we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "FOR FUCK'S SAKE TELL A JOKE, I'M BLIND!" next issue » « previous issue This Week * QUESTION - Best heckles ever (read this) * COMPO - Strut your stuff for Weebl * BONUS FEATURE - Fake sex bits ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1 Mongs, dancing and soap >> Cerebral Dollsy << Ginger Fuhrer Rob Manuel found this toy on sale in a market in Holloway and bought it to show the world. "It has set me back £1," he said. "I hope it was money well spent." What were the doll designers thinking when they gave the go-ahead for this? http://flickr.com/photos/robmanuel/123767886/ >> Weebl's Fancy Dancer Award 2006 << The prestigious Weebl's Stuff dance prize is now up for grabs, and Jonti's looking for some fancy dance-floor action. The award itself looks to be a weighty chunk of precious Lucite - a prize indeed! But more than that, friends - you'll win the prize of self-expression! http://snipurl.com/fancydancingcomp >> Cock soap! << CaroWallis got given one of those 'make a novelty soap' kits the other day and wasted no time in turning it into a strawberry-scented replica of his honourable member - a feat of which he is inordinately proud. Kinda NSFW, although it is just soap, after all. http://www.flickr.com/photos/carowallis1/sets/7205... ------------------------------------------------- : FILTHY MARKETING Cum, 'Lip' Sanitary towels & Kiddie pron * CUM - word of the day on dictionary.com. Surely only picked so that idiots like us would link to it. BTW: It's a shoddy dictionary that won't list 'cum' as also meaning orgasm-juice. http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday/archi... * 'LIP' SANITARY TOWELS - "I'm currently on holiday in Uruguay", boasts Russell, "and found something that amused me. I've uploaded a pic for your readers." Blimey. The directness of the approach looks more Australian to us. http://img162.imageshack.us/my.php * 'LICKABLE' POPSICLES - As for this one, well... it's very, very wrong is what it is. Would you get away with this if the models were, say, in their twenties? So decide for yourself whether or not this is actually real... http://snipurl.com/lickable ------------------------------------------------- : SPONSORED LINK Bad office chairs? Are your office chairs giving you a bad back? Then send your boss this video and point out the health and safety issues. http://snipurl.com/officechairsvideo ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates. >> Beard time-lapse << All men at some point wonder "what would I look like with a beard?" and all geeks wonder, "I wonder if I could use time-lapse photography to chart my beard's progress and make a popular web page?" Well, we've wondered that, and we've been beaten to the punch. BTW: Do any of our younger readers want to chart the growth of their own pubic hair? Or would this be illegal? http://www.nowstartabeard.com/index.htm >> St George's Day holiday campaign << There is a chance the public can make St George's Day a public holiday after this year - a very slim chance, mind you, as it's one of those internet petition things. However, we like the idea of getting an extra day off work, and killing dragons in the High Street. We'd probably need a national drink too (like the Irish have Guinness on St Patrick's Day), err.. the best we can think of is alco-tea. http://www.stgeorgesday.com/voting.asp >> Mac SE Simulator << A loving re-creation of the early Mac experience using Flash. Complete with MacDraw and a few games, it's either an autistic labour of love or secret brand marketing from Apple to remind you, "we've always been lovely, you know." http://www.myoldmac.net/webse-e-flash.htm >> Big ball of paint << Starting with an ordinary baseball, Mike and Glenda Carmichael added layers and layers of paint. Over 28 years later, they have created the world's largest ball of paint. It's frightening that there are places where this is considered the best tourist attraction. http://ballofpaint.freehosting.net/index.html >> Best actor biog ever << A check on IMDB shows Ann Sellors only ever appeared in one film. But if you saw the film then you'll remember her. We wonder why she quit - guess she was afraid of getting typecast. http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1856457/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2 Road signs and dugongs >> Red-neck road signs << Andy Foulds returns to the fold (sorry) with another of his slick Flash creations. You get to blast the shit out of a series of road signs. With a shotgun. That's all there is to it, but it's good fun. http://snipurl.com/redneckroadsigns >> Dugong song << We despise the dugong as the shittest of the sea mammals. Jonti, however, disagrees. He's made this lovely ditty to persuade you too of the beauties of the humble sea cow. http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/dugong/ ------------------------------------------------- : FAKE SEX BITS Cockfest, Realdoll doctor & Rasputin's penis >> Happy cock day! << This stuff isn't so much a total shock - you could say we're old hands at the Japanese cock festival scene. But nonetheless, to see so much phallic and sexual imagery just treated as a normal celebration is bizarre and this gallery of photos deserves to be checked out. http://snipurl.com/penisparade >> Realdoll repairman << Meet 'Doctor Jackson', a bloke who specialises in the repair of high-end sex dolls. This interview with the reclusive repairman reveals that the man has more than a few personal quirks. http://www.newsreview.com/sacramento/Content >> Pickled penis of Rasputin << Some Russian museum is claiming to have acquired the severed member of the mad monk immortalised in song by Boney M. Going by this pic, he was a rather large lad. http://www.sixdifferentways.com/archives/007154.ht... It does all seem a little unlikely, however. Penis experts reckon Rasputin's knob was actually preserved by drying - like a tomato. The photo above is more likely of a dead geoduck, which is a particularly meaty, burrowing mollusc. http://www.cses.washington.edu/cig/figures/Geoduck... ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH The 'real' Firefox "Where in blue piss was my weekly dose of cute in last week's cocking mail-out?", cusses Elchooper. "Luckily for you, I found this on my travels trying to calm my aching brian. Isn't it just the sweetest tech-cute hybrid you've ever seen? Even my blackened heart is softened by that." http://media.disloyal.org/Pictures/681_the_real_fi... ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCMHIDEO Germans, Actory types & Stop-motion genius * ANGRY GERMAN KID - okay, it's old but we were just looking at the clip again this afternoon. Is he just putting it on? He'd be a brilliant actor if he was, but you never know... http://snipurl.com/angrygermankid * CHARLIE ACTING CLASS - perhaps this is the future of acting auditions. This is what we can only describe as a cover version of a scene from the 1971 film Charlie & The Chocolate Factory. That said, this chap is excellent. http://youtube.com/watch * LIVE-ACTION, STOP-MOTION - A controversially arty bit of film. Director Russell Wyner uses stop-motion special effects to transcend an SFX budget of about 40p and deliver punchy visuals with a bonus kung-fu kickfest. So good, we punched a baby to even things out. http://video.google.com/videoplay ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK School Sports Day We wanted to know just how humiliated you'd been on sports day. What can we say? We're geeks. We wanted to share the pain. http://b3ta.com/questions/sportsday/ * The Third Leg "Remember the three-legged race? Aged about 15 I got tied to the best looking girl in the year for an inter-school sports day. She gave me a jolly stern talking to about tactics and technique, and sure enough we crossed the finishing line first. She was tremendously excited. Unfortunately, so was I. I don't know what came over me. It must have been the combination of bondage, balmy summer weather, her severe but enthusiastic will to win, and the electricity generated by our thighs pumping together in white-clad wonder. Whatever. My Dad still has a picture of me being presented with my winner's rosette, huge grin plastered on my face, a beautiful girl on my leg and a stonking boner to boot. Cheers!" (Boss Killer) * The High Jump "I was forced into the high-jump competition. All well and good thinks I as I can exit the competition early on, though I was rather worried about the school equipment - the high-jump bar was of a rather solid steel construction and looked a lot like scaffolding. I run up. I attempt the 'scissors' technique that pre-dates the fosbury flop. I cock up and execute a rather fine flying kick. Bruce Lee himself would have been proud as I made contact with the bar, kicking it sideways into one of the guys standing beside it. He screams in pain. And then screams some more as the support pole falls onto his head. Never got made to do that again." (bigquack) * The Six Million Dollar Man "On my first sports day at Primary School, I came up with the fantastic tactic of running like the fastest man I knew. Unfortunately that man was "Steve Austin, Astronaut - A man barely alive" or "The Six Million Dollar Man", who ran so fast that they had to show him running in slow motion. To my five year old mind though, I knew if I ran in slow motion I would leave everyone standing... I didn't. I came last, but I recall I still got a lollipop from a sympathetic but smirking teacher." (bedford van) >> This Week's Question << We'd like your stories to hear about the best heckles you've heard. Some great entries so far including, "One of the acts was a mime artist. He was about 5 minutes into his act when a shout came from the back 'for fuck's sake tell a joke, I'm blind'" (montyyouterribleCUNT) http://b3ta.com/questions/heckles/ ------------------------------------------------- : SIGNS OF THE APOCALYPSE: Pants for dogs Dogs are stupid, over-eager creatures with only the vaguest acquaintance with personal hygiene. And, hey, that's part of their charm. But not according the good people at Flat-D. Oh no, they think you should dress your pet in a fart-reducing thong that will make him look like a sumo wrestler with hormonal problems. What next, brainiacs - bras for cows? Hmm. Actually... http://www.flat-d.com/thong.html ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * KERSAL MASSIVE - ajkalltheway writes, "although I don't know the kids in the clip, a friend of mine's little brother attends school with them. In the rap they talk about the Levenshulme "massive" not having shit on them. Well in fact they do, as several days after the video was posted on the internet, the Levenshulme "crew" came down to their school, and showed them that in actual fact they do have shit on them, and in a most brutal manner." * CAPTAIN BIRDSEYE ABANDONED - word reaches us that Birdseye is currently casting for the new 'face' of their fish fingers product. And a young, non-beardy, distinctly non-paedo-captainly face at that. Could it be anything to do with the link we posted a few months back being "representative of how their brand is perceived in the market place"? Perhaps, dear readers, perhaps. http://youtube.com/watch * B3TA BANNED AGAIN - Adam points out that our site has recently been blocked by the 'Black Spider' web filtering system for "content such as tasteless humor, excretory functions (vomiting, urinating, or defecating), graphic medical or accident scene photos (containing blood or wounds), and some extreme forms of body modification (cutting, branding, or genital piercing)." Which all feels both kinda cool and a little unfair considering that we're maybe 98% kittens. Emo kittens possibly. * RAW EGG / GUINNESS - Evil Bastardo comments "I don't know about raw egg, but mayonnaise definitely works. I used to work in a pub, and one night we were having pint races with a surplus of Guinness. An annoying boyfriend of the assistant manager had joined in and we decided to stick mayonnaise in one of his pints. It worked, and was completely undetectable floating below the head. On the next race it sent him heading to the bathroom to chuck up everywhere." Woo. Nice one. ------------------------------------------------- : MARTIN GILKS OBIT B3ta person passes Many newspapers and websites have covered the untimely passing of Martin Gilks, ex-drummer of The Wonder Stuff. We're particularly sad about the news, as not only was he the drummer in one of our favourite bands, he also was part of the extended B3ta team, handling our t-shirt sales. Many of you readers have bought our shirts, personally packaged by the hand that drummed on 90s classics like Size of a Cow and Dizzy. So here's to Martin, with thoughts to his family and two children that he leaves behind. ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include: * REAL BRITNEY STATUE - Megan writes, "About the Britney birthing statue - she had an elective caesarian, she didn't even try to give birth." We'd like to see that statue. (Link goes to a photoshop of Skeletor cheerfully taking pregnant Britters from behind. Woo.) http://snipurl.com/brittersorshitters * MOTION-ACTIVATED WEBCAM ABUSE - Andyphillpott carps, "We had one in our office, which we left on accidentally. The next morning we found we had perfect footage of one of the cleaners firstly reading numerous pages from the Guinness Book of Records, before then helping himself to a few pound coins on the desk. He's not there anymore..." * INTERCOM SABOTAGE - Andyphillpott continues, "reverse intercom use - bloody marvellous. Pick up the internal handset on any intercom and it connects you to the front door. We do it frequently at our office as people walk by and watch them shit themselves. Phrases such as "I have seen you, and you have been bad" (in a deep God-like voice) get some wonderful reactions." Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Fascists Eat Donuts, sisterripple, Gigervamp, tickled_egg, shitkicker, Yank Meoff, matt :: the viral factory, iamcal, chiptooth, enceladus, Frankie Pigeon and Fido Dido. Top Tippery by Andy "Mr. Martin" Martin. Additional linkage and image challenge by birthday boy Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Props to b4ta. (108340 - 34192) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: If you're having trouble telling if something is made of silk or mercerised cotton, there is a sure way to tell. Set it on fire. If it stinks of hair, you've burned your fine, silken booty. But at least now you know. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive