we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "WHAT'S BLACK AND BLUE, AND DOESN'T LIKE SEX?" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * VID - Crappest DJ ever * EGGS - Making Thortons swear * CHALLENGE - If drugs were legal... ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Crap DJ skillz << Bad is the new good, that's what we're hearing. Black Moon has been trawling the DJ booths of the nation and was lucky enough to catch footage this fellow - the toast of UK clubland. http://www.markta.co.uk/wankr/vid/dj_wankr.mpg >> The Nig Nog Club << No really. "I found this yesterday while going through paperwork - my grandma's membership certificate for a club she joined in January 1930," reveals Druid. Before you recoil in dismay, you should know that it was a charitable organisation for children from, as they say, 'a more innocent age.' http://img461.imageshack.us/img461/8379/club3uf.jp... >> How to bullshit your essays << Come 4am the day before the hand-in date and it's time for WhiteDevil to pad his essay out as much as possible. He chucked in references to genital mutilation, Dungeons & Dragons and Homestar Runner in a frantic attempt to make the numbers up. And got a B. Look and learn. http://www.ericisgreat.com/notreading/index.html >> Swear on an egg << Dull job or slacking boss, GM and his work-mates spend their days devising ridiculous inter-office competitions. Here's the winner from their efforts to get a mainstream chocolatier to write the rudest possible thing on an Easter egg. Can you do better? http://i22.photobucket.com/albums/b335/mjbrennan/e... ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Urban Legends Last week we wanted to know about urban legends you've been directly involved in: http://b3ta.com/questions/urbanlegends/ >> Manhood Hoop-la << A girl at my old job once loudly asked, "why do bagels have holes in the middle of them?" I replied that bagels are so constructed because at Bar-mitzvahs the Jewish boy who is celebrating becoming a man has to lie down naked on the floor with an erect penis whilst the family take turns to toss "bagels" over the boy's manhood. Any bagels that land round the "prize pole" are then eaten to celebrate the boy's passing into manhood. Three days later, fuming, she explained that the previous night she'd been laughed out of the pub and harassed by a outraged Jewish couple after demonstrating her new knowledge. (Anarchy Duck) >> Beasts << One of the ways local newspapers beef up circulation in certain areas is to have sightings of 'beasts'. Black beasts, cat-like beasts, big-cats whatever they call them, they co-incidentally make an appearance in times and locations suffering low sales (ie. Jan/Feb in rural areas). You would be amazed how many people buy a paper when there may be a beast in their backyard. The reason I know this? I once had to 'enhance' a picture to 'highlight' one of these beasts whilst working on a local paper. To my shame, I have since seen this picture repeated in reputable journals as 'clear evidence' of urban big-cats. I am a bad bad man. (BadBadman) >> The Bomber in the Lake << A couple of years ago me and a couple of other local scuba divers were asked by a local historical aviation group to survey a lake for them. Local legend had it that in WW2 a Hudson bomber had crashed in the deepest part of the lake. We all turned up one Sunday morning with ropes, big torches, marker buoys and full dive kit. As we walked into the lake the water quickly came up to chest height. And stayed there. After an hour and a half of splashing around the deepest bit we could find was just over 2 metres. (dicky blighter) >> This Week's Question << We want to know the worst fancy dress costumes you've encountered, or been forced to wear. Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/fancydress/ ------------------------------------------------- : INTERACTIVE TOYS Probably quite good if you're stoned >> Falling sand toy << What can we say about an abstract toy? Er.. you make squiggly lines and it's relaxing. Will that do? http://chir.ag/stuff/sand/ >> Song tapper << We remember a music teacher at school whose special trick was to recognise tunes from people tapping our the rhythm of the words. Never occurred to us that this could be a web project. And yet here it is - tap out the words with your spacebar and the application recognises the tune. Marvellous. BTW: It recognised Happy Birthday, but had a little more trouble with Duran Duran's 'Rio'. http://www.songtapper.com/s/tappingmain.bin >> Zoom-able Earth << Using the ever-cool Google Maps satellite images, this lets you dive in from outer space to hover just above the houses. It gets low enough over B3ta Towers that you can see the trees. Quite freaky for us, what if they can see we have no TV licence? Your mileage may vary if you live out in the wild places that aren't so often spied on from space. http://www.flashearth.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : ANIMALS ARE WEIRD and these links proove it. >> Trance bunnies << Everyone knows you can stick a chicken into a hypnotic trance by tracing a line in the dirt in front of him. But did you know you can do similar with a bunny? Apparently the trick is to "flip them over on their back and pet their cheeks and nose area at the same." Our bunny owning readers might like to try this at home. http://www.mybunnies.com/trance.htm >> Cyclopes kitten << Speaking frankly, if you haven't seen this already, you probably don't want to - a little kitten who was born with just one eye and no nose. "I say, my kitten has no nose..." Er, no - obviously very sad but kind of cool-looking also. http://www.snopes.com/photos/animals/cyclopes.asp ------------------------------------------------- : PET OWNERS ARE WEIRD and these links proove it too. >> Steps. For dogs. << Is your dog too fat to climb on the furniture? Well, buy it a set of specially-made steps so it doesn't have to make too much of an effort. Our dog psychology sources tell us that you should never allow your canine chum on the furniture anyway. Apparently, it gives them an inflated sense of self-importance - "they think they're gigantic," we are informed. http://doggysteps.com/ >> Shaven pussy << Yes, of course, the obligatory headline for a picture of a cat with the fur on its body removed. Always comedy gold - partly as they always look like to us like irate midgets wearing particularly unconvincing cat costumes. http://snipurl.com/ljq4 ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates. >> Tall quiz << You stick in how tall you are and it shows you how you stack up next to celebrities and figures from history. We are still a bit shaken from discovering no-one at b3ta is taller than Janet Reno. Asides from Mike "Walking Colossus" trinder anyway. And he's taller than anyone. http://www.ringophone.com/TallOrNot.swf >> Nice ass << Epic animation telling the tale, essentially, of a bloke going on Google and finding a picture of a pert and attractive lady-bottom. Somehow, his awe and wonder carry you along with it. Also, features numerous nice pictures of said ass. The 'bonus DVD commentary' is a feature many web animations would do well to include. http://snipurl.com/niceass >> Guitar hero << Johann Pachelbel's Canon has a lot to answer for: it providing the chords to The Farm's 'All Together Now', The Village People's 'Go West' and even Weebl's 'Hats For Clowns.' Didn't stop us loving this kid sitting on his bed playing a speed guitar version. Prog is back. Huzzah! http://snipurl.com/progcanon >> George Galloway, get back to work! << UK readers should be sick to the back teeth of Celebrity Big Brother now, but to tell you the truth we've been enjoying it, and have even stuck a few quid on Pete Burns to win. Also featured is MP George Galloway, and, as this petition rightly points out, he should fuck off our screens and get back to Parliament. Actually, he's a complete cunt, so maybe he's better off where he is. http://beta.cergis.com/george/ >> Ancient Alcoholics Anonymous comic << Enjoyed this old-school Archie-style comic on the evils of alcohol. Frankly, we were gripped by the story of the young mum who turned to drink as her husband ignored her. Although, as the young lady looked quite sexy when drunk, it didn't make us want to stop with the boozes. http://www.ep.tc/aa-comics/index.htm >> Hoodie expose << A while back, Bluewater shopping centre in the UK famously banned young people from wearing hoody tops. A bloke calling himself 'nebbish' went out there to see if he could get himself into trouble. As a piece of investigative journalism its central flaw is that the guy is a mild-mannered 31 year-old on a shopping trip with his girlfriend and clearly not the menacing face of youth. But the write-up is rather engaging. http://www.hulver.com/scoop/story/2005/12/16/6938/... ------------------------------------------------- : GEEK OF THE WEEK Scanner music Our scanner sits lonely on a shelf, other than one abortive attempt to stick our cat on it, it hasn't seen much use recently. Its luck might change with the news that it can be used to play music. Apparently, running the motor at different speeds creates a tone. BTW: Aphex Twin - if you're reading this - got an idea for your new album. Oh and you'll be wanting to watch the video at the bottom of the page. http://www.ganjatron.net/misc/scanjet/scanjet.html ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Double the links. Twice the woo. * KITTEN - Oh for fuck's sake. It's b3ta, of course we're linking to a kitten. This week we've got a little cutie asleep behind the radiator. We hope it's not too hot for the young chap. http://www.tinlin.net/jim/email/kitten.jpg * WOLF - Oliver Barker writes - "Having spent this past summer doing wolf research in the Canadian hinterland, it was the least I could do to provide b3ta with a photo of one of the wolf pups I became acquainted with." Blimey. We're jealous of our readers sometimes, isn't 'wolf research' the best-sounding job ever? http://myweb.dal.ca/obarker/Paugh%20pup%20photo.ht... ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from '2006 Almanac' Challenge Last week we asked you to make some lovely predictions on what we can expect for 2006. Frankly the best entries ignored our challenge and just ran gags, claiming they were prophecy. Our favourites included: * DEAD ANIMAL ZOO - where the 'don't feed the animals' sign is taken literally. (Leningrad) * TRAIN PENIS - a lovely reworking of the film, Railway Children, with the kiddies gasping in wonder at a magenta cock. (drunkenoaf) * DEAD MAGGIE - possibly more wishful thinking than anything, but worth a £20 punt at the bookies we reckon. (Joe Scaramanga) All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/2006/ >> New challenge: Drugs << This week we're asking 'if drugs were legal, what products would manufacturers sell?' http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/drugproducts/ >> Your ideas here... << We'd like you to suggest a challenge that we should run by placing it on this page. Also please read other peoples challenge ideas and vote, and in two weeks the highest rated will happen like something that is happening. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * NO CHURCH JOKES - Last week we mentioned that there's no difference between The Bible and a cock as they're both shoved down your throat by priests. This wasn't liked by reader Anne Kissel, whose email signature tells us she's a 'Roseanne Barr Tribute Artist' and she tells us, "I'm not a religious fanatic, but that joke is DISGUSTING. Take me off your email list." To be honest we're only mentioning it as we find it a little surreal that we had a Roseanne impersonator as a reader anyway. * JAMES BLUNT, STILL A CUNT - a few weeks ago we featured Doghorse's reworking of the James Blunt song, 'You're Beautiful'. Doghorse writes, "The 'You're Gullible' animation appeared on Channel 4 News on Wednesday, and I've had a 'cease and desist' instruction from one of the copyright-holding companies for James Blunt's stuff." Boo hiss. We demand the legal right to mock twats who make shit music. * COULD PEGASUS HAVE FLOWN? - a rumbling inbox on this controversial issue. Devon Dan reckons old Mr Peggy could have flown as "horses are more than capable of running at 40mph" and produced this quite scary document to back up his claims. WARNING: Avoid if you found maths a bit dull at school. http://www.zodm.com/images/hRC6207.pdf * CROSS STITCH MAGAZINE - last week we mentioned this fine publication and an ex-member of staff got in touch to say, "I used to work for Cross Stitch Monthly, and I'm still haunted by the Cliff Richard pattern and the heated letters page spat over which exact shade of orange thread should be used for said god-botherer." Thanks for sharing! * NO MORE PUTFILE - we keep getting complaints from our Japanese and Korean readers saying that the site doesn't work in their countries due to their slightly odd objection to hanging as a means of exection. Anyway, so a little tip to our active contributors, please consider using google video or youtube instead. And continue supporting your country's traditional methods of execution. * EBAUM'S WORLD SPAT - remember the animation that pointed out Ebaum robbed all its content? Well another site has taken them to task and it's all got a bit nasty. Read on: http://www.ytmnd.com/news/ ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * OVER-COOKED BAKED BEANS - we've had this suggestion from our reader Barry Morgan, and its simple banality charmed us. "A lot of baked bean tins have the warning 'do not over-cook or this will impair the flavour'. Can one tell the difference between 'impaired' and 'regular' cooked beans?" * BRIAN BLESSED EMULATOR - all he does is shout, surely it can't be that hard. * FRECKLE ESTIMATOR - upload an inch-wide photo of ginger skin, and use clever maths to calculate how many freckles you have on your body. Might also work for moles. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Links sent in by Tom Jeffs, Captain Steptoe, Matthew Maxwell, David Morris, Dhughes (and the other 50 or so people with the one-eyed kitten), Donkey Dong, jessekillerkay, Mootothemax, imnotbarney, psybernoid and richard.lundie. Top Tippery by b3ta dad. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. * Answer to joke: The little boy in the boot of my car * Respect to b4ta. (106955 - 33170) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Finding it difficult to place a screw into an object? Stick a bit on Blu-tack on your screwdriver, it works a treat. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive