we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 178 - "HAPPY BIRTHDAY MR HITLER FROM YOUR WILLING SERVANT ON EARTH, POPE BENEDICT XVI" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * ANIM - Camilla Queen * GAME - Traffic light simulator * T-SHIRTS - B3ta artist of the week ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Advertise in B3ta << Want to buy this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Camillia Queen, Traffic game, Cats & Cooking >> Camilla Queen << Britain is a funny old place, we've inherited a peculiar anachronism called the Royal Family, no one quite knows why they exist, including increasingly themselves. Since Diana died, even the tabloids have given up on them a bit, preferring to create a new royal family from various members of reality shows and thick muppets from football. But it's all changed now! We've got Camilla - she smokes tabs, does dirty middle-aged stink sex, and hopefully one day she'll be our Queen. And maybe, just maybe, the nation shall sing-as-one this stirring anthem created by Doghorse with visual stuff from his anim-bitch, eclectech. Wicked. http://eclectech.co.uk/camillaqueen.php >> Traffic game << We forget what it was called but we remember reading Amstrad Computer User in the mid 80s and it reviewed a game where you controlled the traffic lights in some kind god-like traffic warden thing. We didn't buy it but we always thought it sounded cool as fuck. Looks like Geheee read the same mags as us and has produced this, rather fantastic little distraction. Woo. BTW: Geheee mentions that his sister is a big fan of b3ta, so hopefully she'll be sending us some photos of her tits. http://www.geheee.com/games/trafficcontrol2.html >> Cat buckaroo << "I like to play buckaroo", boasts MrA manfully, "with my fat cat Wesley." Woo. We like this mainly because we recognise our own behaviour: there's nothing we like better than placing objects on B3ta cat Rocky's head, maybe a fag packet or a bottle-top, and watch it slide off, with Rocky all undignified and slightly perturbed. You'll laugh. You didn't? You bunch of dull cunts, we don't know why we bother. http://www.ashearer.f2s.com/blog/ >> Fraser's Cookery Corner: Pork Pie << Fraser. Mr Fraser to you has been a long time back-room boy in B3ta towers, supplying some of the filthiest, most depraved links to this very newsletter. Now is the time for him to step from behind the curtain and reveal his true self: a secret chef. This week he cooked impressively huge pork pie. Now, trust us, this is good shit man, fuck all the flash bullshit, this is what the hip kids are into. BTW: We hope to be including Fraser’s cooking as an irregular feature. http://www.blogjam.com/2005/04/17/pork-pie/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA PEOPLE T-SHIRTS You for to have, hold and wear You know like we run a website? You might have seen it? You know there's like thousands of people who sit there daily making all those Photoshop images all-day? We've done the obvious. We're picking a B3ta person each Friday, and they'll be featured as a "B3ta t-shirt artist of the week" and you'll have the once-in-your-lifetime opportunity of wearing their fabulous artwork on your chest. This week we've got Beau Bo D'Or with his wootastic Thorahirds shirt. Buy them now, they're lucky and you'll definitely get a shag. http://www.spice.co.uk/b3ta.php ------------------------------------------------- : HUMAN ZOO Old man in sex-waders Possibly the most disturbing realisation for young people is that old codgers still engage in a sexual life. This chappy doesn't give a flying hoot what you think, and is happy to parade about his website in fetching rubber boots, and a nice potato-enhanced cock bulge too. It's like finding S&M contact photos for the Captain Birdseye. http://leatheroaks.org/Pages/WaderTwo.html ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK - I Guilty Pleasures Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes and lies into one handy place on the interweb. Since we had a week off sunning ourselves last week, we've got two lots of answers for you. First up are your guilty pleasures. Trying to pick the three best was impossible - they're all good. We feel used just reading them: http://b3ta.com/questions/guiltypleasures/ * Knickers, part I "I teach biomed students how to use microscopes. The class, 150 in all, is about 90% female. From the back of the lab, just as they are all leaning forward, I am witness to a gasp inducing view. An ocean of knickers, thongs, tattoos and cracks. I spend most of the 2 hour class back there." (ghetto soldier) * Squeezing spots "My boyfriend thinks he's allergic to something. Haven't got round to telling him that the red blotchiness on his back is caused by me poking at him for hours while he's sleeping... I derive great pleasure from squeezing the really tiny ones that have lots of pus without waking him up. Bliss." (deadly) * Knickers, part II "What a pleasure it is to take the Mrs' dirty pants out of the laundry basket and put them back in her knicker draw. She's downstairs now and I've just done another three pairs..." (tell me about the rabbits) ------------------------------------------------- : MUMMY, THE CILLIT BANG HURTS MY EYES It's funny names corner You know the score. Each week we complain that we're bored to the back-teeth of funny names, and each week you send more and more. And you fucking love it. Only yesterday we were wandering about Kentish Town when we bumped into one of our lovely readers who said, "Yeah! Love the funny names stuff, I was a school with this guy called Kerr, just like that Wayne Kerr bloke last week." He also asked us confusing questions about how to make a disco light-show, but we ignored that bit. (Hello Mark.) Ok. You want this bilge, so you are going to get it. >> Company Cunt Trio << This week you've found three UK companies with lady-sex-bit inspired names, we've got T.WATTS & SONS in Middlesex, VAG HOLDING LIMITED in Yorkshire and the more obvious K.Z. KUNTZ INTERNATIONAL LIMITED in Southend on Sea. If you want more of this rubbish then visit company record site, ukdata.com and type in the swearwords of your choice. You sad muppets. >> Obvious George W Bush is thick jibe << Call us cynical, but Bush doesn't make us laugh. Not the twee fence-sitting of JibJab's "This land is mine" or the photos of Dubya reading children’s books up-side-down, however, despite our jaded world view, we couldn't help ourselves having a little grin at this one. SHEESH! You have us. We're never going to be free of this stuff. In 20 years time we'll be booked in TVs I Love 2005 and have to trot out the same crap. DO YOU SEE? DO YOU SEE DEAR READERS? WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO US! http://www.cia.gov/cia/information/bush.html ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA VIDEO TOP FOUR der duh deh duh! (t t t t) Hey pop cunts! Here's the best video shit we've seen this week. If we were running the God Channel these would be on a continual loop. #1 BREAKDANCING THALIDOMIDE VICTIM In the 1960s, mum-ladies didn't want the pain of morning sickness and turned to super-science to give them magic-drugs. Sadly it had the side effect of producing children with less limbs than the normally requisite four. Doesn't stop them break-dancing though. See him go. Wheee! http://dickcream.com #2 MENTAL CAT DRUMMER Hardcore webbers will have seen the Americas Funniest Home Videos style clip of the cat boxing a child’s head, but this remix is relentless, hardcore and made us do the laughter spunk. http://www.putfile.com/media.php #3 MORE BREAKDANCING - THIS TIME WITH A POPE We've got a new Pope. Okay, he was a member of Hitler Youth and served in World War II with the Nazis, but as he's about 78, hopefully he won't be about too long. Anyway, remember Jean Paul in style, with this fine clip of the one-time catholic tsar blessing break dancers. Oh - and £50 to the first B3ta person who can get the new one to bless Carol Decker, or some other vacuous cretin. http://snipurl.com/dw2p #4 NINTENDO CHOIR Nintendo can do no wrong in our eyes, we're fucking fan-boys. If you haven't bought a DS yet, then get to the shops - and make sure you get a copy of Warioware too: you'll have the biggest party in your hands since you first discovered digital stimulation. Anyhows, check these choir fools singing the Mario theme. We wanted to hate them (for being choiry twats) but love it, anyway. http://gprime.net/video.php/nintendothemesacappell... ------------------------------------------------- : NSFW CORNER Stuff to fwap over >> Fake cunt << Back when we were students, we knew a lovely man called Mohammed Abdul Hameed. His first party trick was too pop his boy-cock betwixt his legs and pretend to be a lady. (His second involved leaving glasses of piss around the flat and on questioning, enthusiastically stating, "woo!") Anyway, even Mohammed never resorted to sellotape to complete the effect. Impressive stuff. http://www.canal96.com/extra/strange/sexchange/ >> Bukkake Bread << We at B3ta are kings of bukkake. Christ, until a week ago we were the number 1 google search return for it. Actually. Sod this write-up, let's talk about B3ta owning Google for odd phrases. Wanking: number 4. Jailbait: number 3. Shemale: number 2. I love you: number 1. Anyway, enjoy these pics of spicy gingerbread ladies, covered in oodles of man-icing. BTW: To the web marketing twats out there. Yes, we know this site only exists to boost the page-rank of some Viagra bollocks. But it's funny, so we don't care. http://www.porn-bread.com/bukkake.htm ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates. >> Ambulance blog << Haven't got much time for blogs at B3ta towers, we're quick-hit monkeys, and want a laugh in 15 seconds else we press the back key. But this is different. We spent a good five hours reading almost every word on this site and fucking loved it. It's a true-life account of working as an Ambulance driver, delving into the pivot of peoples emotional and physical crisis’s. Publishers: sign up this guy to write a book, really - you'd have a surprise hit on your hands. http://randomreality.blogware.com/ >> Google maps << Every shitting website this week was banging on about the wonder of the UK version of the Google maps. Yes it is fantastic, and yes, if you work at streetmap / multimap / upmytwat, you should find a new job as your are SO going out of business, all true, but we were getting our jollies from typing silly things into the search. Like this one, to find the crappiest restaurants in London. (Oh, we're so posh, like we're pretending we eat in restaurants now.) http://snipurl.com/e56s >> Camp geek home theatre << Argh! Our brains asplode! We consider ourselves home-theatre twats at B3ta. We've got our 42 inch plasma, and like nothing better than watching Pat Butcher astride our living room like the butch lezzer that she is. But not even us could be arsed to decorate the whole room sub-massage parlour stylee. Respect. http://theater.stevejenkins.com/gallery/complete/ >> Cool tiny cars << Cars are as dull as shit and only wankers drive them. That's why the bestest racing game is Mario Kart, i.e. one that dispenses with the nonsense of realism and gives us what the kids want: the ability to throw bananas at the other players. And following on, in a cock-eyed attempt attempt at being slick, check these cars, they're Mario Kart for real. Or some kind of insanely gay Japanese tiny tiny Smart car. You might get a couple of old-school laughs from the Engrish too. http://snipurl.com/e6eg >> Secret TV pics << This link was sent in asking us to basically laugh at the geeky bloke. But no, we actually found it pretty interesting. Apparently you can pick up foreign telly by attaching a ham-radio to your PC. Frankly the tech descriptions were beyond us, but if there are any readers out there who fancy giving it a go, we'd be interested to see the results. http://www.g4nsj.co.uk/sstv.shtml >> Chinese melon carving << If you're anal enough to read the credits on B3ta, you'll know the newsletter letter is mostly written by Rob (me) and Dave. Well, Dave is away this week (buying sex shoes in New York for his fancy Doctor woman). Anyway, he's the chap who likes sticking in arty links, and this fruit-art is one of his. Fuck knows what I can say about it, as "ooh can't I make pretty?" stuff bores me to tears. Enjoy. http://www.americade.info/melons1.htm ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Puppies V Kittens The debate rages. Bums or tits? Wanking or spanners? Tony or those other two? We all know the only question that discerning readers are asking is... Puppies or kittens? Here's the puppies: http://www.mytoller.net/photos/tollerbay/6w_misc.h... Here's the kittens. http://www.sirucats.com/ You do the maths. Shit. Why can't we have a SMS PopIdol-style vote on this? We'd make a cocking fortune! (And with the TV special we might get a chance to do Tess Daly up the wrong-un.) BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on the web recently? Tell us. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK - II Things that made you cry There's some sad, sad stories told here. But you are reading the newsletter for some laughs on a Friday, so here's some of the funnier ones: http://b3ta.com/questions/crybabies/ * Priorities... "I had to inform a lady that we could not revive her husband of 62 years. I sat with her and consoled her as best I could. "You must have loved him very much", I asked. Through a torrent of tears and uncontrollable sobbing she replied, "To be honest he was a mean and vicious bastard - always hitting me and not a gentleman in the bedroom at all. I grew to hate him." Some of what she told me beggared belief. Saddened as I was, I maintained my professional composure and relative detachment as best I could... It was whilst I was walking back to my ambulance that I failed to notice the concrete kerbing, tripped and impacted my knee on a jagged rock, somehow also twisting my scrotum as I fell... Now _that_ brought the tears to my eyes." (emadex) * Chilli "New bird, invited her over for dinner, cook my patent veggie fajitas, featuring nice fresh chillis. Decide to grab a quick shower so as to be all sparklin' on the off chance she gets drunk enough to sleep with me. Now then - we all know chaps should never go out with a loaded gun if there's the slightest chance of knocking boots, don't we? 30 seconds in... all it's like the RAF has called in half a dozen napalm strikes onto my bellend. Cry? Nearly fucking shat myself the pain was so bad. Cue an excruciating evening of crossed legs, wincing, watering eyes and constant trips to the bog to dip my cock in a sink of cold water." (Grouch) * Sandwich "The last time I cried was Sunday when I spent almost 15 minutes making a perfect sandwich, then, as I was walking into the living room, I tripped over my cat and my sandwich went all over the floor and my fucking cat started eating it." (Kerflabjeje) >> This Week's Question << We'd like your holiday stories. Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/holidays/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the 'Accident Waiting to Happen' Challenge Each week we run a competition to test your creative skills. We set a challenge and you open Photoshop and mess with our heads. Two weeks ago we wanted you to show us stuff guaranteed to end in tragedy and disaster. http://b3ta.com/challenge/accident/ We asked b3ta boarder Maiden to judge the entries - here are her 3 faves. Maiden writes - #1 Pissed-off Stormtrooper - This is b3ta comedy at it's best, albeit a repost it's a worthy one simply because it features Stormtroopers and Lord Vader in a slapstick situation, one simply couldn't ask for more. (Manic) http://b3ta.com/board/4471450 #2 Comedy Offices - Smallbrainfield has hummus coming out of his ears and I hate him for it. If there was ever a pratfall/slapstick/ accident waiting to happen situation then he's encapsulated the lot in one office block. (Smallbrainfield) http://b3ta.com/board/4482433 #3 Angry Bees - Anybody who keeps angry bees next to the jam is just asking for trouble, surely angry bees belong in the fridge or next to the angry hornets. Haha http://b3ta.com/board/4476658 As seems fitting with challenge judging tradition a special mention goes out to JimmerUK for his twist upon an old classic meme, very stylishly handled although perhaps a little unreal as there is no parts of a bridge visible. http://b3ta.com/board/4516179 Results from the 'Space Monkey' Challenge Last week, we wanted you to show us the exciting lives and adventures of Nasa's space monkeys. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/spacemonkeys/ We asked b3ta boarder Dave The Hat to judge this time - here are his 3 faves. Dave writes - #1 Star Man-drill - Hummus, Top-shoppery and a crap pun. Great! (Darryn.R) http://www.b3ta.com/board/4524579 #2 Emergency on the planet of the Giant Bananas - Excellent animation, backgrounds and shadows. Oh! and banana is a alien! (Quelabra) http://www.b3ta.com/board/4534448 #3 No wonder they're so red - I had a last minute mind change for this. Just great animation and hummus! http://www.b3ta.com/board/4536365 Honorary mention to Greblord for his Tip-top Vader Shop. http://www.b3ta.com/board/4532619 >> This Week's Challenge << This week, b3ta contributor Reckless_Rik gave us the suggestion, "Crappy Movie Merchandise" http://b3ta.com/challenge/moviemerchandise/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * APACHE MAN NAMED - we featured a mustached Dane playing a disco version of The Shadows' Apache. The Danish press has been going mental for it, tracking down the culprit to 70s Eurovision Song Contest contestant Tommy Seebach, with TV2 Nettavisen describing his performance as "probably the worst music video of the 70s." A difficult choice as no one made a good pop video until Ultravox's Vienna. * COFFEE COCKS - we asked you to draw penises in poncey latte froth, and MrLipring gushes, "I got my girlfriend - who works in a coffee shop/web cafe - make a latte art thing of a cock. She did a sterling job, and there's even a little jet of spunk." Woo. Our kind of lady. http://www.flickr.com/photos/mrlipring/8857633/ * CILLIT BANGED TO RIGHTS - we recently revealed that hardcore cleaning sensation Cillit Bang wasn't quite as effective on coins as the adverts would have you believe. The ad has been pulled for being "oversimplified" by the Advertising Standards Agency after 26 complaints. Re-live the magic via the remix. http://www.luckykazoo.com/media/2005/03/cillit-ban... * BLACKED-UP STARS IN THEIR EYES - a full mailbox from our Australian cousins, Johnny_Twosprouts jabbers, "ten years ago, there was a Asian guy who did a cracking Tom Jones complete with a Nunchuka demonstration." whilst djkl buts in, "it's called Star Struck here, has completely tanked, complete with a blonde old white slapper done up as Tina Turner circa Mad Max 3 Beyond Thunderdome, and a Polynesian bloke covered in chocolate to do Barry White." Ripper. Those dingo-gobblers sure know how to do TV. * TREE FUCKER, FOUND - xtine confesses, "I wanted to thank you for putting the link to the registered sex offenders. I found out that a man who lives on the street behind me was convicted of crimes against nature. I think I will move before I see some random dude humping a tree in my back yard. Thanks B3ta." Yay. Now set a honey-trap using a provocative young sapling in a mini-skirt. * MORE NOKIA SMS GAMES - Cts texts with his over-large thumb, "with predictive text turned on, write coal. Now for the fun bit - press the asterisk button to change the word. Now press it again." Ha ha. We like this. ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Meow busters It's raining kittens in this game'n'watch-esque test of reflexes. What at first seems like innocent fun soon shows its true colours as you are rewarded with broken paws and kitten viscera if you fail to stop the plummeting felines gravity challenged fate. http://www.mousebreaker.com/games/mmeoww/ ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * SELLOTAPE MAN - cover your entire body in tape. Take lots of photos. Especially of your raw skin afterwards. * NIPPLE COCKS - made from foam-filled cloth with a ball-bearing for weight. Attach to sleeveless shirt, for spiny gay club dancing. Video required for this. * USB BARBIE - the head pulls off to make a memory stick. We just like the idea of her dismembered head poking out the side of a PC. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with some help from Mike and Ben. Links sent in by tom jeffs, rouadec, chrispickford, moogman, Olembe, loony_toon666, nstokeo, Arksworld, Mobius, Kate Factorial, giro_1, flobble_1, zen22568, Lawrence Cooke, black moon, ralfschnabel1, and Barnaclese. Top Tippery by Ben Wheatley. Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob. Proofing by the b4ta. With notepad. (101814 - 24551) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Upgrade your NTL broadband connection from 750k to 2mb by simply phoning them up and asking them to turn it on. They've got a free upgrade thing and they've been keeping it secret. The cunts. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive