we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 191: "HAVE YOU SEEN THE SIZE OF MY CRACK?" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * ROSS KEMP - TV Hardman gurns for Britain * VIDS - Slow-mo film trickery * WORDS - Accidental quimnuendos ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Vegan Whopper! << "You might enjoy", states Kirby Ferguson, "our commercial parody about a super-sized vegan restaurant." We do enjoy it, it's actually rather fantastic. http://www.goodiebag.tv/video/ttt.htm >> Ross Kemp << One for our UK readers here. Acrim & Oz write, "We made a loop of Ross Kemp's face from a documentary he was in and couldn't stop laughing at it for about an hour after." What can we say? At 3 O clock this morning this seemed the funniest thing the world. http://www.rosskemp.co.uk/ >> DIY Office weapons << "Regarding last week's office bow & arrow", gripes CMU, "I've been making crap like that at work for years. Bloody newcomers, I dunno." Woo. We particularly like the ballista and the wind-up car. Although the catapult is more of a crapapault. http://deeperbeige.com/site/silly/boredatwork/crea... ------------------------------------------------- : ACCIDENTAL QUIMNUENDOS Errors of the furry cup The hot topic of conversation this week at B3ta HQ has been about the times you've said something quite innocent and only afterwards, when the sniggering started, you realised exactly what you've uttered. Our favourites include: * On vegetarianism, "How could anyone munch on something furry?" * To the gay gardener, "Kevin, what do you think about my bush?" * On visiting a garage with a broken windshield, "Have you seen the size of my crack?" * A mum to her son's new red-haired girlfriend, "I love ginger pussies" (they'd just got a new cat.) ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates. >> Slow-mo film trickery << People's faces - wobblier than you'd think. These high-speed camera vids let you watch at a normal pace things that usually happen very quickly. The best ones are the slaps and the tongue-waggling. As ever. http://www.engr.colostate.edu/~dga/high_speed_vide... >> Thai wives << This is Brian - he's lovely. As if the whole mail order bride-type deal wasn't creepy enough, check out this testimonial by a satisfied customer. Brr. You can practically feel the slight embarrassment of everyone around him - and he's the best they could come up with! http://www.thai-wives.co.uk/ >> Rosie Grier's 'Needlepoint for Men' << He's big and butch and he doesn't care if you think needlework is for sissies. This series of photos comes from his 1973 magnum opus. Obviously women shouldn't be tempted to try any of these patterns out - they are far too testosterone-packed. http://snipurl.com/flickrrr >> Crap drugs << Students like drugs, students have no money to buy drugs and, hey, maybe don't want to break the law. What to do? What to do? Why not test out some of those ridiculous 'high from household objects' stories we've all heard. Charming in its very shiteness. http://www.grimsplayground.co.uk/freddy/pics/drugs... >> Porcupined dog << Poor, or perhaps pathologically foolish, mutt. Looks like it didn't just try to chase a porcupine, but persisted in biting it and holding on in defiance of all common sense. Ouch. http://snipurl.com/gl1t >> Date Lance << Funny joke, or workplace bullying? Lance's workmates reckon he just needs to meet a nice girl and to this end bought a huge billboard ad calling for applicants and set up a website to deal with enquiries. It doesn't seem to have occurred to them that he might just be a member of the gays on the quiet - he is from Utah. http://www.datelance.com/index.html >> Maxwell's Silver Hammer << Nicely-executed cartoon that managed the tricky task of getting us to enjoy one of our least favourite Beatles songs. The charming tale of a serial killer and his favourite weapon. http://snipurl.com/gl1s >> Schoolkid forums << This is a good reason why it's a bad idea to allow secondary school children anonymous, unmoderated access to the school yearbook. A sweary, puerile treat. http://snipurl.com/gl1r >> Magic mural man << Well, okay, there really isn't any magic. But what's amazing in these pics is how much difference a bit of paint makes to ugly, blocky buildings. http://jimvestments.com/mural/ ------------------------------------------------- : THE PAINFUL RETURN of funny names corner Let us introduce you to Dr Tits. * Dr. Tits received a 1985 NSF Presidential Young Investigator Award. * Dr. Tits' main research interests lie in various aspects of numerical optimization. * Dr. Tits' group have developed software packages. He also has a quite lovely beard. http://www.enee.umd.edu/~andre/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2 B3ta FP widget & Tech support animation >> Konfabulator: B3ta image viewer << Keen web watchers will have read the news of Yahoo buying Konfabulator. This tech is pretty exciting stuff, as it allows you to run mini applications (or widgets) based on websites on your desktop, and it doesn't care if you're on a Mac or PC. Dave Barton has bashed up a quickie that takes the images from the front page of our website and then sticks them in a lovely little frame on your desktop. Great for decorating your second monitor (if you're posh, like, and have two.) Right, so first you need to install Konfabulator. http://www.konfabulator.com/download Then you need to run the widget. All we need now is LCD wallpaper so we can decorate our house with lovely gifs. http://www.b3ta.com/download/b3ta.widget >> Tech support woes << "Myself and a colleague have come up with this", screams 'Rolf Harris', "a character called Jebs and we've animated in 3D a fantastic sketch of him as the office technical support guy." Woo. This is all, like, properly animated and stuff. How nice. http://www.weakendproductions.co.uk/movs/jebsjobs.... ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Weddings Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes and lies into one handy place on the interweb. Last week we asked for your wedding stories: http://b3ta.com/questions/weddings/ Here's a selection of the shorter ones: * No one wants to upset a blind man "At a cousin's wedding reception, I noticed another reception in the hotel next door. I have an uncle who's blind and a bit of a laugh. He lent me his dark glasses and stick. Cue me walking down the line of bride, groom and family in the hotel next door, doing the shaking hand bit, and telling them what a lovely ceremony it had been. They were all pointing at me and mouthing "Who's he?"... I then asked the DJ to play a Stevie Wonder tune, and stood in the middle of the empty dance floor doing my best Stevie Wonder playing the piano impression. Half way through the tune I had to do a runner because I could hold back the laughter any more." (Edenmonster) * Welcome to the Family, son "I was invited to the wedding of one of my home town's largest criminal families (I was very matey with bride's brother). The bride was 17, the groom 30. She was obviously knocked up. He was at least 22 stone. All went smoothly until the groom's mates thought they'd help themselves to the wedding cake using their hands, before the happy couple had cut it. The bride's family took umbrage to this, particularly the bride's brother who promptly plunged the cake knife into the best man's stomach. All hell broke loose, with chairs, tables, bottles, glasses and cutlery being thrown. My most lasting memories of the evening had to be the bride slipping over on the best man's rapidly pooling blood - concussing herself - and the bride's father lovingly stamping on his new son-in-law's head whilst screaming 'Cunt! Cunt!'" (bigmeuprudeboy) * Mr and Mrs Bishop "I was 10, it was my cousin's wedding, and there was champagne by the bucketload, with lots and lots of half empty glasses lying around. I decided to be helpful and finish them up for the nice people. Pretty soon I was unable to work out why everyone was smiling and laughing at me (apparently drunk 10 year olds are quite easy to spot). Speech time came and at the end of it my uncle proposed a toast to the happy couple, Mr and Mrs Bishop... I jumped up onto the table and hollered, "to Madge and Harold!" (starfish) ...And the best response to the "any lawful impediment to this couple being married" question has to be 'browser's friend's brother who shouted "cos he's a fucking gaybo" at the top of his voice. >> This Week's Question << We'd like to know the strange traditions that have been imposed on you. Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/weirdtraditions/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Real Life Logos Challenge Each week we run a competition to test your creative skills. We set a challenge and you open Photoshop and mess with our heads. Last week we wanted you to close photoshop for a change and recreate corporate logos with everyday objects: http://b3ta.com/challenge/reallifelogos/ We asked B3ta boarder 'toxie' to judge the entries - here are her 3 faves. toxie writes - #1 "Lawn attack - For sheer effort, first place goes to a giant lawn based thing. Just because. (RedWine) http://www.b3ta.com/board/4924040 #2 "Saucy hardware - Inspired.I hope he ate it. (Hunter Kappa) http://www.b3ta.com/board/4923002 #3 "What better use for a pair of hands? Though it took me forever to work out what most of them were." (collapsibletank) http://www.b3ta.com/board/4921122 >> This Week's Challenge << This week, b3ta contributor 'fool_on_the_hill' gave us the suggestion "Power Strike!" http://b3ta.com/challenge/powerstrike/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * STUDENT SURVIVOR - Farcicle Pseudonym writes "I just wanted to thank you for doing something wonderful for me. A few months back you featured a little Student Survivor game, which (if your student survived) also allowed you to enter a competition. I won, and will now get my first year's accommodation at uni for free." Huzzah! Well done you! * COOKING WITH ELECTRICITY - Regarding your recent weeks' write-ups on hot dog cooking, "beams Barnaclese, "The same can be done with a pickle, except, due to something in the cellular structure of the ex-cucumber, the pickle will, in fact, glow when a current is passed through it." Fancy! Video, please... * JUANZO THE WOLF BOY - Readers thrilled to the story of CCC and his (fictional) wolf-boy baby's entry into the (genuine) beautiful baby section of his local paper. "Any chance of an update?" asks emadex. "I live in Australia and my daughter printed out the story and took it in for show and tell. Went down a treat!" CCC replies, "Sorry to report... Juanzo didn't win." Looks like they caught on. Bah! http://voteforjuanzo.blogspot.com * SPACE WANKING - We asked for it last week. For some reason. Anyway, a special prize to all the porn connaisseurs who instantly fired off emails to tell us about 'The Uranus Experiment'. A sci-fi porno partly filmed on the famous 'Vomit Comet' plane. It was entirely sold on featuring the world's first zero-G cum shot. * GEEK SONGS - Obviously inspired by our irregular feature on the tunes you hum while doing computer stuff, here is 'Lock the Taskbar'. http://taskbah.ytmnd.com/ * MORE GEEK SONGS - p_gasston works as a web developer. He likes to sing Mister Mister's HTML classic 'Take... These Broken Links' when looking at non-functioning anchor tags. ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Cursor thief Keep your mouse-pointer safe from this persistent little cursor-stealing shit, who'll stop at nothing to grab a hold of it and smugly taunt you in Japanese. Brilliant and infuriating. http://www.onemorelevel.com/games/avoider.html ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * OFFICE SEX TOYS - and you make a wind-up vibrating anal dildo out of some rubber bands and fat marker pen? * THE GREAT I.T SUPPORT TEST - turn down the contrast on all the office PCs and see how long it takes them to fix it. * MORE KONFABULATOR B3TA - we've got lovely RSS feeds for you to play with. Go and make something useful. http://www.b3ta.com/xml/ Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Links sent in by Shiksa, tim.brown, Ash, Felchman, Murray of Commercial Breaks & Beats, ProfHawking, I'm Meeeelllllltttting, Le Brad, social hand grenade, stosiem, ian_mclellan & Badger Top Tippery by CaroWallis / Bad Horsey Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob. Proofing by the postprandial b4ta brandies. (104123 - 27413) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Don't have an eraser to hand? Don't worry; ordinary Blu Tak works just as well. NOT THE TOP TIP: Make your colleagues think you have an active social life by sprinkling private appointments through your Outlook calendar at lunchtime and in the evenings. Erm. It sounds rather tragic to us. And that's assuming that your workmates are going to spy on your Outlook appointments in the first place. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive