we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 170 - "LEUKAEMIA THE MUSICAL" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * KETTLE - Burning foot man * CHICKS - New thing from Rob & Joel * TORRENTS - British comedy special ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Buy space in B3ta << This week, newsletter co-writer Dave Stevenson will be your auctioneer. Going once. Going twice. Not gone yet. http://snipurl.com/cv1v ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Kettle foot, John Leslie, Old joke & Tescos >> Low pain-threshold Jackass << We have to applaud armatage_shanks and the Wiplashvideo crew. They shun the theatrical mummery of many a video stunt and get straight in there with the pain. Here we've got a guy getting boiling water poured onto his feet from a kettle. The humour is in his entirely justified reaction: It hurts, he yelps, jumps around and gets a bit pissed off with his mates for laughing at his dismay. http://www.wiplashvideos.com/kettle.wmv >> Black chicks, white knickers << Rob and Joel have been working with YOB again to bring you a charming little ditty based on John Leslie and his love of black girls in white knickers, and indeed white ladies dressed in black. Vaguely NSFW, that's if you find Maxim style ladies a problem in your office. http://www.youthofbritain.com/chicks/uk.html >> Old joke << "I believe that I have created THE ultimate website", froths aclements, "even if it is absolute bollocks." Yup, it's bollocks, and it's an age-old joke, but this Internet Tennis game still made us smirk at the childishness of it all. http://kclements.members.beeb.net/internet_tennis.... >> Cheap shop challenge << "I made a 'Tesco Value' guess the price game," chirps naxtek, "As it's the game I play every time I visit the supermarket." It's great - we were genuinely surprised at how much cheaper everything was than our guesses. And also vaguely alarmed at what sort of povo shit naxtek was buying. http://www.playwithyourself.co.uk/game/flash/game_... ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Look at me in the local paper Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes and lies into one handy place on the interweb. Last week we asked for your appearances in the local papers: http://b3ta.com/questions/localpapers/ * Butlins Summer Brochure Exposure "When I was little, we went to Butlins every year. When I was seven I turned up in the Butlins new summer holiday brochure. I can't remember the photo being taken... but then I also can't remember sitting at the side of the indoor pool with my shorts twisted and my tiny pink pods on display for all the world to see... The shame." (pb4ugo2bed) * Fruity Mayor "I happened to be in our local paper dressed as Sporty Spice with the Mayor standing next to me. What most readers wouldn't guess is that my plastered on smile hides the fact that the Mayor is squeezing my bum. My mum has this picture framed on the mantelpiece - I cannot bring myself to tell her." (droopy) * Royal Stamp "When I was very young, Prince Charles came to visit my nursery. I was making a truly spectacular Skittle Brick sculpture until it was cruelly destroyed by the foot of the King to be. I was so upset, that I stamped on his foot and cried. All caught under the watchful eye of local TV cameras. It was a bloody good sculpture... and I'd do it again to his foot if I saw him." (In_there_like_swimwear) >> This Week's Question << We'd like you to tell us the little things that turn you on. Talk to us all huskily here: http://b3ta.com/questions/turnons/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates. >> Household horse << It starts off as a fairly amusing human interest story about a horse who likes to drive around town with his cowboy owners. But stick with the video to see just how disturbingly close their relationship really is. http://video.craveonline.com/video/player.php >> USB hypnodisk << We can't help ourselves: We're helplessly salivating at this quite extraordinary desktop executive toy. It's a big, brass antique-style hypnosis machine that plugs into the USB slot of your PC. Not something that could be turned for evil purposes. Oh no. Not at all. http://www.eccentricgenius.ca/Products7.htm >> Filthy pasta girl << Some sort of demure Japanese girl falls victim to a bizarre catering accident and appears to enjoy it rather too much. Kind of not safe for work, definitely not safe for dinner-time. Especially if you're having spaghetti. http://manon.sfcgi.com/cot03.htm >>Cat slap baby-head << Exactly what you think it is - video of a cat pummelling a baby's head. We actually think the sound might be dubbed on. Any volunteers to collect what this would really sound like, please? http://www.wimp.com/catslap/ >> Cute puppet DJ << Perhaps, in another, better world Finger Mouse would have been Dutch. And this is what he'd have been like: a funky, naked, record-scratching hand-puppet DJ. http://www.xs4all.nl/~lrvk/lejo/dj.html >> Steve, Don't Eat It! << Enjoy the adventures of blogger Steven as he takes his taste buds places so you don't have to. He ranges from weird, processed meats through dog food to breastmilk. But the item that really, really turned our stomachs was the Dolores Brand Pickled Pork Rinds. Gah. http://www.thesneeze.com/mt-archives/cat_steve_don... >> Creepy, creepy baby dolls << Want to steal an ugly baby? Why not buy one of these scary-looking replicas, sneak into hospital and swap it over with a real one in the maternity ward. If you do it swiftly enough, no-one will ever notice. Just like Indiana Jones does with the diamond and his packed lunch at the beginning of Raiders of the Lost Ark. http://www.finchfieldsbabies.co.uk/ >> Leukaemia - the musical << "This guy is an ex-work colleague and friend of mine", exclaims 8-Ball, "He has Leukaemia. Here he is receiving chemotherapy. He's fekkin' ace!" This made us actually shed a tear. We're such a saps. Watch it. It's utterly charming http://www.miltcentral.com/vid_intherain.html ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH The bit you can forward to Gran >> Vegetarian rabbit << James Staples is a regular at Chopsticks in Sturrey, Kent. That's where he came across this cute root vegetable bunny. You can't take him anywhere. http://snipurl.com/cvhg >> PC pussycats << B3ta reader pluke sends us this picture of cats playing with PC components. Perhaps they were chasing the mouse (b-doom-tish). It's ultimate geek-fluff heaven. http://snipurl.com/cvj7 BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on the web recently? Tell us. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : BIT TORRENT TV Stuff we've watched this week Haven't run a torrent section for a while, as to be honest we settled into a rut of grabbing the same stuff each week: Lost, Battlestar Galactica and South Park. As The Guardian today printed a story stating that the UK has the highest global use of telly torrents, we thought we'd take the opportunity to recommend some good current British comedy to our readers in the colonies. >> Look Around You << Series Two expands to a 30 minute show, riffing off the format of Tomorrows World, a much loved magazine programme which explored new technology. We particularly recommend episode two, with the Medibot robot who can conduct surgery. Oh and watch out for the coming computers episode which has some visuals supplied by b3ta people. >> Nathan Barley << Starting on a satiric TV listings website called TVGoHome, the Nathan Barley character became shorthand for everything phony in the London new-media world. On telly the idea is expanded to mock tradition media too, although saving a few swipes at a world not a million miles from us. Nerdy forums have been debating whether series co-creator Chris Morris has gone off-the-boil with this, but to our eyes, the parodies are absolutely spot on. Christ, the other day, we had to pop into a design agency in Soho and the staff were sitting on exercise balls. Nathan lives! >> Shameless << Welcome to Frank Gallagher's world, a life of poverty, teenage pregnancy and petty crime, like an alcoholic Sergeant Bilko, he careers from disaster to disaster, but somehow - despite himself - always winning in the end. Great dialogue too, on dumping his teenage girlfriend (and daughter of his new wife), "He's a fiver. Treat yourself to an E." The best thing on UK TV at the moment - baring nothing. All this and more can be found via uknova.com and probably still popular filesharing networks like e-mule. ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the 'Mocking the Elderly' Challenge Each week we run a competition to test your creative skills. We set a challenge and you open Photoshop and mess with our heads. Last week we wanted you to make fun of old people. http://b3ta.com/challenge/mocktheelderly We asked b3ta boarder 'Little Ralphy' to judge the entries - here are his 3 faves. Ralphy writes - #1 "Don't fear the reaper - We all know that old people could drop dead at any moment and chobb's illustrates this in a wonderfully subtle way. (chobb) http://b3ta.com/board/4255867 #2 "Needle exchange programme - I think it's a travesty that more taxpayers money isn't spent on emphasising the benefits of safe knitting. (Zak McFlimby) http://b3ta.com/board/4255130 #3 "Who am I - classic game for children reworked for the piss riddled, weak minded fools we will all one day become." (The Great Architect) http://b3ta.com/board/4256655 >> This Week's Challenge << This week, b3ta contributor Zak McFlimby gave us the suggestion, "New Sports for Toffs" http://b3ta.com/challenge/toffsport/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * GUESS THE URL QUIZ - lots of email on this apparently the answer to question three is tykca.htm, and one reader Karma Carrot got to level 11 with hvk.htm * BLUE POO UPDATE - for weeks we've been begging our readers to spend a week eating blue chew-its and photograph their own shit. We've had several emails suggesting that "methylene blue" will make your pee blue, and bakes well into chocolate cakes. Also Scaryduck wants to share his story about his mate drinking blue ink, making a 3D turd logo for his school which is still hanging there to this day. http://snipurl.com/cvtz * MOCKING ROYALS - last week we asked you to make stuff taking the piss out of "horsey old Camilla getting married." Chicago Dave has done us proud, if this doesn't end up everywhere then we'll marry her ourself. http://www.b3ta.com/board/4281335 ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Count the petals Drive yourself mad trying to solve this pedantic maths puzzle. If you get it quickly then you're a peado. Ha ha. http://crux.baker.edu/cdavis09/roses.html ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * UNDERWATER GNOME PHOTOGRAPHY - great story here. Divers have been making an underwater gnome garden. However, it's a bit of a death trap diving deep enough to film it. A pound to the first b3ta reader that gets us an exclusive photograph. A whole pound. Two pounds if you arrange the gnomes into the shape of a cock. http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/cumbria/4263761... * POUND MY ARSE - The game sweeping Earls Court pubs is "how far can you walk with a pound in your arse?" Do we have any pretty lady readers who want to film themselves doing this? * OVER THE COUNTER DRUG REVIEWS - the top ten high street legal highs include Solpadeine, Syndol, Feminax, Co-codamol, Nurofen Plus, DO-DO ChestEze tablets, Sudafedm, Nytol Tablets, Codeine Linctus/Galcodine linctus, and J. Collis Browne's Mixture. Can you take them all and write a users guide? Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson and the withered claw of little Benny Wheatus. Links sent in by a gang of cunts including adrienne, Steerable_forehead, Ben Wheatley's spastic daughter Myra, Terry Nutkins, bootontheleft, pfabric, odie, smudget33, kcsculder, mouseboy_, hotlcp, and my mother's rapist. Top Tippery by some hotlcp. Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry. Board research by Fnord. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob. Proofing by before tar. (76960) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Contrary to what your mum may have taught you, never use a lid when cooking green veg in a saucepan as it causes the acid that they release to be drawn back into them and thus making them grey and wilted. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive