we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "THE OFFENSIVE WANKING GAME" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * VIDEO - Four-way spesh action * GAME - Cutesy bouncing panda * TRAMPS - Rob gets kicked ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > TV host gets giggles << Can this really be real? A foreign Kilroy gets the uncontrollable giggles while interviewing guests with a tragic tale to tell - because they have funny voices. We can't tell quite what's going on because we don't speak the lingo, but the chap has a very infectious laugh. http://media5.big-boys.com/content/holditin.wmv >> Home-made flamethrower << Go fill a waterpistol with windscreen washer and fuck around with naked flames in your garage. It's all fun until someone loses an eye (note: no-one loses an eye in this vid). http://snipurl.com/ji47 >> Xena muck << Everyone remembers Xena, right? The pseudo medieval adventures of a winsome pair of, possibly lesbian, warrior women. We were shocked, shocked, to stumble on this excerpt from a show that seems to have been rather too heavily influenced by redneck classic Deliverance. http://www.gilgamesh.zen.co.uk/video/Xena_-_The_Ab... >> NASA cock worship << When the men are on the moon, the NASA ladies get their jollies with giant robot cocks. That's the word on Space Street. Here's proof. http://snipurl.com/j8tp ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates. >> Shaggy dog story << Excellent story, apparently fresh from the pages of the Yorkshire Evening Post. It's got to be a fake, of course, but it was too good not to share. Ha ha to popbitch this week for printing it as true. http://snipurl.com/shaggydog >> Bone jewellery << "Own a piece of IMMORTALITY" is how they try to sell it to you. "Own a big fucking lump of a Chinese person's foot made into an ostentatious necklace" is slightly more honest. Apparently it's all okay, because the skeletons were previously used as museum displays. When we were thinking of leaving our bodies to posterity, we didn't think that would involve having to hang around with goths and neo-nazis after we were gone. http://www.vampirewear.com/ckshop.php >> Kitty litter cake << A Halloween classic. but one that never fails to get a reaction. You know that something this gross just can't be good to eat. http://snipurl.com/kittycake >> Angry / calm optical illusion << Look at the picture. You'd think the angry bloke was on the left and his placid wife on the right. Move back from the screen though and you find they've both swapped places. What's that all about? http://www.ianrowland.com/MiscPages/Mrangryandmrsc... >> Vagina beer << Such an art school girl thing. "Look, you are attracted and yet repulsed by my body. See, here are my menstrual fluids. Made into a lampshade." Or, in this case, beer. Yes, you read that right. American artist Toi Sennhauser made up a keg of booze using her 'lady's self raising' as well as the more traditional brewers' yeast. Frankly, we'll be sticking with the Malibu and cokes. http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Content >> ytmnd corner << Two links from make-your-own-flash-movie site ytmnd. And why? Because it's great. Hypnotic portrayal of an enormous Heath Robinson-esque factory devoted principally to the production and destruction of small, enigmatic blue balls. http://blueballfixed.ytmnd.com/ In other news, Paris Hilton is capable of only one facial expression - shock: http://parisfacial.ytmnd.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Essential Items We wanted to know what you always carry with you. Your answers, as ever, were revealing. Yes, there are people who consider it essential at all times to have: * A home-made buttplug. * An emergency doorknob. * A small collection of plastic fish * A "Guess Who" card that looks like me. * A ticket for the crashed train at Paddington * A set of Supercar Top Trumps Cards. I am 26. * A Post-It with "Your mum looks like Lemmy" on it. * The tiniest bottle of Tabasco sauce ever. * A pet rat. * A list of Asterix books not in my collection. * A notebook detailing every bowel movement. Read the full stories behind these and more: http://b3ta.com/questions/essentialitems/ >> This Week's Question << Guy Fawkes night is approaching for all our UK readers so we decided to revisit an earlier question and ask all about Fire: http://b3ta.com/questions/fire/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Tramps, Science & Cola >> "Today I was kicked by a tramp" << Read your Ginger Fuhrer's account of being accosted by a tramp on the London Underground. Includes photos. Lovely. http://www.flickr.com/photos/robmanuel/58158873/ >> Weebl's "What is 'Science'?" << Science! Everybody's talking about it, but just what is it? After watching Jonti's singing, dancing spectacular we were, frankly, none the wiser. We're beginning to suspect he's not a real doctor at all. http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/science/ >> Cola explosion << B3ta reader Exeterfan heard that when you put mints containing gum Arabic into fizzy pop it will explode. Judging by this, he heard right. http://media.putfile.com/Exploding-Coke ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from Robot Challenge Last week in a fit of insanity we asked you to put down Photoshop and pick up a camera and make images of yourself dressed as your favourite robot. Imagine the power of being able to issue such an order. We are wanking now. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/realrobots/ We asked b3ta boarder Freddy Woo to judge the entries - here are his 3 faves. #1 "Grumpy Cyberman - A Doctor Who favourite, it's the facial expression that scores the points. http://www.b3ta.com/board/5262271 #2 "2P-P0 - building robots isn't just a hobby for rich media twats like us, you dole scum can join in the fun too." http://www.b3ta.com/board/5269474 #3 "Cheese Grater Man - the game is to see how many other household objects you can recognise in his hastily-constructed costume. http://www.b3ta.com/board/5260777 >> This Week's Challenge << This week, a b3ta contributor gave us the suggestion, "The eighth deadly sin." http://b3ta.com/challenge/eighthdeadlysin/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * PIXEL STAR WARS - "Cheers for the newsletter mention, really made my day!" writes pixel art superstar Foldsfive, creator of the wee Star Wars anim we featured last week. He's finished the trilogy with Return of the Jedi. Let's hope to the god of fuck that he doesn't start on the abysmal shit that was the Phantom Menace and its ilk. http://www.b3ta.com/board/5274358 * SWEARY TV - Seeing our Sky News link last week spurred Rayalix to write, "I was watching BBC Breakfast News. The 'Jam Cams' bit came on, and I suddenly saw the word 'cunt' on the screen, where one set of titles were overlapping another set behind." As luck would have it, he had his camera on him. Take a look. http://www.b3tards.com/uploads/bbcnews.jpg * RELAXED CAT - bRaZZiN is a fluent Japanese speaker and tells us that "the TV playing in the background of that 'debuneko', 'relaxed cat' clip from last week's newsletter is actually playing gay porn. To quote the guy with surly voice about midway 'Oh yeah yeah, feel the butthole, feel the butthole.'" * "DAVID REDHEAD IS A LYING CUNT," according to the lovely Hywel. "It wasn't Juliet Bravo that had a carrot anaemia storyline, it was District Nurse with Nerys Hughes. You're all cunts as well." Thanks for that. You cunt. ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Bouncing panda It's hard to improve on a classic, but this version of Arkanoid benefits from the addition of cute pandas, an unchallenging difficulty level and a soundtrack based on the pentatonic scale. Incidentally, that's the same scale John Lennon used to write 'Jealous Guy', fact fans. http://www.rubytooth.com/media/36703/ ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * IS IT DONE YET? You can tell if spaghetti is cooked by throwing it at the wall. We're wondering if it works for other foods too; pork chops perhaps. Or maybe a nice lasagne. Can you test this out for us? * REAL INDOOR FIREWORKS - set off a rocket in your living room, maybe a Catherine wheel in your wardrobe or a Roman candle in the loft. All that flammable fiberglass. Mmm. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel and David 'What goes Click.. "is it done yet" Click.. "is it done yet" Click.. "is it done yet" Click.. "is it done yet" Click.. "is it done yet" Click.. "is it done yet" Click.. "is it done yet" Click.. "is it done yet" Click.. "is it done yet" ..........David Blunkett with a Rubiks Cube.' Stevenson. Links sent in by Parrot of doom, Midas, rootsxrocks, Simon, bomberesque, oooh, Ed Siteman, gilgamesh, Woody and Joe Top Tippery by TerryNutkins Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike "A man goes to the zoo. When he gets there, there is only one dog. It was a shitzu." Trinder is QOTW bloke. Proofing by b4ta. (105555 - 30100) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: To get silverware sparkling find a container big enough for the item to be cleaned and place a piece of aluminium foil on the bottom, then add hot water and salt. Dip the silverware into the solution and after a few seconds it should be shining. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive