we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "HAVE YOU EVER BEEN SACKED?" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * FOOD - All the Macaroni Cheeses. Tested * TOY - Question swap * QOTW - Have you ever been sacked? ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > All the Macaroni Cheeses << "I am starting to really hate Macaroni!" cries rescueranger, somewhat plaintively. "Since July last year I have been attempting to sample every kind of Macaroni Cheese available. I'm very much starting to regret it now." Read the reviews, so you can simply pick out the finest examples of cheesy goodness. http://blog.samradion.co.uk/ >> Question Swap << Inspired by last week's Sketch Swap, phantomboner has made Question Swap - ask any question you like, then answer someone else's. In short order you'll receive your own answer from a random stranger. We found it particularly useful for medical advice. http://www.questionswap.com/featured.asp >> "Use my voice" << Occasionally we get emails at B3ta Towers from people looking for work. Normally we throw them in the special email bin, but Jan Bieleckis voice was so lovely how can we ignore his offer of to do a free voice over of anything at all? Yep, that's right, whatever you want him to say, he'll say it in a rich baritone including, "wank-lines for grannies." And all for free. Try him. BTW: Hopefully Jan will get back in touch with us for next week and tell us about his oddest requests. Oh, and click the blog link half way down the page if you don't want to register. http://janbielecki.voice123.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Child Labour We wanted to know just what horrendously exploitative jobs you'd had as kids. We thought the paper rounds we'd done were bad, but then we read this little lot: http://b3ta.com/questions/childlabour/ Here's a few of our favourite stories: >> Dr Poolittle << Summer job at a vet's, aged 14. We were operating on a giant dog when a very large, very slow poo started to come out. The vet asked me to "catch it as it comes out." The sensation of gently supporting a steaming hot dog log (in hands protected only by membrane-thin see-through gloves) as it slowly oozes out of an unconscious Alsatian's anus is one that will go with me to the grave. He took at least twenty minutes from peeking tip to the slithery finish, FFS. (oranguturn) >> Tranny shoes << My first "job" while I was at school was working in Timpsons selling shoes in the early 80s. For some reason I was put in the ladies department and on the day I started I was told by the manager that we sold shoes to the TV market. Being only 15 and rather naive, I thought this was something to do with the branch of Currys up the road. Imagine my surprise being asked by a 6 foot "lady" with a five o'clock shadow for "black court shoes - size 10." Normally, fitting a shoe for a lady involved numerous furtive glances at their underwear (I was a hormonal teenager remember) but not this time - I was confronted by a pair of rather hairy legs surmounted by a pair of equally hairy bollocks as she lifted her leg onto the stool to be measured. (mikek01) >> Cold, dead pig tits << I had a succession of crap jobs as a kid mainly to fund my weed habit. Did the usual paper rounds, but in a dope induced year out I some how got a job at a local bacon factory. This place really was the seventh circle of hell. It reeked of death and shit and my job was to stand in line on a conveyor belt for 8 hours at a time wearing a white boiler suit holding a mechanised circular razor whilst sides of pork whizzed past. My role was to grab the mobile pork and shave off its nipples at a frantic pace which caused them to ping off in all directions often into my eyes and mouth - kind of like Pac-man but with cold dead pig tits. (MC2000ftjesus) >> This Week's Question << We'd like you to tell us about the times you've been sacked. Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/sacked/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates. >> Tricky quiz << When we were at school there was a quiz we used to play on each other, trick questions along the lines of, "An American jet crashed over the English Channel carrying Spanish passengers. Where did they bury the survivors?" Similar stuff here - enjoyable too. http://www.risingstarkaraoke.com/monday_test.html >> 50s feminine hygiene ad << Ladies - Not having sex as often as you used to do? Is he acting cold and distant? Perhaps it's because your cunt stinks. Harsh words indeed - but this is just paraphrasing advertising from the 1950s. http://thewvsr.com/lysol.htm >> Garfield "funny" shocker << To people who pass by the news pages and head straight for the comic strips, Garfield is a byword for 'bland and unfunny'. So we were very surprised at the improvement made by just erasing all of the cat's thought bubbles, leaving him a mute and uncomprehending observer of Jon's neuroses. Just like a real cat. http://snipurl.com/mntv >> Sponsored Tube network << There have been a lot of edited Tube maps doing the rounds this week, including the classic sweary one and an anagram version. This is the one that tickled us most, painfully strained punnage and all. http://www.digitalhome.plus.com/tube/sponsors.pdf ------------------------------------------------- : BANDWIDTH BUSTING VIDEO CORNER Avoid if you're on slow connections. >> Hamster wheel of death << Pete Burns once said, "You spin me right round, baby, right round" and perhaps he was thinking of this hamster - the silly, sharp witted tranny. He also described Traci Bingham's hair as looking "like Tina Turner's arse pubes" - no endearingly cute video to illustrate that one, though. http://www.flurl.com/uploaded/Ratrace_74924.html >> Japanese Hardcore Rave << It's Japanese game-show hell - our theory: this is the next generation of Robot Wars. Contestants take radio control of Japanese teenagers and making them flail around in spasmodic and aggressive fashion. http://www.b3ta.com/links/909 >> Nintendo Rap << It's odd, what goes through the mind of a forty-something ad executive when they have to get 'down with the kids'. Someone clearly thought this inept rap by a couple of stage school identikit geektards would win the hearts and minds of the 80s console crowd. Capped off by the inexplicable line "Your parents help you hook it up." http://snipurl.com/nintendorap ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2 Star Wars, Biscuit city & Ken Hom >> Star Wars Photoshopping Project << Manic has been polluting our beautiful messageboard with his one-man Star Wars bandwagon for about 5 years now. Here's where it plays off. He's stuck them all together and we're surprised just how much we like the result. http://www.bloggerheads.com/star_wars/special_edit... >> Biscuit City << Posho London department store Selfridges this week had a massive display of a city made entirely of biscuits. Nice Cup of Tea biscuit guru Wifey rushed down to The Smoke to cover the story - "to slow down the thousands of emails telling us about it." Here's her on-the-spot report. http://www.nicecupofteaandasitdown.com/theWife/bis... >> Ken Hom's a nonce << A while back, some Scottish radio station got in touch with Rob wanting to do an interview and "can you make a song to take the piss out of our producer, Ken Hom." Rob duly obliged. "Er, thanks, but we can't possibly play that," they spurted. Here is that song, as remixed by the beardy hand of Mystery Bob. So it's not about the chef Ken Hom, it's the radio producer. Who isn't a nonce either. Got that? http://www.b3ta.com/links/754 ------------------------------------------------- : FILTHY MARKETING CORNER Poorly-judged or brilliant marketing? This women's magazine went on sale this week. Is it us, or does the cover girl look entirely too cheerful about being raped by her dad? And the title above? Love It! http://www.b3ta.com/board/5676681 ALSO: Rosie writes - "In my small portion of Australia, there are some Asian restaurants with hilarious names. Is this a phenomenon further afield? We've got Kum Den (Chinese, Melbourne ), Gaylord (Indian, Melbourne); Fook Hing (Chinese, Brighton, Vic); Gold Stream (Brighton, Vic)." Good stuff, and we have to wonder if these people do it on purpose. ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the 'Offensive in 5K' Challenge Last week we wanted you to be as offensive as possible, but only using 5K of data or less. Our favourites included: * EXTREME VIOLENCE - An extremely bloody animation, and not for the faint-hearted. Like Tarantino on a two pound budget. (Butters) * A FENCE SIEVE - Ludicrously desperate pun, yet a welcome relief from all the other mindless bile and hatred. (bilbobarneybobs) * HITLER DOG SEX - Lo-Fi artistry at its very worst, in a revolting, childish paint-mash. Genius, in fact. (McPete) All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/offensivein5k/ >> APPEAL: Your challenge ideas << We want your image challenge ideas. Then we want you to vote on the challenges suggested by other people. It's easy. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/ >> New challenge: The World According To America << Americans are always being accused of knowing nothing about the World beyond their borders. But can this really be true? This week's challenge, suggested by Dooley, will provide the answers... http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/america/ ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Pets in plaster-casts Combining two of our favourite things - cute animals and cripples - sit back and enjoy this extensive gallery of pets who've suffered little mishaps http://youcantmakeitup.blogspot.com/2006/02/50-ani... ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * WINNER OR SINNER NOT IN SYDNEY - Okay, it turns out that he is. A couple of weeks ago we ran a pic of Oxford Street's famous, shouting preacher apparently in Sydney. Last week reader Rosalita informed us that we were wrong: He was actually in Melbourne. This week virtually our entire Australian readership chimed in to tell us that, yes, the photo is of Sydney and that Rosalita had made the schoolboy error of mistaking the Queen Victoria Building for Flinders Street Station. Bah. Thanks all for helping us out with that and sorry not to name names - it would make the newsletter about twice as long. * WINNER OR SINNER HUNT - B3ta roving reporter Kirk Rutter is looking to get in touch with Phil. Can you help him? http://winnerorsinner.blogspot.com/ * PROFANIWIKI RETURN - Paul writes, "after a few months offline we're back up on our wobbly hind legs again now. Please could you tell the people who were missing it that its back to its sweary best?" Not a problem. Consider them told. http://www.profaniwiki.com/ * BISCUIT CITY - earlier we mentioned Wifey's visit to the Gypsy Cream Vatican, and it's inspired transcending_reality to email us the missive,"I made a giant Bourbon Cream; you might like it." http://olivepixel.livejournal.com/58807.html * GOOGLE MAPS FUN - Neill writes - "a few years ago a farmer in North Wales who got really pissed off at the RAF flying practice low level sorties down the valley, so he painted in big letters on the roof of his barn, 'FUCK OFF BIGGLES'. This, of course attracted every RAF aircraft in the country down for a look." Ha. ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * EXPRESS YOURSELF VIDEO - cut together film of lactating women in time to Madonna's hit. Extra points for really squirty nipples. * TROMBONE WITH TWO SLIDERS - it would be like milking a brass cow. Kind of prog too. * TAMAGAYCHI - your tiny plastic gay friend that can sit in your purse saying stuff like "go girl", giving opinions on shoes and commiserating about your love life. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Links sent in by RussInLondon, prodigy69, LunaticInTheHall, the hedgehog can never be buggered at all, Admiral Dr3w P3acock Top Tippery by Laughing Boy's mate's Dad Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. March 20th is a very important day. Google it to find out why. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Respect to the b4ta baby boom. (107858 - 33620) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Never bite off the end of a cigar. This will tear the centre and the heat and oils will be focused down the filter, causing your Cuban to keep going out. Always cut it evenly with something sharp. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive