we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 192: "RE-LAUNCH, B3TA FOOD NEWSLETTER, HOPE YOU LIKE OUR NEW DIRECTION" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * FOOD - Garden snail risotto * MORE FOOD - Unexpected cheese combos * ENDLESS FOOD - What's in your fridge? ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're eating the web ___/ _ |/_ > Waggle it, just a little bit << B3ta readers are renowned for their well-honed digits. But are you finger-fit enough to win a spanking new digital camera, or an iPod mini? Fingers ready... Set... Go... Play now with the Observer Sport Monthly. http://www.fromstarttofinish.co.uk >> Track your drinking mates with buddyPing << Are you Billy No-mates? Fed up of drinking yourself into a stupor all alone? Do something about it and find what your friends are up to using buddyPing. It lets you know where they are, what they are up to and what the best deals are in the pubs and clubs around you on your mobile for free. http://www.buddyping.com >> Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Frasers snail snack & new CCC newspaper hoax >> Eating garden pests << According to the French, if the snail wears his "horns" high, tomorrow will be fine weather. According to Fraser, it's dinner time. Our resident povo gourmet has been gathering slimey pests from his garden and preparing them for the pot. BTW: Fraser is organising an African bushmeat barbecue this weekend (complete with zebra-burgers) and thank God we're going to a wedding instead. http://www.blogjam.com/2005/08/02/garden-snail-ris... >> Mangled animal newspaper stunt << God bless CCC, he clearly does no work in his office as he's been spoofing his local papers again. This week's trick - entering digitally disfigured beasts into a 'cutest pet' competition. Sadly, he's been rumbled but the expose article is worth a read, he's apparently forced the judges to conduct "forensic tests" on all further entries. http://www.preciouspetscompetition.blogspot.com ------------------------------------------------- : ACCIDENTAL QUIMNUENDOS A slip of the tongue is worth two in the bush * On having had too many eclairs at an office party - "I can't handle all this cream, does anyone want to lick my box out?" * Phoning tech support about a stuck key on a keyboard - "I'm having problems with my colon." * Upon noticing an unfamiliar name in an email 'Who's Randy?' Send your accidental quimnuendos to http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates. >> Star Wars in Engrish << An oldie, but a goodie; this guy got hold of a Chinese pirate DVD of Revenge of the Sith. The disc has English subtitles (translated from the Chinese). Can this really be the same flick? Can you place the line, "He big in nothing, important in good elephant"? http://snipurl.com/ghzc >> Ketchup crapper << Brilliant idea; a nimble robot that whizzes up across the table and takes a big shit of ketchup all over your dinner. We like the excessive snickering all the way through this video. Clearly the inventors were surprised by the funniness of their ungainly creation. http://snipurl.com/catsupcrappervideo >> Post your fridge << We're always quite interested looking at other peoples' shopping in the supermarket. This takes things one stage further and lets you look inside other peoples' fridges. What's the story with the guy with nothing but fizzy drink, all in neat little rows? Child molester. http://fotovanjekoelkast.web-log.nl/ >> Floating cats << We're in awe of this amazing high-speed photography of moggies leaping. They look like they're in zero-gravity with velcro paws. We also wish Rocky the b3ta cat would get off his fat arse and leap for ham. http://snipurl.com/gojc >> Misheard circumcision lyric << The Finnish version of the Duck Tales theme sounds very much, to an English-speaker's ear, like an anti-circumcision song. The joy of this is that the less likely the lyrics, the more plausible they seem when you hear the actual tune. Altogether now, "And Sanskrit ain't got hoot to say 'bout uncut! Oohh!" http://uncutohh.ytmnd.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : UNEXPECTED CHEESE COMBOS How can something so wrong taste so good? * GORGONZOLA & FROSTIES - Baron Greenback writes, "One night at uni all we could find to eat was gorgonzola & Frosties. The taste sensation was amazing, the only time in my life I have experienced visuals from something I've eaten. (what a lie -- ed.) "Take a small piece of the cheese followed by a clump of Frosties in the mouth & chew together - simply divine. Justified by: Milk is one step away from cheese (you have milk on Frosties) and Frosties are one step away from biscuits (you have cheese & biscuits)." * ALMOST CHEESECAKE - Red-haired umlaut Rob adds, "Oddly enough, I invented a new dish the other day: hobnobs + laughing cow cheese triangles = almost cheesecake. Suprisingly moreish and almost delicious. Do you have any unusual food combinations that you've previously reserved for your private enjoyment? Please share. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : EAT SHIT AND DIE It's funny names corner >> Spanner << "An organization dedicated to improving the quality of life for young people with developmental disabilities." But it's called SPANNER. Err, do they actually know that that's slang word for 'thickie'? Or is it just clever viral spack-marketing? http://www.myspanner.com/ >> David Ponce << B3ta gives a hearty welcome to the new tech blog Gizmodo editor, David Ponce. He'll be reviewing iPods and living off the immoral earnings of prostitutes. Presumably. http://snipurl.com/davidponce ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Weird Traditions Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes and lies into one handy place on the interweb. Last week we asked for strange traditions: http://b3ta.com/questions/weirdtraditions/ * Xmas Tradition "I live in a city with a large transient population of workers. There was a tradition at one place to pick up and take the biggest horror to the xmas bash, the winner getting a prize. One year a new guy chatted up a pig-in-knickers in a local bar at the start of December. They were getting on like a house on fire till he dropped the question of inviting her to said do, when she decked him and said "You Cunt, I won it last year." (montyzuma) * Best tradition ever... "is the so called "Clausen-Treiben". St Nicolas Day (Dec 6th) evening young men in our village dress up in wild costumes made of fur, animals heads and antlers, wearing large cow bells around their waist and carrying wooden sticks. After dark they start roaming the village beating up EVERYONE they see on the streets. They go from house to house, ask for a drink (which they usually get) until they are drunk (which takes quite a while). It is based on a medieval tradition meant to fight the ghosts of winter. It is quite a shitty tradition if you are the one who gets beaten up though. To give you an idea I've uploaded a photo." (RedWine) http://images.b3tan.de/klausen2.jpg * Military is grand for Tradition... ..."but by the strangest of all the traditions in my regiment was a decision making process for cleaning up spent shells when on exercise. We'd just shot a few thousand rounds between us, with spent cartidges littering up the shooting bays. The method of deciding which half of the squad had to clean them up was simple - all the grunts would lie on their backs, kick their legs in the air and the first one to fart would be the team who got first back to the NAAFI for tea, whilst the rest would be on their hands and knees for the best part of an hour picking up spent ordanance. Happy days...." (Waynster) >> This Week's Question << We'd like you to tell us about the worst prizes you've won. Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/crappyprizes/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Power Strike Challenge Each week we run a competition to test your creative skills. We set a challenge and you open Photoshop and mess with our heads. Last week we wanted you to show us a world without electricity: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/powerstrike/ We asked b3ta boarder 'Mofaha' to judge the entries - here are his 3 faves. Mofaha writes - #1 "Plasma ball - This was probably the most original entry in the challenge. It's a beautifully-made image, but really it's the idea that wins it for this one. Superb. (The Coast of Yemen) http://www.b3ta.com/board/4952533 #2 "Microsoft Windows - This made me giggle like a schoolgirl for some reason. I don't know, there's just something perfect about Bill as a windows salesman. He looks so proud and hopeful standing there with his demonstration model in his hand. (Samwidge) http://www.b3ta.com/board/4942398 #3 "Doctor Jones - I like bad puns and I cannot lie. And these really are some bad puns. Plus the picture's very funny, and the cat is great. (JoeB) http://www.b3ta.com/board/4946702 >> This Week's Challenge << This week, The Challenge Dictator wants us to imagine life with Jim Davidson, Britain's top family entertainer, as Prime Minister: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/jimdavidson/ ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * KITTENS WITH AIDS - a comic strip. "Oh noes! I've got super aids. I'll be dead within a week" mewed Tumbles. * 3-PIN RABBITS - PeterJ writes,"Ever wondered why new electrical gadgets come with a plastic thing that covers the three pins of the plug (in the UK)? Put the long (earth) pin-cover in your mouth, leave the other two outside and you look like a rabbit. I discovered this with my children, and planned to send a photo, but after a bit of playing around we couldn't find the plastic bit. I expect one of them swallowed it." Anybody else fancy risking their childrens' health to provide us a few moments' amusement on an idle Friday? * ARABIC PUB ROCK THING - Arabic is read from right to left. We'd like to see a group of traditional Arabic musicians tackle a bit of Quo, by playing the music from right to left. It would probably sound shit. But, hey, you never know. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Links sent in by fredsotheremail, adam_coglan, ben_dadds, pep, dezh, chetchez, philevans, Laughing Boy, ozz1lla, Wayland_smithy, muteboy nattyplatypus, mooreeasyvibe, crayongirl and Mr Wheatley. Top Tippery by icklepeach and blattermaus. Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob. Proofing by the picky b4ta pickles. (104245 - 27855) NERD JOKE: What sits on your shoulder and goes 'Pieces of seven'? A parroty error. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: If long hair clogs your drain, squirt Veet (formerly known as Immac) down the plug, leave for 3 mins and rinse - fixed! NOT THE TOP TIP: Fool your mates into thinking you have just eaten a yummy jam tart, simply by rubbing your belly and saying "Mmmm, that was a yummy jam tart." next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive