we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 193: "THANK GOODNESS FOR AIDS" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * CUTE - Best sleepy dog ever * EGGS - Where babies really come from? * McDONALDS - Filthy photos ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : ACCIDENTAL QUIMNUENDOS A slip of the tongue is worth two in the bush * On being accused of filching boyfriend's Woolworths vouchers for clothes - "If I could get into a 10 year old girl's jeans I wouldn't be sat here with you." In a packed family pub. * Upon entering a famous Leeds gay club and checking my pocket for cigarettes before handing my coat in to the cloakroom - "Oooh. There's more fags in here than I thought" * On being offered some food by a friend's sexy mum, replying: "I don't want to eat you out..." (drops tea on lap and forgets to say "of house and home") Keep them coming: http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates. >> Egg babies << Tiny little perfectly-formed babies, encased in a delicate egg-shell. Yes, absolutely vile is right. All it needs is one bursting out of its shell, squealing and covered in slimy mucus. http://www3.telus.net/camilleallen/camilleallen/id... >> AIDS! << Ever since reading on some random blog, "My mother hates London, she says it gave my brother AIDS" we've become obsessed with the word AIDS. It's a childish trigger we know, and we're complete idiots of course, but phrases like "no, I don't like it, it's got AIDS" or "I don't think it's colic, he's just got a bit of baby AIDS" are two-a-penny at B3ta HQ. Hence our infantile enjoyment of this 1970s advert for a slimming product called Ayeds. Close enough for us, and the dialogue is to die for. http://snipurl.com/weightlossaids >> JCB song << Lovely style animation about getting a ride in your dad's JCB and causing a traffic jam. Gently nostalgic and not too bad at all. http://www.jcbsong.co.uk/jcbvideo.asp >> Balancing Point << The music's relaxing, the camera trickery is clever - these guys knocked down piles of stones then reversed the film. Slow start, but pretty funny when the short guy starts making like some sort of stone-stacking magic ninja. http://www.ifilm.com/ifilmdetail/2677576 >> Celebrity blu-tak << Don't know what the brainwave was behind this little cottage industry. But if you're wanting a blu tak sculpture of a random celebrity, this is clearly the premier place for it. http://search.ebay.co.uk/_W0QQsassZsjoukels >> McFilth << Here's what looks to be a behind-the-counters expose of the dirt and squalor you get free when you order a burger from a popular High Street fast food chain. Frankly, you might as well eat at home. http://www.genmay.com/showthread.php ------------------------------------------------- : WEB DESIGNERS OF THE WEEK Because all web design is shit >> River Thames moved << FACT: Along the 213-mile long Thames, a body is retrieved from the river on average every week. FACT: Your average life expectancy on falling in the Thames is two minutes. However, you're in luck, the Thames has now moved. Yay. http://greenwich2000.com/today/fun-n-fact/thames.h... >> The Shining school of Web Design << Apparently this woman has taken the Jack Torrence (the Shining) web design class. http://people.ku.edu/~drevin13/prints/index.html ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Sleepy dog Goth rocker Wayne Hussey once cunningly reworked the famous aphorism, "let sleeping dogs lie", as "let sleeping dogs die" with the same sort of lyrical dexterity that Noel Gallagher used for changing "Look Back in Anger" to "Don't Look Back in Anger." Anyway. Here's a cute picture of a restful pup. Hopefully not owned by Wayne Hussey. Why, because then he'd be doomed to never wake. Brrrr. http://snipurl.com/corgi ------------------------------------------------- : TOP OF THE CROPS Innocent messages obscured for merriment Sky has recently been screening 'Celebrity Mingers', a charming production where handsome TV execs point out that our celebrities aren't quite as pretty as themselves. We particularly enjoyed this accidental cropping of the title; our money is on Lisa Tarbuck. http://www.thehomelessdetective.com/bbcm.jpg ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Konfabulators, James Nesbitt & Soggy biscuit >> Konfabulator: B3ta image viewer << A couple of weeks ago we announced Dave Barton's lovely Konfabulator widget that allows you to view B3ta images on your desktop. He's now updated it so that it can view images directly from the board and it's quite fantastic. Right, so first you need to install Konfabulator. http://www.konfabulator.com/download Then you need to run the widget. http://www.b3ta.com/download/b3ta.widget >> Buy Pep's pixelly James Nesbitt << James Nesbitt is a smug-faced UK actor, most famed for appearing in adverts for a distinctly broadband service. B3ta's official designer, Pep, was recently commissioned to render him in loving pixels for an advertising campaign. However the client decided they wanted "something a bit less... pixelly." Poor little pixelly James is now homeless, can you help? http://www.wontsomeonepleasebuymyjamesnesbittdrawi... >> Soggy biscuit demo << "I've made a video", boasts Gandalf,"where I explain how to play the game 'soggy biscuit' with a bit of a demonstration added on for good measure." We loved this, up until the money shot. Remember Gandalf, less is more. http://snipurl.com/soggybiscuit ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Crappy Prizes Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes and lies into one handy place on the interweb. Last week we asked for the genuinely rubbish things you'd won in competitions: http://b3ta.com/questions/crappyprizes/ * Worst ever meet and greet "On the last Britney tour in the US, ten lucky winners were invited backstage to meet their idol. Overjoyed and dumbstruck with excitement they were taken into Miss Spears' dressing room where one of her assistants turned on a VCR and played a video message thanking them for being fans. The video ended with Britney telling the fans how much she loved them but was too busy to meet them in person." (notquitewithit) * The suitcase lottery "Airports auction off any unclaimed luggage left on their carousel. 'Cause I was a bit pissed I decided to bid... I waited for a battered looking one to come up and bid thirty quid, fully expecting someone to outbid me, but I only went and won it! "Wooo!" thought I, "I've gone and got myself a suitcase full of treasure. It's probably got gold and diamonds and crowns and treasure maps in." Looking back, I might have been slightly optimistic... The blue, slightly knackered suitcase/bag-thing was lighter than I expected, but then again, I've never picked up a bag full of gold. Got it home, broke the lock... Opened it up... Peered inside, and found absolutely fuck all. If you ever meet someone who says, "I once left an empty suitcase at Bristol airport. Ha-ha-ha." can you go whoops-upside-his-head for me please, and ask for, nay demand, my thirty pounds?" (grr_boy) * Long distance Balloons "I once entered a competition at a school fete, aged about 7, where you tied your name and address to a balloon and let it go, and whoever got a reply from furthest away within two weeks won a full football kit. Most people's never came back, but one kid got a reply from an English couple who'd found his balloon on a beach resort in Portugal - he got the prize. Mine was presumed lost, and forgotten about. Forgotten about, that is, until about three months later, when I received a shockingly abusive letter threatening legal proceedings from some red-neck dickhead in South Carolina. Bizarrely, he reckoned I owed him about $4,000 in medical bills. Turns out he'd fallen from his garage roof and shattered his pelvis while trying to remove the remnants of my balloon from his TV aerial." (grey kid) >> This Week's Question << We're feeling generous. Give us your teenage poetry and we'll make sure the whole world can read it. Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/teenagepoetry/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from Jim Davidson Challenge Each week we run a competition to test your creative skills. We set a challenge and you open Photoshop and mess with our heads. Last week we wanted you to imagine a world in which Jim Davidson was prime minister. http://b3ta.com/challenge/jimdavidson/ We asked b3ta boarder steben to judge the entries - here are his 3 faves. steben writes - #1 "Number Ten - Simply brilliant, picking up the topic in such a subtle way. Not the only image that dealt with the white thing, but for me it was the funniest. Awesome indeed. (Zak McFlimby) http://www.b3ta.com/board/4972764 #2 "Tonight's Telly - Since almost all the Nazi-Hitler-Pictures were a little bit too obvious, I give the silver medal to this. It just made me giggle. (Pacheypie) http://www.b3ta.com/board/4982554 #3 "Butterfly Brain - I thought about 3rd place for a long time. Then I saw this and started to laugh. I don't know why, seriously. It's a butterfly!" (nhojjohn) http://www.b3ta.com/board/4977339 >> This Week's Challenge << This week, b3ta contributor The Great Architect gave us the suggestion, "What acronyms really stand for" http://b3ta.com/challenge/acronyms/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * INAPPROPRIATE NAMES FOR DISABILITY PRODUCTS - "I frequently have to deal with Remploy, who proudly state they are 'Finding Jobs for Disabled People'. Of course, no-one in the industry has the guts to point out their name is a compounding of "Remedial" and "Employ". Either the founders were geniuses with a black sense of humour or they were fucking window lickers." * BUCK-TOOTHED FREAKS - last week we asked you to photograph your kids chewing plastic plug covers, in a sad attempt to emulate rabbits. Social Hand Grenade put his daughter through the small humiliation: http://tinypic.com/a4tngz.jpg Whilst Marty Hopkirk simply photographed himself: http://snipurl.com/bucktoothedfreak ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * SHIT / WEIGHT EXPERIMENT - How much food/drink does the body actually store? Weigh your food as it goes in, and weigh what comes out. Take photos. The internet is yours if you want it. * 'TESCO VALUE' DIET - Can you eat nothing but the Tesco Value range for a week without becoming a little poorly? With 2 litres of cola at 18p and a tin of beans for even less, you could eat for a week for about a fiver. Or would you die? * PLAYING CHICKEN - We were always warned at school not to play chicken with cars. Spoilsports - it sounds fun. Maybe drive your car at the chicken-suited fools that hang around outside Nandos. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Jools, offmessage, Mr Gear, Mystery Bob, richlight, leo brown, thefoggypoo, boot, thehomelessdetective, arksworld, Mr Droll, dom, kv, Golden_guns247, FrankZappa174, wormburn69, mharrison and Mrs Lizard. Top Tippery by this_is_cp and blattermaus. Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Image challenge handled by Fraser as well. He's a busy fellah. Proofing by the hooded b4ta rapists. (104367 - 28036) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIPS: When microwaving soup, avoid scalding your fingers, or getting soup on your oven gloves, when serving. Simply use two slices of bread as insulating gloves - not only will your hands be burn-free but you can eat any spillages later! NOT A TOP TIP: Want to find out what a tiny horse would sound like? Simply find two halves of pistachio nut shell and tap them together. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive