we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 169: "JEWISH DOGS" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * VIOLENCE - Garden pummel-trickery * SEX - Super Mario, lover-man * ARSERY - foolish bum-based ciggy stunt ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Buy space in B3ta << Woo. We're all wooing at B3ta Towers at our little experiment at selling advertising. So much so, that we're doing it again, and this time B3ta designer Denise Wilton will be your auctioneer. Cheap as chips. http://snipurl.com/cpd0 ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK NWA-folk, bum burns and spade-smack >> Niggaz With Folkitude << We're deep in debt to B3ta reader Reasonablyfamous. He's painstakingly lip-synced the folk version of Straight Outta Compton, featured in a recent newsletter, to the original NWA video. The result is strangely moving and makes us all nostalgic for the days of the LA riots. http://www.iconscious.co.uk/theroadie/ >> Shitty crack fag boy << This cunt thought it was funny to burn his bumhole with a fag, but the stars of the show are his obscenely fecund ass mounds. His mum should be fucking ashamed. Thanks johnnysausage. NSFW. http://snipurl.com/bumburn >> Back garden drubbing fun << What a cunt. What a fat cunt. Watch the witless Wheatley smashed into submission with a spade. lol. http://www.mrandmrswheatley.co.uk/gardentricks.htm... ------------------------------------------------- : I HATE MYSELF AND I WANT TO DIE It's funny names corner >> Chew Shit Fun << Amused to see that patron saint of funny names and biology professor Chew Shit Fun has her own unofficial mirror site. Yay. She's got absolutely no control over it and it'll be passed about so people can enjoy her name for all eternity. http://www.chewshitfun.com/csf.html Other notables this week include 1930s Hollywood director Ima Cunt, and current editor of the Beano, Euan Kerr. ------------------------------------------------- : NSFW SHIRTS In the B3ta shop NSFW, meaning not safe for work, is a very commonly-used phrase on our messageboard and newsletter. And you can now wear it, proudly emblazoned on your lady breasts. Rah. Buy them. BUY THEM ALL. http://www.b3ta.com/shop/ ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Scars with history Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes and lies into one handy place on the interweb. Last week we asked you to tell us the stories behind your scars. There's quite a few nasty photos: Don't say we didn't warn you. http://b3ta.com/questions/scars/ Our favourite people are: * Motty, who didn't think scratching "I'm a cunt" into his arm with a drawing pin would leave a scar. * Humpty Dumpty, who tried to remove a napkin ring from his erect penis with an angle grinder, pliers and goggles. * PeelMyTangerines, who, whilst sharing a bath with a schoolmate, impaled her arse on a rusty bath tap. >> This Week's Question << We'd like to hear about your appearances in local newspapers. Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/localpapers/ ------------------------------------------------- : HEADLINE WATCH Celebrating sub-editor genius the world over * RARE ROBIN EATEN... BY BIRDWATCHER'S CAT, Manchester Evening News. * MAN USES UNDERPANTS TO HIDE ECSTASY, Wiltshire Times. ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates. >> Mario sex scoop << Nintendo are the finest games designers the world has ever produced. Their Mario character is an icon, possibly more photographed than Princess Diana. It was inevitable that his sordid playboy lifestyle would leak to the baying dogs of the tabloid press. Sadly, we must expose him as an impotent fool, trapped in the love games of Princess Peaches. He wears the horns of the cuckold. That stupid Italian retard. Curse him. http://snipurl.com/b2s8 >> Scared of Santa << We finally got round to reading a pile of email sent to us over Christmas. After discarding the tossy viral games made by awful advertising cunts, we still enjoyed this out-of-season collection of kids sitting on Santa's knee and wailing with fear. http://snipurl.com/cpeo >> Estonian adverts << When doing our General Studies A-Level, there was a multiple choice question, "What is Estonia?" including the answer "a Spanish guitar player." Little did we know that the answer was "sexy mince". Mmm. Sexy mince. Enjoy this bit of mince. http://www.hot.ee/lehva3/kanahakkliha.mpg >> Witless stunt karma << Imagine you are in a car and as a jape you want to slap the head of your bike-riding chum. You stick your retarded head out of the window. What could possibly happen next? Watch this clip from the Americas to find out. Ouch. http://snipurl.com/ceuk >> Secrets of the Rorschach blot << Next time your wife leaves you and demands that you have psychiatric evaluation before taking the kids for a Happy Meal, be prepared; freak out the head-shrinker by learning the meanings of the inkblots. This information is not allowed into the public domain. Interesting stuff if you want to get away with multiple murder and public cock waggling. http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/rorschach.htm >> Festive burger song << This carries on the Christmas theme, starting off with "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen", then it goes into a Burger King ditty. We can't decide if the chorus is nine-ninety-nine or die-die-di-die. http://bkremix.gotdns.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Two dog special >> Jewish dogs << The perfect picture to forward to your Jewish mates. We hope Hamas don't get near them though. http://www.petstar.net/catalog0402/YORH02_jpg.html >> Exasperated dog-thing << Palleon thinks this is the cutest thing ever, although he has no idea what it is. Some sort of fur-dog thing is his best guess. He's probably right. http://snipurl.com/cpef BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on the web recently? Tell us. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Goggles of Truth Challenge Each week we run a competition to test your creative skills. We set a challenge and you open Photoshop and mess with our heads. Last week we wanted you to show us the world through goggles of truth. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/goggles/ We asked B3ta boarder Gr££dy to judge the entries - here are his 3 faves. Gr££dy writes - #1 "Copperfield You Swine - This is exactly the kind of thing Copperfield would do. The cunt. (UTB) http://www.b3ta.com/board/4230121 #2 "Self-help books are bollocks - This is so true. Last week I bought a book about Britain's Wild Tits... (Bagpuss) http://www.b3ta.com/board/4232323 #3 "I'm free! - 'Shut down ALL the trash compactors on Level 14' 'But Sir, Mrs Slocombe's pussy is all wet' etc. Sci fi history. (noodle monkey) http://www.b3ta.com/board/4229231 And, seeing as it's customary for a special mention, this week it goes to mushybees for his Daily Mail Glasses of Truth http://www.b3ta.com/board/4237450 >> This Week's Challenge << This week, The Challenge Dictator wants us all to 'Mock the Elderly' http://b3ta.com/challenge/mocktheelderly/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * GAY FILMS - after last weeks IMDB racist film list, a few of you had a play and sent in some homophobic film titles to match, including: The Bum Bandit (1931); The Gay Dog (1954); The Gay Intruders (1948); The Gay Brothers (1895) and Bum Voyage (1934). Pffffft. * LOREM SPAZSUM - "it looks like Portsmouth University has been using my text generator" grins YMCA Skeletor creator malevole, "to create the nonsense page mentioned in newsletter 163. Hee hee." http://www.malevole.com/mv/misc/text/ * LEMMING SONG - "Don't know if you recall the dim and distant past of newsletter 150," laments alistair, "but you mentioned my animation for Big Stride's début single. It's now in the shops and has my animation on it in an enhanced CD stylee" http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0006SNL1... ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Geeky URL guessing conundrum Puzzle with an incredibly steep learning curve. The first two tests are a piece of piss, then you hit the unreasonable third stage. http://www.etienne.nu/imagepuz/ ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * URBAN BOWLING - using real bowling balls, in public. Wouldn't the hand railings on the London underground be perfect for sending bowling balls down? * SOMETHING ROYAL - what with thick toff Harry proving a tabloid favourite, and horsey old Camilla getting married, the royals are a sitting duck for easy mockery. * BLUE POO - US reader kcsculder writes regarding our assertion that Blue Chewits will make your poos blue. "From childhood experience I know that blue jello has the same effect even after just one cup. I can only imagine after a week or so of it." Anyone fancy bringing his imaginings to life? Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with Ben Wheatley and David Stevenson. Links sent in by palleon, mleikvol, Rob T Firefly, watashi-wa, boo, ruski, crisp_rapper, MsFreud, goatsandstoats, Top Tippery by Purple Martin Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry. Board research by Fnord. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob. Proofing by the sell-out b4ta whores. (76833) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: You know how dried-on sand is really difficult to rub off your feet after a day's paddling at the beach? Simply sprinkle some talc on your sandy extremities, and the sand will brush off easily. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive