we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 194 - "PEGGING" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * CATS - in sinks! * SONG - The Internet is for porn * DEATH - Cuddly pet coffins ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Does this look infected? << Protect your feet from disgusting infection! This site will teach you how to avoid highly contagious and disgusting infections such as hepatitis and cross-eyed'ism. The information you will find on this site is NOT medically certified, nor is it accurate whatsoever. http://www.doesthislookinfected.net >> Animal Welfare << The International Fund for Animal Welfare (IFAW) has released the results of an investigation, which found over 9,000 wild animals - alive and dead - for sale on the Internet in just one week. This trade is causing untold suffering to millions of animals and pushing endangered species to the brink of extinction. What we found will shock you. Check out: http://snipurl.com/wildjack >> Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : ACCIDENTAL QUIMNUENDOS A slip of the tongue is worth two in the bush * On the late delivery of an infant - "Well no, no-one wants a tardy baby." * In a delicatessen - "excuse me, does the cottage cheese come from your end?" * On sweeping the floor with a soft broom borrowed from a work-man, "ask him if he's got a stiff one?" Keep them coming. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Spinny album, Scissors, Cats & Goats >> Scissors Paper Stone << The secret of winning Scissor Paper Stone is to play scissors first. Why? Novice players feel that stone is the strongest hand, so will often start the game by counter-acting with paper. Scissors cut paper, and you're the winner now. Will it work with Weebl's video version of the game? Only those playing will find out. http://www.weebls-stuff.com/games/Scissors+Paper+S... >> Cats in Sinks << Cats always sit in the warmest place in the house. Rocky the b3ta cat likes to sit on the cooker. Not all cats are so smart, some choose to flout the kitty convention of fearing water and sit in the sink. BTW: Does your cat like drinking toilet water? It's because the tap water you put down tastes of washing-up liquid. Anyway, enough facts cribbed from Desmond Morris's Cat Watching book, just enjoy Fraser's collection of pictures. http://catsinsinks.com/ >> Spinny Album art quiz << Here's a little history lesson. Your red-haired umlaut Rob and his architectural-terrorist chum Doctor Chthonic have a small web-history in finding available sources of data on the net and working out how to game them. Examples include the early b3ta-hit "Which is Better?" which compared the Google results of contrasting phrases to settle all possible arguments and "What's That Song?" which filched audio-clips from Amazon in a name-that-tune style quiz. Their latest uses millions of album covers to produce a guess-the-album-art game. Oh, and it spins. And it's got annoying music. Huzzah. http://www.scenta.co.uk/music/crop_of_the_pops.cfm >> Dance dance gabba goat << Last sunday we visited the Kentish Town City Farm and met a lovely goat called Floppy. Assuming he was so-called due to his big, floppy ears, we asked the farmer, expecting a cute story. We were wrong. Apparently he's impotent. Poor Floppy. Anyway, here's Son of Crazymum's version of Dance Dance Revolution with a pilled-up goat. Perhaps that was Floppy's problem. http://www.crazymum.com/goat.htm ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Injured Siblings Last week we wanted to know just how much physical and psychological damage you'd caused your siblings: http://b3ta.com/questions/injuredsiblings/ * Revenge served smack in the face "After years and years of suffering pain at the hands of elder brother - including being slammed off my parents' bed, having a fish knife thrown into my skull, thrown down a flight of stairs into the porch window, and the 'alphabet game' (I'd be bundled to the floor, kicked into a small ball with a chair on my back. He'd then go through the alphabet and, at the letter R he'd push the chair down as hard as he could) - I decided to challenge him one night to a pillow fight. His spotty face filled with glee as he charged towards me with his duck feather-filled delight thinking he was about to give his little brother another sound beating. I caught him square in the face as he sprinted forward and knocked the cunt spark out. He hadn't bargained on me sticking a 2 inch thick wooden bread board inside my pillow case. To this day my favourite noise in the whole wide world is 'thunk'." (Lets all have an asbo) * Cunning "I once persuaded my brother to hold a knife between the gas cooker hob and the spark mechanism jobby while I pressed the button. The shock made him throw the knife into the ceiling so hard pieces of plaster rained down. I've never laughed so hard." (donksta) * I will burn in Hell for this "My sister is deaf. Once, when she was hoovering, I pulled the electrical plug out of the socket. This was unnoticed. I am a bad person." (The username Username is already in use) >> This Week's Question << We want to know all about your neighbours. Just how mad are they? http://b3ta.com/questions/scaryneighbours/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates. >> Cat cyborg << When his cat lost the use of his rear-legs in a tragic truck accident, robot engineer cum modern-day Dr. Frankenstein, Carlo Bertocchini knew just what to do: construct a wheeled sarcophagus to help him regain his mobility. The poor little kitty - he seems utterly baffled as to why he's stuck in an uncontrollable, spinning box. The doctor's missus should watch out in case he reverses over her 'accidentally'. http://www.robotcombat.com/video/elvis_hi.mov >> Vibrating Pope Barometer << Gone, but not forgotten - the memory of Pope John Paul II lives on in the form of this lovely colour-changing barometer. It's how he would want to be remembered. Although quite where the vibrating bit comes in, we can't imagine. Catholic guilt? http://www.doomworld.com/metabolist/b3ta/beyond-be... >> Alan Cumming - The perfume << Alan Cumming is one of our favourite Scottish bisexual actors, appart from Robbie Coltrane and Sean Connery. Not really sure if this is a gag or not, but either way it's pretty funny - a good gift for your uncool, Simpsons tie-wearing gay friends. http://cummingthefragrance.com/commercial2.htm >> The Internet is for porn << 80% of web traffic is pornography. The other 20% is people looking for porn. Facts that have been recognised and turned into song by some TV web puppet twats. Quite possibly the best song of the year. Time to raise your game, Tina Turner. http://forporn.ytmnd.com/ >> Cuddly pet coffins << So Tiddles died and you feel lonely? Don't worry. Why not have him cremated and the ashes put inside a stuffed toy that you can take to bed and cuddle up with? Widowers, why not try sticking your dead wife's ashes up a RealDoll's rubber cunt? Pretty much the same kind of thing, no? http://www.comfortpets.com/ >> Gadget news 1985 << Nerd website Engadget decided to celebrate the 20th anniversary of Teen Wolf Too by dedicating an issue to technology from 1985. "Someday we’ll all have phones as portable as the 11-pound Mobira Talkman." It's thrashing the same joke again and again, but you know what? It's always funny. http://www.engadget.com/entry/1234000430055334/ >> Film nerd hits back << Harry Knowles is the ginger blancmange behind maverick movie gossip site Aintitcool. Entourage is an HBO show about the useless hangers-on in a film star's life. Last week it featured a character very similar to Mr. Knowles being taken up the arse by three beautiful dildo-wearing ladies. Read the response here. BTW: This kind of sexual act is known as 'pegging'. http://www.aintitcool.com/tb_display.cgi#953484 ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Baby monkey People often mistake apes for monkeys and vice versa. We don't know what this guy is, although we suspect he's a gibbon. Whichever one he is, though, he's still a little cutie. http://prizepics.com/Animals/monkey%20baby.jpg ------------------------------------------------- : POURING SALT INTO OPEN WOUNDS it's funny names corner Oh Jesus mother of fuck, we really can't be bothered with this shit anymore. So we'll do it quickly. First off we have engineering group Johnson Pump, "your solution for liquid transport", apparently. Next, the masturbatory inspired electrical generator company, Onan "provides the power that keeps you going", owned by the appropriately-named Cummins.com. And finally, Dan Thompson points out that his local car wash in Doncaster rejoices in the name "Mr Hand Job." We wonder, does he offer a 'happy' wax and finish? ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Hypnotism and Acronyms Challenge Results Each week we run a competition to test your creative skills. We set a challenge and you open Photoshop and mess with our heads. Last week the Challenge Dictator demanded to know how hypnotism could be used for evil. B3ta regular The State Of Yemen was asked to judge the entries - this is what he thought: The State Of Yemem writes - #1 Come To Fluffeh - Because we all know this is a skill cats already possess. Plus it made me giggle like a loon. (finnbar) http://www.b3ta.com/board/5023409 #2 Subliminal Burger - One of the more subtle subliminal message entries, I liked this because I didn't get it the first time. Then I laughed. Then I laughed some more. Then I killed my friend. (evilcoffee) http://www.b3ta.com/board/5025832 #3 He's Going to Get Some - Fantastically subtle, as opposed to some of the other entries of this type. Also a lovely style that makes it all the more amusing. (Tahkcalb) http://www.b3ta.com/board/5021216 Two weeks ago week we wanted you to tell us what acronyms really stood for. http://b3ta.com/challenge/acronyms/ We asked b3ta boarder farmboy to judge the entries - here are his 3 faves. farmboy writes - #1 NWA - I like the rather well rendered knitwear. Kudos for making Ice Cube look like a great big Hom-boy. (Leningrad) http://www.b3ta.com/board/5001386 #2 DKNY - I can picture the game now, swinging from skyscraper to skyscraper, swatting hijacked planes and throwing barrels at Mayor Giuliani... (Onion Terror) http://www.b3ta.com/board/5008429 #3 ADIDAS - A smart-arse entry. But in a 'I wish I'd thought of that' kind of way. Grrr. (monkeon) http://www.b3ta.com/board/5011005 >> This Week's Challenge << This week, Squiggy suggested that we reveal what life would be like if computer games were real. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/realcomputergames/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * HEX CLOCKS - ooh bloody years ago Rob made a hex clock and stuck it on Cafepress for you lucky people to buy. Not actually expecting anyone to actually purchase one. But they did. We have photographic proof. http://flickr.com/photos/adactio/30957385/ * MORE HEX CLOCKS - keeping the hexacological dream alive Hudders has made a Konfabulator version of said quality merchandise for free! Taking the food from Rob's mouth - the cunt. http://www.widgetgallery.com/view.php * ODD FOODS - ChemistryDan writes, "I used to crunch up 5 or 6 long strands of raw spaghetti, then when it was a bit sticky, I'd compress the mashed up pasta against the roof of my mouth to make a flat biscuity type creation. This I would then place on the radiator for drying and consumption at a later time." We only mention this as we used to do the same, sometimes substiting the mouth for a cup of tea, making a lovely pasta-soup-tea. ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Leapy stickman game Enjoyed this inertia based take on the Manic Miner game, leap about like a furious pig and collect the objects. Tricky controls and great gameplay. Much like our cocks. http://70.84.34.106/~mediaun/ngame.swf ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * COIN COCKS - the Royal Mint is holding a competition to design new UK coinage. Your body weight in new 2ps if you enter and win and manage to get a penis onto the back of the Queens head. http://snipurl.com/ilovecocks * MORE POLITICIANS DEAD - Mo Mowlam and Robin Cook are a good start, but there's still work to do. * SOME SORT OF SURVEY - correlating penis size to the browser people use. Let's settle the browser wars once and for all. We'd certainly read it anyway. And so would Slashdot. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Links sent in by dutchbird, niall_mackinnon, sheldrick_s, Woodside59, julie3, bloojam, Azra3l, dodge.jtr, Leningrad, chiff_chiff, pete & shane.tomkinson. Top Tippery by Mrs Google who also mentioned that contary to popular belief, dolphins do not have pre-hensile cocks. Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob. Proofing by the thieving b4ta magpies. (104666 - 27959) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Stop cheese from sweating by removing the plastic packaging and wrapping it in tin foil. This will also prevent the alien brain lasers from reading your cheese. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive