we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 189: "DANGER! ELECTRIC SAUSAGE" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * FOOD - How to poach an egg * ANIM - Crap leopard * HUMAN ZOO - Inflatable face man ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want to buy this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1 Poached eggs, stupid leopard & electric sausage >> How to poach an egg << Your ginger fuhrer has been pondering. "I've been thinking about eggs recently," writes Rob. "And there are surprisingly divergent opinions on how to poach them. So I put a few methods to the test. It's the cling film one that really surprises." For egg-based controversy, start here. http://www.b3ta.com/features/howtopoachanegg/ >> New Rathergood thing << Joely Joel has been a busy puppy recently, writing and recording material for his ska band, 7 Seconds of Love. As he said to us the other day, "I can't fucking wait to be a pop star and knock all this web bollocks on the head." Anyway, here's a track he's made without the band, and it's top. A charming little thing about a crap leopard, possibly in the style of Harry Belafonte. http://www.rathergood.com/looking/ >> Danger! Electric sausage << "When at school in physics," claims Benyeats, "the rumour always went that if you put mains voltage across a sausage, the current passing through would cause it to cook. Twelve years later we tried it in my back garden. The theory was that, as it cooked, it dried out, thus increasing in resistance. So, when it was no longer conducting, it would be ready to eat." As you can see, the results are a little different to the myth. But they show promise. http://www.putfile.com/media.php ------------------------------------------------- : FACT BREAK Are you aware that all top restaurants in London have a vial of semen in the fridge? It's for just in case Michael Winner comes to dine and the chef can't get wood. ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA HAS SCARRED ME FOR LIFE Tattoo craze sweeps nation... slowly First Zog had our 'Furtive Bear' logo tattooed on his wrist, then Kitteny Berk inked 'The Fear' on his leg, and now Wildheart Baby has daubed an 'Is It Real?' pic on his arm. Frankly, there is a level of in-jokery in this that we can't be arsed to explain to more casual readers who don't frequent our message board. Google it if you're curious. Anyway, don't try this at home kids. Or, if you do, make sure you send in the photos. http://home.thirdage.com/Humor/wildheartbaby2/sac.... ------------------------------------------------- : PUSHING DRAWING PINS INTO OUR JAPSEYES It's funny names corner Each week Rob and Dave look at about 500 links you've sent in as submissions for the newsletter. To be honest it's knackering and we only survive via copious amounts of drink and hard rock. Why do we tell you this? We want to communicate the physical pain of reading the funny names corner suggestions. And still - still - there's a couple that bring a grin to our jaded lips. This week we've got "Reinhardt Adolfo Fuck." It had to be 'Reinhardt Adolfo' - 'Barry' Fuck just wouldn't cut it. http://www.unb.br/ig/prof/ReinhardtAdolfoFuck.htm#english Bringing up the rear, we bring you engineers "Cumming Cockburn Limited". It's the double whammy of the cock and cum that scores the points. http://www.ccl-london.com/intro.html And finally, a number of readers have pointed out there are a few more organisations rejoicing in the name SCAT, other than last week's governmental sector agency, S-Cat. These include South Coast Area Transit, and Somerset College of Arts and Technology. ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Hidden treasure Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes and lies into one handy place on the interweb. Last week we asked what hidden treasures you'd found over the years: http://b3ta.com/questions/hiddentreasure/ Most of them seemed to involve either porn or poo, apart from these three: * New house in London with uni mates "The three of us arrive and immediately find an electric typewriter, instantly claimed by flatmate #1. In the back garden: a slightly rusted but repairable mountain bike, swiftly possessed by flatmate #2. To agreement all round, the next thing would be mine. We search the house. Nothing in the kitchen, lounge, bathroom, master bedroom, my bedroom, third bedroom... How about that tiny box room over the stairs? Opened the door to a looooong silence from us all, then "Open it." "No, you open it." etc... Eventually I opened it, found it empty, put shelves in and still use it to this day. What was it? An honest-to-god satin-lined six-foot oak coffin. (pstafallen) * Sicilian Videos "Staying in a rented villa in the north of Sicily, I was rummaging around in the attic and stumbled upon a large cardboard box full of unlabelled videos. "Huzzah, the greatest trove of nasty Mediterranean smut imaginable," I thought. This was not to be the case. It was a large collection of David Hasselhoff videos. Concerts, TV Interviews etc. Not best pleased I can tell you." (A bit Manchester) * My Attic "Inspired by this week's question having just moved into a new house, I decided to go and have a look in the attic. My house has high ceilings, I'm not very tall, and I don't own a stepladder. My desk from the next room wasn't high enough, so I fetched my stool and put that on the desk. Still not high enough. I went downstairs and fetched a chair and put that on top. Wobbling, I struggled to push the trapdoor up, stuck my head through, shone my torch around excitedly and found... ...absolutely fuck all. Then I fell off the furniture mountain as I was trying to climb down and banged my head on the bed. Thanks B3ta." (PacheyPie) >> This Week's Question << Do your bit to promote international camaraderie. Tell us your stupid tourist stories: http://b3ta.com/questions/stupidtourists/ ------------------------------------------------- : ANIMAL NASTIES You don't think they're so cute now, do you? >> Baby blackbird project << "My workmate Jason recently became mother to some baby blackbirds, after accidentally disturbing their nest," cheeps Dr-Mx. Not only does this guy hatch the eggs, but then sits up and feeds them cat food off a screwdriver. All we can say to that is blimey - baby blackbirds are quite the most repulsive things we have ever seen. http://www.reptilecrazy.co.uk/forum/forum_posts.as... >> Ugly ugly ugly dog << It takes a lot to get the b3ta seal of munterdom. So feast your eyes and rest assured that this is the unsightliest dog we could ever wish you to see. He looks like an extra from a horror film. An 80s horror film. http://pub.tv2.no/nettavisen/skraablikk/article417... >> Dead dove party << Two little boys helping the celebrations for Children's Day. At the peak of the event they release a dove to soar away gracefully into the sunny Russian skies. Er, unfortunately their white-knuckled stress grip doesn't leave the bird feeling much like flying... http://www.big-boys.com/articles/flybird.html ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates. >> Angry, naked, Chinese << Harsh but funny photo gallery. Chap took a camera out to a local make-out spot. Cue lots of people caught shagging in their cars. The startled looks on their guilty, sex-loving faces are priceless. http://fashionplace.ru/lj/china_sex.htm >> Bohemian Rhapsody photo story << Extraordinary drama as girl acts out the lyrics to Queen's pomp-rock classic. Particularly like the whole "Galileo Galileo" bit - but then again, who doesn't? http://www.livejournal.com/community/heavenly_dork... >> Signage sabotage << Great bit of creative vandalism, as a bunch of giggling blokes scramble the letters on a garage display board to show an entirely different kind of message. Their gleeful tittering is really what makes this so good. http://www.dandobi.com/signs.htm >> Doberman disguise kit << Sick and tired of your poor pooch getting evils off people who suspect him of being a canine killing-machine? This handy package contains all you'll need to pass him off as a harmless show-poodle. Warning: Usage may possibly give your dog a gender identity crisis. http://www.attackchi.org.au/kits.htm >> Smooth-face kids << Rather disturbing series of images of child beauty pageant contestants. Freakily, they've been absolutely airbrushed to death - to the point that they look almost like peculiar dolls. Brr. Nasty. http://angelswithattitude.faithweb.com/photo.html ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Baby caracal Little kitten, big ears - so cute! Ignore the fact that when he's grown up he would eat you as soon as look at you. Well, okay, he would if you were a bird, rodent or small mammal. http://www.gh.wits.ac.za/ecm21/gallery/Caracal-kit... BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on the web recently? Tell us. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : HUMAN ZOO Inflatable face man "I am the only person in the world to do this!!" is the proud boast of Jerome Abramovitch. What he does pump his forehead full of saline, using needles and a pump of his own invention to swell his facial features to moon-like proportions. Yes, Jerome, there is a fucking good reason you're the only person doing that. http://www.chapter9photography.com/2005/bio/forehe... ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2 Cold candle tip tested & Pizza prank call >> Cold candles vs. hot candles << We recently ran a top tip informing you that cooling a candle helps it burn longer due to miraculous "cold power". RobT has put our science to the test and proven us incontrovertibly correct. BTW: If anyone else wants to test our weekly tips, then please feel free - send us pics. http://www.theplaybutton.com/2005/07/07/frozen-can... >> Pizza robot prank call << "We got bored of simply ordering pizza", intones the_man361, "So we decided to order one using a digital voice box from our computer. The silly buggers played along..." The laughs come early in this long item and the bit with the phone number made us very happy. Got a bit bored with the rest though... http://www.zyk0tik.com/Panther.mp3 ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Penguins V Monkeys Challenge Each week we run a competition to test your creative skills. We set a challenge and you open Photoshop and mess with our heads. Last week we wanted you to photoshop an epic struggle for power between Monkeys and their flightless waterfowl rivals. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/penquinsvmonkeys/ We asked b3ta boarder oCo to judge the entries - here are his 3 faves. oCo writes - #1 "Penguins win - Superb animation and great timing. Obviously shows my biased view on the challenge... go penguins! (spacehog) http://www.b3ta.com/board/4833017 #2 "Banana attack - exactly what I thought would happen if the war was to occur. The final line makes it for me. (the hedgehog) http://www.b3ta.com/board/4841392 #3 "A clear winner - Superb animation and quality pixel work. The fact that the monkey produces ammunition from its bottom is a plus, of course. (Bob Wobbaz) http://www.b3ta.com/board/4840662 Finally, a special mention to TopUpTheTea and paranoiaman, because my missus really liked these (so did I). http://www.b3ta.com/board/4836512 http://www.b3ta.com/board/4836512 >> This Week's Challenge << This week, b3ta contributor doctorwhen gave us the suggestion, "What if the things grown-ups tell kids were true?" http://b3ta.com/challenge/grownupslie/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * VOODOO TROMBONE QUARTET COMPO WINNERS - the best two entries to the "3G phones are crap" tiebreaker were Matt Javes with "who really wants a live full-motion video close-up of some fucktard's ear?" and Ben Keeton with "What the hell kind of name is 3G anyway? Sounds like a constipated fridge." Yay. Thorpe will send his CD through shortly, and he also asks us to mention, that "the live incarnation of the VTQ - a seven-piece, no less - will be playing at South London Pacific, Kennington's only Tiki Bar. It's on Friday 29th July, free before 9pm, £3 before 10pm and £4 after." http://www.southlondonpacific.com * ONE-EYE UPDATE - "Just read the bit on closing an eye when pissing. Did you know that in order to prevent blinding due to the light from dropped nukes, the British pilots who would have been responsible for dropping ze bomb were issued eye patches? That way, if it blinded them, they'd casually flick it over and have one good eye to fly about on." Fascinating, but we wonder about depth perception - and aiming. * SUMMER BURN - Over 1,000 people entered the CD swaps project. B3ta regular Chthonic joined in and writes, "A fun experience that takes me back to when I was a music-obsessed teenager making mix tapes. On the FunJunkie boards, one person was saying he'd been sent 19 different cover versions of 'Summertime'. Which is wonderful and scary at the same time." * MORE GEEKY SONG IDEAS - "If you right-click the bar at the bottom of the screen in Windows XP, you can 'Lock the taskbar! Lock the taskbar!' (to the tune of 'Rock the Casbah') Seeing that option causes fits of giggles every time I see it." (thanks deKay.) * FURTHER ONE-EYE UPDATE - "So that I could piss in the dark," confesses Rob Mahon, "I ended-up doing a 'wonder if' experiment that worked a bloody treat. Got some glowy paint stuff - came in a tip-ex bottle - and I just dotted the skirting boards on the route to the toilet. I made sure the edges of walls were daubed to show the corners, and door handles all had a hefty dollop on too. With the last remaining dregs of glowy stuff I made sure all the light switches had dots on too, just in case they were needed in a toilet emergency. Also, I drew a big circle of glowy stuff on the UNDERNEATH of the toilet seat. Thus I can tell the up/down state of the seat, and it gives me a reasonable aiming point too." Hero. ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * WHICH-ONE-IS-TARQUIN?.COM - get a few hundred photos of people called Tarquin, pair them up with photos of people called John, Rob or Dave. The user has to pick the posho. We'd find it fun anyway. * FIFTY QUID GYPSY CHALLENGE - We noticed a gypsy camp the other day and were wondering about the Romany practise of cooking up hedgehogs in clay (hotchi-witchi in the vernacular). We dared each other to go and ask them, "Will you cook us up a hedgehog? We'll give you £50." Well, we chickened it. Maybe you won't. Remember, we want photos of the tasty, tasty dish. * SAUSAGE WIRING - our wurst-burning friends from earlier in this newsletter mention that "another experiment we tried was lighting a bulb using sausage for wiring. It worked, but the video camera did not." Does anybody else want to have a crack at this? Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel and David Stevenson. Links sent in by Parrot of doom, spazdor, cmkenny, el-mariachi, syntheology, smoothpete, weevilstepmother, jerryfriedman, Andy Goodwin, terry b, The Moop, lcp, camdenguy, Wombatovic and liamjford for the gherkinator. Top Tippery by letsprocrastinate. Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob. Proofing by the rofl b4ta lols. (103556 - 27291) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Attach a water-hose onto taps easily by cutting the end at an angle so the hole is actually larger. Simple really. But oh so effective. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive