we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "GO WEB GO!" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * OPERA - Singing glaucoma webpage * SUPERMAN - a ghastly twit? * BASTARDS - who nicked my laptop then? ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Blair, Spiderman & Babies >> Political stuff << It's with a heavy heart we open emails from Manic. He's always banging on about some political stuff we care not a jot about. But we surprised ourselves with this one: because we liked it. Apparently it's a comment on civil liberties in the UK, but it takes a surreal left turn half way through and hence made us grin. We also enjoyed Manic's suicidal cameo - possibly too much. http://www.backingblair.co.uk/long_shot/ >> Best messageboard post ever << Trawling through our postbag, we were reminded of our favourite story on b3ta ever. Involving a sexual act called "The Spiderman" which translates as 'pulling out just before the vinegar strokes, chucking your fat into your hand, then flinging it in the girls face whilst triumphantly shouting "Go web go!"' You see, we have very classy people posting on our site. http://b3ta.com/questions/your_dumped_stories/post... >> Identikit baby << Davideo writes - "Hi guys, in these heady days of designer children, I have made a kind of baby identikit thingy." We're linking because the results look so bloody nasty, you might get a few grins here: http://www.davideodesign.co.uk/designa.htm ------------------------------------------------- : HAVE YOU SEEN MY LAPTOP? A personal appeal from your Ginger Fuhrer "Last Wednesday I was having a pint in the Prince Albert in Notting Hill. I was with a chap you might know as Joel Veitch, so the one pint turned into several and of course I left my laptop in the pub. "Unsurprisingly, it's since been filched, and this is rather frustrating as it has a load of stuff on it I could do without losing. "Anyway. It's was a silvery HP laptop in a purple rucksack. And when you turn the machine on there's a desktop picture of a squawking chicken. "Don't suppose you've seen it, have you? Thought not. Gah. So excuse me if this newsletter has a grumpy tone, I am sulking." ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates. >> Websites that shouldn't sing but do #44 << Imagine you were designing a website for glaucoma sufferers. Wouldn't you stick an opera track on it that vibrates, "Glaucoma, glaucoma, glaucoma, constricting vision slowly..?" Genius. BTW: A recent episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm claimed that smoking marijuana helps relieve intraocular fluid pressure. Draw your own conclusions about what the web designers have been smoking. http://www.globalaigs.org/ >> Superman is a dick << We're loving this collection of Superman comic-book covers carefully selection to illustrate the sheer twattishness of our caped-hero. He really was a smug shit-eater. http://www.superdickery.com/dick/1.html >> Geek bedroom song << Obvious enough song, poking fun at 30-something blokes still living with their mum, but somehow it's still enjoyable. For our money the classic of this genre is the Madness track that went "In the pub about 7:30, mother makes sure that his face ain't dirty. Him and mother go everywhere, he holds her hands without a care." Woo. http://snipurl.com/geekbedroomsong >> Kids dildo toothbrush << Many moons ago we claimed that 99% of electric toothbrushes are bought for anal stimulation, obviously we were telling porkies, but it looks like the product designers at Kellogg’s have had similar thoughts when making this give-away toy for a box of Corn Pops. http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.ph... >> Electronic paintbrush << Oooh. This looks like a nice product: combining a paintbrush and a video camera, it allows you to point your brush say at a cat, and then paint using a kitteny texture. We want one now. http://www.youtube.com/watch.php >> Mr. Pubey << Enjoyable Q&A from an agony aunt about a gentleman who repeatedly left a single pube on the toilet seat. It's a whole new world of perverts we'd never considered. (Although there was that bloke we remember from university notorious for wanking on his girlfriends soft toys whilst she was watching TV.) http://www.villagevoice.com/people/0541,savage,687... >> More UK civil liberties stuff << If Manics' earlier animation has piqued your interest about the erosion of rights in the UK, then read this story abut some chap with a laptop on his back who was arrested for being a terrorist suspect. Sobering stuff. http://gizmonaut.net/bits/suspect.html >> Pub game #45 << Ooh. Always love those little tidbits of ideas to try down the pub. Here you can learn how to fold a tenner to make the Queen frown like the grumpy old mollusk that she is. Actually that reminds us of our favourite ancient visual joke. Take a note, put it under your chin and dribble. Ask your audience, "what's this? What's this? Christopher Reeves at a titty bar." http://glitterforbrains.blogspot.com/2005/10/fun-w... ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Cute puppies. Oooh look. Lovely puppies. Doesn't make me feel any better about someone stealing my laptop though. Your mileage may vary. http://www.tuasiwa.dk/Griffonhvalpe%202004/1_alle-... ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Passive-aggressive Guilt Trips Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes and lies into one handy place on the interweb. Last week we asked for examples of the guilt trips your family lay on you: http://b3ta.com/questions/guilttrip/ * My step gran "When my ma married my stepfather, her new husband's mum was not impressed at having to share her son with another woman again. So on the day of the wedding she stood a couple of feet away from him in the registry office. And shat herself just as the vows started. She was wearing tights so she managed to shake it down her leg until it bunched up around an ankle, and piped up with 'I've had an accident. You need to help me clean it up.' And then proceeded to mutter loudly 'No, not you dear. HE has to help me.' as various relatives tried to bundle her off for a wipe down. Funny thing is, she never lost the use of her arse at any other time before or after the wedding." (mungbean) * Major Morgan "When I was about 5 I had a toy called Major Morgan. It was a little plastic man that said different phrases and made different sounds. In the back yard on a sunny day, Mum had her feet in a bowl of water. I threatened to give Major Morgan diving lessons if I couldn't have an ice cream. The ice cream never materialised so I proceeded to test the buoyancy of MM. When I pulled the wet toy from the bowl it started making creepy dying sounds like Steven Hawking on diazepam. Me Mum said "aww, Daniel. You have killed him! You murdered Major Morgan." I was so guilt ridden for weeks after, when we sung all things bright and beautiful in primary school, I'd cry for the Major." (dansprojector) * Birthday guilt: worst. gift. evar. "When I was a lassie of about 9 or 10, my birthday happened to fall on Mother's Day. My grandma had passed away a few weeks earlier and I thought things were beginning to return to normal. I quickly found this was not the case for when I flounced downstairs to let everybody lavish me with birthday-type love, my mom dropped a boxed cake on the counter sans candles and said "Happy birthday...at least you have a mother." She then retired to her room to cry for the rest of the day. For what it's worth, the cake was delicious!" (Girlmitzi) >> This Week's Question << We'd like you to confess your first love. Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/firstlove/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Gay World Challenge Each week we run a competition to test your creative skills. We set a challenge and you open Photoshop and mess with our heads. Last week we wanted to know what the World would be like if everything was gay. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/ifeveryonewasgay/ We asked b3ta boarder Cocodaye Miasere to judge the entries - here are his 3 faves. Cocodaye Miasere writes - #1 Breakdancing - This one is mesmerising. You can tell he gets all the boys. (shambla) http://www.b3ta.com/board/5225059 #2 Romanticism - now with added burning. (grey kid) http://www.b3ta.com/board/5216368 #3 Queen of Hearts - This one was very difficult to choose, but it's one of the more subtle entries, but still just as effective. (Yeknom) http://www.b3ta.com/board/5228150 Honourable mention: Victory - There were a lot of flag entries but I think this is the best. (Dr.Trouser) http://www.b3ta.com/board/5221291 >> This Week's Challenge << This week the challenge is to demonstrate bad situations getting much, much worse. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/badtoworse/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * PROFANIWIKI STORMS WEB - last week we asked you to fill profaniwiki with lots of lovely swearing to make it better. You've helped out in droves. One reader writes -"Greetings from the shithole that is Bradford! I've hardly stopped laughing since. I'm prepared to admit to writing Arse burgering wankfest, cunting fuck bastard, joey, fat tounged cunt and mockney. Thank you b3ta - I love you for making my life just that little bit less shite." Another reader points out that 'Sucky Fucky Jam Tits' is a good entry. Glad you all enjoyed yourselves. http://www.profaniwiki.com/index.php * ZOMBIE PUB CRAWL - As featured last year, the zombie-themed pub-crawl returns. Some good pics of last years event, so if you fancy it, get to it. http://www.anarchichand.com/ * CILLIT BANG PR BLUNDER - It's been troubling times for the Cillit Bang brand recently. Their web team have been undoing the hard (and unpaid) work b3ta people have been doing for them by posting marketing messages on blogs under the name Barry Scott. Frankly this annoyed us a bit, so we've vowed never to mention Cillit Bang again. http://www.completetosh.com/weblog/2005/10/when_vi... * CILLIT BANG TWAT COINS - however, Rainbow Mong got in touch to mention he's been using Cillit Bang to write rude words on coins, and so we've broken our new rule already. http://www.b3ta.com/board/5203133 ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Robot maze thing Robot. Maze. Things. Clicky. Game. Woo. Quite. Hard. No. Idea. Why. I'm. Pressing. The. Full. Stop. Key. Every. Word. Maybe. It's. Because. Someone. Nicked. My. Laptop. C. U. N. T. S. http://www.gamedesign.jp/flash/maze/maze.html ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * MOONCUP TEST - Ladies, collect your menstrual blood with an eggcup shoved up your twat. Does it really work better than a rag? http://www.mooncup.co.uk/index.htm * A MAGIC DEVICE - that stops you leaving your laptop in a pub. Possibly involving a homing pigeon and a nail-bomb. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Links sent in by badgersex, johnywee, satanfish, lesbian bartender, crooked monkey, mong turkey, shitstabber, my bent penis is giving me gyp and Salman Rushdie. Top Tippery by Flapjack - Ponce. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Slashdot on ATMs in the 90s - "Computers? Pah! Everyone knows that back in those days it was a midget with a box of money, trained to make BEEP! BEEP! noises." Proofing by the bastardly b4ta dastards. (105299 - 29509) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: We haven't got a tip this week, but here's a joke someone told on our messageboard that made us smile: Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now" Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window." "Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you." Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps, goes into the booth and puts on the earphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognised none of those." "I'm sorry Sir", says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes." Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make, steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it", he says, "I am the worlds leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!" "I really am terribly sorry", says the young assistant... "I've just realised I was playing you the bee side!" next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive