we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "WHAT CAN TURN A FRUIT INTO A VEGETABLE?" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * DODGY ITEM CORNER - Stuff we shouldn't link... * SUBTITLES - CCC turns his genius to France * COCK ROCK - Literally rock made with cock ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > French film subtitle gag << CCC is a b3ta newsletter legend. Among other things, he faked a superhero in Tonbridge Wells (and got it in the news) and invented a fictional son with the equally fictional 'wolfboy syndrome'. This week he has been busy with the trailer to a feelgood French flick and, with his magical subtitle stick, changed the meaning completely. The result? Excellence - a film about an irascible old Frenchman and the daughter he hates. http://media.putfile.com/papillon_0001 >> Penis cane << A few weeks ago we requested someone make seaside rock with little knobs running all the way through it. Don't know why. Probably drunk. Anyway, Xxmiskatonicxx has obliged our whimsy with these lovely, and surprisingly recognisable, quality items. Almost look good enough to eat. Although perhaps, on reflection, you shouldn't. http://www.livejournal.com/community/craftgrrl/740... >> Cartoon Blur portrait tutorial << Like the cover of Blur's best of album? Stuck for something to do and fancy a bit of a bash in Photoshop? Itchy Squirrel has come up with a tutorial to show you how to turn any photo into one of those snazzy Julian Opie-style cartoon faces. Might make a good (ie. free) Christmas present for a loved one. http://www.family-portrait-artists.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates. >> Hot geek ladies << Here's a tip for the ladies who wish to date geeky men: pose with some network boxes and the boys will come flocking. Actually, scrub that, the geeky boys will walk over broken glass if you simply show a slighest bit of interest. Actually, scrub that, this is just an excuse to show some pictures of pretty ladies to our male readers. (And some hot fashion tips for the ladies! Scrub that. etc etc.) http://www.hwpr0n.se/ >> Faith the limbless Christmas Dog << Longer-term readers will remember Faith, the dog with no front legs, we featured many moons ago. You'll be pleased to know she's back and all dressed up for Christmas. Last time we described her as looking like a velocoraptor. This time we'll just say, "ahhh. isn't she brave with her angel wings and no front legs. so brave." http://snipurl.com/gottahavefaith >> Naked dead art << Pet theory time: let's say you'd taken up serial killing as writing about web bollocks didn't give you the same orgasmic high that it once did (for example, not us, no sire), and let's say you'd started blogging photos of your quarry, splitting them like deer in a hunters' lodge, would anyone even notice? There's so much freaky shit on the web, surely visitors would assume the photos of dismembered corpses were just some crappy art project? Pretty exciting build-up huh? That it doesn't quite match the links content of a bloke photoshopping himself into a series of slightly rubbish, but disturbingly dead poses, is something we'll hope you won't notice with our cunning writerly slight-of-hand. http://aspectaculardeath.blogspot.com/ >> Company songs vol. 8 << Cast your minds back, newsletter readers, to times of yore when people emailed round MP3s of corporate company songs and were thus entertained by such balderdash and piffle. Oh those times are on us again and er... Right it's time to laugh at some Germans, who are probably already laughing at themselves anyway. BTW: The 2004 song is our favourite, remaking Abba's Super Trooper with some surprisingly ambitious harmonies. Altogether now, "it's the perfect place for a trade fair..." http://www.messe-duesseldorf.de/drupa/en/sp_song_2... ------------------------------------------------- : SPONSORED LINK Get respect. Shock your granny! Look like a tattooed hard man in moments with new pull on tattoo sleeves from SillyJokes. They look great! The perfect gift. http://snipurl.com/tattooyou ------------------------------------------------- : SIGNS OF THE APOCOLYPSE Helping Satan work in the market-place >> Cock knives << Serial killers! Sick of stabbing young ladies in impotent rage and frustrated you can only ejaculate on the point of violence where she dies beneath your blade? Stab them in style with this ball-hilted knife, and they'll never mock your performance again. Oh for fuck's sake. Who in this day and age can these knives be possibly aimed at except psychos and teenage boys with subscriptions to "Guns and Ammo" magazine? http://www.interknife.co.uk/shopping/bollockdagger... >> USB Slippers << We have a theory that if you add the word USB to anything then it will immediately become one of these magic links that people email round and every blogtard links to. Let's look around the room and see what we can improvise into a new product. USB Air-freshener: keep your PC fresh with the deliciously clean, crisp scent of juicy apples; USB Cigarette Lighter: never be without a light again; USB Bongos: actually this isn't a joke, we really want some USB bongos to make bong-bong noises whilst we nerd-out. Anyway, you want a point to this blurb? Right, check these Japanese USB slippers. We imagine they warm your feet and make them toasty, but as we don't read Japanese, it might be a control for some "old lady simulator" computer game. Or a way of backing up your photos into your toenails. And that's the fun. Spend five minutes thinking about exactly what you'd like USB slippers to really do. And maybe, if you wish really hard, all your dreams will come true. http://www.thanko.jp/usbslippers/index.html >> Fist dildo << Ok, it's not too extraordinary that you can buy a fist-shaped dildo on the interwebs, but it's the context that amused us. We simply didn't expect to see such filth on the family shopping site, Amazon. Also the reviews are amusingly toungue-in-cheek, "I enjoy being punched in the vagina by normal people-hands, but this fist of fury trumps them all!" or "Some synthetic hair on the arm would have been nice, as well. Something Robin Williams-ish." or even the slightly sad "I would not recommend it for stroke victims or the elderly." Click here for your cheap laughs. http://snipurl.com/kmvr ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SMIDEOS Fuck the bandwidth, Mum's on Broadband >> Emo song<< The official b3ta wife came home from the office the other day and said, "there's this work experience girl in. She's about 15 and has been telling me about Emos. Apparently they're just rubbish goths and all the girls at school think they're pathetic." Watching this video, we can see what she means. However, very secretly we think if we were still 15 maybe we'd be a bit Emo too. http://www.zippyvideos.com/3551143681244776/finish... >> "Mah Na Mah Na (do do do do do) << Oh come on. If the Emo song has left you feeling a bit wappy, then put on a party with this nostalgic hit from The Muppets. Possibly the most joyous bit of music ever created. BTW: We've just looked up the song on wikipedia and they've given us a little fact that we'd love to see a video of, "Lily Savage, aka Paul O'Grady, used to close her cabaret act at London's Vauxhall Tavern in the late 1980s with a deadpan rendition of 'Mah Na Mah Na', accompanied by sidekick Skippy the Fox." http://www.devilducky.com/media/7452/ >> Smart Cars << Right we have two smartcar stories and we'll do them quick. 1: An old work-mate of ours bought a smart car and gave us a lift one night. We pulled into a petrol station and a burly bloke knocked on the window, "Your back window is cracked" "Nope" we replied turning round to check, "Soon will be you bunch of queers driving a poof's car like that." On later relating this story to a kindly old uncle at a wedding he got the wrong end of the stick and got the idea that driving a Smart Car is a secret code for being homosexual, like the hankie code in the 1970s, with softop meaning bottom, hardtop obviusly the Mr in the relationship and driving on the left-hand side meaning "continental breakfast." Actually we're completely making this up, so watch some vids of what happens when one of these tiny boxes hits concrete instead. http://video.google.com/videoplay ------------------------------------------------- : SPONSORED LINK Pup Where We Belong Will working like a dog tear a family apart in this year’s Christmas blockbuster? Critics are saying: "the best (fake) movie of the year", and "not a dry nose in the house". Produced and directed by Eclectech with an original score by Doghorse. http://worksmart.org.uk/pup ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Things that make you go ahh, ahh, ahh... >> Wombats << Holy smokes! We're not entirely sure what this laid-back fellow actually is - although we're reliably informed he's a wombat. http://www.nctexasbirds.com/australia/year2/P32200... >> Spiders << We don't like spiders and we're not ashamed to admit it. If only they all looked as cute as this wide-eyed little fellow. Perhaps not quite as big. http://www.flickr.com/photo_zoom.gne ------------------------------------------------- : DODGY ITEM CORNER Stuff we like but are a bit scared to link to >> Wigs for kids << Oh fucking hell. This is an impossible write-up, we're going to be pilloried for a "b3ta sinks to new low and laughs at kids with cancer" thing. But that's not why we're linking. No sir, firstly we're weirded out by the premise: "donate your hair to make wigs for kids who've lost theirs." Yes. Donate your hair. And secondly you might notice, they've named these children "LOL Kids" as in Locks Of Love rather than the popular internet acronym "Laugh Out Loud." Anyway, we wish these kids a lot of luck and hope that many of our more hirsute readers donate some hairs for their brave little baldy heads. http://www.locksoflove.org/gallery_recipients.php >> Brownies << Ok, just like the wiggy cancer kids, we're now linking to an item that our haters will say, "new low for b3ta. they're peddling rascism." But we say, who's the real racist? The art director who approves a book cover for junior girl-guides with a young black girl on the cover wearing a t-shirt saying "Brownie", or us for pointing it out? Oh, don't hate us, black people, we're down with the homies, we've dancing to MC Hammer as we write this. http://images-eu.amazon.com/images/P/0852602227.02... ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK On the stage Last week we asked for your experiences on the stage. We've collected three good ones here, but do follow the link and read Humpty Dumpty's epic trombone experience - it's awesome: http://b3ta.com/questions/onthestage/ >> Dib dib blob << I was 11 years old and one of Baden Powell's finest female recruits. I was starring in The Gang Show... I had my very first period on stage in front of 500 people whilst singing 'Bare Necessities' from the Jungle Book dressed as a cave girl. My therapy bill is astronomical. (Rakky) >> Magic show << When I was eight, I was dragged out of the audience at some bloody awful variety show at our village hall to help the magic act. I had to help hold up a curtain while the Great Wazoo's old and wrinkled assistant, Brenda, escaped from a box she had been padlocked inside. Well, fuck me stupid, if the old cow was only escaping out of a flap in the side. Nobody would listen to my protests at the extreme lack of actual magic going on, so I took it into my own hands to reveal the fraud going on in front of my very eyes. I let go of the curtain, to reveal a surprised looking pensioner in a leotard trying to crawl to safety. I remember the Great Wazoo's words as if they were yesterday: "Brenda! Get back in that fuckin' box!" Then: "You little bastard." I fled. My stage career was over." (Scaryduck) >> Health and Safety First << My sister was in a local youth theatre group and one performance of "Agamemnon" sticks in my mind... The director was a pretentious luvvie, with no time for any of their opinions or ideas. So when he announced that the entire cast would be hanging off a scafold tower for part of the play, no one dared mention that it would only support a maximum of 8 people. All went well in rehearsals but on the morning of the opening night, the tower fell backwards complete with the now screaming actors and crashed to the ground. Those on the lower levels (including my sister) were relatively unharmed, but about half the cast had to be rushed to hospital with broken bones, concussion and serious head injuries. Rather than cancel, refund the money to those with tickets or even phone the parents of those who were now in casualty, he did what any hard labouring director would have done and pressed on with the performance, with about half of the remaining cast. It made no sense, as many scenes had to be cut due to lack of conscious people, but the best bit was at the end where one of the actors had a solo speech. She walked towards the front of the stage, made to start her speech, threw up into the audience, passed out and was promptly rushed off to hospital to get her head looked at. I was the only person clapping at the end. (feminist sweepstakes) >> This Week's Question << We'd like to hear about your worst (or best) birthdays. Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/birthdays/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the "Oh No!" moments Challenge Each week we run a competition to test your creative skills. We set a challenge and you open Photoshop and mess with our heads. Last week we wanted you to show us great "Oh No!" moments from history. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/historyohno/ We asked b3ta boarder Mr Horrible to judge the entries, which he did, but he didn't give us any words as to why he liked them so instead we're going write about three least favourite letters of the alphabet. Mr Horrible selected - #1 CAPSLOCK - wE oNLY pRESS tHIS bY aCCIDENT. It's the work of satan and should be banished to a lower dimension. (Chernobyl - Mr T) http://www.b3ta.com/board/5403565 #2 INSERT KEY - Another key we press by accident, and then type over half the paragraph we've just written. Poo-ey sick. (Franz Ferdinand - Rico) http://www.b3ta.com/board/5389255 #3 ¬`¦ - Whatever the fuck that key is to the left of the 1 key. We don't know what it does and we're suspicious of it. (Creation - Strawberry Dragon) http://www.b3ta.com/board/5384831 Right! And let that me a lesson to you Mr Horrible. If you don't do the write-ups we'll do them for you and they'll be rubbish. >> This Week's Challenge << This week, b3ta contributor harryfreeze gave us the suggestion, "What we don't want for Christmas" http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/worstchristmas/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * EARWAX CANDLES - THE TRUTH. In issue 207 we allowed CaroWallis to claim that they work. It seems we may have been wrong: >> Don't believe CaroWallis' waxy-eared endorsement. Earwax candles are a rather simplistic trick designed to prey upon the guillible and stupid. Here's the scam: the paper itself is coated with wax. One lights the end of it, and as the paper burns, the yellow wax drips down into the candle, looking very much like earwax to the less logically-inclined. (etruatcaelum) >> Ear candling is hogwash and your correspondent CaroWallis must be simple. The wax visible in an ear candle after burning is generated by the candle itself. These New Age auropyric gimcracks are only for the clinically thick. (Elba Goodey) >> Surely, if such magical suction could be obtained from a candle, someone would have invented blowjob candles by now? (wingnutkj) >> They are utter crap. And more likely to give you a burn rather than clear any wax. I say this in my professional capacity - I am and Ear, Nose and Throat surgeon. Warmed olive oil drops work far better. Or, if you want to be really clever, 5% Sodium Bicarbonate solution, which is better than any of the crap they sell in Boots. (Mr Stephen O'Hanlon MBBChir(cantab) MRCS DOHNS, Clinical research in ENT surgery, Imperial College, London) >> Me and a few mates were convinced to try it by some hippie girl. I was so determined to prove her wrong that I ate the wax from everyone else's candle. Everyone I know knows what ear wax tastes like, and if you say you don't you're a liar. This stuff did not taste like ear wax. (Danimal) Further reading here: http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a5_098.html * MONKEY Vs APES CONTINUES as if anyone cares. We are instructed that "If one disregards New World monkeys (such as tarsiers) from the equation, the best way to tell the difference between monkeys and apes is to look at the number of cusps in their molars. Apes (including humans) have 5 cusps, whereas monkeys have 4." Warning: Bitey, scratchy beasts may object to poking about in their mouths. * HOW DO YOU GET A GRANNY TO SHOUT 'C*NT? is what we asked at the start of last week's newsletter. emmakane wrote to tell us that "My nan, aged 82, is prone to shouting, 'You're going too fast you cunt!" if she happens to be in a car and the driver dares to go over 20 mph. Just thought I'd share." Thanks, Emma. ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * VIBRATOR HOVER-BOARD - someone sent a link in earlier for a Bluetooth vibrator, i.e. you send a text message to this egg thing and, assuming it's been desposited up your wife's mimsy, then she'll get an exciting buzz. But but but! It costs £200, which is fucking fortune, and by our reckoning would buy 50 x £3.99 cheapo vibrators, which you could nail to a plank of wood and attempt to air-surf like Marty McFly in Back to the Future II. Oh go on. Can someone please do this? It would look funny. * SIR CLIVE SINCLAIR RAP - noticed this eBay auction where a rapper was offering his services to make a track dissing your mates. Sadly, the auction has run out now, but sniff around eBay and find something similar and ask them to create a rap attack from Sir Clive on Sir Alan Sugar. Key phrases should be "48k, AK 47", there's probably some way of shoe-horning "colour clash" into something about race wars. The whole thing should break down into a version of William Blake's Jerusalem, "And did those feet in ancient time, walk upon England's mountains green?" Because, Sir Alan, Clive is going to get messianic on your 8-bit ass. http://snipurl.com/rappywoo * CONTACT AD PHOTOSHOPPING - stick your boss's head on a sexeee body in a contact magazine. Film his reaction on being shown. Or go and meet all the people who contact him/her whilst wearing a photocopy of their head over your own face. Have sex with them. Keep quiet about it. It can be our secret. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Links sent in by oh fuck it's 2pm, we'll stick them in next week we promise. Top Tippery by google. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Proofing by the hangin' b4ta homekeys. Answer to question: AIDS. (106257 - 31055) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Buy two pairs of shoes if you discover a model that is working well for you. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive