we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 195 -"CAN GIVE YOU SOMETHING WITH A BLUE VEIN IN IT?" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * EVENT - Come and watch Rob talk on B3ta history * GAME - Fight the video aliens * PHALLUS - Microsoft's spunky cock ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Retro-style phone games << "Remember Gauntlet, Sensible Soccer, Robin Hood & Leisure Suit Larry!? TheMobileGamer.co.uk brings these classics to your phone and many, many more. Over 1200 games to choose from. We don't run rip-off subscriptions & we have the widest selection of mobile games anywhere!" http://www.themobilegamer.co.uk/retro-mobile-games... >> Grange Hill t-shirts << "Don't do it! Take the advice of a 15 year old at rock bottom. Get your Zammo 'JUST SAY NO' T-shirt from Teefly.com" http://www.teefly.com >> The IT Files - Episode 5 - Once Bitten << "Getting off to an explosive start with the prehistoric kit in his new lair, our intrepid Head of IT tests the office sprinkler system to its limits. Following the triumph of his upgrade, Mike discovers that being top dog doesn’t necessarily guarantee an easy life and that success sometimes comes back to bite you, later. See Mike in action." http://www.intel.co.uk/itfiles >> Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1 B3ta talk, Alien game & Wheatley vid >> "How We Saved The Web" << Ginger fuhrer Rob Manuel is set to take you on an entertaining romp through how he and his mates changed the face of the internet from their bedrooms. From singing kittens to teaching Buffy to say "Xylophone buggery", spotting shemale superstars before they were on TV, destroying a 20 million quid corporate re-branding scheme via the medium of flicking the V's, and encouraging people to get cancer by poaching eggs in cling film. It's at the King's Head Theatre, Islington on the 2nd of October, so get cracking on buying a ticket. WARNING: Watching this show might make you give up your job and accept your destiny of using the internet for mayhem. http://www.b3ta.com/calendar/event/345 >> Brilliant alien-fighting game << Hats off to Leoz for this charming video-based game. You control the hero as he uses common household items and lightning reactions to fight off the space aliens who have invaded his house and locked him in the toilet. http://uploads.ungrounded.net/259000/259908_movie.... >> 'Spitz' vid << Ah, the world of Ben Wheatley - what a dark little place it is. Here's an oddity about a government special agent on the dole. At least that's what we think it's about. Features a welcome appearance by the Mighty Bearded One - that is to say Ben - himself. http://www.mrandmrswheatley.co.uk/spitzfilm.html ------------------------------------------------- : ACCIDENTAL QUIMNUENDOS A slip of the tongue is worth two in the bush * On being asked for blue cheese in an delicatessen, "I'm afraid not madam but I can give you something with a blue vein in it." * On asking about a ladies earrings "Well, I need two studs to keep my holes open." * A mother on meeting her son's new girlfriend who'd previously been involved in a minor speedboat accident, "Is this the one you banged?" Stick yours in our box: http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Your Scary Neighbours Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes and lies into one handy place on the interweb. Last week we asked about your scary neighbours: http://b3ta.com/questions/scaryneighbours/ Here's a few we're glad we don't live next door to: * The Pyramid Family "When at university in York, our back garden joined onto several other people's gardens with fairly high fences between them. The third house around was inhabited by the scariest bunch of inbred weirdos you can imagine. There were about 426 of them living in that house and not one of them had a job. So how did they keep themselves busy all day? They spent about 6 weeks building a pyramid in their back garden. Yes, a pyramid. Practically full-size. Out of mud. As the days went by, we watched in disbelief as this family erected a three-metre-high ziggurat out of soil and paving slabs. I was like watching a termite colony in action. when they'd finally finished the pyramid they embedded a bathtub in the top. We never had the slightest idea why they did all this or what it was for, as, having finished it, they proceeded to act as if it wasn't there and went back to their other favourite pastime of lobbing rocks into our garden when we were trying to barbecue." (Olembe) * Sex-crazed old people "I live in Edinburgh. My neighbours were the most senile, nosey geriatrics that I have ever met. They had a bloody big dog that would rip your throat out soon as look at you. She called me "sonny" even though I'm a girl. They were in their eighties, but used to have the loudest, filth ridden sex my ears have ever heard. But that's not all, oh no. In order to keep time pumping the night away, he used to sing "Flower of Scotland" at the highest volume possible." (moogbook) * Science teacher "My next door neighbour used to be a middle aged woman who was a science teacher at my school. My bedroom window gave me a perfect view of her sunbathing topless in her garden. Now THAT was scary." (aphex puddle) We'd also like to sympathise with 'Peewee 13' for bravely putting up with a neighbour who keeps an assortment of coffins in the garden: http://www.b3ta.com/questions/scaryneighbours/post... >> This Week's Question << We'd like you to tell us things that have happened to you in the toilet. Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/toilets/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates. >> Runaway Ostrich << Ostrich farms were briefly popular in the 1980s when gullible yuppies were peddled the lie that ostrich meat was the new beef, and they should invest now and make millions. Unsurprisingly, they lost millions instead. Ha! Anyway, here's an amusing picture of some Japanese bike cops chasing a charging ostrich down a street. All it's missing is some Benny Hill music and an excitable banzai voice-over. http://www.joe-ks.com/archives_oct2004/RunawayOstr... >> Instant message prank << This chap set his messenger profile to "sexy girl" and routed all requests to chat to other people who were also attempting to chat to ladies. The level of self-deception in these chatlogs is phenomenal as both participants frequently admit to both being straight males, but still keep attempting to cyber with each other. We've linked to a funny one, but if you chop the URL you will find loads of this stuff and it's all great. http://pranked.hopto.org/chatlogs/albertmyint%20-%... >> Microsoft spunky cock << Our favourite Microsoft story isn't Donkey.bas (if you're geeky, google it) but the time when the Redmond boys sent out a clip-art CD, which when you searched for "monkeys" produced pictures of black people. A product-recalling happy accident of the models happening to be standing in front of monkey bars. God alone knows what to make of this bit of clip-art of an apparently jizzing penis. http://snipurl.com/microsoftspunkycock >> Customer complaints << Nothing more satisfying than reading the complaints logs of major companies. A friend of ours once nicked the duty log of Channel 4 and called up all the people who were moaning about the swearing and told them, "C4 thinks you are annoying twits." Enjoy this scatological description of a man's disquiet with being placed next to the bog on an aeroplane. Complete with drawings. http://67.19.222.106/travel/graphics/seat29e.pdf >> Snot boy << Gasp in revulsion at this video of a teenage boy blowing snot bubbles and them sucking them back in. The secret of success? Bogey jugglers swear by drinking a lot of mucusy milk. http://media.ebaumsworld.com/wmv/snotrocket.wmv ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Baby badgers If you search for "badgers" on Google, five out of the ten links on the first page of results are now for copies of Jonti's badger animation. Now, that is success. Imagine the power of owning the word badger? The other badger websites must be furious. Anyways, here's a charming picture of a couple of young badgers. http://www.weirfield.co.uk/downloads/badgers%20102... ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2 Monkey game, Squirrel toy & Internet chat thing >> Monkey space flyer << "Everyone loves monkeys," squeals Matazone. And he's pretty much on the money. So enjoy your week's dose of space monkey joy with his cracking inertia-based flying game - made to unite the world in peace and harmony, or so he claims. http://www.matazone.co.uk/animpages/mis/monkeys-in... >> Squirrel flasher << Always struggling to find the right way to send a message to that 'special someone'. Eclectech has tackled the problem head-on: put your words on the chest of a sniggering squirrel flasher, why not? http://eclectech.co.uk/message.php >> Chat to the internet << Give thanks to Ian Beveridge, for now you can chat with the internet; the mighty sum of all human knowledge just as if it was another of your little MSN chums. Give it a go. It doesn't make much sense, as these things never do. But it's entertaining nonsense. http://www.yeahbutisitart.com/chat-to-the-internet... ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Real Computer Games Challenge Each week we run a competition to test your creative skills. We set a challenge and you open Photoshop and mess with our heads. Last week we wanted you to imagine a world in which computer games were real. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/realcomputergames/ We asked b3ta boarder Extraordinarily Ordinary Damocles to judge the entries - here are his 3 faves. Extraordinarily Ordinary Damocles writes - #1 Meer Pong - a fantastic animation which made me chortle with its unexpected twist. (frogdoctor) http://www.b3ta.com/board/5053185 #2 Lemmypop Lady - a great idea for integrating those asylum seeking rodents into modern society. (Jonnyass) http://www.b3ta.com/board/5048842 #3 Save the Princess - I knew the whole drunk driver thing was a cover-up all along. The truth will out! (Mystery Bob) http://www.b3ta.com/board/5052467 >> This Week's Challenge << This week, the Challenge Dictator gave us the suggestion, "Pimp My Pet" http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/pimpmypet/ ------------------------------------------------- : EMAIL OF THE WEEK A pervert confesses To be honest we don't know what to make of some of the email we get. Presumably an entry for the quimnuendos section, it reads more like the confessions of a strange pervert. Take it away, Mr Baileco, "I was went to the Supermarket the to buy some Fajita Wraps. Being a hot day while, plenty of the women were wearing short skirts & shorts showing heaving cleavages whilst leaning down in the freezer sections. "Having lost all concentration & finding it difficult walking with a huge hard on I found a shop assistant and asked her, 'Where would I find the Vagina Wraps?' "I apologised profusely to the shocked assistant, I paid for the wraps & have never been back since." We wait keenly for next weeks email where he visits the corner shop and asks the shop-keeper, "Can I have a go on your cunt?" ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * INTERNET IS FOR PORN SONG IDENTIFIED - many, many readers wrote in and pointed out the song was taken from a Tony award-winning musical Avenue Q. Video clips are available on the site. BTW: What is a Tony award anyway? Does that mean it's "Grrrrreat!"? http://www.avenueq.com/videoclips.html * WORLD'S UGLIEST DOG, STILL UGLY - he's been a bit of a news sensation, old Sam, turning up on CNN and many news and review shows in the UK. He's now got his own blog and you can buy merchandise too. But the good bit is his nice, high quality close-up of his lovely face. How many claws can a dog have anyway? http://www.samugliestdog.com/images/Sammagnetweb.j... * BADGER CAKE - Sygiinu writes, "After subjecting my family to endless repetition of weebl's badgers toon & it being my 21st birthday this week, my Mum has made a badger badger badger badger, mushroom mushroom, oh it's a cake, it's a cake, cake!" Looks scrummy. Send us a slice? http://www.zen78688.zen.co.uk/Badger/cake.htm ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Jumpy block puzzle game The aim of the game is to remove all pieces by jumping on them. We're pretty sure we played some thing similar on the Spectrum back in the the day. But the concept still rocks, and it would make a great game for a mobile phone. http://lightforce.freestuff.gr/tilox.php ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * SCULPTING NEW SWEETS - apparently you can melt down Haribos and make new designs from the goo. Surely you can do better than this guy: http://www.silvergames.net/haribo.htm * FRYING AN EGG WITH A MOBILE PHONE - this site claims it works, but doesn't provide pictorial proof. Again, surely you can do better: http://www.wymsey.co.uk/wymchron/cooking.htm * BLACKING-UP - apparently unfashionable these days, but we dig it. Live a day blacked-up in London and photo / blog your experiences. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Links sent in by Weebop, jinaah, danthorne, giant_squid, RJT, Susy, ghs80llu88, Heffrey, simon shitting mason, gory laurie, ray monkey, makerofjam, teedyay & tom. Top Tippery by bacardincoke. Additional linkage and Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Proofing by the unique 'b4ta' New York. (104545 - 28235) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Get a free telly. A couple of months ago ASDA made all their security managers redundant in a cost saving exercise. In the first weekend since they were sacked they lost two flat screen TVs because there's no-one watching the cameras anymore. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive