we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 187: "THAT'S NOT A BABY. IT'S A WOLF!" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * STUNT - Will "Wolf boy" win Baby The Of Year? * ANIM - Cocks from Space * VIDEO - Tom Cruise kills Oprah ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Advertise in B3ta << Want to buy this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1 Wolf boy & cocks from space >> Wolf boy of the year << "I've entered my local newspapers Baby of the Year competition", writes CCC, "with my photoshopped son, Juanzo - well, blow me...they printed it today." Huzzah! We're giggling like loons. We also want you, dear readers, to vote for him so CCC can win the coveted "bronze foot" prize. http://www.voteforjuanzo.blogspot.com/ >> Cocks from space << "It's my parody take on the whole War of the Worlds thing happening at the moment.", shouts Koit, "What can I say ? - I'm immature." Yes. Koit is. And that's why we love you. http://www.lskerton.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/willies.h... ------------------------------------------------- : READERS EMAILS Amazon error Ben writes - "This is a mail I got from Amazon... "Dear Customer, "We are sorry to report that the following item has been delayed. "Jim Carroll, Rick Broadhead "Selling Online: How to Become a Successful E-commerce Merchant "Our current estimate is that it will take an additional 4-6 weeks to obtain this item for you." Ha! Made us laugh anyway. ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK There was no need for that... Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes and lies into one handy place on the interweb. Last week we asked for incidents in which insult had been added to injury: http://b3ta.com/questions/noneedforthat/ #1 "I had just traumatically split up with my boyfriend of 4 years. To give us both a bit of space, I went to meet my Mum and Dad at their local hoping for some tender loving care. The 'rents were fine, but the family dog got a bit over excited to see me, jumped up at my chest, got both paws stuck in the neckline of my stretchy top and pulled, wrenching it down and exposing my bare tits to the pub at large. There was no need for that. There was also no need for my Mum and Dad to burst out laughing, thereby drawing attention to my deperate attempts to put myself away. There was certainly no need for the pensioner in the corner to raise his glass to me and doff his cap..." (clapper) #2 "My dad and his mates on the way back from the pub saw a hiker in a nearby field gripping onto a pylon and shaking like a shitting dog. The horror slowly dawned on them - quick as pissed lightening, my dad's mate Steve yelled 'I know what to do here - stay back!', wrenched a big fuck-off plank from a nearby fence, ran over and brought it down as hard as he could on the guy's outstretched, pylon-clutching arm. The result was a blood-curdling scream, a shattered humerus, and Steve having to explain to the police why he'd smashed the arm of a radio mast engineer who'd stepped in a massive cow pat whilst crossing the field and had been innocently leaning on the tethering cable trying to shake the worst of it off his welly." (grey kid) #3 "I was 14 and was rushed to hospital with a burst appendix and acute peritonitis. With my mum sat by the bed, a nurse put the curtains round and handed me a (small) bowl of shaving foam and a razor. "What's that for?" I asked in my weakened state. "I need to shave your pubic hair before the operation," she replied, before lifting up the hospital gown, looking for a minute, considering, then saying "Actually, I think you'll be OK as you are." Great, I'm actually at death's door and I've just been informed I'm underdeveloped. While my mum is in the room, sat right next to me. Nurses, next time some kid is in your ward and might not make it, don't give him a puberty complex as his last living memory." (Wascally Weasel) >> This Week's Question << We'd like you to tell what you are an expert in. We know all about the drinking and wanking - we are much more interested in the tedious things you know far too much about. Talk to us in a continuous monotone here: http://b3ta.com/questions/experts/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates. >> Fuck Japan << Kids drawings - so cute. This bunch of adorable little Korean tykes has done little paintings of how just much they hate Japan. Generally, this seems to hinge on bombs, but there is a fair helping of gigantic turds in there too. Just lovely. And they're proudly displayed on a subway wall. http://uqmgp.hp.infoseek.co.jp/ >> Inspired product endorsement << "The bike folds, it's metal thing that bends, who bends metal things?" You can practically see the wheels turning in the ad execs' heads. We can only salute them for getting Uri Geller. Given the bending theme though, we can only wonder that David Beckham wasn't asked... http://www.uribike.com/ >> Shopping list confidential << Perhaps you'll think twice about throwing away your shopping list after you've finished with it. This bloke collects them, scans them and sticks them on the web with his comments. We like the peculiar little insights he has into peoples' lives, particularly when it comes to washing. http://www.redhotscott.co.uk/shoppinglists/ >> Tom Cruise kills Oprah << What appears to be actual footage of rogue actor Tom Cruise using his cruel, Scientology-derived powers to destroy Oprah Winfrey. Yes, the special effects really are that convincing. http://waxy.org/random/video/Tom_Cruise_Kills_Opra... >> Curious nerd see-saw << This one is hard to describe - a chap (almost certainly Dutch) has rigged up a contraption with a lever and counterweights so he can move about like he's on the moon, but looks like he's about to be bummed by a robot. For that reason alone we want one for ourselves. http://www.willemderks.com/oooms/agm.mov >> Funny cloud corner << Mammatus clouds: What a curious thing they are. Hanging, bulgily in the sky, looking like nothing so much as God's piles. Mammatus cloud fact: If you are looking at them, it may well mean you've just had a tornado. Something to bear in mind, UK readers. http://snipurl.com/godspiles ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH penguin and poorly mouse Extrovert penguin - dancing up and down with delight. He can barely wait to play in the snow. http://snipurl.com/extrovertpenguin So what's cuter than cute? Cute with a broken leg of course. Aww... the little kangaroo mouse. http://www.pbase.com/image/13325548 BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on the web recently? Tell us. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the 'Celebrity Pets' Challenge Each week we run a competition to test your creative skills. We set a challenge and you open Photoshop and mess with our heads. Last week we wanted you to show us celebrities and their pets http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/celebritypets/ We asked b3ta boarder giant_squid to judge the entries - here are his 3 faves. giant_squid writes - #1 "The Beatles' Dogs - See how the nuances of each Beatle are perfectly captured in their canine equivalents, and take a look at the bonus picture: Queen's pet spider (Smallbrainfield) http://www.b3ta.com/board/4797629 #2 "Blessed headswaps - Headswaps were the order of the day in this week's competition, but few were as effective as these evocations of what must surely be the loudest ape and cat on the planet respectively, so a joint second place it is! (Oboklob and WiL) http://www.b3ta.com/board/4783677 http://www.b3ta.com/board/4783774 #3 "Calista Flockhart's Parrot - With joint 2nd I suppose it's actually 4th, but a simple yet humorous picture of an emaciated bird... and her pet parrot. Boom! Boom! (Zak McFlimby) http://www.b3ta.com/board/4783723 >> This Week's Challenge << This week, b3ta fuhrer Rob asked us to come up with ideas for the b3ta 404 page. We'll take the best ideas and put them on the real page. Woo! http://b3ta.com/challenge/404challenge/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2 Scary pencil drawings / How to make Ginger Beer >> Scary pencil drawings << "I need people to send me interesting names to play with", demands Kallus, "so I can draw them. I'm here naked and aroused...." And so we'll cut off his email her before it gets too disturbing. But to be honest, that's why we're sticking this item in. Kallus's art is freaky and wrong, and looks like the work of the mentally ill. Enjoy. http://www.sporetemple.com/thequeue.htm >> Ginger Beer Recipe << "It's summer time and the weather's hot" beams jonas, "so what could be better than a nice cool refreshing glass of ginger beer? Nothing that's what. So I made some." Woo. It had never occurred to us that you could actually make ginger beer at home, we're impressed. http://www.vurt.co.uk/Articles/GingerBeer.html ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * HOME-MADE 'DAS KEYBOARD' - a few weeks ago we featured a keyboard with no markings - meant for uber-nerds to confuse the uninitiated. FuntingCoggles was inspired to build his own - strictly on the cheap. He's actually rearranged the keys and tried to make rude words. That ought to do it. http://nake-d.com/keyboard/ * ORIGAMI YODA - we called for people to make one and the lovely Hidden Dragon has obliged us. It looks like it was very hard to do. http://i12.photobucket.com/albums/a221/Firefrog/f9... * IS IT JUST US that sing improvisational songs when we open our favourite websites? we asked our readers. Jess Ausculture replies, "Sadly no. I've spent the last two weeks singing 'Ain't no party like a Technorati.'" Hee hee, and now we will too. * FUNNY WORDS - thedog tells us that in Neil Simon's play, The Sunshine Boys, Willy, a main character, gives his nephew a lecture about comedy: "Fifty-seven years in this business, you learn a few things. You know what words are funny and which words are not funny. Alka Seltzer is funny. You say "Alka Seltzer" you get a laugh... Words with "k" in them are funny. Casey Stengel, that's a funny name. Robert Taylor is not funny. Cupcake is funny. Tomato is not funny. Cookie is funny. Cucumber is funny. Car keys. Cleveland... Cleveland is funny. Maryland is not funny. Then, there's chicken. Chicken is funny. Pickle is funny." "K sounds are good because they comfort us and we associate them with childhood... cuddle, cosy, cootchie coo (k sounds). When public speaking or telling jokes the more K sounds you use the more the audience warms to you." Therefore 'sword', 'salamander' and 'pumpkin'. Only one is funny: 'Pumpkin.' * GAY DOG RETRACTION - stupid_american_chick is sad that we called her dog gay in Issue 185. He is still in the closet to you then - that's very sad. ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * NEW RESTAURANT - the pick-your-own-lobster deal at the nicer restaurants needs to be extended to encompass more animals. Lamb, for example. * CAFEPRESS OF RINGTONES - why doesn't someone set up a site where small website owners can upload their own ringtones and wallpapers and flog them on phones? Yes we know there's millions of sites who sell tones, but people don't want to have to go to bloody meetings, and have stuff approved. They just want to upload and go. There you go. That's a business plan for you. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Links sent in by cat, Dr Frank, rwillmsen, p.hickford, tcm148 and BiggsteR Top Tippery by Wat Dabney Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob. Proofing by the chirpy b4ta chimps. (103256 - 26953) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: When you're boiling an egg, put some vinegar (about 10-20ml) in the water. The shell will become a lot easier to peel. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive