we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 172: "DON'T EMAIL TV'S THE BILL. EVER." next issue » « previous issue This Week: * PHOTOS - Handicapped wrestling * AUCTION - Buy drug gear from plod * GAMES - Diarrhea Dan & Hedgehog flips ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Buy this space << Get in touch using the magic of the interweb. And piss off with your dodgy affiliate schemes. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Hedgehogs, Dog sex, Poo, Cam hacks & New Age >> Hedgehog flipping game << Your aim is to catapult the little hedgehog chappy into the goal, avoiding barriers, lava and the marching wall of death. Engrossing game-play from Matazone, here offsetting a spare graphic style. http://www.matazone.co.uk/animpages/the_hedgehog_g... >> Baiting the date-pervs << Birdparty and friend have been answering the 'Casual Encounters' classifieds on craigslist.com (UK readers, think 'Loot'). "I'm starting to wonder if its turning me off men in general," she muses. And with good reason: she's turned over a rock to reveal quite a sad collection of scuttling sexual freaks. http://birdparty.blogspot.com >> Diarrhea Dan << Look Around You, a British TV comedy show, asked B3ta people a few months back to supply some "crap computer game" graphics to be used in their show. It was broadcast last Monday and we were pleased to see four items used, including this little number your esteemed ginger fuhrer bashed up for their website. http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/lookaroundyou/programm... >> Infra-red camera conversion << Hoagie has been messing around with his webcam, to make it take IR photographs. The results are intriguing - you can use a TV remote as a torch, Coke is completely transparent, all your pics look vaguely sinister, etc. He talks you through how to do the same simple trick yourself, just in case you fancy go. http://homepage.ntlworld.com/geoff.johnson2/IR/ >> New Age bargains << It's a massive, one-time-only sale at Nancy's New Age Bargain Warehouse. Kirby Ferguson has made this, frankly manic, commercial vid to promote it. There's dolphins, too. Woo, special. http://www.goodiebag.tv/video/nnabw.htm ------------------------------------------------- : FROM THE B3TA INBOX Your words of wizdom >> Hamsters of death << "A friend once fed his hamsters on nothing but sprouts for three weeks. He came in one morning to find that one had hung itself from the cage ceiling. The other one was eating the dangling remains." (tala_anthony) ------------------------------------------------- : STOP TELLING US * SEARCHING FOR AINSLEY HARRIOT on Google Images produces Hitler, alongside pics of the foolish, moon-faced chef. * SAVETOBY.COM - some bollocks about killing rabbits. Fuck off - we don't care. * OPERA DISCO FAT TEENAGER - Jesus, we'd have linked to it a good month ago if we liked it. ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Crappy Claims to Fame Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes and lies into one handy place on the interweb. Last week we wanted your tenuous claims to fame: http://b3ta.com/questions/claimstofame/ #1 Never complain to soap writers "I love the UK police soap The Bill: but when they introduced a new WPC, Honey Harmon, I was so disgusted with her lack of acting ability that I emailed the producers to ask who she had shagged to get the role. No response. Then about a couple of months later there was a panning shot across the office taking in the white boards in the background: There was my name in big black letters with a ring around it in for a child sexual assault case! The bastards!" (Catchag) #2 One Man Army "During World War II my Grandad accidentally took a wrong turn in his Jeep and ended up liberating Holland. True story. The Nazis had occupied a small town to use as their base of operations. One day Grandad shows up when the Nazis are away and everyone runs into the streets cheering. Thinking that the whole army has arrived. Ze Germans hear about British troops occupying the town, so they never came back." (Digeridude) #3 Look at me! I'm the Pope! "Was living by myself in Denver a couple of blocks from the Catholic church at which the Pope was staying for his visit. To commemorate the event, a local paper provided instructions on how make its pages into a Pope hat, which I did, while eating lunch across the street from the church. After lunch, wearing my Pope hat, I yelled at the top of my lungs, to no one in particular, "Look at me! I'm the Pope!" just as the motorcade was passing. The crowd of youthful Catholics quieted to cricket level and everyone was looking at me as the white limo drove by: Through the darkly-tinted windows I could see John looking right at me with a somewhat dismayed, disappointed expression." (3vilToast) >> This Week's Question << We'd like to hear the sordid mess you got into losing your virginity. Confess to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/virginity/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates. >> Handicap wrestling << Just exactly what the headline says: Disabled folks beating on anyone who'll get into the ring with them. We like the equal opportunities exploitation sentiment, although the fighters could really do with being a bit more mobile if they want to make it in the big leagues. Oh, and it's from Japan. Surprised? http://masamania.com/archives/2005/01/handicapped_... >> Security glass ad << To illustrate how strong their new glass is, this ad agency came up with a revised version of the old sticking-a-coin-to-the-pavement trick using fuckloads of money. Money that they'd have otherwise spent on coke and back slapping, no doubt. It's all clever advertising for sure, but we'd have given up, breathed on the glass and drawn a cock in the condensation. That'd teach 'em for playing on our greed. http://www.37signals.com/svn/archives/001064.php >> Police pot auction << Harrogate police seem to be in the business of confiscating marijuana-growing kit, then flogging it back to the good burghers of Yorkshire so they can have another go. All through this obscure police auction site - like eBay for plods. http://www.bumblebeeauctions.co.uk/XcAPViewItem.as... >> Walking Sydney streets << 90-year-old Alan Waddell was encouraged by his doctor to take up walking. He enjoyed it so much he walked every street in his suburb. Enthused by his success he now aims to traverse every street in Sydney and has managed over 100 suburbs since then. We are mightily impressed. He may be Australia's oldest street walker. http://www.walksydneystreets.net/media.htm >> Where's my change? << Feisty little Afro-American kids are great. Just ask the writers of Diff'rent Strokes. Check out this adorable tyke demanding his correct change at the grocery store till. http://texastechie.com/HTML/fun/whereismychange.ht... >> Big jar of horse testes << Er. When a friend revealed she was getting her horse neutered, Justin Winokur realised he just couldn't let those surplus equine baubles go to waste. For whatever dark reason, he found himself drawn to claim them, wash them, decant them into a jar and muse what it would be like to lick them. He's clearly on a voyage of yukky self-discovery. http://jwinokur.diaryland.com/020222_85.html >> Superhero office politics << Being a hero isn't all saving the world from fiery doom. There's reams of tedious paperwork afterwards. We enjoyed this short animation, based upon DVD hit Office Space, implying that Superman's life sucks arse. http://www.idiotwork.com/pages/tps.html ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Kittens camera, albino squirrel & pet foxes >> Kitten camera << If you're wondering what photograph this kitten is taking, simply increase the contrast on your computer, look in the lens' reflection and you'll see... It's a photo of a dog taking the photo of the kitten, obviously. http://www.deviantart.com/view/3127864/ >> Albino squirrel << Magzah sent us this picture of an albino squirrel which lives on his university campus. It's very cute, and no doubt the uni rugby team have tried to turn it yellow with their hilarious piss pranks at some point. However, when it snows, all you can see is two disembodied red eyes staring right into your soul... http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v209/Magsmorris/... >> Pet foxes << Apparently scientific boffins are breeding foxes as pets. All that science makes them lonely you see. http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2005/02/02... BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on the web recently? Tell us. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Anti-Anti Social Challenge Each week we run a competition to test your creative skills. We set a challenge and you open Photoshop and mess with our heads. Last week we wanted you to ban as much anti social behaviour as possible. http://b3ta.com/challenge/antisocial/ We asked b3ta boarder Funtastic Pony Magic to judge the entries - here are her 3 faves. Miss Pony writes - #1 "I’m with stupid – The huge cigarette warnings in this country have always been a bit of a wonder to me, as smokers are going to smoke no matter how big or scary the warning labels are. This is by far the best mock of cigarette labels I’ve seen, and the shifty spongalicious eyes just make it better. Silly Benson & Hedges, stop trying so hard! Marlboro’s got the right idea. (gazzton) http://b3ta.com/board/4317584 #2 "No Raping – I can just see the sad look on all the sex offenders' faces seeing these signs around car parks. 'Not even 30 seconds? Shucks.' This cracked me up, and I am a sick person for it. (renegatus) http://b3ta.com/board/4312473 #3 "No Surrealism – This is exactly my kind of silly. It’s random, cute, has funny posh names, and an octopus with a monocle. What could be better? (Chrico) http://b3ta.com/board/4312904 "Honourable mention to Cocodaye Miasere for using the phrase 'Pic-a-nic basket'. This post sparked in me a long-forgotten nostalgia for the good old days of light-hearted laughter with Yogi and Boo Boo and their pic-a-nic basket thievery." http://b3ta.com/board/4320124 >> This Week's Challenge << This week, b3ta contributor Zaphod's Wombat gave us the suggestion, "What not to give your mum on Mother's Day" http://b3ta.com/challenge/mothersday/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * THE COMPULSIVE COLLECTOR we featured last week has been in touch. He writes, "I am less than happy with your comments - I am not a butterfly killer, nor am I obsessed. I have several hobbies and I have a life. It's a shame you couldn't be more constructive about a site that has had a lot of effort put into it and provides a valuable reference via my book galleries to other collectors worldwide. Regards. Tony" Suitably chastened, we return to alphabetising our extensive Kinder Egg toy collections. * JOEL! LIVE! - Joel's band, 7 Seconds of Love are going great guns. Come and see them live. We'll be going to the one in Tufnel Park, as it's only up the road. See you there. http://www.7secondsoflove.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * INVENT A NEW DANCE - the Kollaboration bendy dance man of yesteryear webby fame, has got a job dancing for the Gene Kelly VW advert. Maybe you can pop your shoulder out of its socket and use it to sell Coca-Cola? Or frozen peas. * KIDDY PORN VIRUS - get the whole world arrested by creating a virus that uploads child erotica to people's contact lists and CC's the police. We can bring the Earth to its knees. Yay. * 60 EGGS IN 60 SECONDS - are you man enough to accept our eggy challenge? Can you eat enough eggs to kill a goat in under a minute? The Guinness Book of Records used to run stuff like this in the 70s, but stopped due to worries about public safety. We have no such concerns. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Links sent in by toothless tiger, Magzah, Dunk, Fred Fenster, urban-profanity, Hiddenpower, rundosrun and ElSeed Top Tippery by TooMuch2AM Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry. Board research by Fnord. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob. Proofing by the law of b4ta power. (76902) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: When reheating last night's pizza in the microwave, don't put it on a plate. Cut out a piece of the box slightly larger than your pizza and microwave it on that. This stops the base getting soggy, and saves on washing up. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive