we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "LOTS AND LOTS OF STUFF THAT YOU'LL WANT TO CLICK ON AND IT'S VERY GOOD" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * SONG - Internet is evvvviiiilllll * ANIM - Russel Crow gets his cock out * KITTENWAR BOOK - Make your kitten famous ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Gladiator 'behind the scenes' anim << Dunkbd proudly brings you some previously-unseen footage from the location of Ridley Scott's 1999 'sword and sandal' epic Gladiator. Excellent. http://www.duncanbeedie.co.uk/gladiator.htm >> More hypno-Blaine << Hypnochimp brings you part two of his "making idiots think they're David Blaine" video. Best bit? The really shitty levitation. Hypnochimp is also looking for suggestions on what celebs and scenarios he should do next. http://www.b3ta.com/links/8122 >> Kittenwar book needs kittens << Fraser and Tom of Kittenwar have got a book deal and are asking you to submit your hi-res kittens for possible inclusion. UPLOAD YOUR KITTENS NOW! http://kittenwar.com/upload.php >> 'Internet outrage' animation << Eclectech has put some nice visuals on a DogHorse and Miss Prism track about how the web is full of EVIL PREDATORS and no-one should go online ever. Good recreation of the viewpoint of an ill-informed right-wing newspaper. Now with a foppish sheep wearing an unfeasibly large bow tie. Great song though. http://eclectech.co.uk/dailymailpicnic.php >> Freebie finder << "Your other readers might be interested in a site that I've been working on," beams cantino. "The Freebie Finder aggregates freebie links from around the web while removing scams and referral pyramids. It does this through an algorithm that verifies links across multiple sites." What we noticed most was that once you've removed the scams, you don't really want much of the other free stuff on offer. Basically we're just amused by the amount of completely useless crap you can get for free. http://absurdlycool.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Teenage Parties Last week we wanted your nostalgic memories of the great teenage parties you'd been to. Instead we got the stories involving throwing up and smashing up people's houses. You lot are horrible. http://b3ta.com/questions/teenageparties/ Here are three that amused us * "3am, the party is dying down. All the beds are taken, so I find a comfy-looking pile of dirty laundry. Covering myself with a beach towel, I fall asleep. Ten minutes later, I am rudely awakened by a couple having sex on top of me." (Queen of Cheesecake) * "To ensure numbers we invited everyone. And then they (apparently) invited everyone else. We ended up with approximately 150 people in our house, most of whom we didn't know. Did they wreck it? Did they have sex in our beds? No. In fact they protected our stuff. So much so, that when my mate went to get some money from his room he was stopped by a bunch of guys who thought he was stealing. Did they believe him when he said it was his room? No. They beat him up for stealing." (breakfastwithjam) * "I was about 18 or 19, and I went to a party at this girl's house. I overdid it on the weed and vodka, and then realised I was going to be sick so I headed for the bathroom. Whoever was in there was taking forever, but I knew that the lock on the door wasn't very good so rather than puke on the carpet I forced the bathroo door open and went in. The hostess's gorgeous younger sister, whose eye I'd shyly been trying to catch all night was sitting on the toilet doing a noisy poo, but my mouth was full of vomit, cheeks were puffed out like a hamster. I couldn't give any explanation because I couldn't open my mouth to speak, but I felt another surge coming so I stumbled forward and tried to puke between her thighs. But she shoved me away and it kind of arced up in the air, showering both of us. Never did get invited back." (trashbat) >> This Week's Question << Have you ever scared the crud out of yourself and your mates after dabbling with Dark Forces? Tell us all about it in your best *spooky* voice: http://b3ta.com/questions/messingwiththedarkside/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates. >> Kids write George Bush << An absolutely genius idea; get a bunch of 7-10 year-old children to make up their own speeches for George Bush - then get an actor to read them. The frightening thing is they have a, very slight, edge of plausibility about them, given the Bushster's normal use of language. http://www.helenakeeffe.com/archives/000029.html >> Dictionary of Yorkshire Medical Terms << Ostensibly compiled 'as a service to doctors who are no native English-speakers', it's pretty obvious the consultants at Doncaster NHS were pissing themselves compiling a list of all the funny northern words they know - and on £120,000 pa each, who wouldn't? http://snipurl.com/stupidnhspdf >> 'Make a bra' tip << So nice to see our licence fees at work here. The BBC has a page up telling you all about how to make a bra, using a simple, household shopping bag. What an odd bunch of cunts. http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/alabaster/A450587 >> 'Go anywhere' wheelchair << It's grossly unfair, really - how come all the elderly and the disabled people get to play with the cool stuff? They get great shit, like lifts that slowly lower you into the bath while we have to do it ourselves. Now this just takes the flidding biscuit - a wheelchair with caterpillar tracks so it can go anywhere and do anything. Guess we need to find a disabled mate who can give us backies. http://www.tankchair.com/default.htm >> Foam test gone wild! << Collected shots from a test of the fire-fighting systems at Ellsworth Air Force base. It seems they worked perfectly well - it's just the systems that that switch off the fire-fighting systems that don't. When the foam reached a height of two storeys, they opened the doors and let it run free. http://snipurl.com/pfzz >> List of films by gory death scene << We recently met a UK horror film director and they said, "it's all about the kills. Think of 7 good kills, and stitch the plot around that. That's what the viewers care and talk about, the quality of the kills." This reminded us a bit of how internet viral bollocks works, i.e. think of a joke and present it with minimal exposition. Anyway, if you fancy entering the horror market then you could do worse than reading this wikipedia list of kills already performed by others. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_films_by_gory... ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO FLIDEO Youtube has broken the internet >> Eurovision is for kids? << What's pink and smells of holly? Ian Huntleys cock. And speaking of jokes past their prime, onto the Eurovision Song Contest, and we're loving this year's UK entry. Daz Sampson has produced a touchingly nostalgic tribute to his school days, complete with a nonce-friendly "lets dress some tarts up in school uniform" video. It's that he looks about 38 that makes it all look so sinister, as if Huntley was out of jail and on the come-back trail. BTW: The forums are worth checking out, assuming they haven't started moderating them yet; pages and pages of "you fucking child fucker" abuse. Heh. http://snipurl.com/fuckingnonce >> Alex Chui interview << Internet legend Alex is most famous for his immortality rings (only $23) which make you live forever, assuming you don't break the get-out clause of getting cancer or being hit by a car. His latest product is a pill that makes you handsome. Smart stuff, and a great interview which leaves you debating whether Alex is a canny snake-oil salesman, or just completely crazy bonkers. http://snipurl.com/alexchiuandyouoooo >> We are all monkeys << Last year, a chap called Ernest Cline gave a rather amusing speech about the state of the world today and how we are all just a bunch of monkeys. He's made a slideshow too. Excellent stuff , somewhat reminiscent of Douglas Adams. http://www.ernestcline.com/dmd/ >> Titanic 2 << A bloke who works at a magazine once told us, "If you've got three then you've got a trend," which fits nicely with the sub-genre of splicing up films and sticking them on the interwebs. First we had The Shining cut with happier music, then Back the the Future rejigged as a cross-generational bumsexualist love-story between Marty and the Doc. And now? A sequel to Titanic, the joke obviously being that you can't sequel Titanic unless you make "Revenge of the Iceberg" or something. Hasn't stopped them having a go and the results are surprisingly inventive. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Dangerous French driving << Early one 1976 morning, Claude Lelouch attached a camera to the bumper of his Ferrari 275 GTB, which was then driven very, very quickly around Paris. The identity of the driver is still a secret and when you see the scary motoring on display you can understand why. http://snipurl.com/frenchcunts >> Cat vs Puppies << Cute short video of a cat reacting to about 10 puppies. The cat doesn't really give a fuck, and the doggies are playful and curious. Charming. http://snipurl.com/catvspuppies >> 'Barking' cat << Non-cat-owners might not know about 'chattering', the strange noise a cat makes whilst staring at birds through a window. Some believe that it's a practise motion for the killer's lethal bite, others think that it's just mental. Worth a look anyway. http://snipurl.com/woofwoofwoofmofucker ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Web 2.0 Challenge Last week we wanted you to invent lots of strange and useful products for Web 2.0. So you did. Our favourites included: * THE POST OFFICE - like writing letters always has been, but with more user variables. (Monkeon) * GOOGLE EARTH PORN PLUGIN - Extending Google Earth's interface to satisfy even the loneliest of web surfers (HappyToast) * POP-UPS 2.0 - Let's face it. It's only a matter of time before the fuckers figure out how to implement this. (Mr MacTarpaulin-Smythe) All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/web2point0/ >> New challenge: What's behind your desktop? << If you peel off the wallpaper on your computer desktop, what's hiding behind? Show us the stuff that's behind the screen, the scientific and the surprising. Challenge suggested by Sverre. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/desktop/ >> Your challenge ideas << We want your image challenge ideas. Then we want you to vote on the challenges suggested by other people. Do it. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * LAST WEEK'S AD - with its Crying Game style strip poker ending - caused a few ructions. Luke writes, "That poker link was fucking disgusting... thiiiis close to blowin' my load, then mancock in the face. Thanks, jerks." Hehe. * EASTER MATRYOSHKA EGG - Ska King Cody diligently studied the design of those little nesting Russian dolls, then made the same thing with a shedload of chocolate eggs. And why? As a beautiful gift to his lovely lady. Oh, and because it was Easter last weekend too. http://www.b3ta.com/board/5842837 * B3TA NOT BANNED - "My boyfriend just told me that he can't get to the site from work as it violates the terms and conditions of internet usage there or something," beams pamlet. "He works for the federal government of Canada. I work for Adobe and b3ta's not blocked here yet!" And we should hope not too, all things considered. ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Ice-wall smashing game This week's intensely irritating game sees you running face-first at barriers of ice blocks. Time your punches badly and you smash your head in. Tricky, but the little 'success' animation keeps you wanting to carry on playing. http://snipurl.com/bigwallofrape ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * DAVE THE CHAMELEON CRAZY FROG RINGTONE - come on Labour Party central office, you've created a great character there, we want to see more of him. And you'll make a shit load of cash. * RADIO 1 TO STOP PIMPING PODCASTS SO HEAVILY - please stop asking us to download your podcasts, we're already listening to the shows via the bloody radio and it's getting annoying. Anyway, as you legally have to cut the music out, having 2hrs of Chris Moyles with no breaks is a shitty experience anyway. * A VIRTUAL BUBBLE WRAP SIMULATOR - and a website with hamsters dancing. We've looked everywhere on the internet and can't find anything of this calibre. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by lizzyb78, adrianord, Totally mexico, james_vinny, pbergin1, demon_vulture & spitze. Top Tippery by David Manuel. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Hola to b4ta. (108488 - 35100) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Can't open a screw-top bottle? Stick the cap in the hinge of the door and close the door until the cap is gripped tightly. Twist the bottle and the cap should pop off. Warning: This does work very effectively but we've damaged the paintwork of a few doors with this. ------------------------------------------------- : SPONSORED LINK Same shit different day? Stop being a wage slave - do something you love. Chinwag Jobs, your boss fears us! http://jobs.chinwag.com/p/b3ta_apr21/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive