we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 180: "SKIVE OFF WORK SPECIAL" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * HACKS - USB Barbie * VID - Crap northern eggs * NSFW - Hook-wanking ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Crap northern egg stunt << Feeding our prejudices about northern folk; that they live in Coronation Street, keep coal in the bath and speak like George Formby - Asthesunsetz brings you this animation of a foolhardy little egg and his scooter-based misadventures. It'll put a smile on the most cynical face. http://www.davideodesign.co.uk/scoot.htm >> Blue-Tac snuff movie << "I've made a blue movie," boasts Toby, "it stars one man and his penis." Blimey. It's like Tony Hart meets Ron Jeremy. We're impressed but a little confused. http://snipurl.com/lightblue >> USB Barbie << We recently suggested combining teeny glamour dolls and affordable data storage capabilities by making a USB Barbie. Cody listened and we clapped with mongy joy. Hopefully Mattel should have this disturbing wonder in the shops for Christmas. http://www.b3ta.com/board/4577623 ------------------------------------------------ SKIVING TIP: Mental illness Trying to kill yourself and getting sectioned is still an effective method of skiving. (Reader Gandylion hasn't worked for almost two years now, and urges you all to give it a go.) ------------------------------------------------- : MY CATHETER OVERFLOWETH it's funny names corner Each week we complain we hate this feature, but we run it anyway. Because YOU love it. And we love you. Sort of. >> Ass Transport << An Estonian reader (who surprisingly isn't in the UK and cleaning our toilets) writes, "Ass Transport is a real company in Estonia. Oddly enough 'ass' does not mean anything in Estonian." http://snipurl.com/asstransport >> Big Norwegian Cunts << Following on with multi-lingual misunderstandings Luke reports, "I used to live in Oslo, and one day was delighted to see an English store-fitter's van driving through Sentrum (Oxford St equiv.), with the words 'STORE FITTER' writ large on the side of his van. Which translates into Norwegian as 'Big Cunts'." >> Peter Fillier << "I recently got buggered by the tax man", winces Amzphotos, "and the name of the chap I had to deal with? Peter Fillier." He he. Reminds us of some crappy old nerd joke about PDF files. >> Mustafa Bumin << We're steering well clear of this Turkish gentleman whose name suggests a taste for Greek love. http://www.anayasa.gov.tr/album/baskan01.htm ------------------------------------------------ SKIVING TIP: Reading in the bog A newspaper can be smuggled safely into the work toilets, tucked inside your sock like a shin-pad. ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates. >> Squirrel nutter << We all know a middle-aged woman who's obsessed with cats and thinks they are her babies. Demented Dolly Parton-lookalike Kelly Foxton has a similar and equally unhealthy relationship with her pet squirrel "Sugar Bush". She dresses him up in all kinds of stupid outfits - like Beatrix Potter for white trash. What makes this site especially disturbing is the stab at topicality, with tributes to 911, the war in Iraq and Tsunami victims. Bleh. http://www.sugarbushsquirrel.com/index.html >> Homo-erotic book covers << Oh to be working in the 1950s: graphic artists could put pure filth on a book-jacket and plead innocence. Yay to internet legend Maddox for an amusing write-up too. http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi >> Vomiting news reader << "I heard this on Sydney radio last week", splutters Joseph, "and thought you might like it. We have to salute this radio newsreader who gamely continues trying to broadcast, whilst vomiting copiously and obviously. It's the little noises at the back of the throat that got to us. http://www.crikey.com.au/images/2005/04/28-10E3PDY... >> Advertising that winds you up << Maybe a little dry for some of our readers, but we spent a happy afternoon reading these Advertising Standards Association case studies on the campaigns that caused complaints. Crazy Frog is there - but sadly they couldn't ban him. http://www.asa.org.uk/asa/focus/case_studies/ ------------------------------------------------ SKIVING TIP: Gameboy case-mod. Place your Gameboy inside an old calculator case. (Reader HelloCoco recently finished Wario Land 2 looking like he was doing hard sums.) ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO BOLLOCKS Big fire, Robot cat & arty toss >> Arson around << These silly boys should have known better than to pour about 5 gallons of petrol on to a huge bonfire made of very dry wood. The results are impressive to say the least, though we're not sure about the Hasselhoff-meets-Bowie backing music. http://www.big-boys.com/articles/bonfireblowup.htm... >> Nasty Japanese robot cat << Remember the rubbish animatronic cat in Sabrina the Teenage Witch? Well, the one in this advert is from Japan, even less life- like and a lot more sinister. We know if we gave one to Rocky the B3ta cat he would try to fuck it, before tearing it limb from limb. http://www.necoro.com/theater/broad/vp.mov >> Title sequence cut-ups << Strictly for the film nerds, this video squashes thousands of film titles into a short video to help you choose what to view this evening. Utterly unwatchable, but if you wait for it to load and then move the frame head backwards and forwards the material is rather fascinating. Boy, didn't Hollywood make a lot of shit films. http://www.cuechamp.com/working_title.htm ------------------------------------------------- SKIVING TIP: Read an e-book. Download the classic of your choice from Project Gutenburg, paste it into word or a new email & pretend you are writing a letter. (Contributor Tinkerty Tonk has just finished reading Code of the Woosters.) ------------------------------------------------- : NSFW CORNER What we've been fwapping to this week >> Abu Hamza's favourite website << Just because your hands have been replaced with hooks doesn't mean you can't enjoy yourself. A truly inspirational site and let's hope the warders at Belmarsh Prison will be showing it old Hooky himself. Hook! http://snipurl.com/epi2 >> Dermot O'Leary - the future << Taking over from goatse as the number 1 image to repel your mates with is Lemon Party, a charming trio of old gentlemen orally satisfying each other. Not sure how it ended up associated with chirpy British TV host Dermot, maybe he can get in touch and tell us. This link will certainly be doing the rounds in TV production circles this week. http://www.dermotoleary.co.uk/ ------------------------------------------------ SKIVING TIP: Become a priest You can simply close your eyes and skive. If anyone asks you what you're doing, tell them you're having a pray. (Thanks to B3ta Priest Fr_Jerry_McGwier for this, who also points out that he doesn't even believe in God.) ------------------------------------------------- : WHERE WE'VE BEEN LURKING THIS WEEK Clown forum Messageboards are a great place to peer into another world. This week we've been loving the clown forum, which brings us a flavour of life outside the Big Top. GiGi's husband bought her a unicycle - as you do if the wife's a clown, while Sally Jo got everyone talking when she suggested that clowns should break with tradition and wear less make-up. http://www.clown-forum.com/forum-1.html ------------------------------------------------ SKIVING TIP: Lunch run Get lunch for people in the office. Everyone thinks you are being really helpful and you get a hour off wandering around the shops. ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Little cheetahs vs Japanese babies We loved these infant cheetahs with their Don King hairdos and strangely solemn expressions. We want to hug them - though we'd probably end up in hospital if we did. http://cheetahs-rock.de/gallery.htm Probably one for the ladies (or the paedos) but even the most bitter and twisted among you couldn't fail to find these pictures cute. Yay for kids with pots stuck on their heads. http://www.toothpastefordinner.com/japanese-babies... BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on the web recently? Tell us. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------ SKIVING TIP: Rendering Anyone who works in 3D animation and film production knows this trick. Stick your computer on render at 10 in the morning and complain all day, "I really need to be getting on with stuff but my PC is busy" ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the 'Mysteries of the Universe' Challenge Each week we run a competition to test your creative skills. We set a challenge and you open Photoshop and mess with our heads. Last week we wanted you to explain all the stuff that goes on everywhere. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/mysteries/ We asked B3ta boarder Beau Bo d'Or judge the entries - here are his 3 faves. Beau writes - #1 "How gravity works - Just damn clever and childishly standout funny. (the hedgehog can never be buggered at all) http://www.b3ta.com/board/4570096 #2 "She was just an ordinary girl - A different angle on one of the most famously different angles of internet history. (The Sunshine Elephant) http://www.b3ta.com/board/4573913 #3 "The Eater of Socks - Class, that is all, well no (not really). Let's all get together and give this person some colour pencils. Then we can all sue him when he gets famous using our gear. (NobbyNobody) http://www.b3ta.com/board/4580905 >> This Week's Challenge << This week, b3ta contributor Kna gave us the suggestion, "18 Certificate films remade for children" http://b3ta.com/challenge/18toU/ ------------------------------------------------ SKIVING TIP: The Dole Visiting the Job Centre for 5 minutes every fortnight works out at about a grand an hour, do the maths, and you don't even have to wear a tie. ------------------------------------------------ : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2 Cloud game, Scary vag nonsense >> Jumpy cloud game << "I've made little game," mumbles Quiet Phil, "for my band's website." Woo. Imaginative gameplay here - plan is to leap high and race the little bunny to the sky, whilst avoiding evil thunder clouds. http://www.zebedeenumchuck.co.uk/games/game1.html >> Scary vag sponge scam << Remember Birdparty? We recently linked to her winding up perverts using dating websites. She writes, "Our latest is a string of emails with the makers of a contraceptive sponge." The joy is in her descriptions of her unsavoury afflictions, and the PR's persistent desire to get her on telly to promote the vile product. http://snipurl.com/spongeworthy ------------------------------------------------- SKIVING TIP: Diarrhoea If you work in a food environment, a complaint of diarrhoea will make your boss send you home in a hurry. What? You don't have diarrhoea? They don't know that. And they never will. ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Petty Sabotage We're interested in those small acts of random malice that make life worth living, such as the time when we put magnets on our brother's collection of ZX81 cassettes, so when he attempted to play them they were full of errors and yet apparently undamaged. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/pettysabotage/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * EXPRESSIONLESS GIRL - last week we linked to a series of photos of a young lady whose expression never changed. Many of you were disappointed as the site went down shortly afterwards. Thanks to B3ta reader markta who grabbed the pics and stuck them into a video loop which really makes the point about how bloody odd these images really are: http://snipurl.com/expressionlessgirl * THICK READERS - adam writes, "I am currently in Australia and today took a trip to Steve Irwin's zoo. On hearing that there would be Koala bears there I remembered my new-found knowledge about them that I gleaned from B3ta's question of the week a few weeks back, and attempted to impress the zoo keeper with the fact of they explode if left on their own. He pissed himself laughing." Doh! * B3TA OWNS GOOGLE - YOUR RESULTS #5 wanking off a hippo #4 david blunkett having sex with a little lamb #2 ainsley harriott sucking off the pope #2 mong #1 zoos are basically giant brothels Yay. Enough of this now. You've proved your point. * FUNNY NAMES UPDATE - Ally_Baby got in touch to point out that the Turkish company ARCELIK is owned by the KOC HOLDING GROUP. You couldn't make it up. ------------------------------------------------ SKIVING TIP: Corner desk The easy way to skive: Obtain desk in a corner and point monitor away from colleagues. Cocky readers might even like to surf porn in a crowded office. ------------------------------------------------ : GAME OF THE WEEK Bill Cosby - murderer Obviously we've been watching the wrong news channels and haven't caught the stories of one-time TV star Cosby and his murderous ways. Re-live the action in this depraved game of tempting young ladies with pudding, whacking them with a camera and burying them in a pit. Wonderful entertainment. http://snipurl.com/cosby ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * VIDEO PHONE MUGGINGS - a friend of ours was recently mugged and and then filmed with a 3G phone by a gang of yobs in South London. If you've mugged anyone recently then send us the clips. * MANUFACTURERS TO SEND US FREE STUFF - the makers of Tetris Tower 3D got in touch after last weeks mention and sent us a free one. We still haven't worked out how to play it, but it makes a very nice ornament for our nerd centre. Maybe the people who make the robo kitten fancy sticking one in the post? * REVOLT US - are you more goat than goatse? DO you put the lemon in the party? Maybe you shit on tub girl. Trained operatives are waiting for your email. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with Lucy Reese and help from David Stevenson. Links sent in by kk, mitcheson, paul, Naomi, Frankie Pigeon, AndMcC, Barnaclese, Sooz, oceanhippie, fred.fenster, pantherwest, tom, mrlipring and the lovely scott.r.anderson Top Tippery by me. Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob. Proofing by the massive b4ta mpegs. (101998 - 25395) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Don't waste your cash on expensive Athlete's Foot remedies. Simple Cillit Bang works just as well in killing the fungus that causes the rot. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive