we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "ROLL YOUR OWN TAMPONS" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * REPORT - DIY Tampons tested * REMIX - Kersal Massive * SEX - B3ta pin-up of the week ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Top tampons tested << If B3ta was a lady she'd always be on the blob, hence we were happy to read about Jim's scientific rag-testing. Particular props to his roll-your-own fanny-stick made from a few kitchen towels and some string. Now if there are any women reading who'd like to test this for real, then you know where to send the photos to. http://snipurl.com/blobbyblobbyblobby >> More Tom Baker Says << Few weeks back we covered the British Telecom SMS system which allows your messages to be read out in the voice of our toothy, curly haired wank-fantasy, Sir Thomas of Baker. Andy has gone one better and commanded him to sing. Although quite why he's singing The Smiths' 'How Soon Is Now' is anyone's guess. (We'd have picked the immortal Color me Badd's 'I Want To Sex You Up', and thrown in the Popbitch line, 'Tom is putting it in now' for good measure.) http://www.thedoctorsays.co.uk/thedoctorsings/inde... >> Kersal Massive remix << Last week's link to a bunch of chavvy kids rapping rather badly proved to quite popular. We've had numerous remixes sent in, with mC's one being our favourite. BTW: Does anyone know these kids? How are they dealing with their new-found internet fame? Trained webmongs are waiting for your email. http://www.b3ta.com/links/5361 >> Not a very good game, but very odd << Yay to the fuddled mind of Elliott Baker who's made a game that we can't really make work, but its very existence makes us smile. You play a bride on her wedding day and press left or right to avoid the ducks flying straight at your face. Poor Elliot, always the bridesmaid and never the bride. http://www.goringjazzgig.co.uk/odyssey/media/play/... ------------------------------------------------- : SPONSORED LINK Crap job? Sapping your will to live? How's about you put your talents to use and maybe even earn a little (or a lot?!) more! Chinwag Jobs has 900+ new media jobs listed on our new website, ranging from Google and Yahoo! to award winning creative agencies. Check it! http://jobs.chinwag.com/p/b3tamar >> Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : HUMAN ZOO B3ta pin-up of the week She's got more chins than a Chinese phone book, she has pretty eyes, pigtails and a moustache. She's a marvel. There's prizes available to any readers prepared to date her and write up the experience with photos. Who knows? Perhaps you'll fall in love. Just don't breed, ok? http://www.likemybody.com/index.php ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates. >> World's best resignation letter << Sysops are a funny old bunch. Within an organisation they may not be on the highest wage, but as they can read everyone's email and view peoples weblogs, they wield an inordinate amount of power. So here's a tip - never cross one. http://www.allowe.com/Humor/book/World%20Class%20R... >> Scarlett Johansson - Unamerican Terrorist << "Saw this on the bus and I must say I was quite shocked to see that Scarlett Johansson plotted a 9/11 hit on the White House," observes Overheat. BTW: We're trying to think of something funny to write about Scarlett, and we've been staring at her photo for an hour now - all we can think of is, "Phwoar. She's got great tits." http://img363.imageshack.us/img363/1329/randomphot... >> Practical jokes you can do at home: Door/Glass << Step 1: Remove glass from a busy door Step 2: Film some poor sods falling over when they try to pass through. Step 3: Stick the video on the web with some ad banners. Step 4: Profit! http://www.compfused.com/directlink/1302/ >> Gay dolls << Maybe the 'dress Barbie & Ken up and make them fuck like beasts' meme is old now. Didn't stop us getting a few giggles from this bumsexualist reworking. Anyone fancy making some Cabbage Patch scat? With real poo? http://www.poseablethumbs.com/galleries/action/ind... >> KitKats Vs Peanut butter << Nasty food is always an easy win for us. Loving this experiment to find out if the peanut butter KitKat can be improved by adding real peanut butter? Hmmm. What next? Geeks overclock your microwave so it can cook a Pot Noodle in 0.5 seconds? http://snipurl.com/kitkattwat >> Re-writing Enid Blyton illustrations << We read hundreds of Enid Blyton books as a child, and the only bits we remember was a gollywog character called N-word. This chappy has been amusing himself by taking the pictures from such books and writing naughty captions. The cheeky scamp. Cheap laughs for all the family. http://monkeyfluids.blogspot.com/ >> Britney birth sculpture << Christ's shitting man-fanny. Have you seen this yet? A Pro-Life statue of Britney Spears giving birth on a bearskin rug. Actually, speaking as worldly wise web-Uncle types who know about such things, we're not sure Britney's composed expression is entirely accurate. She'd be more likely scream, "You fucking cunt. Why did I allow you to get me pregnant?" and then shit herself and cry. Didn't stop us cracking one out in the waiting room though. http://www.caplakesting.com/2006_catalog/de/index.... ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK In the Army Now Last week we asked for your stories of the armed forces: http://b3ta.com/questions/inthearmynow/ Here's three stories that touched us in that special way: * "Bear in mind I was 14 and this was cadets: Drill Instructor - Get up the rope! Me - Sir, I cannot get up the rope, Sir! DI - I am ordering you to get up the rope. Are you disobeying a direct order? Me - Sir. I cannot get up the rope, Sir! DI - What kind of yellow faggot are you? Did the doctor make a mistake and hand your mother her placenta sack or did she give birth to a boy? Me - Sir. She gave birth to a boy, sir. DI - Then get up the fucking rope, schmuck. Me - Sir. I really... I can't... the rope, Sir. DI - Well I hope your mother's proud. She's the parent and owner of a talking sack of shit. That's quite a feat. She should be in Ripley's Believe it or not. She should be in the Guinness Book of Records. I don't think anybody has ever passed a whingeing turd before. Is your mother proud of you, schmuck? Me - Sir, My mother hung herself three years ago, sir. DI - Oh. So the rope is reminding... Me - Sir, Yes Sir! DI - Move on to the next obstacle!" (I'm a schmuck) * "A recently ex-RAF pilot mate now works as a very posh taxi driver, flying celebs and the well-to-do around as part of a fleet of private jets. Not that funny in itself, but in a freezer at their base is a collection of celebrity turds that the crews 'collect' from the jet khazis. He is very proud that his first contribution was a brown otter belonging to a certain ex-member of a girl band who was quite posh. He also claims that there is a collection of Royal steamers harvested from the Royal jet, under lock and key on an RAF base. Why? Why not?" (I am spartacus) * "At school this slightly plump girl in my form said she wanted to join the army. So naturally, I asked her if she was going to be a bomb, she didn't like that. She didn't want to be a tank either - I checked." (Didyoumissme1) >> This Week's Question << We'd like your stories from school sports days. When you've got your breath back, talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/sportsday/ ------------------------------------------------- : FILTHY MARKETING Boobies. Boobies. Boobies. Boobies. Boobies. Popular link site, Fark always denotes its pages of filth with a small, jiggling icon marked 'boobies'. Looks like this 99p store is a fan. (Thanks Kushan.) http://snipurl.com/titstitstits ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Google Challenge Last week we asked you to imagine a world where everything was owned by Google. Our favourites included: * FEELING LUCKY? - We like the idea of a world in which a single click could save one from a rogue cop's deadly bullets. (mugatu) * FLAT SEARCH - a genuinely useful implementation of Google's search technology. One day this will be real. (gaijintendo) * MUSIC SEARCH - another possible vision of the future. Surely it's only a matter of time. (monkeon) All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/google/ >> New challenge: Inappropriate Charity Events << Want to help in the battle against anorexia? Then why not organise a charity bake-off to raise awareness? We want to see what poorly thought-out charity events you'd like to sponsor. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/charity/ >> Your challenge ideas << We'd like you to suggest a challenge, and vote on the ideas suggested by others. Do it now. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * EAR CANDLE TEST - JimmerUk (he of the tampon test) writes, "I was bored one evening and was flicking through some old newsletters for ones I had missed. I discovered you'd been having a debate on Ear Candles. My girlfriend swears by these, and I have always humoured her. After reading everyone's comments I decided to put them to the test." BTW: JimmerUK, you should dump your missus. She's clearly a wax-eared hippy. And probably fucking the local Chinese herbalist. http://snipurl.com/fuckingearcandles * GIANT CREME EGG - j0nnyspence writes, "You may remember my 'solid chocolate easter egg' in last year's mail. This time I've gone a little further and made a giant creme egg. BTW: The photos peter out on this when the cameras batteries run out. For fuck's sake readers! Get a job and stop being such batteryless povos. http://mysite.wanadoo-members.co.uk/j0nnyspence/eg... * THINGSTHATMAKEYOUGOAAHH - we met a bloke in the pub this week who mentioned he liked the collection of cute photos we put together from your suggestions. He told us, "I sent them to this woman I liked and it got me laid." Blimey. Next time send us the photos. Not for publication. For our private use. http://www.thingsthatmakeyougoaahh.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Sketchy platform game Loving this hard-drawn reworking of the old Sonic game. Should keep you busy if you're not allowed to look at porn in your office. http://hallpass.com/media/fancypantsadventure.html ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA CALENDAR Meet webtards and duff them up A while back we opened the B3ta Calendar to allow you to organise your own events and have a social life beyond collecting imaginary friends on Myspace. We're pleased to report that's ticking along nicely and lots of people are meeting up, getting drunk and some even copping off and having babies. Here's a couple of events you might like to know about: * LONDON BASH - this Saturday from 2pm there will be beers in London. http://www.b3ta.com/calendar/event/2511 * AMSTERDAM - what about 2 days of drinking, walking around the red-light district, and getting paranoid on super-skunk? http://www.b3ta.com/calendar/event/2599 * B3TA GAY PRIDE - we've finally arrived and we have our own GaySoc. http://www.b3ta.com/calendar/event/2199 ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * RAW EGGS GUINNESS - CrispyDolphin writes, "breaking a raw egg into a pint of Guinness results in the egg floating on the surface of the liquid but hidden by the creamy, thick head, rendering the egg invisible to any unwitting drinker. Once supped upon, this protein-enriched pint will cause instant vomiting due to the slimy shock of the egg slipping down your throat and the old brain issuing RED ALERT! EJECT EJECT! signals." Now, we don't know if this is true but would love to know for sure. Photograph/video the resulting reactions. * NABAZTAG HACKING PRANKS - get one of those wireless bunnies and hack it to say, "I see dead people." Leave it in the office and freak out the cleaners. Video this. * WHEELCHAIR FUN - turn up at celebrity events with sitting in a wheelchair and holding a microphone. Celebs will queue up to talk to you, thinking of the great PR value. Visibly shit yourself and say, "sorry. I've had an accident." Film the reaction. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Links sent in by delicious, rhcpaul, cheb, jo-jo the majic clown, goatboy2k, drunkenoaf. Top Tippery by "Anthea Turner: Perfect Housewife". BTW: She doesn't look bad for 45 until you get the close-ups. She's gone too thin and it's ageing her. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. The man from B4ta. He say yay! (108290 - 34203) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Get cat hair off your sofa by rubbing the fabric with a rubber glove. (This can also spice up a dull wank.) next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive