we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 174: "CILLIT BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * ADVERT REMIX - Cillit BANG! * INTERVIEW - Sir Patrick Moore * FASHION - Meat bags ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > The Incredible Machine << "Kerb have built a cut-down flash version of this ancient classic PC game." http://www.cclonline.com/pc/hardware/software/thec... >> Greenpeace job << "Greenpeace are looking for a new Web Editor for their site. Could this be you?" http://snurl.com/dhyn >> FreakingNews << "FreakingNews is the top news photoshop contest site on the web. We make fun of whatever is hot in the news. Sign-up for free and join over 7,000 members in photoshop contests or simply view thousands of funny images. Updated daily. Featured in CNN, Salon, and LAtimes." http://FreakingNews.com >> Buy space in B3ta << Want to advertise in the newsletter? Talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1 Cillit Bang, Kitten song & Sir Patrick Moore >> Hardcore dance cleaner << Uber-annoying household scourer Cillit Bang takes on vaguely fascistic overtones thanks to Jakazid. The crafty genius behind the Calm Down Dear remix, featured several issues ago, embarks on a dark, hardcore odyssey of everyday cleansing power, remixing another cult TV ad. UK readers need to watch this NOW. http://www.luckykazoo.com/media/2005/03/cillit-ban... >> Kitten song << "I have a submission," sniggers jj_rudd, "for the newsletter. It's my first attempt so be gentle!" Woo. By golly, we flipping love this, but don't want to spoil it by spelling out the joke in the write-up. http://glasscocx.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/m/kitten/ >> Patrick Moore interview << We've been obsessed with Patrick Moore ever since we saw him on Wogan in the 80's playing the xylophone like a posh octopus. Our fascination went on to spawn the Weebl collaboration "Patrick Moore Plays The Xylophone" and now to Kirk Rutters' interview with the great man himself. Apparently Moore has got a new book out. Woo. We wonder if they'll put a sticker on it saying "as recommended by B3ta?" That would be lovely. http://www.b3ta.com/interview/patrickmoore/ ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Beautiful Moments Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes and lies into one handy place on the interweb. Last week we asked for the defining moments of your lives. Some of these are just wonderful: http://b3ta.com/questions/beautifulmoments/ * "My mother died when I was 16. Not a clean death either - cancer and operations; a steadily-increasing morphine dose was keeping the pain away and my father and I understood she didn't have long to go. I saw her stop breathing at about twenty to four in the morning, and, the whole sorry conclusion of getting funeral directors to remove her and deal with the paperwork over, I walked out of the house at about 7am. There was the most majestic sunrise I have ever seen that morning, utterly massive peaks of pinks and oranges. The memory of that sunrise has been with me over half my life." (Yarblesnake) * "I do medieval battle re-enactment with chainmail, swords etc... Tewksbury battlefield 1997, the Friday night before the main battle, there were whispers going around the beer tent that there was going to be a duel for honour after midnight. It turns out that one friend had 'dishonoured' another by shagging his Mrs. After a bottle of Moniack mead and many happy cigarettes, I staggered onto the field to see two very large re-enactors leathering each other with swords in the mist and moonlight. It was extremely surreal, out of time - and quite beautiful. Especially when they both bloodily agreed that the woman in question was a slag and that they both needed a beer..." (Catchag) * "The sun was just rising, as I reached the summit of a large sand dune on the edge of the Great Thar dessert. The horizon was alive with an awesome show of pinks, yellows and orange. It took my breath away. Such a great view couldn't be missed and I spent a pleasant few minutes having the most satisfying turd in my life. It rolled away down the dune - which made watching the view all the better. Later on, as we were preparing to leave, I noticed some Americans had stood in it. It's still the best shit I've ever had." (stupotty) >> This Week's Question << We'd like your obscurest facts. Things that are totally useless, but true. Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/uselessinformation/ ------------------------------------------------- : FASHION Meat bags "Rape is a normal reproductive strategy in mallards." Not our most successful chat-up line. That would be "nice shoes. Fancy a fuck?" Anyway boys, brush up your lady handling skills by learning about fashion. That's the secret. Not too much - women will think you're gay - but a passing interest is good, especially backed up by compliments. Try approaching girls mumbling, "Is your bag human skin? I read about it on the internet. You're lovely." You'll be knee-deep in lady love wicked soon. THANKS B3ta! No problem. http://snipurl.com/didm ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Now with added fact-spack >> Bonnie Tyler vs. fridge << In 1983 pop-genius Jim Steinman wrote, "Once upon a time I was falling in love, but now I'm only falling apart." Little did he know that in 2005 his greatest lyrical work would be destroyed by weirdoes hitting fridges and cookers. Witness the madness. We were laughing with uncomprehending disbelief. http://plaza.ufl.edu/njh/vids/hurratorpedo.wmv :: FACT-SPACK: As well as writing for Meatloaf and Andrew Lloyd Webber, Steinman co-wrote the Sisters of Mercy hit More, which subsequently turned up in the musical 'MTV's Wuthering Heights'. It was shit. >> Jaunty banana man plays with fire << It's another newsletter, and another opportunity to see an unfortunate webizen on fire. What makes this different is the amusing montage editing that takes us from fire, to cooling off in the shower and finally to hospital in under a minute. That's entertainment folks. http://www.erixzone.com/vuilehufters/index.php :: FACT-SPACK: Fire is affected by gravity, In zero-G a candle flame isn't yellow and tapered but blue and nearly spherical. It's a bit shit really. >> Convergence gone mad << Our phones play MP3s, our monitors have speakers, Christ, our cameras even play Doom. When will the madness end? Clearly not with this "internet enabled microwave." It should have a webcam and a website which you can log on to, and see what everyone else with an internet microwave is warming up at the same time. That would be ace. However it doesn't, it's just a crap gimmick. http://snipurl.com/diax :: FACT-SPACK: Fun things to put in microwaves include split grapes - pretty blue sparks - and eggs, they explode in a shelly scrambled mess. >> Wheelchair dancing << Being condemned to a life in a wheelchair doesn't sound too bad to us. You're eye-level to ogle tits all day, and with the small addition of a blanket you can masturbate in public too. What's more, the world of ballroom dancing isn't closed to you and your partner. The maudlin music is what really had us here. We're welling up. http://www.adaptivedancing.com/AD_Video_Clip1.html :: FACT-SPACK: Most people in wheelchairs can actually walk. They're just lazy. Piss. This is meant to be true stuff. Ok. Stephen Hawking likes running over people's feet. And then sniggering in his robot voice. "Ha. Ha. Ha." he mechanically monotones, "Hardy. Ha." >> Cornish Darkie Day fun << In America most of the racists are concentrated in the south. In the UK it's no different. Our Texas is called Cornwall (where they drill for lashings of lovely thick cream in cow mines). Once a year the pasty-munching twits cover their faces in boot polish and shout racist songs. TIP: Any younger readers stuck in this part of the country should probably move. http://www.truebrits.tv/darkie_day.html :: FACT-SPACK: Clotted cream is 55% fat, as compared to butter at 80%. The word butterfly goes back to the medieval superstition that witches transform into butterflies, in order to steal the farmers' cream or butter. What a bunch of bastards. >> Nice Amazon type toy << Since Amazon opened up their geek-friendly API, allowing tentacle-rape-addicted nerds to build their own sites based on Amazon data, we've been flooded with oddities. From our own "What's That Song" to "I'm Feeling Spendy" we've been regaled with ingenuity. The latest is this plaything that allows you to make big words from book covers. It's cute. Try it. http://amaztype.tha.jp/US/Books/Title :: FACT-SPACK: Amazon once fucked up their database and revealed that 30% of 'reader written' book reviews were actually put there by the publishers and authors. The best stuff was the dissing of rival writers. Naughty naughty. >> Anal sex for Christians << We all know that God frowns on sex before marriage. It makes you blind, and your man-seed have two tails. Thank God (literally) that the bible has nothing but good to say about heterosexual anal sex. BTW: This site is most likely a wind-up, but the thought of all those catholic girls doing anal gave us strange and exciting thoughts. http://www.sexinchrist.com/ :: FACT-SPACK: Girls! Don't do anal on the first date. Your new boyfriend will tell all his mates and you'll never live it down. Save it for a special occasion, say the first time you sleep over at his parents' house. >> Ricky Gervaise is such a hottie << Some say The Office's Ricky Gervaise's finest moment was on some clip show where he suggested the Shake'N'Vac lady used her carpet-cleaning powder to cover up staining from suburban gang-bangs, but we prefer him looking pretty and gender-bendingly sexy in his New Romantic incarnation Seona Dancing. See if you can crack one out. It's a challenge. http://www.injenn.net/~tania/seona-dancing/picture... :: FACT-SPACK: We once torrented the pilot episode of the American re-make of The Office. Guess what? Completely shit. Don't bother. ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2 Skinning-up, Finger Twister, Spooky MP3s >> Skinning-up on a turntable << We gave up smoking dope at B3ta Towers when we went back to some old hippy's house for a smoke and he tried to bugger us. And get us to fix his PC. The cheeky cunt. Iconscious are clearly not worried about marijuana sodomy and rape, "With BBC pottery in mind we've made a brief interlude." Hmm. Overlong, old, but has charm. Oddly enough the same words that the botty-rape hippy used to describe his penis. http://www.iconscious.co.uk/film/interlude/ >> Finger Twister << "I was bored", fakker dully intones, "So I decided to make Finger Twister." Not the first time we've featured this idea; that honour goes to Jboom, but it's very nicely executed. http://www.mattfacer.com/twister/ >> MP3s from beyond the grave << "Don't often submit stuff," lies the jesterly named Timothy Claypole, "cos when I do you take the piss out of my name." Who us? We only pointed out that the actor who played Timothy Claypole in Rent-A-Ghost died from AIDS. "I've been conducting experiments in EVP", continues Timmy 'died of AIDS' Claypole, "You know, recording the dead via hissing tape cassette." Hmm. Odd stuff this. Readers are recommended to read from the bottom of the page and also with a pinch of salt. THE SALT OF THE DEAD! *makes spooky noises* *tries to mention AIDS again* *err* http://spookyvoices.blogspot.com ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Baby polar bears and baby Hitler Mother and cub polar bears. We thought we'd hit cute-fatigue with the bears, but the sweet look on the baby's face made our hearts melt like the world's precious, irreplaceable ice-caps. http://snipurl.com/didh Little rascal. kraze writes,Halloween "I recently happened across this picture of me as a baby during Halloween. I figure with your penchant for nazis as well as cute things, you guys'd like it." If only he was standing in front of the oven instead of the dishwasher... http://snipurl.com/didi BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on the web recently? Tell us. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : GEEK OF THE WEEK Mighty ice towers In the true spirit of doing odd stuff just because they can, this bunch of Alaskans are making colossal ice formations by pumping water through an extravagant array of brass pipes and nozzles then slowly letting it freeze in the cold air of their icy northern realm. The sheer size of these frozen trees is impressive - they're getting on for the size of office blocks. But it's the elaborate plumbing technology that's really worth a look. http://alaskanalpineclub.org/IceWall/04-05IceWall1... ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Bad Public Art Challenge Each week we run a competition to test your creative skills. We set a challenge and you open Photoshop and mess with our heads. Last week we wanted you to make us some awful Public Art. http://b3ta.com/challenge/badpublicart/ We asked b3ta boarder 100% Kitten to judge the entries - here are her 3 faves. Kitten writes - #1 "Give it a ping - Not only very nicely animated, but also tasteless, inappropriate and funny. And not a badly-drawn spunking cock in sight. Unless the guy with his hand in his pocket is knocking one out. (Zak McFlimby) http://www.b3ta.com/board/4363010 #2 "Harold! - The fact that this hasn't already been erected in Shepherd's Bush is an indication of this country's terminal decline. The thin white layer round his hat is ethereal. This made me laugh out loud - just a little blurring and it would have won! (Barbara's Bush) http://www.b3ta.com/board/4363067 #3 "Abe's bored - I had never noticed before that the expression on Lincoln's face is vacant rather than statesman-like. I think he may be switching between "Robot Wars" and "Songs Of Praise". Well spotted and beautifully executed. Just like Lincoln himself." (Frumbert) http://www.b3ta.com/board/4373810 >> This Week's Challenge << This week, the Challenge Dictator stepped in once again and demanded that we photoshop newspaper owner David Sullivan. http://b3ta.com/challenge/davidsullivan/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * INAPPROPRIATE CHARITY EVENTS - "There WAS a sponsored swim for the tsunami appeal", informs stephenjwz, "and I have scanned a clipping." http://glasscocx.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/m/notgoatse.... * NAMING PRODUCTS AFTER REAL STUFF - last week we asked for better names for tech projects. Reader Ben writes, "Funny you should mention up-skirt shots, but Sony Ericsson have just announced what amounts to an up-skirt cam, which they appear to have named after our ginger fuhrer." Gosh. This product looks great. A remote control bluetooth video camera. The video had us grinning like loons. http://www.sonyericsson.com/rob1 * NAMING PRODUCTS AFTER REAL STUFF 2 - dljfox writes, "But the numbers in Nokia's models aren't meaningless. The first number responds to which series it belongs to, eg. 7 is fashion, 6 is business, 5 is rugged/outdoors etc." Gah. Call us phone nerds, but we found this interesting in a "what does your phone say about you" kind of way. * TOP TIP TESTED - "you wrote", accuses rick209, "if you put a piece of bread under your top lip when chopping up onions it will stop your eyes watering. I tested this and it did not work. BUT...chewing gum while cutting up onions DOES." Hopefully this will be helpful to our onion-chopping readers. * GRANDAD APPRECIATION - "Thank you so much" brays johnwaddell, "for mentioning my father's web address, walksydneystreets.net. It resulted in 5,000 visitors in 24 hours and emails from so many countries, quite a thrill for a 90-year-old." No problem. The butt plugs are in the post. ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Chain reaction cascade game Clicking on a little tile rotates it 90 degrees. If the edges match up with their neighbours it starts that tile moving too. The aim is to get as long a lasting chain reaction of movement as possible. We reckon you'd have to be some sort of super-brain nerd genius to be any good at it, but it's fascinating to try. http://www.columbia.edu/~chc18/gridgame.swf ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * SUPERMARKET SPORTS - "I filmed a clip," boasts bluchrome, "during a post-pub munchie mission to Sainsburys." Woo. We reckon Aisle Curling could be the next big thing. Can anyone follow this up? Maybe pork chop hunting. With guns. http://www.bluchrome.co.uk/shopolympics.mov * REALITY WHORE HOUSE - prostitution is legal in certain states in Australia. We'd like a show where punters had to work as prossies. A bit like Salon, where members of the public could pop in for a TV broadcast hand-job. There could be a Saturday night special called Clap Trap, where one of the tarts has Gonorrhoea, but which one? C'mon Channel 5 - this would be better than your current reality output. That tosh about models? No one cares. * REMOTE CONTROL WASPS - have we any nano-technologists reading? We want to sting people we don't like. And giggle. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson with the wikiwoos. Links sent in by mrtinybrain, lordgaz, finbarr, simon elliott, badgas, WrapUpWarm, redbook, Rob T Firefly, dedlymonkey, fred fenster and octamed Top Tippery by thewooinator Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob. Proofing by the snorting b4ta snuffle-hounds. (76739) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Be the first to step on the Tube by standing where the Mind The Gap paint has worn off. All those feet are a clue, you know. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive