we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 198: "WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!111111" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * COOKING - Pancakes on a lamp * SWEARING - Rate my cuss * PHOTOS - Men of the Internet ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Cooking, Swearing, David Firth & Crane flies >> Light bulb vs. Pancake << Thomas Scott has become and internet star with his "ironing bacon" and "kettling pasta" school of cookery. He elaborates, "This is the last cooking experiment. We almost set ourselves on fire and got blinded this time, so there's no way we're doing any more. This time we did pancakes - cooked using a bloody big light bulb. Apparently our escapades have made us somewhat famous in Macedonia. We're hoping for an invitation to some Eastern European talk show." Woo. Remember us when you've got your own cookery show Thomas. http://www.thomasscott.net/iron/pancakes/ >> Rate my insult << B3ta old-schooler DiyJoe, you may remember him from his 'Simon swears' game of yester-year, clearly hasn't grown up and is still pursuing profanity with admirable enthusiasm. His latest is to ask you to submit your favourite swears and vote on the submissions of others. It's actually rather great, and kept us sniggering for good few minutes. http://www.diyjoe.com/index.php >> David Firth... outed << Everyone we speak to at the moment is going "Have you seen that Salad Fingers site? His stuff is great!" The creator David Firth recently got in touch pimping an odd little animation purporting to be the work of Jerry Jackson, a Linkin Park obsessed teen. We had our suspicions, and googling about it's clear that his cover is already blown and David and Jerry are one-and-the-same. Anyway. If you fancy an insight into his mind and his frankly odd take on online culture, you know where to be clicking. http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/22730517/ >> Crane Fly squish game << "I am sick of these long legs", complains Fakker, "and made a quick and shite game where you can kill them. Oh, and listen to a sped up version of R Kelly's 'I believe I can Fly.'" What more could you ask for on a Friday? http://www.mattfacer.com/daddy-long-legs/ ------------------------------------------------- : ACCIDENTAL QUIMNUENDOS A slip of the tongue is worth two in the bush * On helping a lady to pack away her tent - "have you got a flap in the front?" * On picking up coins in the street - "won't go down for less than 20p" * On asking the music teacher why there's numbers beneath the notes, "Oh, yes, I do occasionally give you a fingering" This is the bit where we try and think of a weak pun of our own and link to the email page. Reminds us of recommending Hotmail to an older woman several years back. She didn't stop with, "ooh. Yes. I need a hot male" all afternoon. Probably because we went very red every-time she did it. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : BOOK OF THE YEAR! "Help! Mom! There Are Liberals Under My Bed" Conservatives! Don't scare you kids with stories of the monsters that'll grab any child’s foot that strays from under the mattress. Tell them the truth: the political left are there to get them. Probably by drowning them in mung-bean soup or something. Still. Great title though. http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/159467506... ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK How Posh are You? Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes and lies into one handy place on the interweb. Last week we wanted to know how posh you lot are. Some of you are either lying, or there's a heck of a queue for the throne: http://b3ta.com/questions/posh/ * Polo with the Queen "As a young sprog the Queen came to visit and I was chosen to represent our cub-scout pack in a parade that was held in the park. When the day arrived, I was upset to notice that all the others had a bouquet of flowers or a pennant to present to the Queen. I had nothing. So thinking a quickly as a seven year old can, when I was called I stepped forward, ripped off a salute and offered the only thing I had available. "Would you like a polo, maam?" After my six week ban from the Cubs had finished, it was explained to me that Polo was a game played on horseback and it was this that our monarch enjoyed and not the grubby sweets kept in my pocket. My mum still wants to die of embarrassment nearly twenty years later." (Nezza) * Eccentrically Posh "I once went out with a girl whose family were so Posh they referred to each other by their middle names, rather than their given names. I've no idea why, but it obviously seemed an amusing jape to them. They also had a cat who was too lazy to use his catflap and you had to hold it open for him. Posh fluffy wanker." (overkill) * Actually Posh "My beloved wife is a direct descendant of Charlemagne - as in great great...(x38).. granddaughter. Therefore my son is as well. He puked on my shirt this morning. I guess this was to demonstrate his contempt of the working classes." (bierbelly ) We'd also like to congratulate 'hismastersvice' for going to a school so posh that it offers Polo and Yachting on the sports curriculum, expecting pupils to provide their own horse and/or yacht. >> This Week's Question << We'd like you to dish the dirt on the Police. Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/police/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates. >> Men of the Internet << A gallery of people's photos culled from personal homepages. Ladies - come feast your senses on this array of rippling, manly nerd-flesh. http://www.ianhaig.net/men/ >> URL joke << You'll need sound to appreciate that this site very much does exactly what it says in the URL. Vaguely reminiscent of the much-beloved zombo.com. http://www.iiiiiiii.com/ >> I live in a Jumbo jet << Remember that Twilight Zone episode with William Shatner on a plane and he looks out the window to see some sort of nasty beast. With this guy that would be the milkman, as his plane can't fly. http://www.airplanehome.com/ >> Why Geodesic domes are shit << Author of popular hippy tract Domebook One, George Oakes controversially recants his dome advocacy and points out the inherent flaws that make them complete shit. Nice bit about the insulation you have to use creating cyanide gas, and all the arguments they had with builders. http://www.shelterpub.com/_shelter/domebuilders_bl... >> Offended Koreans << The harshest critics of Team America: World Police appear to be based on North Korea and annoyed at the South Park creators' portrayal of Glorious Leader Kim Jong Il. Who would have guessed? http://snipurl.com/koreanyeah >> 'Fabulous' He-Man << Always suckers for favourite childhood programmers remixed to give a surprising gay subtext, we loved this rendition of Prince Adam of He-Man fame giving vent to his 'fabulous secret powers' singing 4 Non Blondes Tampax ad tunes. Mind you, not a huge stretch to give He-Man a gay subtext. Why do you think Skeletor is so bony? AIDS. http://www.whoomp.com/articles/163/1/He-Man-does-4... >> Clever advertising cunts << How we wish we'd thought of this first. There are one million pixels on this chap's page. Each one will set you back $1 - buy as big an ad as you like. Or not. Hope he dies soon. http://www.milliondollarhomepage.com/ >> Not PSP << Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant - fancy one of they there PSP game thingies, but only have a fiver? The POPStation is very nearly as good as you'd expect for a fiver. Oh so shit, you have to check out this in-depth review. http://media.putfile.com/POPStation2 >> Best Film Title Ever << We once thought that "1,001 Ways to Eat My Jizz, Part 3: Biscuits and Gravy Edition" was the best film title humanly possible. But in sheer inventiveness it's been utterly surpassed by: Snakes on a Plane. A film that had to be made because the pitch is in the title. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0417148/ >> Animated wire man << Lies, filthy lies - is not what wires and plasticine do when left to their own devices. They do not rise up and form life off their own bat. Nice bit of animation though. http://www.wimp.com/creatingman/ >> Monkey space pants << The title says it all - your chance to own a pair of trousers worn by a Soviet monkey astronaut. Monkeys were the second species of animals to be launched into space. The first were fruit flies. Fruit fly space pants are an absolute bargain. http://snipurl.com/youareabummer ------------------------------------------------- : THREE FACTS WE'VE LEARNT THIS WEEK * The black and white minstrels, when they were actually filmed in black and white, used red face paint, which was shot through filters, showed up better. * Kinder eggs are illegal in the US - due to a choking hazard: * "Calm down, let's not turn this rape into a murder" is one hell of a t-shirt slogan. Tell us your facts. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Wombat baby An Australian marsupial, the wombat shares over 90% of its DNA with Kylie Minogue and also takes 14 days to complete digestion. Anyway, here's a little baby one picking flowers. Sweet. http://batman.jypoly.fi/~93981/stuff/elukat/Wombat... ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Make Church Popular Challenge Each week we run a competition to test your creative skills. We set a challenge and you open Photoshop and mess with our heads. Last week we wanted you design movie posters of your own lives. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/makechurchpopular/ We asked b3ta boarder Ptolemy to judge the entries - here are his 3 faves. Ptolemy writes - #1 Change the Gargoyles - Quite apart from being delightfully surreal and beautifully 'shopped, this was the entry that for me came closest to making church seem like a decidedly attractive proposition. It might've just been the norks that did it though. (collapsibletank) http://www.b3ta.com/board/5128787 #2 An Affair With The Dog - Great source picture, mad idea, splendid shoppage, both offensive and sacrilegious at once - this one has everything! (mediocre) http://www.b3ta.com/board/5124453 #3 I'm Prayin' It - Worryingly, I got the impression that one or two of this week's challenge entries were actually genuine. Although combining Church with McDonalds' obvious marketing skills was perhaps inevitable, this entry was painstakingly done - and as far as I can tell hasn't actually happened. Yet. (thisismyclone) http://www.b3ta.com/board/5134654 Runner-up: PaPal - sometimes the simplest ideas are the best; this was both funny and original and features some lovely attention to detail. (pimpingeezer) http://www.b3ta.com/board/5130774 >> This Week's Challenge << This week, boarder Beau Bo d'Or demanded that we Rebrand America. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/rebrandamerica/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * GEEK SONGS AGAIN - saminyoh blurts, "I'm embarrassed to say it, but whenever I put a load of white washing in the washing machine, I sing in my head 'It's a nice day for some white washing' in a Billy Idol voice..." Hmm. Yeah, in your head you're a rebel, saminyoh. * CILLIT BANGISMS - CR3 did a GCSE English oral presentation on the mighty cleaning product. On getting an A*, he delightedly wrote to thank cult front-man Barry Scott personally. And got a reply: http://www.b3ta.com/talk/787099 * OTTERS Vs SLOTHS CONTROVERSY RAGES - Bulging mail sacs testify to the grave error we made last week in thoughtlessly dismissing sloths as a 1-fact beast and thus inferior to otters. Sloth-crazed readers rushed to inform us that Sloths have hollow hair that contains green algae for camouflage. The algae changes colour at the same time as the leaves on the trees so that the sloth is always perfectly hidden. Also, young sloths are so startlingly incompetent that they sometimes grab onto their own arms instead of a branch when hanging upside down, then let go with the other paw and fall straight out of the tree. And finally, this picture surfaced and was pretty much the nail in the coffin for the otter camp. http://img375.imageshack.us/img375/8670/otterhurrr... * PISSING IN THE POOL - Lots of people told us it's a myth that swimming pools contain a chemical that makes urine show up a tasty shade of blue. But personal thanks to Russell Parker of the BBC who writes, "As a child, I wondered the same thing. I tested the theory repeatedly. Results were negative. Hooray for experimental scientific investigation." Hooray for you, Russell. ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Double game special We a reader the other day who said, "I really miss the Friday game section." Well, we haven't abandoned it, but we only run it when we get a game we really like. And this week, we've got two. Huzzah. >> Hyperframe << You'll have to sit through an annoying ad first, but live with it, Hyperframe rocks. A 3d puzzle game, where you connect lines up on the cube. Gets increasingly hard, but wonderfully done, complete with amusingly crappy vocodered music. http://snipurl.com/hyperpoo >> Atom game << Another puzzle game. Can you spot the pattern here? We're not hardcore gamers at B3ta HQ and prefer a nice round of Freecell (or even Mario Kart double dash) to all that first-person shooter nonsense that sells Playstations. Anyway, this should keep you busy, alright? http://www.atome.bliesch.com/atome.php3 ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * OYSTER CARD GYMNASTICS - you know how people use their tube cards whilst still in their wallets? What's the biggest thing you can get it to read through? Or can you get through the gate by leaping on the reader with the card in your back-pocket with a vaulting motion? * MOULD CUPS - We've had a mug on our desk for nearly three weeks and it's grown an excitingly green furry coat. Can you go one better and grow mushrooms? * JEREMY KYLE - loving his no-holds-barred daytime talk show. His no-nonsense pronouncements, "Get out my studio! You're wasting my time!" have break-out cult hit written all over them. Can you make a Cillit-bang style techno track so the world can know his genius? Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by tallulahkit, noit88, cilla_the_gorilla, Chocolate Hostage, No Sprouts! zero rawbw, jasper kingjay, stevenmorgan, Hoosay, Parrot of doom, magictorch, *not logged in*, bloojam (formerly: Xeofox), elphantasmo, BadKittyDirtyKitty, Capuchin, jazz_potato, whatalittlemischief, niceandwarmandhot, jgtofts, paulcapewell, paulie, peter, billy and andys. Top Tippery by Sophie. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Proofing by the kate b4ta mossers. (104755 - 29215) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Trouble with a teething infant? Give them a slice of chilled cucumber. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive