we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "B3TA PEOPLE PROJECT SPECIAL. COUNT THEM! TEN! BLIMEY!" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * VID - Kurt Kobain in 10 seconds * RESTAURANT WATCH - rude names international * QUIZ - Papist or Rapist ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1 Nirvana, Rape, Weebl, Typos & shit >> Kurt Kobain in 10 seconds << Mushybees - who for our money is always at his best when being wildly offensive - has produced a short little video telling the story of the doomed singer from Nirvana. BTW: If he had lived he would be 40 this year. Kurt we mean, and not Mushybees, who like everyone on B3ta is a child prodigy and aged about eight. http://www.b3ta.com/links/1808 >> Papist or Rapist? << Continuing the tradition of your Ginger Fuhrer's either/or quizzes is Lord Manley of Ven who asks whether you can tell the difference between men of the cloth and kiddy fiddlers. We're glad he's hosting it and not us, and can deal with the legal issues of defamation himself... http://lordmanley.com/b3ta/papist-or-rapist/ >> Weebl and Bob visit PC World << Our international readers might not know about the joys of PC World. It's a computing superstore, the stuff is pretty cheap, but the staff are universally uninformed, spotty and unhelpful. It's a 'hell on earth' as Weebl quite literally points out. Best bit? Hissing death. http://www.weebls-stuff.com/wab/upgrade-pt2/ >> Biggest typo ever << Yes, we know the spelling on B3ta can be a little 'imaginative' at times, but we did enjoy this message from Ally_Baby, "I was out today around Old Street in London, when I espied a road painters hard at work. To my horror and glee, they had just written 'BUS SANE' on the road. Anyway, I went back to work to get my camera to snap such a delight for the B3ta faithful but..." the council had repaired their error, very badly indeed. Hah! http://www.thehob.co.uk/b3ta/bussane.jpg >> Can Scaryduck shit tomatoes? << Remember Scaryduck? He won the Guardian most sooper-dooper blogger compo a few years back, and regularly writes the some of the best stuff for our Question of the Week. The success has gone to his head and he's come up with a rather odd theory - can he eat tomatoes, shit out the pips and grow new tomatoes? We wait and watch with awe-stuck wonder. http://snipurl.com/shittytoms ------------------------------------------------- : AMNESTY VIDEO Sponsored link Amnesty have made a twisted shopping channel parody, but with a difference, they're selling AK47s instead of nose hair clippers. Maybe you think they're wasting your charitable donations by having poncey dinners with ad directors, but they do have an agenda: the ad is part of their campaign to sort out the arms trade. There's a number at the end of the film, please use it. Cheers. http://www.protectthehuman.com/teleshop ------------------------------------------------- : RESTAURANT WATCH Asian eateries with funny names * Golden Swallow - "The Chinese at the bottom of the road my parent's house is on. Classy." (c.easton) * Kum Hor - "In Camden (an hour outside Sydney)." (ndyson) * Phat Phuc - "a noodle restaurant in Chelsea." (breakfastwithjam) * Jizz - "in the mall below Town Hall in Sydney, a Japanese-owned boutique." (G Butterwedge) * My Dung Sandwich Shop - "this is a huge phenomenon in the States." http://snipurl.com/mygt ------------------------------------------------- : FILTHY MARKETING OF THE WEEK Tube station and crisps * GAY TUBES "Saw this today at Bow Road tube station", writes Mr. Tea, "They appear to be encouraging gaymo bumsexualism." http://img461.imageshack.us/img461/6183/leisure1qh... * COCK CRIPS "Found these in Morrisons", spurts Fantastical monkey, "How rude." http://www.fantasticalmonkey.co.uk/puffs.jpg ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2 Kelp, Hammers, Hens, Hands & Prince >> Veitch does Kelp << Joel is a strange lad, he gets obsessed with words and phrases, a few years back he visited Australia and on his return spent about two months mouthing the word "Kelp" to pretty much any question you could ask him. He's finally turned his obsession into song with his band 7 Seconds of Love. BTW: Are you a record company? Sort him out, he wants to put a single out. http://www.7secondsoflove.com/kelp/ >> Cat vs. Hammer << "My cat really hates hammers" informs Baron Greenback, "This might not be as funny as that video of the cat hitting the kid repeatedly on the head, but I think it's cute. Oh, To any videoshoppers out there, can you edit this and make my cat famous?" Heh. Liking this, it's not as violent as our title suggests and it is, indeed, rather cute. BTW: We just edited this guys quote to coin the phrase 'Videoshoppers' as we can't bring our selves to write 'mash-up' after seeing a 45 year old woman at some talk we went to saying, "I was watching my 2 year old nephew play with a keyboard, and I thought 'what law could prevent this child from making mash-ups'. Sheesh. http://snipurl.com/catvshammer >> Hen-cam << "Over a few pints a few months ago me and my mates decided that we could do a webcam watching some hens", writes Neil, "we've spent ages getting it to update quickly and smoothly, even running it 24hrs a day." Quirky web cams are a bit 1997, but in the spirit of nostalgia and the fact that we like chickens, we're linking this. Woo. http://www.hencam.co.uk >> Guess the hand? << Turdhead (quite why people give themselves such silly names on the interweb is beyond us - Ginger Fuhrer) writes - "Take the classic, mind-numbing, childhood game, 'Guess Which Hand?, 'and add a creepy old man from the bus station, and you've got a strangely addictive game of chance." Lovely execution. Yay. http://www.turdhead.com/guess-which-hand/ >> Prince Vs Kinks Vs Smokey << We're a little bored of the mash-ups at b3ta towers, it's so 2001. However CCC isn't and despite ourselves we rather enjoyed his new thing "featuring The Kinks, Prince & Smokey Robinson." Expertly done. http://www.b3ta.com/links/1954 ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Sacked We wanted to know what you've been sacked for doing. We've edited down the best to handy newslettery size, but do read them all: http://b3ta.com/questions/sacked/ >> Lloyds BSE << I worked for Lloyds TSB as a web admin monkey. This was around the time of the foot & mouth crisis in the UK, and, whilst bored, I changed their horse logo to a cow, and the name to Lloyds BSE on the screensaver graphic file I had access to. I didn't realise that, since I was updating the site, I had full access to the London network, and the core directories for all the city branches. The next morning, everyone's machines, including front line branch machines, was displaying my 'edited' version. I was given an *instant* dismissal. My bank account was cancelled and refunded to me, I was walked out of the building by security at 11am. I signed a form stating that I was legally not to enter a branch of Lloyds TSB again. As I left the building, not a single person smiled, they all looked at me like I'd just killed a puppy. Fucking humourless cunts. (Mildred) >> One click, no job << I once worked for Argos as a temp. My job was to key in data from emails into spreadsheets. I was fairly computer literate at the time so on my first day I wrote a script to automate the whole process. I was pretty proud of my one click system so after a week or two I showed my boss why my productivity was so good. Two days later I was told I was not to come in anymore. Shit. (Minty Hit) >> An apology for length << Many moons ago, I worked at a place that made liquid density and level sensors. The fateful project was for the fuel probes on an Arianne rocket. The cables on this thing were bloody long, so had to be ran down the warehouse, around the corner and into the metalwork shop. Little did I know that as I rolled out the cable, the sensor was following me. I cut the cables 8 metres too short. Now, this was all epoxy'd and cooked, so the cable could not be replaced.. delayed the launch for 6 weeks whilst a new one was made. Sacked for stopping a space rocket take off. Cool. (phazey) >> This Week's Question << We'd like your airport stories. Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/airportstories/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates. >> World's strangest buildings << A collection of peculiar architectural follies. Some of these are pretty obviously just built weirdly to fuck with peoples' heads. Oh you architects - those long winter evenings must simply fly past. http://www.2loop.com/strangebldg.html >> Killer pornalikes << We're not at liberty to divulge how this particular link came into our possession, but it's clearly a rare photo of 80s murderer Fred West during his gay porn fetish phase. http://snipurl.com/fredwestporn >> Australians eat Coon Cheese << Yes they do. The company will try to tell you it's a special patent cheese invented by Mister Coon. As if that would fool us for even a second. Take a look at the ad - they are clearly pushing a sinister racist agenda. http://www.dairyfarmers.com.au/internet/s02_produc... >> Robot shark << This may just be the ultimate gift for the special nerd in your life. A 2ft long radio controlled robot shark. A robot shark! The touch we particularly liked - the controller is waterproof so you can accompany your fishy buddy as he terrorises the local swimming pool. http://www.hammacher.com/publish/72824.asp# >> Sinister burbling video << Like a rather unpleasant drug experience while watching children’s' television. We were left blinking, bewildered and slightly soiled after watching this little video treat. http://www.magicbutter.com/content/peepee.html >> Booby bounce-o-meter << Finally, someone has started using Flash for the purpose God intended. Choose the size of breast you want to see, select the kind of activity you want them to indulge in. Watch them bounce! Praise the Lord. http://www.shockabsorber.co.uk/bounceometer/shock.... >> If Microsoft had made the iPod << Here's a quick recreation of what might have happened in the marketing meeting after Microsoft invented the iPod. Clearly the work of someone who's sat in far too many shite corporate design briefs, it's very sharply-observed. http://video.google.com/videoplay ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the 'World According To USA' Challenge Last week we wanted proof that Americans know little of the World beyond her borders. You provided. BTW: Please no more email from Yanks moaning about this challenge, we're just paying you back for the endless 'bad teeth' gags your comedians love to perform so much. Our favourites included: * A DAY IN THE LIFE - it's all about the tea, apparently. (Eddache) * BURGER WORLD - A sneak peak at a typical European sightseeing tour (bonus gluttony edition). (Darryn.R) * THE GALAXY - One of many map-themed entries, but probably the closest to reality. (Text_fish) All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/america/ >> New challenge: If The World Was Fluffy << Imagine a World where nothing bad could ever happen, where even the most evil act would result in lovely, charming, innocent results. We want to live there. And we want you to show us what it looks like... http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/fluffy/ >> Your challenge ideas << We want your image challenge ideas. Then we want you to vote on the challenges suggested by other people. It's easy. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * USE MY VOICE UPDATE - Jan.Bielecki writes, "Thank you so much for putting me in your newsletter! The response has been over whelming and I have done recordings for animations, commercials, phone messages, and a lass who wants me to record my voice saying sweet things about her so she can play it to her ex to make him jealous. It's been bloody fantastic." Woo, glad you're enjoying yourself. * TROMBONE WITH TWO SLIDERS - we asked for this last week mainly as an excuse to write the phrase 'milking a brass cow'. Watty writes- "Not a trombone with, but Bobby Shew , a jazz trumpeter had a two-belled trumpet." Heh, he must have been a hit with the ladies. http://www.trumpetstuff.com/images/Shew/ShewHorn.j... * B3TA GOT ME SACKED - theevilmojojojo writes "I was working as a lowly admin assistant for a crappy little company. They didn't give me nearly enough work to do, so and I got utterly addicted to the B3ta messageboard. Until one day I was unexpectedly dragged into the boss' office. The MD of the company slammed onto the desk a stack of paper about a foot tall. MD: This is a record of your internet usage - it's over 100 pages long! Me: Ooh crikey. Ha - whoops! MD: This is completely unacceptable! Look at these sites: 'multimap dot com', 'bee three tee aay dot com.' They booted me out of the door before I even had chance to defend myself." Let that be a warning to you kids, do not visit our website ever. It's evil we tell you, evil. ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * DOWNFALL DRINKING GAME - we caught the Hitler biopic on telly the other night and wondered if there's cheap and tawdry laughs in a drinking game? One sip for every time Hitler looks glum. One sip for every time you think, "blimey, playing Adolf as human instead of a monsters makes you think, doesn't it?" * SHOES FOR JORDAN - we notice that Katie Price is bringing out her own range of footwear. Considering the size of her tits we're surprised we she can see them. (BTW: This isn't really a thing we'd like to see, but we liked the joke and didn't know where else to put it.) * TURN THEM IN AND WIN - got quite excited the other day about making a TV game show where punters have to shop their neighbors for benefit fraud and tax evasion - with the chance to win prizes to the same value that they've saved the tax payer. * OH SOD IT - if we're doing half thought out TV ideas here's a few more. * PHONE 666 - TV company buys a phone number and sets up an alterative emergency service to the state run ones. The punters call and get free private medical care on the basis that the TV show gets the rights to show the car crashes / operations / bulgars on live TV. * GARYOKE - rent one of these private booth karaoke places in Soho and stick cameras in each room. Punters come in pissed and singing badly. Presenter sits in mixing gallery making nasty comments. Presented by Gary Barlow. Or someone else who's name makes a convenient rhyme. Actually Pete Burns would be good, if only his name rhymed with karaoke we'd be fucking billionaires. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Links sent in by clever monkeys. Top Tippery by Rob. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. B4ta is woo. (107941 - 33522) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: When naming your cat try use a word that ends in a 'ee' sound. Cats respond better to it. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive