we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "DO TESCOS REALLY PROMOTE MUM-CHUFFING?" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * CILLIT BANG - is "shit" shocker! * WEEBL - Goes goth * EXPERIMENT - Do tin foil hats really work? ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Man Stroke Woman on Sunday nights. << No, not a quick fettle on the sofa before Match of the Day 2. Man Stroke Woman is a seriously funny new sketch show produced by Ash Atalla (The Office). Catch it at 10.30pm on BBC Three. http://snipurl.com/manstrokewoman >> Get your Japanese imports here << * Huge selection of Totoro & Domo-kun toys * "I'm Looking for a Japanese Girlfriend" T-shirts * Hentai games in English - available by download * Japanese magazine subscriptions - anime, fashion & more * J-Snacks, including Japan Kit Kat, Pocky & Black Black caffine gum You've got a friend in Japan http://www.jlist.com/ >> Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1 Shittit Bang, Weebl toys & Australia >> Cillit Bang Vs Kill It Bam << Since we recently decided that Cillit Bang was completely over and we never wanted to mention it again, we're happy to inform you that it's also shit and less effective than cheaper rip-off products. T3h.kitteh brings you the consumer expose of the year, we particulary enjoyed the close-up details of his grotty kitchen. http://www.livejournal.com/users/maryboneproject/2... >> Weebl & Bob goes goth << Jonti has been spacking his flash spuds to produce some more twaddle, this time about goths. But the reason you need to watch this, is for the fantastic advert at the end. It really makes you feel good and possibly spendy concerning his lovely new range of soft toys. http://www.weebl.jolt.co.uk/gothic.htm >> The truth about Australia << Remember the old 'visit Australia' advery from a while back? The one with the "red and yellow and pink and green song?" Pplakides does, but he remembers it a bit different to you and me. Gave us a chuckle anyway. http://panosfantastic.co.uk/australia.html ------------------------------------------------- : THEY DIDN'T PRINT THAT - DID THEY? Tesco Mum thing Malc writes in with the shock news that "Tesco, evil-ubershop of the UK recommends incest!" And he has proof. http://www.thegoth.force9.co.uk/malcsimg/tescomum.... ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2 Birdseye advert, eBay fraud & Numbers game >> Captain Birdseye: the truth << Remember the Australian advert edit that we linked to, ooh five minutes ago? It reminded Freddy Woo that everytime he sees the current Birdseye ABC campaign he has to shout at the screen. This is what he shouts: http://snipurl.com/birdseye >> eBay fraud malarky << P0rk writes - "Someone bought a CD from me, and has been making copies of it to sell on eBay. Unlucky thing is, he stole my ENTIRE listing and HOTLINKED the images... what else could I do?" What P0Rk means is that he was able to change the images on the listing to something entirely different. Revenge is sweet. BTW: We've screen-grabbed this, assuming eBay will pull it. http://www.b3tards.com/uploads/eBay.gif >> Numbers game << Matazone has made an odd little game, it's a bit like Nokia snake but oddly floaty. Give it a shot, we're sure you can beat our score of 300 or so. http://www.matazone.co.uk/animpages/cf/circlefish.... ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Weird Teachers Last week we asked for your strangest teachers: http://b3ta.com/questions/weirdteachers/ For some reason, all the best stories were about Chemistry teachers. Chemistry it appears is the new Rock and Roll. We present the following three scientists as a lesson to others: >> The Legless Cripple << "My chemistry teacher was a guy with glasses about two inches thick, hair like an explosion in a pube factory, and a screeching high-pitched voice like nothing else I have ever heard. Oh and he didn’t have any legs. He wore this pair of awful wooden legs that went straight as rods all the way up to his arse cheeks. Sadly he was about as gifted in the use of his crutches as he was at ballet dancing, so we nicknamed him Speedy. One summer school fete there was a 'soak the teacher' stall. Speedy, being a good old sort really, did his bit and lurched & wobbled up to undergo his stint behind the plastic sheeting. It went quite well until one girl grabbed a sponge and shoved it into his face really hard. It was like a coconut being knocked off its perch. Except that the coconut was Speedy’s body, and the perch was his wooden legs. He disengaged in a flurry of flailing crutches and strange yelping noises; all that was left was a tangled pile of artificial limb and wet cripple." (soapy norris) >> The Fish Torturer << "Our evil, bald, ex-army chemistry teacher always found an interesting way to present the subject at hand. Picture a class of twenty students watching in disbelief as the science of electroplating is demonstrated. On a goldfish in a bowl, projected on a large overhead viewing screen. 'Copperfish' he called it." (StateOfGlee) >> The Inflammable Sheep Botherer << "Our chemistry teacher was a spitting image of Clive Sinclair, hence his nickname '48k'. THE most flammable man in the world, permanently eyebrow-less. Once set fire to the gas directly out of the taps, igniting the blackboard eraser and causing the school to be evacuated... Anyway, 48k asked me to "pick up some sheeps lungs at the butchers, they are expecting you". We'd been learning all about respiration that term, so I did this without question. 48k put a tube into the lungs so he could blow down it and inflate them. It was a bit gory, blood clots and the like, and a couple of girls in the class were obviously swaying... 48k then took the tube out and jabs at the diaphragm with a finger. The butcher hadn't taken the voice box off the lungs had he? so when 48k prods at them... BAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH. Three girls go down like dominoes, but, best of all, 48k leans down and says, "Shhh Muriel, your mother will hear us." The man is a legend in Hull." (airliebird) >> This Week's Question << We'd like you to cheat, or at least confess your cheating ways to us. Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/cheats/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates. >> Do tin foil hats really work? << The headwear of choice for today's paranoid nut is the tinfoil beanie - shielding you from evil brain lasers. But how well do they really work? A team of crack scientists investigates. And finds that they actually increase the intensity of whatever's being beamed at your brain. We're trying for Granada Men & Motors. http://people.csail.mit.edu/rahimi/helmet/ >> Lighter tracking << It's an idea we've all had - tracking lighters on their fag track travels. Previous people have tried it with GPRS cyber-spack bollocks, but this version is nice, simple and successful. Just put a sticker on the side to get people to mail you a pic of them lighting up with it. http://www.jamesrobertford.com/works/six_degrees_o... >> Monkey washing a cat << Who doesn't like a monkey washing a cat? Just look at the little fella go! Aww. Do we need to add anything more? http://www.brud.info/video/monkey_washing_cat.mov >> Manky portrait game << The game here is to see if you can guess which celebrity these slightly shonky pictures are supposed to be of. Some of them are surprisingly good likenesses. http://wossname.thingy.com/portraits.htm >> McDonalds signpost prank << Poor old McDonald's - imagine having your brand dragged through the mud to the extent that just adding 'Mc' to a word means 'a shit version of', eg. McJobs. Anyway, these chaps found a poorly guarded sign outside their local Maccy D's and replaced it with one of their own designs. http://www.phonelosers.org/pranks_mcdonalds_sign.h... ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Fat magpie, spoiled hedgehog This podgy little baby magpie has a hairstyle strangely like that of a 70s footballer - and perhaps that's why he looks so mournful. http://www.pbase.com/image/33313869 Some animals are just spoiled. Admittedly, they don't come much cuter than this wee hedgehog, but take a look at the luxury euro-biscuit she's snacking on - a cruel waste! http://www.deepcity.org/inhuman/pets/hedgehog/bamb... ------------------------------------------------- : GIF OF THE WEEK The award the web industry fears What a peculiar little banner this is. Just take a look about halfway down the page on teh right. Keep looking. Why's that bloke flicking the Vs? It's because he doesn't love Mansfield at all. He's trapped in a gif, his soul is empty and he lashes out the only way he can. In 16k of web-optimised colour. http://www.ilovemansfield.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : SIGNS OF THE APOCALYPSE Bemusing anal bear Surely God must be close at hand with His cleansing rain of fire. This teddy bear talks and farts when you stick your finger up his bottom. The lisping voice clearly puts him in the realm of gay stereotypes and puts you, the unfortunate owner, in the position of a gay-bashing tormentor of bears. Is that what you want? http://snipurl.com/analbear ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Games for Geeks Challenge Each week we run a competition to test your creative skills. We set a challenge and you open Photoshop and mess with our heads. Last week we wanted to know what games geeks played in their spare time. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/geekgames/ We asked B3ta boarder Rev Jesse Custer to judge the entries - here are his 3 faves. Rev Jesse Custer writes - #1 Dirty geek - My overall fave. Just simply brilliant. Funny and really well thought out. (monkeon) http://www.b3ta.com/board/5315287 #2 Tetris - I love his expression - reminded me how people look when playing games. (NoSoup4U) http://www.b3ta.com/board/5315890 #3 Puzzle - Simply made me laugh out loud! I love how frustrated she looks with the whole thing. (Betty Bo Bibster) http://www.b3ta.com/board/5327310 >> This Week's Challenge << This week, B3ta contributor Coast of Yemen gave us the suggestion, "Gameshows based on Songs" http://b3ta.com/challenge/gameshows/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * TOP TIP CORRECTION CORRECTED - We know we're losing 90% of our readers with that headline, but the pedantry amuses us. "The last newsletter shows that biochemists are chemists who have lost their way," opines turnercrw. "The biochemistry student who corrected your top tip about silver cleaning seemed to be suggesting that aluminium would dissolve in a solution of salt and water. Fortunately for those with aluminium-bodied cars, that isn't the case. In fact, aluminium has a higher affinity for the substances that make up the tarnish on silver than the silver itself, and so the top tip suggestion transfers the tarnish from the silver to the aluminium and is perfectly safe, and, in fact, a recommended method for cleaning silver." Oooh! Handbags! * PASTA COOKEDNESS TEST - Sausage sequel. Now that we have your attention again, jaypeaby writes, "You can tell when sausages are cooked because they bounce." It's true too. Look: http://www.users.on.net/~jaypeabey/bouncybouncy.wm... ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * REAL VIRAL COMPETITION - some PR agency spammed everyone who on posts on our board this week with the opportunity to enter a "viral competition". Fuck that. Let's have a real viral competition. With biochemists. The winner gets to rule over an empty world. * ANNOY SUPERMARKETS - go in and complain that you can't buy Easter Eggs yet. * RANKMYWANK.COM - a site for young men to compare their wanking technique via short video clips. With possibly a sister site for the ladies, digmyfrig.com Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Links sent in by jc.hodson, jamie.hillman, kidb,Holy mother of God, Country_Fox, hellokatja, OldWhit, underground650. Top Tippery robbed from howtocleananything.com Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Proofing by the b4 "will they digg voting or won't they?" ta wooyay massive. (105883 - 31656) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Since you can't bath your budgie, try this! Thoroughly wash a sprig of fresh parsley then tie the wet sprig to the inside bars of your budgie's cage. He will roll against it, peck it and clean himself! Also, he will be nicely seasoned for when you roast him. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive