we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "DON'T CALL IT A COMEBACK. WE'VE BEEN HERE FOR YEARS. ROCKIN OUR PEERS AND PUTTIN SUCKAS IN FEAR." next issue » « previous issue This Week: * VIDEO - Arson Sam * GAME - Milk the giraffe * QUESTION - Has Google ruined your life? ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Arson Sam << Genius idea here. John1024 has taken the children’s TV show Fireman Sam and played it backwards so that Sam starts fires. He writes - "it's the Welsh Mafia in action in Pontypandy with Sam turning in to a right little arsonist." It's the subtitles that make it - we were crying with laughter. http://snipurl.com/arsonsam >> Milk the giraffe << Meanwhile, in another part of the world, Matazone has been labouring mightily and the fruits of his crafting is truly, in his words, "the best giraffe-milking game that you've ever played." Uncannily realistic. For all we know. http://www.matazone.co.uk/animpages/gm/giraffe-mil... >> Rathergood knees song << Joel has been writing songs again, this time claiming that cats have knees. When we all know they don't, they have elbows. Different execution than usual. Nice. http://www.rathergood.com/knees/ ------------------------------------------------- : 24 FEB IS WORK YOUR PROPER HOURS DAY Sponsored link It's about time. Join the resistance to the long-hours culture by taking a proper lunch break and leaving on time for a change on Friday 24th. To work out how much pay you're losing out on and for info, posters and puppies in peril visit: http://b3ta.workyourproperhoursday.com >> Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : 'SICK JOKE' BOOK UPDATE Thanks to everyone who's contributed to the sick joke project so far. There's been some fantastic entries and we're ecstatic with joy. We're keeping our promise of talking to publishers and we hope to be able to bring you news on that front soon. BTW: We've also been contacted by a TV documentary maker who's recently been commissioned to make a show in a similar area and he's asked us to be interviewed as an 'expert in sick humour' which is very flattering, and made us giggle that we could be considered an expert in anything other than picking our own noses. >> Help out << We're looking for your worst sick jokes and and illustrations. There's an overview of how to join in here: http://www.b3ta.com/features/sickjokebook/ ------------------------------------------------- : VALENTINE'S DAY * INCEST CARDS - "Hello B3ta", writes Andy, "I thought you might be interested to know that Clinton Cards are selling brother/sister Valentine's cards. Now I know that I live in the North but we aren't all like that." * POTATO OF LUUURVE - if you fancy something a bit less cliché than chocolates, you could do worse than this wondrous, potato-shaped like a love-heart. Admittedly, not much worse. http://snipurl.com/potatoofluuurve * STILL NUMBER 1 - for a Google search of 'I love you' is our ancient cheesy kitten thing about "you're better than ice-cream". Kinda feel guilty about it as we were taking the piss and still get emails from people going, "I sing that to my cat" or better, "I got the DJ to play that at my wedding." http://www2.b3ta.com/i-love-you/ ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Culty Cult Cults After a friend revealed that he'd been involved with the Moonies, we wondered how many of you lot had been culties? A lot of the stories are far too long to cut down for the newsletter, but follow the link and you'll find: * Soapy Norris showing how the most terrifying thing you can find at a cult meeting is an ex-member of Level 42 * Hoogie using a loud hailer to get some Mormons off his doorstep * Sir_spicious pretending to be voice of L. Ron Hubbard on an intercom at Scientology's UK HQ * Doofus listing his top ten best things about no longer being a Jehovah's Witness, although we reckon eating black pudding should be higher up the list than number six. * Mastic's Jedi obsessed mate, "Obi wan Del Monte" http://b3ta.com/questions/cults/ >> This Week's Question << Has Google's autocomplete ruined your life? Have you had a Gary Glitter moment in PC World? Talk to us here: http://www.b3ta.com/questions/googleruinedmylife/ ------------------------------------------------- : DADDY YOUR PENIS IS HURTING MY ANUS It's the single entendre 'funny names' corner Jeru writes - "This letter was from Lloyds TSB, when receiving my new PIN. I think they could pick a better person's name to put on the letters. I almost feel sorry for the woman." http://www.calabrese.f2s.com/unfortunate.jpg ------------------------------------------------- : GIVE IN TO YOUR VENGEFUL URGES Sponsored link Don't get mad, get Evil. Shock, Squirt, Sicken and Stink them out. Over 150 fiendish pranks to keep your victims wide eyed and nervous. http://snipurl.com/kmzf ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates. >> Can the internet buy me a house? << The internet is magic. It can turn a good idea into hard cash. Alex from the milliondollarhomepage did it, and also our friends like Joel and Jonti have earnt a few quid from spinning off their web creations into the advertising world. The latest player of the game is Kyle MacDonald who is attempting to swap a paperclip for something of more value, and then swap that, until he gets his own house. He's already managed to get a van, and we suspect once the marketing types hear about this and see the promotional value of going in on his game, and inevitable book deal and TV documentary, he'll be well on his way. Good luck Kyle - although he could do with a snappier redesign of his site. http://snipurl.com/papercliphouse >> Dave’s arty link corner << Newsletter co-writer Dave is a trained graphic design with a keen eye for the arts. Starting this week we're running his art appreciation class, he writes, "Mona Lisa is an OK painting, but Da Vinci would have been better advised to add dogs. Lots of dogs." http://www.mycraftshowroom.com/monatransfers.htm >> Fat people - naked << Leonard Nimoy - better known to you as the author of 'I am not Spock' and controversially 'I am Spock' knows what makes the world tick: voyeurism. He knows that you want to see nude fat ladies so you can point and laugh. The cynical chubby-chasing pointy-eared cunt. http://www.leonardnimoyphotography.com/7bodybot.ht... >> Cat internet eats itself << Sing with us, "The cats watch the kittens while the kittens watch the cats who watch the kittens go by." http://www.flurl.com/uploaded/Cat_watchings_Cats_6... >> Traffic scratching << "Nice bit of video here", writes Oodles, "If you could actually do this with traffic I might actually get a license." Warning: this is something that marketing types like to call a 'viral' but we're linking it as we quite like it. http://snipurl.com/m0u3 ------------------------------------------------- : FILTHY MARKETING OF THE WEEK and not that Engrish shite >> Spunky pizza << Tony Blews writes - "Sirs, regarding your FILTHY MARKETING OF THE WEEK. Our local Perfect Pizza is still using these boxes, about four years after everywhere else spotted the flaw." http://www.coobeastie.co.uk/bucket/spunky_pizza.jp... >> Rear-entry kittens << "Check out what I found in a kid's store in Hong Kong", exclaims Russ, "It's a shower cap, with a picture of some very sexy kittens!" http://b3ta.com/board/5615264 ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE No results this week, as we're still running the Sick Jokes challenge, but we do have a new contest to test your photo-meddling skills >> New challenge: Switching Movie Directors << Imagine a world where Quentin Tarantino directs Bambi, where Mel Brookes applies his magic touch to Apocalypse Now; a land in which movie directors are in charge of films entirely unsuited to their style. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/moviedirectors/ >> Your challenge ideas << We'd like you to suggest a challenge, and vote on the ideas suggested by others. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2 Anal sex song & Bouncy game >> Do you take it up the arse? << Every so often we get emails from a chap called Kirby from Canada asking us to look at his latest videos. We have no idea who he is, but he's very persistent. Yay for weird Canadians. http://www.goodiebag.tv/video/do_you_take_it.htm >> Minimalist bounce game << "Bounce is to Web-based games what potted meat is to cardigan sweaters," brags turdhead of his creation. Perhaps that's a rash claim, but it didn't stop us enjoying a good few minutes of colour-clicking action, once we'd figured it out. http://www.turdhead.com/cosmic-bounce ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * GEEK SONGS VID - A couple of weeks ago, we asked if any brave souls could make a video of Albert the Mildly Deranged's rewrite of the BeeGees' 'Tragedy' - so a slap on the back to Curis and his chums for this nerdy treat. http://www.youtube.com/w/ * GEEK SONGS AGAIN - More of the stupid songs you sing to yourself in your everyday routine. Emvee tells us that "when peering down the tunnel at Kentish Town station waiting for the train to arrive, I've been known to sing the ditty: 'Tubey dooby doo, where are you?' much to the embarrassment of my friends." * THE TESCO VALUE DIET - ShadowmanX took up our challenge of recent weeks to see if someone could survive consuming only food from the intimidating pikey Tesco Value range. He's a braver man than us, but deserves a stern ticking-off: Nice write-up, but it's missing photos of his horrible meals and the man himself looking sicker and sicker. http://tesco-value-me.livejournal.com/ * BRIAN PEPPERS: THE TRUTH - We've all been having a bit of a laugh about freaky-looking sex offender Brian Peppers. However, someone's taken the trouble to do a bit of research and here, it seems, is the real story. We hang our heads in shame. http://pepperstruth.ytmnd.com/ * JIMMY SAVILLE LOVES B3TA - Thanks PhilDup, who was watching a TV show with Jimmy Saville on last night. Apparently, the 70s superstar has a big printout of the 'Apocalypse Now Then' pic by b3ta's very own lovely Chobb. He really likes it: http://www.fatdrunkandstupid.com/chobb/b3ta_chobb_... * WINNER OR SINNER: WORLDWIDE - We've been getting reports that the 'Be A Winner Not A Sinner' preacher, memorably interviewed by Kirk Rutter in newsletter 157, has abandoned his usual Oxford Street roost and been spotted doing his thing on the streets of Sydney, Australia. Cheers to cocoloco for the pic. http://snipurl.com/mjlw * ROADKILL CUISINE - No sooner do we ask for it than it appears. Some bloke from Cornwall is writing a book of recipes using dead animals from the side of the motorway. http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,2-2017102,... * BOOK ABUSE - A couple of weeks ago we were winding one of readers up with tales of our childhood book-eating predilections. Well blow us, if it didn't start a positive flood of similar booky confessions. Among them: Sundae writes, "Thank flip this wasn't just me! I used to get into soooo much trouble for this. I can still recall the taste of a good Enid Blyton (aged, dusty and slightly smoked). Perhaps other readers have a favourite book flavour?" Julian confesses, "When I was 16 or so my friend and I got it in to our heads that we would smoke the whole Bible. We started off by using the Nativity for roaches, and would no doubt have done something similar with the fluffier bits of the New Testament, but stopped short when we realised that we had no way of offending the people we wanted to offend, since to do so we'd have to admit to being teenage pot addicts. We were vile idiot children. Plus the flimsy pages of the average Bible made shitty roaches. They always went wet and fell out..." ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * LONLEY VALENTINE SWAPSIES - disappointed that you didn't received a card this year? Sign up for a community based website where the more cards you agree to send, the more you get from random strangers. * HUMAN BLACK PUDDING - syringe a pint of blood from your arm and cook with oatmeal and onions. Actually there's a whole website here: 'The Self Cannibal', fry up your tonsils with some garlic butter, or turn your liposuction fat into suet. You'll win the Turner Prize, or get your own TV documentary, mark our words. * LIGHT SABRE SWALLOWING - geeky update on the old circus sideshow attraction. Should get the nerds excited anyway. Especially if you can turn out the lights and film an ethereal stomach glow. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Links sent in by Jamie Crick Top Tippery by Rob 'my fingers hurt' Manuel. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Wooyaying by the b4tas. (107460 - 32740) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Prevent your hands from chapping in this cold weather by keeping a small pot of moisturiser in your coat pocket. ------------------------------------------------- : BONUS 'MILLION DOLLAR HOMGEPAGE' INTEVIEW Alex credits B3ta newsletter for his success! We went to some web industry evening last week and some guy came up to us and said, "The Million Dollar Homepage bloke is looking for you lot. It's funny right, 'cause all the press are here and want to talk to him, but he wants to talk to B3ta." Obviously flattered we speak to him. Him: You're from b3ta? Us: Yeah. Him: It's like pretty big yeah? Us: Yeah. The biggest thing in the universe Him: Cheers for linking my site - it was a huge boost of traffic in the early days. Us: So we made you a millionaire? Him: Yeah. Maybe. Cheers for calling me a 'cunt for thinking up the idea'. Us: Not a problem. Him: So you make money from B3ta? Us: Well we sell a few ads on the newsletter. Him: Yeah. Worried that will alienate the readers? Us: Well we figure give people 90% what they want and you can shove in 10% of what YOU want and they won't mind. Although we obviously should just make it 100% ads. Like your site. That's where we're going wrong. Him: Ha. Absolutely. Us: So there's lots of people asking you what are you going to do next? Him: Yeah. I'm trying to think stuff up. Less novelty, more long term. Us: Novelty is good though. Him: I don't want to be a flash in the pan. I think there's a million ideas on the internet that'll make money. I'm just deciding which one to work on next. Us: So you've deferred university? Him: Yeah. I might go back. Us: So how did that go. Did you drive on campus in a Porsche and flick Vs at the Vice Chancellor? Him: Yeah. Tossed the deferment papers out the window. Us: Anyway. Which sites do you rate? Flickr? Him: It's ok. Not sure about the all the Web 2.0 sexiness stuff. Us: It's window dressing to get the geeks excited, Flickr works because it's simply the best way to share photos. Ok. Delicious? Him: Nah. Don't get it. Bit geeky. I like Digg though. Us: God yeah. Fantastic site. All the democratic voting instead of editors picks. Makes life so much easier. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive