we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "HOW DO YOU GET A ONE ARMED IRISHMAN OUT OF A TREE?" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * QUESTION - Ever met a weirdo on the internet? * SICK JOKE BOOK - we have publisher * WEB 2.0 - backlash ahoy ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Vegans, Cheney, eBay and Dragons >> Never let a vegan cook << "Look look look look look what I've done!" trills Comma, "I've made a giant vegan Jaffa Cake, aren't I great?" Ah. Um. Actually, this looks kind of revolting and we're very glad you're not cooking our dinner tonight. http://www.ayliff.freeserve.co.uk/sarah/jaffacake.... >> Obligatory Cheney game << U.S Vice President Dick Cheney has suffered much public ridicule since his accidental shooting of 78-year-old man whilst on a duck hunt. Even Microsoft chairman Bill Gates was moved to comment during computer security conference "I'm really glad to be here. My other invitation was to go quail hunting with Dick Cheney." Basically, we're saying as humour targets go, Cheney is a sitting duck. This hasn't stopped our lovely flash genius chum Andy Foulds turning it into a strangely beautiful game though. http://www.andyfoulds.co.uk/amusement/lawyer_hunt.... >> eBay advert parody << Your Ginger Fuhrer is feeling rather pro eBay today as he's just bought a lovely mac laptop at a knock-down price - chances are the next issue will be written in Helvetica. Anyways, we enjoyed Curis and Caro's charming little take on the ad campaign currently running on UK telly. http://www.b3ta.com/links/3366 >> Lovely dragons << Several months back we linked a little origami project to make a paper dragon whose head nods as you move around the room. Straymuffin has filmed it. It's not essential viewing, but we love the music (The Flumps) and the oddly bashful dragon. http://www.b3ta.com/links/3269 ------------------------------------------------- : SICK JOKE BOOK UPDATE Fuck my boots, we have a publisher The book they said would never be published, the B3ta Bumper Book of Sick Jokes has secured a publisher with the lovely people at The Friday Project. Frankly, they're now shitting themselves wondering what exactly they've taken on. Anyways woos around, we think. We're also still looking for illustrations for our fine tome, so if you want the chance of seeing your skills in print then get cracking. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/sickjokes/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates. >> Squatting in the 70s << In 1977, Freston Road, a street in Notting Hill, attempted to create their own country apart from the United Kingdom, giving themselves the name Frestonia. This series of photos of hippies, drug addicts, tramps and single mums were to be their citizens. Of course it was doomed, but it's a fascinating slice of history none-the-less. http://www.halftone.co.uk/fres/fresmenu.htm >> Create your own Google news story << Tom Vendetta is a 16 year old student from New Jersey and self confessed "biggest Google fanboy ever." He's been mucking about, putting a jokey press release out claiming that Goggle have employed their youngest intern ever, i.e him. The release gets picked up by the Goggle news service itself and all hell breaks loose. Read on: http://snipurl.com/googlebooboo >> The 39 dollar experiment << Bloke buys $39 worth of stamps. Sends 100 letters to different companies asking for 'free stuff' - so far he's generated $137.41 of almost entirely useless crap. Oddly enough he also mentions B3ta alumnus Joel Veitch's Quiznos ads, in one letter slamming them, and another letter rating them. Nice to know really. http://www.the39dollarexperiment.com/ >> Best radio ad ever << CCC posted this radio ad on our links board from Flintshire Motors asking whether it's the best or worst radio ad ever. The answer is clear, it's the best. It's fucking genius. http://www.b3ta.com/links/3507 >> Top Ten strangest Lego creations << An easy win for the Lego fans here. All the oddest brick stuff in one place. Our vote goes to number 6, the Lego harpsichord. http://snipurl.com/LegoCreations >> Dogs in shawls << Fraser should be worried, there's a new player on the block seeking the crown of 'best internet animal curator.' They look like Russian peasants queuing for potatoes to us. http://makiogumi.web.infoseek.co.jp/0main.html ------------------------------------------------- : GEEK OF THE WEEK Building weird projects because they can There was a family round our way when we were kids who had their front room fitted out as a bar. Complete with optics and beer pumps. They also kept mucky drawings under the bar, that my friends father had made of his mother. Our parent thought they were common. So welcome to 'cyber common web 2.0'... http://homepage.mac.com/mmurph/bar/ ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK School Fights We wanted you to tell us about the fights at school. We'd forgotten just how violent little kids can be: http://b3ta.com/questions/fightfightfight/ * I've been in exactly one fight... "I was in a bar in Bournemouth, minding my own business, getting rat-arsed. Beside me a rather attractive young first-year student. Guy standing other side of her giving her grief, pawing at her, trying to kiss her. She's obviously very pissed off with him. I decide to be a hero, and tell him to piss off. He takes offence at this, and takes a swing at me, which brushes my jaw, failing to properly connect. Without thinking, I swing a mighty left, and knock out the girl. Oops. And then I ran away." (Demonic Omelette) * Little girls "You do not know true terror until you have been bullied by cute little blonde girls. I'm in the top year at school. Those below me bend to my will, and anyone who crosses me feels me wrath. Unless they're in my year, or otherwise bigger than me, because I'm a weedy little fucker, but let's not go into that. Enter three girls three years below me. Blonde, they are, and about waist height. The kind that would make a child molester drop to his knees and weep. Now add the general demeanour of a nineteen year old chav who's been in and out of young offenders and jail since she was eight. But what are you supposed to do? You can't hit girls, especially not little girls. You can't ignore them, because then they nick your stuff and chuck things at you. So, one of them threw a chair at us. Things were said that perhaps shouldn't have been. Mistakes were made. My dear friend Robbie, in an act of brilliance that has never been paralleled since, snapped, grabbed a bin from nearby and proceeded to upturn it over her head. His intention was to trap her, and cause hilarity as she stumbled around. He did not expect the bin to be full. Full, specifically, of shitty cold soup and old yoghurt. In slow motion, a bucket load of what looked like cold puke (with lumps) dropped all over her. The whole hall stood frozen for a few moments, waiting for her reaction. She screamed. The silence broken, we all fled out the back door and ran off to next lesson. And that, my friends, was last Friday for you." (BionicSheep) * Comedy Classic "Some break times me and my group of mates used to form a large circle, facing inwards and start chanting the world standard, "FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!", which obviously attracts the attention of anyone near by, and causes them to come running to watch. Except when they got there, there was never a fight, just one of my mates doing "the robot" in the middle of the circle. Made us laugh every time." (Nyphur) >> This Week's Question << Met a weirdo on the interweb? Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/weirdos/ ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Cats are clever, dogs are stupid * CATS - known for the cunning with which they imitate the cries of a human infant to win your affection. Oh yes, cats are evil geniuses. These particularly sly moggies take it a step further and actually talk. But should you believe a cat that says he loves you? http://video.google.com/videoplay * DOGS - never get between a dog and his dinner. Not even if you're a bit of the same dog. This gifted canine suspects his hind legs of wanting to steal the dinner from his mouth. Yep. Dogs really are not the brightest. http://www.b3ta.com/links/3227 ------------------------------------------------- : WEB 2.0 HYPE BACKLASH SPESH To those living under a rock, the net has gone mad for 'Web 2.0' in the last year or so. We're talking those social applications like Myspace, and Flickr that allow you to collect friends and use clever new technology. Whenever something gets a bit of hype there's always a few kids at the back of the class, mocking teacher. Here's three of our favourites: * Isolatr - helping you find where other people aren't. http://isolatr.com/ * Web 2.0 or Star Wars Quiz? http://www.cerado.com/web20quiz.htm * Snubster - de-networking the people you hate. http://www.snubster.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Roman Internet Challenge Last week we wanted to know what the Romans would have got up to had they had the Internet. Our favourites included: * ROMAN ROADS - one thing is for certain: giving directions would be much, much simpler. (mugatu) * SPARTICUS - This joke came up more than once, but is represented best in this example of Instant Messaging chaos. (Tu9) * HADRIAN'S FIREWALL - we like this mainly because it's in Latin, and therefore beyond our comprehension. (mystery_bob) All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/romans/ >> New challenge: Failed Sex Toys << For every vacuum pump or vibrator that sells a million, there must be loads of sex toys that fail to make it to production, and we want to see the prototypes. Challenge suggested by 'you lose the game'. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/sextoys/ >> Your challenge ideas << We want your image challenge ideas. Then we want you to vote on the challenges suggested by other people. It's easy. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * IF MS INVENTED THE iPOD - A couple of weeks ago, we linked to a vid that took the piss out of Microsoft's cluttered box designs. But we didn't know who made it. Come this week and MS's Tom Pilla revealed it was no other than Microsoft themselves. "It was an internal-only video clip commissioned by our packaging [team] to humorously... educate marketers here about the pitfalls of packaging/branding," he said. * PHALLIC LOGO AWARDS - It seems that Pontin's found out about their inclusion in our now- legendary phallic logo awards. "They've now decided on a tiny change to the logo to remove said cockage," gleefully reports Artyzyph. "Across the whole company. AT TREMENDOUS COST!" Compare / contrast for yourself: http://www.b3ta.com/features/phalliclogoawards/ http://www.pontins.com/ * SHIT AND TOMATOES - Inclement weather has postponed the start of Scaryduck's experiment to grow fruit from his own faeces. Rest assured though, that the man himself is on a strict tomato-and-Guinness diet as he awaits the coming zephyrs. He promises pictures of the entire proceedings. Thanks. Thanks very much for that. http://snipurl.com/scarymuck ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Two-headed hydra of gaming doom * MONG OUT - dope smokers will enjoy this game of 'your the pretty little blob and you the only way forward is to eat all the other blobs.' A metaphor for life really. Assuming you're caned. http://intihuatani.usc.edu/cloud/flowing/core.html * STING GAME - more of an arcade game this one, can you guide the string around the maze without hitting the walls? We can't. But then we from suffer partial muscle paralysis, often accompanied by loss of sensation and uncontrollable body movements or tremors. http://www.zeronews-fr.com/flash/string-avoider.ph... ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * MOLESTR.COM - keeping the Web 2.0 parody stuff going, let's network the paedophiles and kids. * TOOTHPASTENOMORE.COM - don't brush your teeth again and take a photo each day. It'll be art. People would want to look, anyway. * CORRECTPOSTUREPRON.COM - we've been working with a bloke recently who's got a bit of a thing about women who sit up straight. He thinks they're 'prim but dirty' - looks like an untapped porn market to us. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- : THANKS This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Links sent in by hughlunnon & BourbonBiscuits. Top Tippery by ironman testicles. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. *** ANSWER TO JOKE: Wave *** Sorry to any lovely Irish people reading. Proofing that b4ta is woo. (108104 - 33566) ------------------------------------------------- : TOP TIP Always rip lettuce with your hands, as using a knife makes it go brown. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive