we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 200: "YES, TWO HUNDRED OF THE BUGGERS. WOO!" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * QUIZ - Is it Ant or Dec? * ANIM - Joel puts soup on his head * GAME - Pissing bleach on otters ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Cool, retro t-shirts << Licensed retro 80s tees, models and more the Goonies, A-Team, Top Gun, Bananaman, Thundercats, Transformers, Back to the Future, Ferris Bueller, Ghostbusters, Knight Rider, Fraggle Rock and many more. Brand new in - Napoleon Dynamite talking dolls and pens plus Vote for Pedro T-Shirts! Use gift voucher B3ta for your chance for a free order! http://www.truffleshuffle.co.uk/ >> Wallace & Gromit << It's plastitastic! We're talking about Wallace & Gromit's new film, which is intriguingly titled 'Curse of the Were-Rabbit'. It's got giant vegetables in, and lots of rabbits. And an evil plot. Orange have gone and got some sneak footage of it - watch it here. http://www.orange.co.uk/entertainment/film/movieof... >> Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1 Soup song, Duo quiz & Otter piss >> Gruesome Twosome Quiz << Your newsletter staff, Rob and Dave, have been up all night making a lovely quiz. For you, dear reader, so that you have something nice to play with this Friday. Can you tell which half of a celebrity duo is which? Which one's Ant and which one's Dec? We're fucked if we know. BTW: We've reached 200 issues of this very newsletter and thought a nice little quiz would be just the thing to celebrate. http://www2.b3ta.com/gruesometwosomes/ >> Soupy Joel << Joel has been as busy as a bee putting together a catchy song on the merits of wearing soup upon your head. Here're some facts: * Joel went a bit loopy syncing video of his own singing mouth and sticking it on a kitten for the entire song. * Your Ginger Fuhrer makes a brief cameo, and * It's absolutely ace. Rock on dude. http://www.7secondsoflove.com/soupy_george/ >> Inexplicable otter game << Hadn't heard from Crazymum in a while. His last was the Nigella Bites thing that gave us the heebeejeebees. He's back and he's not lost his touch. We can't actually work out how to play this game, but the premise is that you control a drink-addled Magnus Magnusson, pissing bleach onto otters in a river of electric Eskimos. That alone was worth the price of admission for us. http://www.crazymum.com/otter.htm ------------------------------------------------- : STATUS QUO WANK WATCH Hopefully a new regular feature Francis Rossi reminisces - "We'd project pornos onto the side of a white building. And we'd just lie there on the bed, collectively wanking. "It didn't help when you were in your vinegar strokes if someone told you a joke. "But that's part of being mates in a rock band. Well, it was in those days. I don't know if people do it now. It might be a bit uncool." BTW: We teefed this from some news site, but we just had to share the image of Status Quo collectively in their vinegar strokes. Otherwise we were scared it would stay trapped in our heads and attack us while we slept. ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Pretentious Bollocks Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes and lies into one handy place on the interweb. Last week we asked for the most pretentious stuff you'd seen: http://b3ta.com/questions/pretentions/ * Right tense? "I used to be a criminal defence lawyer, and one of the regulars at court was the most pretentious streak of piss; educated at Oxford don't yew know. Lost no opportunity telling everyone how clever he was. Walking out of court between streak of piss and my timid, lovely, colleage Lucy and he rather loudly said something to me in Greek (not modern greek, oh no, but ancient, fucking, greek). Cue me looking slightly blank. Cue Lucy leaning across and saying uncharacteristically loudly, "Right sentiment, wrong tense". Cue streak of piss going red. Cue much laughter. For the next two years before I escaped that particular pergatory everything he said was greeted with the question "right tense?"." (Mediaslut) * Let me take you on a lovely journey... "I did vaguely media related gubbins at university and as such saw my fair share of utter wank passed off as art. By far the best was a flip chart, being slowly turned over from page to page by the artist, a girl looking very pleased with herself. First was a photo of black, then a photo of the inside of the toilet, then an underwater photo, more water, more black, some sky, some sea and so on and so on. Eventually the final sheet was turned over to reveal the title, "The Journey Of A Poo". I instantly started laughing my ass off. This girl was a comedy genius! As I did so the 'artiste' turned and stared at me with a look of such hatred I felt as if I must have just raped her dead mother. She got a 2:1 for tackling 'a brave subject in an interesting way'." (Gleeballs) * Open Nite Shite "I used to go to an open mike evening in a pub where sometimes there were some pretty good acts. Once these two fellas walked on "stage", sat down and started tuning their guitars, turning the little pegs up & down, the odd note here and there. One had a tuning fork which he would occasionally bang on the mike stand then hold against his guitar. Everyone present watched for no more than a couple of seconds then noisily resumed their conversations. After about two minutes they stopped, one said "thank you" into the mike and they started looking around the audience and doing that smug nodding-smiling thing. Everyone assumed they were joking and a few people laughed out loud. It was only the gradual change in their expressions from "cat-that-got-the-cream" to "seven-year-old -whose-hamster-just-died" that caused people to realise that this had been their act. There was then some more laughing out loud." (Soapy Norris) We'd also like to congratulate Stusut79 for coming up with the line "And now, please put your hands together and give a huge Blackpool welcome to...The Conjoined Hitlers!" That's a show we'd pay to see. >> This Week's Question << We'd like you to tell us of misunderstandings in you life. Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/misunderstood/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates. >> Anal sex disaster << No idea if legendary internet misogynist Tucker Max is making it all up, but we loved the story of his shitty bum-love comeuppance. Poop justice strikes. http://snipurl.com/i8cl >> Flame thrower toy << The toys you get with your Action Man or whatever all look impressive enough. But can you grievously harm yourself with them? We think not. Hats off then to this fine fellow - converting a 1:6 scale soldier to carry a real, functioning flamethrower. How handy - if we're ever invaded by a one-foot-tall enemy. http://snipurl.com/i8co >> Rape is funny? << Let us introduce us to your new favourite superhero. He's called Rapeman and his schtick is fighting crime by raping the rapists. Hilarity ensues. No, really. Stand-out quote, "Well somebody blew the whistle, so someone is going to have to get raped." http://www.thebsquad.com/movies/7%5ERape.mov >> Kiddy death metal << Kids today, their toys may be too safe, but they're furious about it. This 5-year old's take on death metal put the shits up us. Just imagine how good he'll be when he's six. http://www.purevolume.com/spiderthetylercore ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2 Fatpie, Shit, Hovercraft, Wikiswear & Film quiz >> Fat-pie oddness << Something of a cliche to mention that Dave Firth's stuff is weird, but this one is truly fruit-loop. The mouths! The fucking abstract mouths! We're having nightmares. BTW: Love the bit with the machinegun cat. Fuck yeah. http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/ptikobj/ >> "She shat in my car" << Old joke: What do you do if a bird shits on your car? Don't take her out again. COME BACK! WE HAVE MORE! Nah, pity poor Mark for whom the joke became an embarrassing reality. Interesting piece on becoming the stuff of urban legends too. http://www.teamfishcake.co.uk/article.php >> DIY Mini-Hovercraft << Here's a challenge for this afternoon. Find a CD, a cork and a balloon, then build yourself one of these mini hovercrafts. Possibly for the transportation of winegums. Full instructions from the ever-sexy cr3ative - the second link goes to Redwine's site which has a video of the little bugger in full flight. http://b3ta.cr3ation.co.uk:8080/data/Aol.jpg http://www.b3tan.de/hovercraft.html >> Swearing Wiki << Wikis - the online encyclopedias where anyone can write the entries - have been lacking one thing: swearing. Until now. Paul is trying to make the definitive guide to profanity and rudeness in all forms, but he needs your help. The entries aren't fantastic so far, but you, yes you, surely can change that. http://www.profaniwiki.com >> Film quiz << Mike & Rob have done another of their "create your own quiz" things. This one is based on whether you can recognise DVD covers. So think of your favourite actor or director and get stuck in. http://www.scenta.co.uk/film_&_tv/tricky_flick... ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from Celebs on the Toilet Challenge Each week we run a competition to test your creative skills. We set a challenge and you open Photoshop and mess with our heads. Last week we wanted poo and celebrities: http://b3ta.com/challenge/celebritytoilet We asked b3ta boarder Sue Denham to judge the entries - here are her 3 faves. Sue writes - #1 I can do it to with Keanu - worth it for the calm and sensible look on Keanu's face. Ah, who am I kidding? It's the pun every time. (foldsFive) http://b3ta.com/board/5173108 #2 Roger Moore - Lovely animation, although I'd love to think that this is CCTV footage. Yup, that's tonight's fantasy sorted. (mutated monty) http://b3ta.com/board/5175657 #3 Luke Using the Force - What an expression... Yoda would be proud of him. (haku) http://b3ta.com/board/5173102 Thanks also to Brianftang who spotted that even the Evening Standard was in on the challenge, with not the most tasteful entry: http://b3ta.com/board/5175868 >> This Week's Challenge << This week, b3ta contributor Zaphod gave us the suggestion, "If the kids were in charge" http://b3ta.com/challenge/kidsincharge/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * IF I COULD SHIT OUT OF MY COCK - last week we claimed it would be great. Many of our more medically-informed readers point out it's a symptom of some sort of fistula, probably caused by Crohn's disease. Ho-hum. Not all that good of a thing then. * ROB'S B3TA TALK - it all went rather well really. Woo. Thanks to everyone who came, it was fun. There will be probably another, but we need to find a theatre first. ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * FIREBALL FUN - Using a small electronic device intended for tv/film special effects you can can shoot a ball of fire 3 or 4 metres into the air. Readers! Buy one, review it. Or burn people. http://snipurl.com/i8cq * USB TESLA COIL - possibly the voltages are not high enough, but imagine the fun you could have. * PUBLIC TERROR ENABLER - a 3G phone thing with samples of sirens, explosions and "evacuate!" Bound to get people's knickers in a twist. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by J-Rod, papakilo, Craig Zeni, jamestwisleton, babs just dreamt that nazi pixies were invading swizerland,dooferoaks, Theboytucker & fishgoth Top Tippery by wbm - abbreviated to be just like kfc. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Proofing by the lippy b4ta holiday makers. (104866 - 29458) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: When making marinade or homemade salad dressing, if you use too much vinegar, add a teaspoon of sugar. Due to the magic of science, it neutralizes the extra vinegar. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive