we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: WHAT'S ORANGE AND LOOKS GOOD ON A HIPPY? next issue » « previous issue This Week: * QUESTION - Mental teenage parties * PICS - Baby vs Baby * VIDEO - 12 minutes of Japanese Heath-Robinson ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Baby vs Baby, Hypnosis and kitten-based security >> Baby vs. Baby << Mrs Ginger Fuhrer writes, "I asked my husband whether he could fix-it-for-me to have my own version of Kittenwar but with babies. Being a loving and kindly Fuhrer he's sorted it out." So if looking at pictures of babies is your thing, or if you fancy putting your pride-and-joy into web battle, you know where to click. http://www.babyvsbaby.com/ >> Hypnosis trick << "I got this guy in Portobello Market to believe he was David Blaine", mesmerises hypnochimp, "but without any knowledge of magic." Ha, what a marvellous idea. We're also jealous and have a sudden and uncontrollable urge to learn hypnosis ourselves. http://www.b3ta.com/links/6257 >> Kitten-based security: Geeks only << You know those annoying "type this phrase into the box" authentication things you get when you sign up for a website? They're there to stop spammers abusing nice sites like ours. Podgey22 has come up with a fantastic alternative: get people to identify kittens. It's actually a small stroke of genius - a challenge that machines find hard, people find easy and best of all, it's kinda fun. BTW: This link has been all over the web this week before we even got round to mentioning it. http://www.thepcspy.com/kittenauthtest It's also nice to note that The Register have picked up the story and given b3ta a small mention, not because it was made by one of our boarders, but because b3ta likes kittens. http://www.theregister.co.uk/2006/04/12/kittenauth... ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Heckles We wanted the best heckles you'd heard: http://b3ta.com/questions/heckles/ * More a loud bang than a heckle "A mate of mine worked for a stage rigging, company - one of his main jobs was looking after aerial safety on Gladiators. In between series he was sent to work at a holiday camp for Keith Harris. The act was supposed to start with him on stage talking to an unseen Orville. The green duck would be whingeing about not being able to fly and would launch into the madly annoying 'I wish I could fly' song which plagued the charts in the 80s. At the climax Orville would be released from the back of the auditorium on a wire to 'fly' over the kids' heads. The job was easy money but Harris turned out to be a complete and utter twat who pissed everyone off. My mate decided to take revenge and one night packed Orville full of stage explosives and a detonator. Half way down the wire cue a loud bang, a shower of green feathers, a room full of traumatised kids and an apoplectic Harris. My mate got fired on the spot, but it was so worth it." (ru55311) * JFK "In GCSE history for some reason we had to watch Kennedy getting shot. I never understood why, since we were learning about Russia at the time. Maybe the teacher had the decorators in or summat and just wanted to see a man die. Anyway, just as his cranium explodes in a shower of brain, blood and bone, Chris shouts in his best South Park voice "Oh my god! They killed Kennedy" immediately followed by the entire class shouting "You Bastards!" We never got to watch videos after that." (Furness) * Girls Aloud "It wasn't really a heckle as such, but half way through their act, a security guard came on stage and announced, "If anything else is thrown on the stage, Girls Aloud will stop playing." A shoe hit him in the face. At least they kept their promise though." (Ant Marching) >> This Week's Question << Remember your teenage parties? The preparation, the mounting horror of the event, the endless gossip of who did what afterwards... tell us all about it: http://b3ta.com/questions/teenageparties/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates. >> Bunny suicides << Most people in the UK will have heard of Bunny Suicides; it was the Xmas book hit of a couple of years ago. Frankly, we never bothered reading it, but some naughty sausage has stuck the entire book online for free reading. This might seem like copyright suicide, but we reckon it might accidentally sell more books. Certainly, now that we've read it, we rather like it and would consider buying it as a present if we were really stuck for ideas. However, we wonder if the publishers will see it the same way or take this site down sharpish. http://people.freenet.de/schnubelken/bunnys/ >> Big people art << In B3ta Towers we scream, "Art is shit. Art must die," but we rather enjoyed Ron Mueck's work on creating huge giant people. Apparently he used to work making props and special effects for films. Which at least means he's learnt a craft before putting his ideas to the world. Christ, we're turning into old cunts, "Tracy Emin, but can she paint a kitten?" http://tinyurl.com/fyrgy >> Kitten bath << Fact: Cats hate water. Fact: Wet cats are funny. Can we do the "can someone wash my pussy, it fucking stinks" line now? Pleeeeeeeease. http://www.flickr.com/photos/hyc/sets/720575940977... >> Shoes for dogs << In the endless web fascination for animals dressed as people, we'd somehow missed the idea of pups in footwear. Hmmm, what next? Lemurs in leg-warmers? http://www.neopaws.com/shoes.html >> Pervert paradise << There's a certain type of user this dating site is going to attract and we doubt it's who they wanted. It's a rather strange idea to have a dating site that exclusively caters to those looking for a disabled partner. Clearly, if you're disabled and looking for a date you'd just register with your bog-standard site. So this, to us, suggests some kind of prurient interest in cerebral palsy. http://www.dating4disabled.com/users/profile.asp >> Excessively detailed train picture << Bert Monroy is a digital artist who slowly and painstakingly creates extraordinarily photorealistic scenes exclusively in Photoshop. But what scenes! Frankly, this, which took 2000 hours and involved 15000 layers, is the most banal and meaningless display of technical genius we have seen all year. We fall at your feet, Bert Monroy, as you obviously aren't even trying that hard! http://www.bertmonroy.com/fineart/text/fineart_dam... >> Creme Egg cake << Being fans of odd cookery experiments, we really enjoyed this guy's attempt to substitute creme egg for real egg in baking a cake. Very seasonal, nice write-up, horrid cake. http://shmivejournal.livejournal.com/125746.html >> Tiger Woods 'spaz' shame << In a story that was pretty widely reported in the UK, Tiger Woods said that he had played like a 'spaz'. Cue any number of debates about political correctness. This is worth reading through, if only to see people getting offended at other people being offended by still more people originally being offended. Bunch of retards. http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/4902432.stm >> Nice song << Nothing much to say here, other than LDN by Lily Allen is a great little ska tune and very catchy. "Riding through the city on my bike all day, cos the filth took away my licence..." http://www.myspace.com/lilymusic ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Double fluff spesh >> Toy kitten << Don't think we've linked a toy before, but we defy you not to smile. http://www.fadeeva.com/a105.html >> Baby pandas << We've certainly done baby pandas before, but look! There is so many of them! http://snipurl.com/p4wq ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Youtube / Google vids etc etc etc >> Coke jet pack << Who hasn't wondered whether 40 shaken-up soda bottles could produce enough lift to propel a man into through the air? Next week we bring you a small child lifted by 100 helium balloons... http://snipurl.com/jetpack >> Who wants to be a millionaire? << Bloke gets onto the TV show and gets the first question wrong, hence winning sod all. However, our cynical minds wonder whether he planned it that way, as surely there's commercial opportunities in being famous for making the wrong decision. Virtually any brand would do, "Should have gone to SpecSavers" etc. http://snipurl.com/millionmillion >> 12 minutes of Japanese Heath-Robinson << Remember The Great Egg Race where some old moon faced boffin got punters to make impossible machines from Meccano and string? It's back, it's got a great sound track and it kicks that Honda video into a shitty hat. http://www.pistolwimp.com/media/44210/ >> NSFW: Sword fighting << 'Sword fighting' is the practise of young men using their penis's as bayonets flapping them against the others member. Frankly this isn't swordsmanship to the Olympic standard, but words cant describe how fitting the music is. Joyful. But also clearly gay porn. http://clankolera.clan.pro/ >> NSFW: 'Gourd' cock<< Want to know what happens if you inject silicone into your penis regularly for six years? This man has done it and the results are eye-popping. Apparently a clip from a recent Channel 4 documentary - ain't the web great - sod the rest of the show, this is the bit people need to see. http://www.flurl.com/item/De_Perfecte_Penis_u_1061... >> Magic book paintings << 'Fore-edge painting' is the almost forgotten art of painting on the edges of pages to create an image that can only be seen when you skew the book. Beautiful idea and we'd love to see a renaissance of it in publishing. http://www.foredgefrost.co.uk/video2.htm ------------------------------------------------- : HATE MAIL CORNER * STEPHEN LAWRENCE - "Oh my god, Your website is so offensive" trills Mandeeeeep, "I can not believe my eyes when I saw "stab Stephan Lawrence..." I will never visit your website ever again. I also will urge all my friends never to come back. I am so disgusted. I eagerly await your response." Our response: we've got some rum types on our messageboard that enjoy offending people. http://www.b3ta.com/board/5827946 * KIDDYPRON - "your kids selling sweets in pink leotards overstepped the mark", carps [email protected] "You're going to get in trouble showing that stuff, spoof or no spoof. I'm leaving B3ta." Our response: Bye then. Actually, this story is kinda interesting because the did get another website into trouble: http://snipurl.com/pronpronpron * LADY APOLOGY - verity_halliday moans, "CaroWallis is a girl as any fule kno. Good grief, she's been to enough bashes and there is information on her Flickr profile and everything! *despairs*" Um, sorry CaroWallis that we thought you were a man. We are blind-lady-man-fools. ------------------------------------------------- : HUMAN ZOO When body-building goes bad... We've already done the penis link where the bloke injects himself with silicon, so what about a man who injected his biceps with oil? Mind boggling. http://snipurl.com/myzooisyourzoo ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Town Advertising Challenge Last week we asked you to promote the place where you live. Our favourites included: * NOTTINGHAM - providing a fresh look at legendary folk-hero Robin Hood. (CongoJoe) * EASTBOURNE - proof, if anyone needed it, of the town's enduring popularity with the elderly. (The Great Architect) * LONDON - bonus points for excessive use of visual innuendo. (friendlyfire) All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/tourism/ Two weeks ago we wanted details of the most inappropriate charity events you'd like to sponsor. Our favourites included: * ECZEMA SCRATCHCARD - genius: raise money for skin complaints and win a fiver. (Dixon Bawls) * 9/11 BASE JUMP - what better way to raise funds for the victims of terrorism than by jumping out of a tall building? (frshhh) * LEST WE FORGET - marking Remembrance Day with an Alzheimer's fundraiser. (Beau Bo d'Or) See all the entries: http://b3ta.com/challenge/charity/ >> New challenge: Web 2.0 << Web 2.0 is the current geek buzzword. It's all about Flickr and del.icio.us, Ajax, tagging, community, and applications that never come out of beta. What strange and useful products will Web 2.0 throw up? Show us... http://b3ta.com/challenge/web2point0/ >> Your challenge ideas << We'd like you to suggest a challenge, and vote on the ideas suggested by others. Do it now. http://b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * GOOGLE EARTH ADS - a few weeks ago we wondered about when companies would start making really massive ads that can be seen on satellite imagery. Well, the answer is 'now' and the company is, er, Maxim. Cheers MSPaintGuru for the link: http://snipurl.com/googlemyass * B3TA BANNED (AGAIN) - Last week we were tickled by the news that b3ta is blocked by the Black Spider web filtering system for a whole host of naught reasons. "Thought you might like to know you're also blocked by Websense," gloats philstaite, "But under the slightly more appropriate category of 'Useless'." Bah. * COWS WITH BRAS - Last week we mocked something as being as ridiculous as a bra for cows. Roddy piped up with, "They do exist. I've seen photographic evidence. A mate of mine from high school went on holiday to Norway and took pics. Their udders were so big as to necessitate support to prevent them from trailing on the ground. As far as I recall, the bra was similar to a hairnet in construction." Proof, dammit! We want pictures! * PRACTICAL JOKES - "I don't know about the reverse intercom abuse mentioned in the newsletter but I did get a good reaction to a different jape," gloats Afinkawan "One of my best friends (I'll call him Mike because that's his name) was sharing a flat with three other guys. One day I posted an anonymous note through their door, made from letters I'd cut out of the newspaper. It said something like, 'The police are watching you, act normal.' Apparently, Mike arrived home to find his flatmates in a mad paranoid panic, not knowing what was going on or who they could trust and having flushed their stash down the toilet. Must try that again one day." Hehehe - tho you do scare us a little. * WORLD'S LARGEST PAINT BALL - "I just wanted to say thanks for mentioning the world's largest paint ball," beams jkbrooks85, "It's not every day that my original hometown of Alexandria, IN (population 3,600) gets mentioned outside city limits. And yes, it is a tourist attraction and has been featured on several television shows and news broadcasts." ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Planarity Arrange the lines so that none of the vertices overlap. Simple for the first couple of levels, then fiendishly difficult and worth a fairly lengthy perusal. http://www.planarity.net/ ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Three minute pilot TV shows we'd really like to make include: * HYPNOLEBRITY - take punters and hypnotise them into thinking they're Paris Hilton and send them off to Brixton to buy cocaine. * LORRY DRIVER REGRESSION - take gruff working-class blokes and regress them to past lives as sexy Victorian chamber-maids. * BABY vs. BABY - run our new website as one of those quizmania type shows. Punters phone in baby photos and talk to a mumsy Anne Diamond figure about their kids. At home you SMS your prediction for the baby that'll win the battle. The prize pot gets split between the station, the winning photographer and correct prediction. We probably should pitch this to Sky rather writing it here, but fuck it, ideas are cheap. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by pluke, emmathegirl, elphantasmo, sinisterduck, j0hncarter, ablufia, Wor, Kev, jaypeabey, Confused, would we? Rich (Mr_B) and "Gene Pitney’s manager has today denied rumours that it will take 3 weeks to make his coffin from oak - it will in fact take 24 hours from balsa." Top Tippery by Davey Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. *** Answer to joke: Fire *** Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Props to b4ta. (108392 - 35777) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: You can make a microwave smell lovely and fresh by putting half a lemon in to cook for half a minute. Of course, if you don't enjoy the smell of lemons, you could always try the same trick with something else. Shoe-polish, for example. Or lard. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive