we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 186: "JCB BALLET" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * FOOD - Fraser eats raw mince * WEEBL - Mr Stabby returns * GOOGLE - songs about your favourite site ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Advertise in B3ta << Want to buy this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Raw mince, Mr Stabby, Students & Google >> Fraser eats raw mince << We've been regularly tickled by the culinary prodigies of b3ta's official King of Food Fraser Lewry. But this time, perhaps he's gone too far. We fear for his safety as he prepares to tuck into the infamous Steak Tartare - a big pile of raw mince garnished with a raw egg. Revolting. http://www.blogjam.com/2005/06/12/steak-tartare/ >> Mister Stabby << Jonti's bug-eyed psycho take a job in a piercing parlour. The joy of this series is in the way you can see the unfortunate pay-off coming a long, long way, but it still feels good when it happens. http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/Mr+Stabby+4/ >> Student twat of the week << We're being mean because we're actually rather jealous of b3tard Sunshine Elephant's snazzy new boudoir. Just look at his face says he's having more fun in bed than he ever thought possible with his clothes on. http://www.b3ta.com/board/4779347 >> Google song << In last week's newsletter, we said you wanted a song about Wikipedia or Google. Well, giant_squid and manwithunderpantsonhead have obliged with just exactly that. There are some great moments in this, but we were also laughing at the idea of Google commissioning this as viral marketing. http://www.nottingham.ac.uk/~pcxee/google_flash.ht... ------------------------------------------------- : GREAT SONG BAD JINGLE AWARD Gino's Pizza We're huge fans of the crap jingle at B3ta towers, whilst writing this very newsletter we spent rather too much time reminiscing about a 80s TV pizza commercial that took the Dexy's Midnight Runners hit, Geno, and replace the words with "Piping hot pizza delivered direct to your door, oh Gino's." Try and sing it. It's irresistible. Sadly we can't find a copy of it online, and that's where you can help. Can you find a copy? Also what great songs do you remember that have been turned into rubbish jingles? Tell us and once we've got enough of them, we'll turn it into a lovely article for everyone to enjoy. Get in touch via the normal channels, trained operatives waiting for your email etc. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK I was drunk when I bought this... Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes and lies into one handy place on the interweb. Last week we asked for things you'd bought whilst drunk: http://b3ta.com/questions/drunkenpurchases/ Here's list of those essential items you felt the need to buy after rolling home from the pub: * A tombstone, inscribed "braaaaaaiiiins" (£217, in case you were wondering) * Every bloody episode of Mork and Mindy. * A signed portrait of Darth Vader . * Bright pink vibrating nipple clamps, 1 pair. * 25 cubic feet of packing foam * My Russian Wife. Seriously. * 4,000 wardrobe and kitchen doors. * A Barbie bike and a suite at a London hotel. * A selection of Waffen SS recruiting posters. * A balaclava with 'Terrorist' on the front. * An online girlfriend who was "willing to email me, saying anything I wanted, no holds barred". I got her to write a 2000 word economics essay for me... It got me a grade D and finally * The world's scariest doll: http://b3ta.com/questions/drunkenpurchases/post336... >> This Week's Question << Ever been in a difficult situation that someone has made worse for no good reason? This week Pollollups was strapped in an MRI scanner and forced to listen to Dido. We feel her pain: http://b3ta.com/questions/noneedforthat/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates. >> Heavy digger love story << Possibly the campest thing we've seen all week. Bloke is on his way to work when suddenly, helplessly falls in love with a digger and dances a tragic ballet. http://www.luckykazoo.com/media/2005/06/jcb-ballet... >> Psycho cyclist << Like a cautionary tale of internet dating, this starts innocently, just a guy looking for someone to cycle-tour with, but rapidly descends into madness. http://tinyurl.com/dkotz >> World's worst boob job << Yeah, it's a porn site. And, yeah, it's supposed to be titillating (no pun intended). But we couldn't help marvelling at just what a kak-handed job the surgeons did with this poor model's unwieldy implants. NSFW. Clearly. http://snipurl.com/fng5 >> Pet star parrot << Who could fail to be impressed by this talented parrot's appearance on US TV. Just when you think that's it, on comes another trick - culminating with a daring high-wire stunt. http://snipurl.com/fng3 >> Goatse logo of the week << Yes, worryingly this seems to be turning into a regular feature. Check out the logo of Cayuga Nature Center's Team Challenge - adding a new, eye-watering wrinkle to the basic goatse motif. http://www.cayuganaturecenter.org/teamchallenge/ >> DIY web oddness << YTMND is a site that lets anyone put up a short sound clip and accompanying picture. Anyone. The inevitable result of letting the nerds loose: minimalist genius. Here are three of the best: Vader's "Nooooo" running joke continues; a short clip of 'Mike Tyson's Punchout'; and corporate burger apologist Ronald McD with a new message for us all. http://vaderfortune.ytmnd.com/ http://niggastolemybike.ytmnd.com/ http://everyoneaids.ytmnd.com/ >> Pregnant animal pics << We started on this site wondering "What sort of freak collects pictures of pregnant animals?" Then we thought "Awww. Pregnant doggies." Then, again, we wondered what sort of freak amasses such a large collection of pregnant animal pictures... http://wolfbar.servemp3.com/preganimal/ >> Indignant pup << Possibly a contender for Cute Thing of the week, but the real appeal is in the absolute look of dismay on the poor little dog's face. Also worth a look if you too need a Santa costume for your dog. http://snipurl.com/fng6 >> iPod toilet << In a little dig at the Apple Mac community, this guy has scooped the gubbins out of one of those little mac minis and turned it into a toilet-roll dispenser. Take that you geeks! http://www.bit-tech.net/news/2005/06/10/itoilet_mo... >> "Am I normal?" << Incredibly bad place to go to for advice: post your story and random web users tell you if you're normal or not. Like they'd know. We did enjoy this gem though. "Whenever I see a picture of bell (sic) gibson I get real horny and then I go over to my dogs, make them roll over and then I stare at their balls for an hour. its like I'm in a trance or something, the weird thing is I am a straight guy who is married." Normal. http://isitnormal.com/normal.php ------------------------------------------------- : SOMETHING TO MAKE Origami Yoda It's British summertime out there, but, just in case it rains, here's something cool to make. We're pretty lazy though - can someone make us one and send it in. We admit, that's largely why we featured this... http://www.pajarita.org/aep/internacionales/intern... ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Baby leopard behind the sofa A leopard about the house, playing in the kitchen, running down the stairs, hiding behind the couch. Who could resist? We want one now! http://www.flickr.com/photos/fuzzybutt/15177234/in... BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on the web recently? Tell us. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : HUMAN ZOO Woman mask man Jessica Trance welcomes you to his world of illusion: A gallery of him dressed as a lady and wearing a particularly alarming mask of a girl's face. What makes it unusually disturbing is that it has completely flat features, "to enhance the effect" as he explains in his surprisingly engaging write-up. http://www.jessicatrance.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the 'Inside Factories' Challenge Each week we run a competition to test your creative skills. We set a challenge and you open Photoshop and mess with our heads. Last week we wanted you to show us how things are really made. http://b3ta.com/challenge/factories/ We asked b3ta boarder Mutated Monty to judge the entries - here are his 3 faves. Monty writes - #1 "Fluffy balls - Brilliant, ridiculous and entirely plausible. So much so that I now believe it to be true. (Spacehog) www.b3ta.com/board/4761722 #2 "Crunchy nob-collars - I can't help but laugh at mutilated penises, even when I'm eating them. (burger breath) http://www.b3ta.com/board/4757186 #3 "Mushy Peas - A work of pure joy and loveliness. It even makes me forget how horrible mushy peas are." (giant_squid) http://www.b3ta.com/board/4766904 >> This Week's Challenge << This week, the challenge dictator has demanded "Celebrities and Their Pets" http://b3ta.com/challenge/celebritypets/ ------------------------------------------------- : CD BURN Songs to never make love by * Too much drama - Chariots of Fire * Too needy - God Only Knows What I'd Be Without You * Dribbling penis metaphor - While My Guitar Gently Weeps * Making her paranoid - You're the One For Me Fatty * Too celebratory - Simply the Best / We Are the Champions * The wrong kinda of sleazy - I Wanna Sex You Up * Just bestial - My Lovely Horse * Too much like gay role-play - You Think You're a Man * Roobarb & Custard theme - makes you want a poo. ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * TIE-DYE FAKE TAN - Screw your face up and liberally tan spray. The result should make your face look like a well-worn leather sofa. * POO WHISK - take a large dump and put a hand-held liquidiser into the bowl. That'll teach it. * LACTO MAN BLOG - men can produce milk with a combination of nipple stimulation and female hormones. Chart your progress. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Links sent in by rich_tea2000, chthonic, deus_ed, pippy, llamalifter, king.speen, TooMuch2AM, mrtinybrain, LunaticInTheHall, Mwongozi, Lurchajn and *not logged in* Top Tippery by WhoElse Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob. Proofing by the leaky b4ta plumbers. (103109 - 26768) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: When you're washing windows, use a vertical motion on one side, and a horizontal motion on the other. This way, you can tell which side any streaks are left on! Took us a while to actually figure out, but a clever trick. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive