we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 184 - "THE SINGING ARSEHOLE" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * GAME - Celebrity hybrids * FOOD - Living on Guinness for a week * ANIM - Singing arsehole vs. Erasure ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Advertise in B3ta << Want to buy this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Celeb kids, Guinness diet and mongs >> Celebrity love-child quiz << "Bloody celebrities eh?" blasts Doctor A. "Always rutting like crazed weasels within their own famous gene pool. I've designed a way to keep tabs on their potential offspring." See is you can guess the parentage of 20 celebrity hybrids in a quiz that's both big and clever. http://homepage.ntlworld.com/ashen1/ashen/cartoon/... >> Guinness diet << Mburt1 has been inspired (if that is the right word) by our recent Guinness-based experiments. Contending that the sinister stout is a 'meal in a glass', he vowed to live on a diet soley consisting of Guinness, water, pint of milk and a vitamin C tablet a day, for a whole week. See how he does with it on his blog. But we wouldn't get too near if we were you... very poorly tummy. http://theguinnessdiet.blogspot.com/ >> Wonderwall vs. Mong Song << There's no doubt this is the future of the mash-up scene. Dobsky takes the Oasis epic and lays on a thick crust of b3tards Jonti and Rob hooting and belming for all they're worth. In the words of the man himself, "It's different, I'll give it that." http://members.lycos.co.uk/gingerpride/ ------------------------------------------------- : NSFW CORNER Fwappage for the truly deviant No strangers to nudge-nudge-wink-wink innuendo, synth-duo Erasure once titled an album "Two Ring Circus", and so it's with a happy heart the internet has repaid the compliment via a singing arse-hole mouthing the words to their 1988 hit "A Little Respect." Laugh? We couldn't stop. http://jimgoad.net/happyasshole3.html ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Onoseconds - stuff you'd rather you hadn't sent Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes and lies into one handy place on the interweb. Last week we asked you for the inappropriate things you'd accidentally emailed and texted: http://b3ta.com/questions/onoseconds/ * "After spending what can only be described as an extremely sordid night with a sexy and utterly filthy young lady named Gemma, I decided to cheer her up by texting her, detailing everything I was intent on doing to her the next time. Graphically. Grandma was not amused to receive this. Not fully understanding it and seeking guidance as to the meaning of some of the content, neither was my mother. My gran won't sit next to me at family events any more." (dan j) * "My friend teaches Judo to young kids. During a drunken night out, someone got hold of his phone and did the usual thing of sending sexually explicit messages, this time to his girlfriend. Except his girlfriend was in his phone as 'Babe', not 'Emma'. Emma was a 12 year old from his Judo class. Next morning he had to phone Emma's parents and explain that their 12 year old daughter may have received a text message saying her judo teacher wanted to shag her up the ass." (dr-kill) * "After a major system crash and several hours running round swearing, Boss sticks his head round the door and says, 'Do us a favour - send an on-screen message to all users to let 'em know the computer's no longer fucked.' So I did: 'ALL USERS: COMPUTER NO LONGER FUCKED' We laughed. Then, I dropped my coffee mug. It landed on the Enter key. Our network had several hundred users in many varied locations round the world. I was no longer one of them." (scaryduck) We'd like to send our condolences to Hazey's mate who managed to get "I've an arse-hole like the back of Batman's car" to pop up over a friend's presentation to his directors, and we are slightly scared by Spastic Lequee's admission that he "tends not to wank in office stationery anymore." >> This Week's Question << When animals attack... Have you been beaten up by an ant? Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/animalsattack/ ------------------------------------------------- : SIGNS OF THE APOCALYPSE In-car toilet Three tips for on being caught short whilst needing a piss: firstly there's the tried-and-tested crossing your legs and and bouncing on the seat method. Advanced users will often sing "It's a Long Way to Tipperary." Secondly, men can seal their foreskin between their thumb and fore-finger creating a pee-filled flesh balloon. This only works for about the first 25cl of wee, after that you'll find the piss spurting out the sides in a two-headed yellow fountain. Thirdly? Well, science brings you an inflatable toilet which you can store in the back of your SUV. Frankly it strikes us as mental, the whole sales pitch is about "No-one Will Know You've Taken a Piss!" Like it's such a crime? Personally, we're big fans of nipping into MaccyD's for a McDump. BTW: Here's a quandary for you. Is it wrong to reply to an instant message whilst taking a dump? We don't know, but we certainly know it felt wrong and kinda good. (Hello Ben. We were shitting whilst we wrote this.) http://www.indipod.com/movies/complete.wvx ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO If we were running Bid-Up TV... >> Insane daredevil stunt << You can get used to anything and jumping out of aeroplanes is no exception. As near as we can make out, this chap deliberately sets his own parachute on fire. Just for a laugh. Suppose it beats watching telly. http://www.big-boys.com/articles/parafire.html >> Homosexuals: A warning from history << "What Jimmy didn't know was that Ralph was sick, a sickness of the mind known as homosexuality." It's hard to believe this 1950s public information film was actually meant for real. The whole premise is so demented it just reads like comedy. http://www.archive.org/details/boys_beware >> Embarrassment song << A song about private parts is always going to be fantastic, of course. But what makes this a strange one is that it's subtitled in Swedish. One can only imagine what they're making of it. Well, if all Scandinavians didn't speak perfect English anyway. http://www.putfile.com/media.php ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates. >> Fake U2 << These guys dressed up as U2 and played an impromptu concert on the rooftop opposite Madison Square Gardens. It fooled a lot of people and got them arrested. Looks like a lot of fun. Check out the amusing write-up here. http://snipurl.com/fc7m >> Pixel nonce game << You're a pedophile: Dress in a pink bear suit and lure away small children by waving balloons. But watch out for your evil rival in the brown bear costume. He wants them for himself. Brr. Disturbingly amoral. http://www.donpixel.com/play/en/050526031143/ >> How to destroy the Earth << Ever thought about blowing up the world? This bloke evidently has put some time in doing just that. As ever in these cases, we'd love readers to try these methods out and send us photos of how you got on. http://ned.ucam.org/~sdh31/misc/destroy.html >> Goatse clock << eBay is always full of peculiar crap and it's rare we something so odd that we feature it here. But this really does take the cake. It's an alarm clock, it's Mickey Mouse, it's... goatse? BTW: And props to blogger Anil Dash who this week managed to goatse the New York Times via his t-shirt. http://snipurl.com/fcbg >> Photocopy cut out film << Clever animation made of clips from classic movies. Apparently made of 65,000 photocopies - if you've got a few minutes spare it's worth checking out. http://www.channel4.com/film/reviews/film.jsp ------------------------------------------------- : WHERE ARE THEY NOW? Louise Wener We remember one-time Brit-popper Louise, she was the wanking-student's crumpet of the 90s, always happy with a controversial quote for the music weeklies, and didn't look bad in a two-cock-gob kinda way. Despite the hits drying up, and the promised book career only selling about 4 copies to confused German sausage aficionados, we're pleased to see Louise is still working - as a voice-over artist. You can download her demo, and we even managed to crack one off to her selling a car interior. BTW: If you're bored, you should also check Tony Slattery's audition. His neck sounds very fat. http://www.sueterryvoices.co.uk/female/louisewener... ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Lemurs, Clicks, Meerkats & Ferrets 4-way spesh Ok. This is the bit where we link to cute pics of animals. Frankly it doesn't matter a sausage what we write here so here's a handful of off-colour jokes: >> Lemur video << What's the worst thing about fucking a seven year old? Washing the blood off the clown suit. http://www.drusillas.co.uk/clips/lemur.asf >> Piping Plover Chicks << "I called my boss, told him I wouldn't be coming into work, that I was in bed sick. He said, 'You don't sound sick.' I said, 'I'm fucking my little sister.' http://www.1000birds.com/gallery_Piping-Plover1.ht... >> Baby meerkat << Did you know Helen Keller had a tree-house? Neither did she. http://www.pbase.com/paulca/image/32838498 >> Mad ferrit << How do make a cat go "woooof"? Cover it in petrol and set fire to it. http://www.powerfunpage.de/v4/news/upload.php BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on the web recently? Tell us. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from The Wonders of the World Challenge Each week we run a competition to test your creative skills. We set a challenge and you open Photoshop and mess with our heads. Last week we wanted you to show us the wonders of the world that didn't make the top seven. http://b3ta.com/challenge/wonders/ We asked b3ta boarder Steve-Dave to judge the entries - here are his 3 faves. Mr S-D writes - #1 "Giant Lionel Ritchie Head - I think we have all dreamed about a giant Lionel Ritchie head watching over our village. At least once. (useful_idiot) http://b3ta.com/board/4707914 #2 "Turin Skid-marks - Notable for making me laugh and retch in equal measures. (ratman) http://b3ta.com/board/4706052 #3 "Here's a wonder - I am not sure if it's a giant wonder woman, or a tiny girl, but I know one thing. GUSSET! (Frumbert) http://b3ta.com/board/4695507 The obligatory special mention has to go to dieselmonkey for the worst pun I have encountered in a long, long time. http://b3ta.com/board/4719524 >> This Week's Challenge << This week, the challenge dictator demands that we create "New Toys in Breakfast Cereals" http://b3ta.com/challenge/breakfast/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * ANGUS MANUEL STILL MIGHTY - thanks for all the kind words about B3ta's newest arrival, the heir to the Ginger Furher's empire, young Angus. Here are a couple more photos for his fans. The ones with the official-B3ta-cat Rocky are the best. BTW: Did you know our very own tech-genius Cal Henderson programmed the fantastically useful Flickr site? It even comes with a little downloadable application that automatically resizes, rotates and uploads your photos. We bloody love it. http://www.flickr.com/photos/robmanuel/ * MORE PHALLIC LOGOS - right, we know this is a popular feature, but we're not your "looking at cock logo bitches", so stop it! We've had nearly 100 others suggested to us this week alone. We feel like that cancer boy who asked for 10,000 postcards. Anyway. We did like this 1970s Finnish record-company one, for it's got nice bumming action. http://www.lovemusic.fi/ ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Brick wall leveller Like a cross between Tetris and Break Out on special cuteness drugs. You have to level the walls as much as you can before the time runs out and, lo, there is much twee squeaking. http://www.sobicsschool.com/fun/fun_game2.swf ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * THE OFFICE FAKIR - can you walk on drawing pins? Can you staple your eyelids shut? What about a post-it note mummification? Enlightenment, and a no small bit of web noteriety awaits your sacrifice. * BEARD SONG - grow about a months worth of facial hair. Film your self singing to the tune of Godley & Creme's Cry, " I don't know how to grow a beard". Trim your beard. Sing the next line, "YOU don't know how to grow a beard." Trim it again. Carry on with the singing, " My beard, my beard, I really want a beard." Now comes the clever bit. Edit the film backwards to it looks like your have more and more cheek pubes with each line. This would be fucking great, trust us, we're the experts. * GMAIL CALENDAR - dear lovely people at Google: can we have a calendar application please? It's really irritating to have to constantly cut-and-paste emails into a separate application to handle our obviously very busy diary. Oh, and please do some open access RSS / XML stuff so that it can integrate into phones and stuff too. Lovely. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel and David Stevenson. Links sent in by bryancater8, Woody999, mitch, Stuk, Wizzard419, bryansj, Kev Maguire, suzie_hotbox, _elle_, darloboy101, Goosegog, wick47, Funtastic Pony Magic and virgo Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob. Proofing by the sandy b4ta sharks. (102835-26007) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: If your newborn baby has a mild eye infection, a small drop of breast milk rubbed into the area will clear it up. (We're also hoping that B3ta's resident weird chef is going to make some breast milk cheese.) next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive