we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 182: "BIGGEST SCOTCH EGG... EVER!" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * QUIZ - Can you spot the pornalikes? * SURVEY - Logos that look like cocks. Results. * COOKING - Biggest Scotch Egg ever ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > WIN A Year of Freedom With PlayStation << PlayStation is revolutionizing online communication with its "Summer of Freedom" campaign and giving away a 'Year of Freedom' to one lucky person. Its website gives users the chance to take part in weekly "video blogging" competitions plus the chance to be the lucky winner of a whole year of Freedom! To WIN all you have to do is visit the site! http://snipurl.com/playstationfreedom >> Star Wars clips << Biggest news this week is the release of the sixth and final Star Wars movie; Revenge of the Sith. Orange's roving reporter Mr Dresden got very excited and nipped down to a Star Wars convention to mix it with R2D2 and C3P0. Click here to see his little adventure http://www.orange.co.uk/starwars/droids.html >> Advertise in B3ta << Want to buy this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Cock logos, Pornalikes, Scotch eggs & Mingtones >> Phallic Logo Award: the Winners << The game designers across the nation are playing is: can they design a logo and get it approved without the client realising it's a big spurting penis? We asked you lot to send in the best cock logos from around the world for our team of experts to evaluate. Now we present to you the very cream of your cocks. http://b3ta.com/features/phalliclogoawards/ >> Pornalike quiz << "Isn't that her off of Eastenders?" When the porn gets a little bit dull we all like to amuse ourselves by spotting the models who look like celebs or people we know. So much so that ginger fuhrer Rob Manuel has based one of those interactive quizzes off the idea - can you tell the difference between Britney Spears and some dodgy old slapper? http://www2.b3ta.com/pornalike-quiz/ >> Giant scotch egg << B3ta's chef to the titans Fraser Lewry has been busy this week, whipping up another of his gigantic culinary concoctions. This time he's taken the egg of an ostrich and rendered it into that northern delicacy a colossal scotch egg. Although you can't fault his cooking skills, there's something about the idea of getting a mouthful of giant egg-white that turns our stomachs. Bleh. http://www.blogjam.com/2005/05/15/scotch-ostrich-e... >> Ringtone cunt << Reckless_Rik has a lot to answer for. The immensely sweary ringtone vid we featured last week prompted furious emails, such as, "We piped this very loudly through the office tannoy system for about 10 minutes on Friday and everyone went home for the weekend singing it to themselves (and some of the guys have kids at home!)" This week he's decided to produce a kinder, gentler version that he hopes "will appeal to the ladies." http://www.headstaggers.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : RAPE US WITH A WINE-GLASS It's funny names corner. Again. The searchable US sex offenders register that we featured a few weeks back. Some of you have been through it with it with a fine tooth-comb and reader Joe was delighted to tell us that there is a sex offender in Montana called Pat Littleboy. Ah, splendid whimsey. Also spotted this week 'Big cunt lorry' http://snipurl.com/khunt ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Jobsworths Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes and lies into one handy place on the interweb. Last week we asked for your encounters with the petty jobsworths out there that make life just so worth living: http://b3ta.com/questions/jobsworths/ #1 Council Refuse Site Attendant "With a load of garden rubbish to dispose of, I arrived at the tip to find a VERY long queue of people waiting to unload into a single garden waste skip. There were, however, a long line of empty skips, all with 'garden waste' painted on them. I asked a guy why they couldn't open up another skip: "Can't mate... it's more then me job's worth" (seriously). I thought 'bollocks to this', and started emptying my car into the next empty skip. He ran over to me, spitting with rage. "You can't do that. It's against the rules!!". "What are you going to do about it then?" I asked. "I'll... I'll... cone your car off!". And indeed he did, then he stood there and gave me a triumphant look... I picked up the cones and lobbed them into the skip too." (barmcake) #2 Revenue Protection Officer "My local train company employs some pretty offensive units, in particular one gentleman who seems to take great pleasure in harrassing by shouting and threatening them with court. One evening I clocked him getting on a train at Luton, so I thought Id have some fun with him - as soon as he entered the carriage I was sitting in I vaulted off the train and began to sprint down the platform. This was like a red rag to a bull: he jogs after me, frantically bellowing into his walkie talkie to "hold the train, hold the train!" When he reaches me he screams, "Get off the train or I will have you arrested." I ask him why, "you are deliberately trying to avoid paying your fare." I produce my season ticket, his face falls and he asks why I ran off? "You're a fat cunt, mate, and I reckon you needed a run" (bigmeuprudeboy) #3 Wetherspoons Bouncer "We wandered into a Wetherspoons in Leeds, but the only seats were in the non smoking area. No problem, but within 3 minutes the cubic doorman appeared and said "I'm sorry lads, I am going to have to ask you to leave, 'cos this is a non smoking area" *looks round to see who had sparked up* "But none of us are smoking" says I. He just pointed to my packet of snouts and said "but you might" (Milkno Sugar) We'd also like to celebrate the UK government Department of Work and Pensions, who have refused Dr.A access to B3ta by classifying it as 'useless'. "and this coming from the place that runs the fucking Child Support Agency," he splutters. >> This Week's Question << We want to know what happened when you met your other half's parents for the first time. Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/meettheparents/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates. >> Toast in the post << Send this guy some money and he'll cook up some toast, put a stamp on it and bung it in the mail. We like the idea of the problems it'd cause for the postman; butter and crumbs all over everybody else's letters. We don't like to think about what it would be like to eat after all of that. http://snipurl.com/toastinthepost >> Man-tights << Tights designed for a man. Not sure we understand this one. After all, if you're a man wanting to wear tights then surely the POINT is that they're designed for women? http://www.mapledrive.com/products/BZL6070.htm >> Bad fruit art << It's impressive in a way. Someone has used their utmost ingenuity and skill to unintentionally render this collection of luscious fruit and veg into an uncommonly menacing set of edible beasts. They look like zombies. Zombies with melons for heads... Brr. http://ueba.com.br/forums/index.php >> Magnetic fingers << Is there no end to the extremes people will go to to modify their bodies? This chappy has been putting magnets under his skin so that he can mysteriously pick up iron filings. This is possibly an idea for one-time-b3ta-regular Kitteny Berk, or Staple Balls as we liked to call him, who used to regularly place photos of his freshly-pierced penis amongst the kittens on our messageboard. Go on, Kitteny. Stick magnets in your cock. Then you'll always know which way is north. http://www.bmezine.com/news/pubring/20040226.html >> More inappropriate cocks << Nothing delights us more than finding an unexpected penis in mainstream media. Our mind was opened to such filth in the 1980s when a sneaky art editor working for the Wolverhampton's Express & Star stuck a bulging penis onto Superman in an advert for car exhausts. Imagine our continued joy in finding this "join the dots" badly-drawn cock on a children's book cover. (Scroll down.) http://www.janpienkowski.com/fun-and-games/ >> Sellotape art << A brief history lesson on cyber-begging: First there was savekaryn.com, where Karyn ran up a load of credit card debt and threw herself on the mercy of the web. She got her debt cleared, and a fancy-schmancy book deal too. Secondly, we had the titillating giveboobs.com, where a young lady asked for cash to increase her bust. She eventually got her tits, but Playboy never phoned. And now? Let us introduce you to Helen. She's an artist working in the medium of stickytape, and wishes to exchange her disturbing art for art school tuition fees. Hmm. We reckon these arty types often have low self-esteem, so there's probably a shag in it for you if you've got the cash. http://www.beefykoala.co.uk/ ------------------------------------------------- : GEEK OF THE WEEK - DOING STUFF BECAUSE THEY CAN Oil PC Think if you dunked all the gubbins from your PC into a bath of vegetable oil that it would break? Think again - it would be fine, as oil is a poor conductor of electricity. Gaze in wonder at the greasy joy of this German bloke's home computer, working happily under several inches of glistening oil. And if he overclocks it, he'll be able to cook chips. http://www.markusleonhardt.de/oelbilder.html ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from 'Conspiracy' Challenge Each week we run a competition to test your creative skills. We set a challenge and you open Photoshop and mess with our heads. Last week we wanted you to show us everything they don't want us to know about. http://b3ta.com/challenge/conspiracy/ Regular Bt3a challenge handler "Mystery_Bob" decided to judge the challenge himself - here are his 3 faves. Mystery_Bob writes - #1 "I knew it - So Stephen Hawking can stand after all. He just uses his cool electric buggy to go drag racing and pick up chicks. (Swaza) http://b3ta.com/board/4634013 #2 "Human Combustion - One of my rules in life is never argue with cats who can shoot lasers out of their eyes. It's a rule that has kept me alive so far.(Chance1234) http://b3ta.com/board/4632124 #3 "How the inernet works - I want to know where I can see monkeys with javelins. Please show me the monkeys with javelins! Please? (Zedd) http://b3ta.com/board/4630765 >> This Week's Challenge << This week, Sony PlayStation want to you make images about "freedom" and you can win a PS2 too. http://b3ta.com/challenge/sonyplaystationfreedom/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * SQUIRREL TAMPONS - Last week we wondered if someone had already invented them, so we could perhaps, make our fortune. Jimvin informs us, "Squirrels do not menstruate and hence would not need jam rags." Our dreams of rodent vadge-bung riches lie dashed. * KITTENWAR APPEAL - a few weeks ago b3ta regulars launched KittenWar, a site where kitten fights kitten in a battle of cute. Since launch it's done 35 million pages, and they need a new server. If you fancy helping out, then bung them a few quid via their appeal page. Think of the kittens! http://kittenwar.com/donate.html ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * FROZEN GUINNESS ICE POPS - now that it's coming up to summer, can you design a new alcoholic treat? * KICK ME POST-ITS - indulge in an international 'stickers on strangers backs' game. Start off with ten or so good photos, and open a blog calling for more entries. * VICKS SINEX EXPERIMENT - what does it do when you squirt it in your eyes? Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Special thanks to Leningrad, Thor_sonofodin and Delicious Tea. Links sent in by Kundalini wants his hand back (and an fp too, thanks), citroenax, babs just dreamt that nazi pixies were invading swizerland, todd, fred.fenster, Emily Bruce-Dickinson, geordiedeviant & wolverhampton gee. Top Tippery by Rob. Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob. Proofing by b4ta. They love it.(102314-25807) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Keep a few sliced loaves in the freezer and you'll have fresh toast every morning. BTW: We like serving a "toast medley" for our special friend. Take 4 slices, and spread each one with marmalade, jam, peanut butter and Marmite. Halve each slice and serve with hot coffee. (Serves 2) next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive