we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "HOW DO YOU GET A GRANNY TO SHOUT 'C*NT!'?" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * WEEBL - singing AHA * JAMES BLUNT - hmmm, what rhymes with that? * EASTENDERS - Steve McFadden naked at last ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Weebl sings Aha << Enjoyable bit of fluff from Jonti here. His creations Weebl on Bob take on the classic Aha song "Take on me" complete with a small tribute to the pencil-drawn style of the original video. Although we're left wondering exactly where Weebls special places are, he's shaped like an egg for fucks sake. Answers on a postcard to... http://www.weebls-stuff.com/wab/paper/ >> Mr Sheep lights his own farts << Not shying away from the obvious in this weeks newsletter, here we bring you board-favourite Mr Sheep and a video where he ignites his own methane. Ok, we suspect that there might be a little video trickery at play here, but still, it brings a joy to our black hearts. BTW: respect to the Sheepster for performing whilst wearing an official B3ta t-shirt. Remember kids. We like people wearing this stuff, it's lovely lovely free marketing for us. And surely our sales are going to go stratospheric with this vid. http://snipurl.com/lightingfarts >> James Blunt must die << Round our way, James Blunt has become synonymous with "cunt" cockney rhyming-slang stylee. We're pleased to see that Eclectech and Doghorse have similar views and have versed them in this song and animation. A particular nice touch is the interactive element - you can throw tomatoes at Blunt. Lovely idea, although if it had been our project, we'd have whacked him with a plank of wood. (With rusty a nail in it.) http://eclectech.co.uk/gullible.php ------------------------------------------------- : SPONSORED LINK Flirty mobile chat "Cut out all that polite chat and talk downright dirty to people while your boss thinks you're finally learning to enjoy your work. Text 'flirty' to 89893 or visit http://www.flirtomatic.com/vip ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Moments of shame Last week we asked for your most shameful moments. There's lots of very long, involved and frankly horrendous stories to read. http://b3ta.com/questions/shame/ Here's three of the shorter ones: >> Don't do drugs. They are embarrassing << "On the piss in Newcastle, we decide to jump in a cab and head down to the coast to a nightclub. We'd had a couple of spliffs while waiting and were feeling well mellow. So, the cab is speeding down the motorway about 90 miles an hour, radio is bellowing out tunes when all of a sudden one of my mates in the front seat yells: "STOP!!! STOP THE CAR!! NOW! PULL OVER!! STOPPPPPPP!!!!" The taxi-driver, thinking something dreadful has happened, swerves the car across three lanes of traffic and screeches to a halt on the shoulder. Mate jumps out onto the side of the road and starts dancing. "I fucking LOVE this record," he croons. I curled up into a ball and wanted to die..." (Legless) >> Luminous Horse Graffiti << "I once spray canned the words "I AM A CUNT HORSE" in massive letters on the side of a horse in luminous green paint. Obviously I was very drunk. I nearly had a seizure two days later when I saw said horse in the same field being scrubbed by a geezer as I flew past on the Blackpool - London train." (hoogie) >> Paul's sister ROCKS << "I wish I hadn't remembered this. When I was 15-16 my friend's dad used to organise classical music dinner/concerts. Paul and I were charged with videoing the concert but decided that classical music sounds much better when stoned out of your mind so we decided to indulge. All the audio from the concert was going straight into the audio input of the camera, but in my state I accidentally left the camera mic on as well. The next morning, sat round his folk's house, in the middle of a quiet piano piece there comes my unmistakable voice saying, "Christ, Paul, I really want to fuck your sister hard." I ran, I ran as fast as my legs would carry me." (Akuru) >> This Week's Question << We'd like your stories of the stage. Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/onthestage/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates. >> Blake 7 fantasy art << We once bigged-up Blake 7, after watching series 1 on DVD. Fantastic stuff. But a word to the wise: don't bother with the later episodes, the whole show falls apart until it becomes the campy ridiculous nonsense that sadly is the shows current reputation. A reputation which that will only grow on seeing this preposterous collection of homo-erotic fan-art. Particular props to the illustration of Blake befriending a unicorn captioned "It Followed Me Home", so that's how he explained the horsey pre-op to the missus... http://www.blakes7-guide.com/fantasy/blake_misc.ht... >> Cadbury's call Elton John "Fudge packer" shock << "I was recently munching some Cadbury's Heroes and looking at the box.", informs Thos, "Each of the chocolate treats is drawn as a different character: The Twirl is twirling a hula hoop. The Whole Nut is a mad hatter. Then I got to the Finger of Fudge. It's got huge sparkly 1970's glasses. It's Elton John. I repeat. The Finger of Fudge is Elton John. The Brummies at Cadbury World thought the anthropomorphised embodiment of a Finger of Fudge was best represented by Sir Elton of John." Blimey. He's right you know. (Although minus points for emailing us using the acronyms OMG and WTF. Dude. That's too lame.) http://www.jetlabs.com/images/heroes.jpg >> MP3 Doorbell << This bunch of geekoids have stumbled onto a great and extremely commercial idea: they've made a doorbell that can play audio samples. Sadly it's an almighty hack that requires playing the audio into the bell via a PC, but if some enterprising manufacturer could pick up the ball and make one that played MP3s directly off camera memory-cards, sites like Thinkgeek would have a product that would sell like big gay hot cakes. http://iain.cx/articles/doorbell/ >> Ross Kemp & Steve Mcfadden: twits << U.S readers won't be familiar with UK actors Ross and Steve, so here's a quick primer. Both found fame in popular TV soap Eastenders playing hard-men brothers, taking cues from the then recent gangster flick The Krays they are probably even ultimately responsible for Madonna marrying Guy "Public school twerp" Ritchie. Since then their careers have varied; McFadden is now more notorious for his ex-wife’s lurid tales of his dogging obsession, "he forced me to have sex with strangers in a car park" whilst Kemp went on to be lady-slapped by his wife and editor of The Sun newspaper Rebekah Wade. Both are now back in the sadly declining soap, which has been reduced to the shameful policy of re-introducing past-classic characters to try and beat a ratings slump, instead of solving the real problem: lack of editorial strong direction and weak writing. Anyway, still with us? We prefer to remember them this way, naked and dancing to disco-hit, Kung Fu Fighting. http://snipurl.com/ke7e >> Myspace stupid haircuts << Myspace has bitten us on the arse in a big way. Frankly, we hadn't heard of them until a few months ago and then suddenly we were being sent Myspace songs, sitting in random meetings with people banging on about it and even being invited to join by American teenage fans of the b3ta site. Incase it's still dark in your cubbyhole: Myspace is a social site where people stick up music, blogs and photos of their life. Particularly addictive for teenagers, they use it to demonstrate their popularity to their peer group by collecting "friends" and compete to have more popular pages than each other. Science bit over, here's the fun bit: some of them also have stupid hair. Heh. http://snipurl.com/jujj >> Loopy book censorship? << Children’s books written in the past aren't always appropriate for kids today. Case in point being a certain notorious Enid Blyton story that featured a gollywog called N-word. Although apparently written with no racist intent, it's would be clearly irresponsible to give such a book to a child of today. And so we come to the works of Richard Scary, and this interesting comparison on how his illustrations have been changed for the modern market-place. Frankly it's a prime candidate for a Daily Mail "political correctness gone mad" opinion piece. Quite why they think that images of mothers pushing kids in prams are wrong, and should be replaced by dads pushing prams is anyone’s guess. But we all know what The Mail would say, altogether now, "it's political correctness gone mad!" http://snipurl.com/dailymailstorysubs >> Fire + Pubes = Ow << Ok, we're going to do this linky quickly. It's a video of a naked balding man who sets fire to pubic hair and then cries like a girl. What more could you want? http://freeweb.siol.net/gdezman/burnbabyburn.wmv >> JCB video << We've linked to the lovely video of the JCB song before, but we've just been sent a begging letter asking us to link it again to help the push for it being a Christmas Number 1. And er.. we watched it again and suddenly started to well-up. And that's exactly the emotional punch a song needs to get non-teens buying singles at Christmas. A HIT we thinks. http://www.jcbsong.co.uk/ ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Baby foxes Enjoying this charming picture of two baby brother foxes. Actually, with black-and-white fur they look more like a collie-dog than a fox and that's just what makes us want to yiff them more. http://snipurl.com/d8zh ------------------------------------------------- : SPONSOR B3TA Want this space? Then talk to us. Are you an agency? Are you looking to launch your website on B3ta? Don't sit there reading all the profiles on the messageboard and then spam all the nice people, just have a chat with us. It's really much easier than sneaky nonsense. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Anthropomorphisation Challenge Each week we run a competition to test your creative skills. We set a challenge and you open Photoshop and mess with our heads. Last week we wanted you to turn static objects into living beings. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/anthropomorphisation... We asked b3ta boarder HairyCanary von Otter to judge the entries - here are her 3 faves. HairyCanary writes - #1 Dumped - Poor little thing. Who hasn’t felt like that? Simple and eloquent. (SarahBear) http://www.b3ta.com/board/5367345 #2 Run Scruffy Run - love the clever use of found objects. Predictable extra points for use of cat. (slim on the slug) http://www.b3ta.com/board/5359179 #3 Time for bed - Yet for silly pinnate! (noodle monkey) http://www.b3ta.com/board/5359692 Special mention to pdjpdj for their light switch series. So simple and such sweet little personalities. I would never have seen a cowboy hat in a hook. http://www.b3ta.com/board/5371767 http://www.b3ta.com/board/5371800 >> This Week's Challenge << This week, b3ta contributor Fire & Forget gave us the suggestion, "Oh No! moments from history" http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/historyohno/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * MONKEY vs APE DEBATE - a hot inbox including comments from Neville Squamous, "Chimps aren't monkeys, but not because they don’t have a tail. For scientists, at least, one of the characteristics which defines all mammals is a post-anal tail. However, because this includes humans I think it's probably just scientists trying to be clever by including the fact that we have a tail whilst an embryo." Post anal tail? Pfffft! Also possible pub-bore joefish writes, "Actually, not having tails is not a suitable indicator of apes over monkeys. The so-called 'Barbary Apes' of Gibraltar are actually Barbary Macaques, a tail-less species of monkey. That's one that even your 'chimps are apes' pub-experts get wrong." Well, consider us told. * BORIS JOHNSON VOTE - we previously mentioned a page which asked for your pledge to vote Tory on the condition that Boris was PM. About 700 of you did, so we guess most of our readers aren't actually secretly right-wing after-all. Even if Boris is all cuddly. http://www.pledgebank.com/yayboris * EAR-CANDLES WORK - CaroWallis writes, "in reply to your query about ear-candles. I can verify that ear candles are fab, especially if you have particularly waxy ears. Somehow, perhaps by magic, the wax/yucky infection stuff is lifted out of the ear by burning the 'candle', and is deposited on the inside of the tube." Ewww! CaroWallis has waxy ears! *Does waxy ear dance of yore* * SWEARING BUSH UPDATE - Dr. A. rightfully moans, "It was put together by my very talented video-editing mate Gav (he also did the "gaybetamax" Bush / Blair Electric Six video a while back), and it might be nice if you whack a credit at the end of the next newsletter for him. It's actually a preview version that the creatures at wimp.com have found and, well, nicked. It was going to be used as a promo for my new website, but that's all fucked up now with it's premature release. Bah." Ooh, what a shame! But let that be a lesson to you dear readers, do not stick stuff on the web you don't want mailed round. If something is good, it WILL reach people. * ZIT vs CYST - Cysty informs, "That zit in your last newsletter wasn't actually a "zit", it's a cyst which is totally different for some reason. I know this because my balls are covered in them." Jesus mother of god! What is it with our readers? Waxy ears? cysty balls? In our head you all look like supermodels. Even the boys. ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * Can't really be fucked thinking up some ideas this week, but our thought about an SD-card MP3 doorbell we mention earlier up is a good one. * Really this bit of the newsletter is the hardest bit to write, we always do it last and we bang our heads going, "must have idea" Er.. Wasps. We want mini-remote control wasps with radio cameras on them. They'd revolutionise film-making as you could shoot in places where it's too cramped to get a crew in. And think of the porn! And spying on young ladies making poo. * Darn-it. We've actually stuck two ideas in now, after claiming we weren't. Can we make three? Er.. Book publishers! Can we write a book called "Things that make you go ahhh" and it just be a collection of cute looking animals and some slightly mental captions? It would sell, and we're right because we're fucking experts at this stuff. We shit you not. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel. (David Stevenson was asleep after Rob kept him up for two days helping out on a flash video called Van Weasel for Capital Radio.) Links sent in by The Figurative Pineapple and others we'll credit next week. Top Tippery by ja Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. He is you know. Proofing by b4ta. (106130 - 32411) Answer to joke: Get another one to shout "Bingo". ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: "If, like me, your fingers smell Quite Wrong for days after crumbling an Oxo cube try this: Carefully unfold the corners of the foil on a cube and press flat to crush the cube in the foil (it's a sealed package). Then tear off a corner and pour out the powdery loveliness. Not only do your fingers remain untainted, but it's better than normal crumbling and so dissolves super fast." FOR FUCKS SAKE! Do people really care about their fingers smelling of OXO? Our newsletter writing minds collectively boggle. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive