we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 177: "AMERICA, WE STAND AS ONE" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * ROCK - 'America We Stand As One' * KOSHER - Jewish chew toys * PHOTOS - "My buttery vagina shame" ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Advertise in B3ta << Want to buy this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF #1 Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates. >> Super-patriot rock vid << Dennis Madalone: The Star Trek stunt coordinator is now on a mission for God and America, judging by this stupendous slice of bombastic rock. Short on lyrics, but long on angels and firemen, we could scarcely believe what we were seeing. http://www.luckykazoo.com/media/2005/04/america-we... >> Tramp-juice reviews << You're on a serious mission to get pissed, but unsure which super-strength kidney poison lager to plump for? Here's your answer: Short reviews of the most palatable ways to drink yourself to oblivion in a car park somewhere. Break out the Amsterdam Maximator. http://www.trampjuice.tk/ >> Bomb your bookmarks << Rain mayhem on your favourite site, with this amusing online toy. Type in the web address and select the method of destruction from the pull-down menu. About as close as you'll get to Ming the Merciless's now-legendary control panel. http://snipurl.com/dwci >> Uber Nintendo fan << Surely there's some sort of critical mass to be reached, where you're so busy with the games you've got you can't go out and buy any more. Not if you're this obsessive games nut it seems. B3ta salutes you sir, for your superlative time-wasting skills. http://www.nescapades.com/gameroom.htm >> Jewish chew toys << Pet toys for kosher canines: A little redundant, we think. Everybody knows that dogs are all Buddhists. And cats very clearly worship Satan. http://jewishbazaar.com/BAZAAR/DogCatToys.HTM ------------------------------------------------- : SHOP WATCH Sex toy reviews Found on the ratings section of a sex toy web shop. 2 AA Batteries: "Not nearly big enough... also need pull string for easier removal. It took me over an hour to get them out of my ass with a pair of pliers! I think I lost one!" ------------------------------------------------- : "I'M NOT x BUT..." This week's fun with Google This week we've all been searching Google for stupid ways people start sentences, then sniggering at the results.. We especially liked: * I'm not Racist, but... "I sure do like making fun of black people in Pringles commercials!” * I'm not a paedo! but... "I do like kids and want to have some of my own." * She'd only gone and... "left a pot of Stilton that should have been kept refrigerated by a lovely warm radiator." ------------------------------------------------- : SEX TIPS FOR B3TARDS Masturbation master-class In what amounts to a teenage boy's Karma Sutra, each position and technique is rated according to difficulty and lubrication required. The animated images of some of the more unorthodox methods made us wince and, almost unthinkably, actually put us off wanking for a couple of minutes. NSFW, as if you couldn't have guessed. http://advancedmasturbation.com/24.html ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Things you don't understand Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes and lies into one handy place on the interweb. Last week we asked you to tell us what you never quite understood: http://b3ta.com/questions/huh/ * Toast "My mother was useless in the kitchen: when I was young, I honestly thought you made toast by putting it under the grill until it turns black and then taking it out and scraping all the black bits off. It wasn't until I was round a mate's house that I saw him take the toast out before it went black and thought "What a fucking awesome idea!" (Legless) * CID "For quite some time, I thought I knew what CID meant. Alas, it turns out it doesn't mean 'Cops In Disguise' after all. Shame really." (clendrix) * This Life "For many years now, I have been using the 'Fred Basset' as the minimal unit of humour in comic strips. Then the Metro started printing 'This Life'. I'm not sure that you could find even one amateur web comic drawn by a spastic 7-year-old that is as shit as This Life. This isn't like the discovery of subatomic particles, it's as though someone has discovered negative Kelvin." (Rastas P Watermelon) >> This Week's Question << We'd like you to confess your guilty pleasures. Talk to us here - we're off to try the thing with the banana: http://b3ta.com/questions/guiltypleasures/ ------------------------------------------------- * I don't hate women, but... "I do think fat feminists probably have smelly twats." ------------------------------------------------- : WE'RE SHITTING GLASS Please God No it's the return of Funny Names >> Aryan Justice << We can only assume this little girl's parents intend for her to become some sort of Nazi messiah. Still, it's a steady job, we suppose. http://snipurl.com/dwbl >> Therapistfinder.net << Sounds like a man in a special hat who goes tracking down sex offenders - kind of like Charles Bronson in the Death Wish films. http://www.therapistfinder.net/ >> Shri V.D. Dikshit << spamcicle writes, "I'm in an archaeology class, and we recently talked about the prominent Indian archaeologist Shri V.D. Dikshit. Hee hee." ------------------------------------------------- * I'm not gay but... "I've always wanted to try a mutual masturbation session. I'm not gay but I am curious. I have two problems. I am married (my wife would definitely not understand) and I am a very fat man." ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF #2 Other stuff we like. >> Butter vagina << We're not afraid of the female genitalia. But it's not necessarily the kind of thing we'd be expecting laid out in front of us when we'd just opened a new tub of low-fat spread. http://www.difflock.com/discus/messages/28438/7750... >> Right-wing t-shirts << You're wanting to really piss off everyone you meet, with your rebellious and unpredictable opinions. Some stupid cartoon making Bush look bad isn't going to cut it: people will just agree with you. Instead, why not try one of these ragingly right-wing beauties? http://www.christianshirts.net/ >> Are you a paedo in New York? << It's a searchable Sex Offenders register for the States. Always amusing to type in your boss's name, or maybe just look for rude words. http://www.criminalcheck.com/ >> Harelip kitten << Aww. Poor little Tiddles. He looks so mournful. And deformed. This is why it should be illegal for siblings to marry each other. http://www.pbase.com/lecook/image/31587496 >> Penny-stacking supremo << This is what happens when bored engineers get hold of that huge jar of pennies you've been meaning to take down the bank. We'd like to see a stylish but affordable bathroom suite next please. http://www.fincher.org/Misc/Pennies/ >> You vs. the 5-year-olds << We've all thought about it: Aliens come down and kill everyone over the age of five, except for you. How long could you last in a world of toddlers reverted to barbarism? The great debate begins here. http://snipurl.com/kidattackdebate ------------------------------------------------- * I'd rather stick my cock in... "a jar of angry bees!" "a sausage slicer than up your arse, mate." "a fixtured vice and walk backwards." "a snapping turtle's jaws and trust him not to do the worst." ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Little dogs and kittens A tiny puppy, frolicking with dolls' house-sized props and an expression of good-natured astonishment. Bless. http://www.liewcf.com/wp/archives/2005/04/cute-min... A collection of cute, yet slightly odd, pics of baby cats. You may like to think you're immune to this stuff... closer to the truth to say you can't get enough. http://www.livejournal.com/users/meowmeowbutt/1205... BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on the web recently? Tell us. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- * Her breasts were like... "artillery shells and yet her buttocks were the size of a baby chimpanzee's." "goose eggs, but soft." "little famous women scientists." "rounded eyes staring accusingly." "empty triangular water bags." ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Zoom Challenge Each week we run a competition to test your creative skills. We set a challenge and you open Photoshop and mess with our heads. Last week we wanted you to show us things in Extreme Close Up. http://b3ta.com/challenge/zoom We asked b3ta boarder 'Little Miss Sunshine' to judge the entries - here are her 3 faves. Miss Sunshine writes - #1 "After years of research - things I enjoy seeing in photoshopped pictures; bunnies in lab coats, microscopes, Cadbury Creme Eggs. The choice of winner was really quite easy for me this week. (wingpig) http://www.b3ta.com/board/4445073 #2 "I knew it - Bonus points here, not only for a pun of spectacularly bad proportions, but it also looks so tasty. (shin0r) http://www.b3ta.com/board/4452986 #3 "Who'da thunk it? - Those funny, stripy, horsey things in the zoo are covered in pictures of the 'Terry and June' of pop. Hurrah! (Slapnutz)" http://www.b3ta.com/board/4440788 >> This Week's Challenge << This week, b3ta contributor 'enthusiastic amateur' gave us the suggestion, "An accident waiting to happen" http://b3ta.com/challenge/accident/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * MORE MOBILES TRIVIA - LP writes, "Turn on predictive text and try to type in that oh so popular brand of vodka 'Smirnoff' - You get a curiously appropriate result." Fancy! * CONTRAPTION MAN SAYS - "I'm one of the four bone-idle Cambridge students that built the strange device you featured back in Newsletter 173. We got a polite email from the University computing department a couple of days after the newsletter was published... Seems we used up about 15% of the Uni's entire network traffic on those two days, which is nice. We're also now the first result for a Google search for 'contraption.'" Fear the mighty power of B3ta. * ONION SMELL - Digeridude, fresh from slaving over a hot stove says, "In newsletter 176 you talked about the easiest way to remove onion smell, involving salt, lemons, and water. There is an easier way! Rub your hands with a steel spoon under cold water." This is because steel and onions are natural enemies in the wild. * BAD ADVICE - "It's probably a bit dangerous," burbles classic315, "but if you get a cotton wool bud and dip it it Cillit Bang... and gently rub it on your teeth, without dripping. It works! Nice white teeth." No. You are a very wrong and bad person. And the fumes will probably make you blind. ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Hang things on the hangers and keep them out of the water. If you keep the whole lot dry for long enough you'll get another thing to add to your fishy mobile. Watch out for seagulls! http://www.vectorpark.com/films/levers.swf ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * AMATEUR STARS IN THEIR EYES - We'd like to see the rules of the game relaxed a bit. At the moment you aren't allowed to imitate a singer of another gender or race. Where's the fun in that? We want to see Gary Bushell blacked-up as Aretha Franklin. * EMOTIONBOTOX.COM - recreate the wonderful emotioneric.com site in its entirety with people who have just received botox treatment. We'd love to see the expressionless Kylies of the world attempting "Ice Cream Headache", "Gigantic morning wood" and the botox- impossibility "pensive". * YOUR USUAL MIX of funny/clever/stupid and horrendously crap stuff. We love it all. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by hamchicken&peas, connor, Noit, cindiloohoovindaloo, mrtinybrain, Laughing Boy, Mr E. Bob, vagina, me, Dr Frank, sjwinch, chrisg, g1n_munk3y, 04039080, jab_bradfield, jspearmint, arksworld, Rev. A-MOL, teach83, iamtom, frunt, raven1482, rootrock, richdotcox, stevie_morgan, stevethedalek, thayer18, amandakate anywherebutme and not very much gravitas at all Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob. Proofing by the pretty b4ta plinths. 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