head << A Davros-like Alan Sugar face that stiffly reels off his catchphrases from The Apprentice. It's so pikey making your own piss-poor cash-in merchandise, but perversely we liked this - and it's about ten times better than that em@iler phone crap he's been touting every show anyway. http://www.amstrad.com/amsface/ >> Peter Dow needs a woman << It's spring, the sap is rising and Peter Dow, Scotland's self-styled National Standard Bearer, is ready to take a woman. He's not fussy, as long as her hips are at least 6" larger than her waist and he can tolerate a lady who 'likes the queen' as long as she doesn't mind that he 'wants the queen dead.' This peculiar man has been spamming the web's newsgroups this week with pics of himself posing in his underwear. But in case you missed that edifying sight, here's his love pledge again - with sexy soundtrack. http://scot.8k.com/lookingforawoman.htm >> Pimp My Snack << Our own Fraser Lewry has been entertaining us with giant foods for quite some time now. This is a collection of similar culinary prodigies, with a particularly fine line in scaled-up biscuits. Mighty fine. http://www.pimpmysnack.com/project.php >> 'Drugs are bad' photos << So the site collected before and after shots of crystal meth users, showing the ravages of the drug on your face over the months and years. So why are we kinking to this lady? We think she looks funny. She was no oil painting before, but after; like a ginger golliwog. Hehe. http://snipurl.com/drugsdrugsdrugs >> Goat on a pole << It's a goat on a pole! A fucking goat. On a fucking pole. What more do you want? Some sort of complex exegesis? Well, that is there for you too. http://www.goatonapole.com/ >> Mass cafe walkout << Harrassed beyond endurance by their obnoxious boss, these four cafe workers shut the shop down and walked out, leaving a massive note in the window to for him to find. Wage slaves everywhere salute them. http://www.beyondrobson.com/city/2006/02/mutiny_at... >> Dust houses << Artist Maria Adelaida Lopez cleaned houses to make ends meet while she studied. She made these peculiar little items using vacuum cleaner lint. They look strangely like gothic, overgrown ruins. http://mocoloco.com/art/archives/001661.php >> Wickerpedia << Yes, that's not a typo. It's nice to see someone take such a shit pun and then run with it much further than strictly necessary. http://www.wickerpedia.org/ ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH When dogs befriend squirrels Richard writes - "I just found this page and it is a whole festival of cute. That said, it does apparently seem to be related to some nutter from the Animal Liberation Front, and that group has already twice firebombed my university." Huzzah! Down with universities! Up with squirrels! http://snipurl.com/kwfn ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO KIDDEO FIDDLEO Gah. Fucking broadband cuntery. >> Sorry Ian Huntley << B3ta wish to formally apologise to child killer Ian Huntley for suggesting last week that he looks like UK Eurovision hopeful Daz Sampson. Apparently, the lags at Belmarsh Prison have been making his life a living hell by singing, "What, did you learn in jail today? That's what the screws used to say? And you drowned Holly and Jessica in the bath you noncing cunt." Anyway, in other news Daz's forum has been taken down and he's also appeared on TV's Richard and Judy to state once and for all that the song isn't paedophillic in anyway whatsoever. http://www.b3ta.com/links/8500 >> Pig Olympics<< Say you were to attempt to make a sporting event based around pigs? Do you really think the pigs are going to bother to compete? Or will they just rut, grunt and snuffle as normal? Find out... BTW: They missed a trick by not calling it the Olympigs. http://snipurl.com/olympigs >> Clever whales << We were talking to Joel Veitch the other day and he was claiming, "I know they are an endangered species but I'd love to eat a whale. Eskimos are allowed to hunt them, I want to be an Eskimo." Well, young Veitch, this link is for you. Whales are too clever to be eaten, don't do it. http://snipurl.com/whaley >> Satan's Clown << "I found this on Saturday," laments Scott Williams, "It's some little Satan clown talking to himself on the phone. No idea what he is saying. I think he says condoms." Disturbing - this child is clearly off his head face on Sunny D LSD potatoes. http://snipurl.com/satansclown >> "Help me Neil!" << A frankly scary video of a man being arrested by the fuzz, pepper sprayed and screaming for help. We don't know the background to this, but we hope he's alright. http://www.break.com/index/runfromcop.html >> Lady gets punched << We always enjoy a short bit of violence. http://disloyal.org/videos/807/ladygetspunched.htm... >> John Lennon is a spacker << Pleasing edit of the one-time Beatle making mong noises and spazzclapping on stage. The thing is, we wouldn't put it past Lennon to have done this for real. The man used to piss on nuns for God's sake! http://b3ta.com/links/8264 >> Bob Ross darts << Another happy video mash-up, this time mixing the artist Bob Ross doing a painting tutorial and a game of darts. Made us wince. So if you fancy having a good wince then take a look. http://b3ta.com/links/8204 ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2 Cat bass & more cocks >> Cat Bass! << Who hasn't thought of pulling a cat's tail taut and twanging it like a guitar string? Thanks Davideo for making our kitteny dreams come true. http://www.davideodesign.co.uk/catbass.htm >> Pompei penii << "Whilst on holiday in Pompei", thepimpking, "I found evidence of the first ever b3tans, just look at the sculptures." http://img89.imageshack.us/my.php ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Rape my eyes with glass, it's back >> Nad cream << Worried about your unsightly nads? Smooth away your problems with some nad cream. Sometimes we think people do this stuff on purpose just so that websites will link to them. (And yes Marmite! We're talking about YOU! And your goatse style icons on your new website.) http://snipurl.com/nadcream >> T.O.A.S.T << Is Toast really the best name they could come up with for an obesity awareness organisation? http://www.toast-uk.org.uk/about.htm ------------------------------------------------- : SHIT MARKETING "Insensitive' hospital brochure While travelling through Thailand, b3ta reader Harry Kumquat picked up a brochure for the Samitivej Sukhumvit hospital. Speaks for itself. We suspect they treat people who describe themselves as "kerrrazzy." http://www.b3tards.com/uploads/samitivej.jpg ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Behind The Desktop Challenge Last week we wanted to know what you'd find if you peeled off the wallpaper on your computer desktop. Our favourites included: * SCREEN OF DEATH - After viewing this, we had to unplug the computer. Simply terrifying. (Butters) * LEMMINGS - Strangly hypnotic. Where do they all come from? Where do they all go? Where did that hole in my monitor come from? (WhoElse) * OFFICE ASSISTANTS ON BREAK - A sordid glance into the debauched, secret World of those irritating Micropsoft characters. (oldgreyhouse) All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/desktop/ >> New challenge: Alternative Energy << We're running out of coal, the Ruskies control most of the World's natural gas, and our oil reserves won't last forever. Basically, we're fucked. Unless, of course, we come up with some alternative energy sources. What will they be? http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/energy/ >> Your challenge ideas << We want your image challenge ideas. Then we want you to vote on the challenges suggested by other people. It's easy. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * FUNNY TRANSLATIONS - Richibald writes,"In the tradition of rude names corner, you might try asking someone to give you the Afrikaans translation of 'Choose your subject and side'. Before they realise it, they will have said something that sounds quite rude in English." 'Kies you vak en kant,' is what they'll actually be saying. Afrikaans is so sweary. * WE WERE BEING IRONIC when we asked for the virtual bubblewrap and hampsterdance last week. We didn't mean it, dammit! Here's a list of the people who sent us the link. Bah. A pox on you all! Chris Stevens FluffyChunks rita.damper paulstone sahra1107 SENTINEL007FL irene.a.somers chris kiktea Count Dante Tallywhacker WhoElse Mstandot And a special 'aww, bless' to Samlovesrainbows, who was so moved by our virtual bubblewrap-less plight that he took the time out to make one for us. That was (kind of) sweet. http://img155.imageshack.us/img155/7184/bubblepop7... * TANKCHAIR - this all-terrain wheelchair featured in last week's newsletter and everybody wanted one. We Are The Lemon went as far as mailing the maker and asking to buy one. He received the reply, "I am not building anymore right now as I am working on a new one that will make my first one obsolete. I don't want to take anyone's money and tell them it what they are buying will be second-class in six months. My new chair will be self-leveling and will be able to carry a payload to 500lbs. (227 kilos). It will also be able go indoors and fit in the 40"x30" ADA envelope." Woo! Tankchair 2 should really also come with a massive rocket launcher. * B3TA BANNED YET AGAIN - "I enrolled in a flash course at Tafe in western Australia," brags jane. "The lecturer asked us for good flash sites and I said b3ta and tried to go there and guess what ...YOU ARE FORBIDDEN. I dropped out in protest at the censorship. Now I still don't know how to make flash animations... but I at least left them wondering what the hell I was on about. That's the main thing." ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * MORE INTERCOM FUN - barrythief squalks "Reading the 'reverse intercom' game in the newsletter reminded me of my favourite uni prank - press two flat's buzzers from the outside, then revel in the confusion as they interrogate each other." * MORE BLUE PETER BADGE BAITING - Can you get a badge AND get a goatse broadcast on kids TV? * REMAKE DISASTER MOVIES WITH FOOD - build a sky scraper made of cheese and hold a hairdryer to it until it melts, title it Towering Cheesferno. Or Brie Willy. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Yank Meoff, Vegetables, Freetheminks and FostersBostersCosters. Top Tippery by Flowerpot Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Nods to b4ta. (108580 - 34358) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Apparently last weeks bottle tip was "daft" and the corect solution is "secure an elastic band around the top, make sure it's tight and unscrew it." Gah, you bunch of tip-busting cunts. ------------------------------------------------- : SPONSORED LINK Same shit different day? Stop being a wage slave - do something you love. Chinwag Jobs, your boss fears us! http://jobs.chinwag.com/p/b3ta_apr28/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive