we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "WHY DOES DOCTOR PEPPER COME IN A BOTTLE?" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * CHALLENGE - If the Romans built the internet * PHOTOS - Roving B3ta reporter special * VIDEOS - Video, fucking loads of it. ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA PEOPLE TAKE PHOTOS Vandalism, Goatse (sorry) & L33t stuff >> Dinosaur cocks << "I drove past a lovely piece of vandalism this morning", snorts Apeman, "and nearly crashed the car I was laughing so much. It's near Swindon rail station, if anyone cares to look." Huzzah - loving this new trend of b3ta people spotting weird things to photo. BTW: this reminds us of a recent conversation we had with MJ 'Hey Hey 16k' Hibbett who was petitioning us to run 'Sexy Dinosaurs' as our next image challenge. http://snipurl.com/neod >> Pastry Goatse << Oh gawd. If you're reading this and work at the Co-Op you might want to have words with your HR department. Apparently you've been employing a b3tard by the name of cr3ative who's been giving your customers Goatse'd food. He writes, "Well, if they will insist on leaving me in charge of the royal Danishes..." Shame he didn't go for a jam filling though. http://www.b3ta.cr3ation.co.uk/data/danishse.jpg >> L33t road signs << Less geeky readers need a few footnotes here: Leet speak is what teenage hackers use to chat online, similar to txtspeak but even more incomprehensible. Leet means elite, hence 'the best'. Quite how that ended up as a road marking in Huddersfield is anyone's guess. Cheers to MC Quirkafleeg for the photo. http://img220.imageshack.us/img220/5978/leettraffi... ------------------------------------------------- : HUMAN ZOO Blue / Yellow Man Flickr have recently changed their community guidelines to "Don't Be creepy. Don't be that guy. You know the guy." We wonder if they're talking about this guy? http://www.flickr.com/photos/paintmeblue/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Bum Sex, Arctic monkeys, Yeast & The BBC >> Bum Sex << Your Ginger Fuhrer has been singing songs about bumming and attempting to hump inanimate objects. Why? Yours is not to question why. Oh ok, it's something to do with buying a new video camera last weekend and being left alone in the house. http://www.b3ta.com/links/2359 >> Down with Arctic Monkeys << UK readers are probably sick to their back teeth with the group Arctic Monkeys and their "Oooh, we became famous via the net. The interwebs love us" shtick. Mike Fishcake is, anyway and has written a lovely little song to air his frustration. WARNING: Contains the word 'fuck' rather a lot. But no cunts. Huzzah! http://www.teamfishcake.co.uk/article.php >> Yeast! << Not really sure why we're linking to this. When we first looked at it we thought, "This is a bit rubbish." Then spent the next 20 minutes shouting "yeast!" Maybe you'll do the same. If you do, our friend Londingham is to blame. WARNING: Not safe for ladies with Candida Albicans infections. http://www.sodall.co.uk/cannesten.html >> New BBC Idents << Electrolaze has been busy making a song with all the DIY attitude of punk rock and none of the fury. We're amused by the idea of the BBC taking it up as their new station indent. It's all about context you see; something that's a bit crappy on the web would be fantastic as a five million quid bit of branding. Imagine the viewers' letters! http://www.b3ta.com/links/2465 ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Jesus Christ - has the web gone video mad or what? Every other link emailed to us these days is Google Video or YouTube. Here's our pick of the stuff sent in this week. >> Muslim rave << Gah. We're not really down with Muslim bashing, it's all so nasty really. But we couldn't help but laugh at this odd little video. FYI: What actually seems to be going on is that the chubby little Shiite cleric is being overcome with emotion during the festival of Ashurah. http://snipurl.com/nemm >> Holiday idea << We've never been that bothered about being rich at B3ta Towers as we've got enough cash to muck about on the web and drink beer which is exactly what we want to do anyway, so what would we use money for anyway? This video shows what: shooting cars with machine guns and making them explode. We want to do this so much our pee-pees hurt. http://snipurl.com/nemn >> Elvis spotted in Morrisons << Morrisons is a downmarket UK supermarket, frequented by students and chavs. And, apparently, Elvis. Nice to know what he gets up to on his trips back to Earth from the mothership. We particularly like the 'just caught on a mobile phone - I've got to tell my friends' feel to this vid and the lovely - if brief - voiceover. http://snipurl.com/nemo >> Rolling Stones Rice Krispies advert << The Stones eh? Most famous for Keith Richards' heroic drug consumption and Sir Mick Jagger's er.. Sir-Mickness. Back in the early 60s they were recording jingles for Rice Krispies. This is true btw; we had to check it wasn't a wind-up. http://www.b3ta.com/links/2227 >> Welcome to Sligo << Meet Aine Chambers and her boundless enthusiasm to promote her home county of Sligo, Ireland. Charmingly bonkers, the more clips you watch, the funnier it gets. Always with the same dialogue, the same tossing of hair, and the increasingly skimpy outfits. This woman is a legend. Can she really be real? http://snipurl.com/nemr >> AIDS! << So it's a cheap joke, so we've run it before. It's still great that a 70s slimming drug shares an unfortunate name with everyone's favourite immunodeficiency syndrome. This clip is an American Aydes ad and the gag is as funny as ever. http://snipurl.com/nemt ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates. >> Funny menu << Keeping on the theme of Asian restaurants having 'Long Kok Now'-style names (possibly to keep the punters grinning "oh these stupid foreigners" whilst actually very successfully promoting an eatery), here's a particularly odd menu. Best line? "Salty egg king steams the vegetable sponge." http://www.rahoi.com/2006/03/may-i-take-your-order... >> Three tits << There's a phrase "happy as a dog with two cocks" and yet no one says, "happy as a lady with three tits." Here's why. NSFW etc. http://www.redlightarea.com/gallery/three_boobies.... >> Stink-free shit << You might like to think that your shit don't stink, but honey it does. But there's a solution: Whiff is a dietary supplement that turns your poo green, gives you stomach-ache and makes you fart like a pig. Hoax? Well the fun is in having a look and guessing for yourself. http://www.takeawhiff.com/What%20Happens.htm >> Odd-faced photos << Ever released air between vibrating lips in imitation of a snorting horse? This site is your friend. A fine collection of photos of people looking rather strange. http://www.blowersworld.com/index2.htm ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Airport Stories We wanted to know all the horrible things that had happened to you in airports: http://b3ta.com/questions/airportstories/ Here's three that made us giggle: >> Don't inhale << Last year in an act of desperation I took a contract job in Saudi Arabia. After hearing all sorts of rumours I was pretty worried especially with the security situation. The Marriott had concrete posts outside to protect against bombers, there were machine gun check points everywhere and a small square outside the hotel where they would behead people on a Friday. All in all I was pretty glad to get back to the airport. The taxi driver on the way back pointed out the power pylons that Al-Qaeda had blown up the week before. By now I was pretty nervous, and felt the need to relieve my poor bowels big time. After running to the toilet cubicle and giving the bowl a good splattering I noticed one of those bubbler pipe things that you see in Arab markets. Wow. These Saudis sure know how to relax and have just gone up in my cultural estimation. Relax, take a dump and a smoke. Heaven. I picked up the pipe, put it to my lips and with a contented sigh pressed the lever and took a good deep breath. Fucksox. I nearly choked and drowned as my lungs filled with the shitty water from some Arab's crap box. These fucking things are for washing your ass. I have never been back to the middle east since. (mong the merciless) >> Eight nights, man! << At JFK airport starting a week's honeymoon, the immigration chappy was one of the biggest guys I've ever seen. At least 6'8" and built like a brick outhouse - not in stereotypically American lardarse sense, but just 20 stone of bulging muscle. "Purpose of Visit?" "Holiday, well, honeymoon actually" "Congratulations Sir, but why New York?" "I like shoe shops" "OK, works for me. How long will you be staying?" "Seven days, but eight nights" (I was worried that I might be thrown out on the stroke of midnight on the last day, I get very nervous around authority) "AAAAAALLLLL RIIIIGHT!!! EIGHT NIGHTS MAN!!!" The rest of the lounge is then treated to the impressive sight of this colossus standing up and miming shagging someone bent over his desk, while also spanking her ass and whooping and hollering as if his life depended on it. I laughed so hard stuff came out of my nose. It took at least half a dozen attempts to take my picture with the little digicam thingy because I couldn't keep a straight face. (Throbbe) >> Das Blob << Coming back from the land of bureaucracy (or Germany as it says on the map), I had my bag searched at the airport. The impassive German security guard went through my stuff, finding nothing of interest until he comes across that potentially most dangerous of weapons, a tampon. He held it up, quizzically saying 'Wass is das?' 'It's a tampon', I replied (in English as my German goes as far as 'Bier, bitte'.) He obviously was unfamiliar with the word, so he asked again, more loudly and going slightly redder in the face. I did the traditional British thing of 'if they can't understand you, speak more slowly and loudly'. Nope, he just shouted a bit louder back. So I realised there was nothing for it but to mime. I took it off him, unwrapped it, showed him the little cardboard tube thingy, pointed out the absorbent inner core, then pointed at my downstairs lady bits. He looked, if possible, even more confused and angry. Thank god at that point a female guard came over, clocked what was happening, shrieked "KLAUS, NEIN!" and thrust my bag back at me, while dragging him off to presumably explain the fine points of women's hygiene products. I swear I thought I was going to have to actually shove the damn thing in to make my point that it wasn't loaded. (Rakky) >> This Week's Question << Tell us about the big school fight. We know you had one: http://b3ta.com/questions/fightfightfight/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Fluffy World Challenge Last week we wanted pictures of a world gone fluffy, where where even the most evil act would result in lovely, charming, innocent results. Our favourites included: * CARTOONS ARE FUN - proof that if we were all a little more tolerant, the World would be a much lovelier place. (MonkeySpoon) * THE SHINING - A remake of Kubrick's horror classic, with added ice-cream and a very nice snowman. (Sunshine Elephant) * SEAL CLUBBING - In which the annual cull is thwarted by an absence of sharp axes. (prodigy69) All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/fluffy/ >> New challenge: The Roman Internet << The Romans invented loads of stuff: the alphabet, concrete, even satire and pizza. But what if the web had been around? What would they have used it for? Show us the Roman Internet... http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/romans/ >> Your challenge ideas << We want your image challenge ideas. Then we want you to vote on the challenges suggested by other people. It's easy. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * NEWS OF THE WORLD - continues to rob b3ta pics. Every time we mention this in the newsletter we get emails going "sue them!", er.. we're too small, they're not our images, and we can't be arsed anyway. http://www.b3ta.com/board/5727143 * SHITTY TOMATOES #1 - robbyinnes writes - "whilst working as an asbestos surveyor I had the pleasure of visiting water treatment plants. I came across rather a lot of shit blessed with abundant tomato plant growth & juicy fruit. I had to taste, of course, and they were the sweetest fruits I've ever eaten born of human excrement." Ewwww! * SHITTY TOMS #2 - Scary Duck writes - "Thanks for the linky in this week's newsletter. Traffic through the roof, as you might imagine, and this week will be mostly spent crouching over holes in the garden with a camera. What have I done?" Ewwww x 2! * STRANGE LIBEL CORNER - Mrs Liveinbin smirks, "Just thought you might like to know that I was in the Jury when the 'I was raped by my Dad' (front cover of Love It magazine you linked) story went to trial. What the dirty little tart doesn't tell you is that she used to trade her dad sex and blow jobs to get extra pocket money or a lift into town!" Err... Don't send us hate mail - we just pass the messages on. * QUESTIONSWAP UPDATE - "Site is doing really well. At one point the questions were firing in at the rate of one a second. So, getting close to 200,000 pageviews a day, which is something I've always dreamed of. Currently conducting am interview via email with a journalist. That's never happened before. Quite flattering to answer questions about yourself!" ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Nice Tank Game So many web games spack out on the graphics so much that they run like a pig and there is no gameplay. Nice to see someone kicking it old school with some original vector flavours. The AI is a bit poxy on the early levels but it soon picks up into a fantastic game of Tank vs Tank action. Woos all round. http://www.turbotanks.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * YOUTUBE - to get some fucking investment and buy faster servers. Your service is creaking dudes. A word to the wise: if Google Video just sped up their upload approval process they'll win all your users. * WEARESHEEP.COM - can you get your mates to hold up a sign saying "we are sheep", take a few photos and get 1000s of people online joining in? We reckon you could, but then we would, wouldn't we? * RAPE SAUSAGE - dunno what that means and frankly it's very late and we haven't slept and maybe if we write it in the correct format then no-one will notice. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- : THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Links sent in by jeremy monkey, functionkey, bold rabbit and ivegotafatvaginayeahyeahyeah. Top Tippery by SKK. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Props to b4ta. (108023 - 33837) *** Answer to joke: Because his wife is dead. *** ------------------------------------------------- : TOP TIP: To stop potatoes from budding keep an apple in the bag with them. Conversely, if you would like to make apples go bad really quickly, store them in a bag with a potato. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive