we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 168: "YOUR ADVERT. ON OUR NEWSLETTERY TITS." next issue » « previous issue This Week: * EBAY B3TA - Buy 50 words in next week's issue * WEEBL - Magical Trevor II * COCKS - Customise your iPod with a penis ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Magical Trevor II << Cast your mind back to the golden days of 2004, Kilroy was a nationally-respected figure, cigs still costs less than £5 for a packet, and Jonti released Magical Trevor. We sang along, we started fan groups, and generally wanted to hump Jonti's leg. And now? We've got the sequel. So are we talking Wrath of Khan good or Matrix Reloaded bad? Watch and find out. http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/55/ >> Ant blog << Ants are shit. They're only good for one thing: stamping on. Oh, and making little ant prisons out of circles of soap. Or is that just us? Anyway, Thundercat has some sort of space-age ant farm and has been photographing their smug, orange antics. http://www.ants.simonharbour.com/ >> Sinister ducks << Comic book scribe Alan Moore is famed for his luxuriant beard and his Watchmen series. Not so well-known is his 1983 musical recording, featuring members of dodgy goth rockers Bauhaus, The March of the Sinister Ducks. The confusingly-named pippyisatruck and techieRob have set it to some visuals. We suspect this bit of nonsense will be following Alan until the day he dies. http://pip.rubberfeet.org/stuff/ducks.html >> Cat biopic << "My cat is very talented indeed." proclaims snailobsession, "Today, I followed her around with a camera to see what she would do and made a flash movie of the results." Woo. We're utterly charmed. What a nice little bit of work. http://snipurl.com/ck6p >> iPod Cock-O-Meter hack << Penises are great and we can't get enough off them. iPods, on the other hand, are sorely lacking in the knob department. To remedy this situation B3ta boarder Give To Ian got out his magic haxx0r wand and gayed things up a bit. If you're an iPod owner, this comes with instructions on how to make your poncey toy equally well-endowed. http://five.bandwich.org/archives/000044.html ------------------------------------------------- : BUY 50 WORDS IN NEXT WEEK'S NEWSLETTER Selling our newsletter soul on eBay Whilst we were compiling this week's newsletter, someone sent us one of those crappy "buy an advert on my tits" eBay auctions. We thought, "Hold on. We could do that..." So, do you wish to send a message to a loved one on Valentine's Day? Are you a rich advertising agency who wants to promote your brand? Or maybe you'd just like to say, "B3ta are sell-out cunts, I hate them" and force us to print your words? Fifty words. Including a web link. Whoever bids the most cash gets it. http://snipurl.com/cj1i ------------------------------------------------- : DADDY, YOU'RE NOT A DENTIST it's funny names corner * LARS VADJINA - multimedia developer. * FANNY FUKS - dead Belgian in Brussels cemetery. * DREW PEARCE (droopy arse) - one-time TV producer for dotcomedy. ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Songs whose words you changed Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes and lies into one handy place on the interweb. Last week we wanted the rude versions of songs that you used to sing at school. It degenerated somewhat into a "misheard lyrics" festival. http://b3ta.com/questions/songs/ Here's some excerpts: * "And then I saw her face - it was like a retriever's... " From The Monkees' 'I'm a Believer' (coco) * "My gran gets lonely and often bursts into song - she's tone deaf, can't carry a tune in a bucket and can never remember the words to songs. Musicals are her favourite source of inspiration, such as "Oklahoma, O K L M N O P Q" (ellen smellen) * "In The Bath by Lemon Jelly uses the sample, 'What do you do in the bath?' To which my mate immediately answered in a broad Bristolian accent, 'generally I soaps meself up and 'as a wank.' Now, every time I hear the song, a horrible image looms unbidden into my poor head. The bastard." (sittingduck) >> This Week's Question << We'd like you to show us your scars. Tell us their sordid history here: http://b3ta.com/questions/scars/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates. >> Spunky back tattoo << Heh. This bloke has tattooed spunking mer-men on his back. Now that might be all well and good down the leather bar, but what if you wanted to go swimming? Surely mums are going to complain to the staff? http://members.iinet.net.au/~tiki/temp/backpiece4n... >> Pink Floyd - Bike << Huge fans of Syd Barrett at B3ta Towers. If you're not familiar with his life story, then Google him. His descent from leader of top psyche-rockers Pink Floyd to babbling nutter, living with his mum in Cambridge, is a modern parable of fame. If we opened a rock school, these would be the lessons we'd teach. Anyway, we're loving this spazzy visual to one of his finest tracks: Bike. It fits the childish vibe perfectly. http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/bike.php >> Album cover rip-offs << Apparently this collection of album art heavily influenced by others' has been doing the web rounds for over two years. Maybe we're getting slow in our old age, but we spent a happy afternoon checking them all out. Just a shame the pictures are quite so small. http://www.knockoffproject.com/ >> Woollen catsuit man << "I was looking for a catsuit today", purrs Caroline, "lamenting the high costs involved in purchasing said item. 'Why not make my own?' I thought and was intrigued by the possibility of this knitted offering." Blimey Caroline, if you look as hot as this lovely chappy, send us your photo now. http://www.woolknits.com/ModelPages/Catsuit.htm >> MSPaint geeky DNS cartoon << Right. Fucked if we're going to explain DNS to you lot. If you don't know, you're not going to enjoy this even with two lines of finely-wrought copy. But you'll be missing out. This is comedy, my friends, this is fucking comedy. http://brain.cx/DNS-HOWTO/index.html >> Read other people's secrets << "I believe that my dead grandmother watches me with great disappointment every time I masturbate." Enough about us. Read other people's deepest, darkest secrets, that they're only prepared to confess online. Fascinating, compelling stuff. http://postsecret.blogspot.com/ >> Badly-drawn porn << We like our laughs cheap, and we like them mucky. This idiot-savant collection of badly drawn sexual thoughts had us making snot bubbles. Our favourites include the jail rape and dolphins. Come to think of it, no change there. http://hysteria.sk/sd/drawings/ >> Pathetic motorways << Like all the best people, we can't drive, and hence have spent less time on motorways than we have dribbling on strangers on public transport. Didn't stop us enjoying this collection of "pathetic motorways", an anal list, compiled by enthusiastic drivers, of the most rubbish roads in the UK. Linky goes to the UK's shortest motorway, that appears to be the length of a bridge. Dunno. Kinda made us laugh. Doesn't really have the grandeur you'd expect. http://pathetic.org.uk/motorways/A635M.htm >> DIY Moobs << Back in the day, we shied from the word 'moobs', fearful our readers wouldn't understand, preferring such clunksome phrases as boy-tits, or he-breasts. Since then we've seen the moob sweep the nation like a huge brush of nork blubber. But we digress, this guide to using sellotape to create the impression of masculine tittage made us smirk. http://www.ehacked.com/front_page/articles/how_to_... >> Pretty goth lady swallows razor << "A female magician I know", boasts davidsimon, "has made this video of her twist on the old 'swallowing the razorblades' trick." Blimey. To be honest, we found this a bit disturbing. Trick or not, this girl has issues. http://www.myfilestash.com/userfiles/davidsimon/Su... >> "My first erection" << On the surface, this video clip is just two charming ladies getting their baps out at a car show, or something like that. But what makes it priceless is the actions of the young lad in the background who is clearly getting some strange stirrings he's never experienced before now and is trying desperately to hide it! NSFW. http://snipurl.com/ck5n ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH TV kitten, attack hedgehog and baby ducks * KITTEN - Possibly the cute picture to end all cute pictures. Little kitten sitting up late, watching telly. Aww. He thinks he's people... http://www.b3ta.com/board/4227946 * HEDGEHOG - an easy recipe for cuteness - tiny, harmless creature, viciously on the offensive. Like this glove-hating hedge pig. http://www.triagonal.co.uk/Hedgepig/IMG_3329.JPG * DUCKS - about the house. Just imagine it; the pitter-patter of tiny flippers. Lovely. http://www.elizaduck.com/ducks.htm BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on the web recently? Tell us. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : HEADLINE WATCH Because sub-editors are funny CLINTON ACCUSED OF SHIRT-LIFTING - during the Lewinsky saga, Glasgow local paper covers Pollockshields local's arrest for stealing shirts from Oxfam. TOILET DOORS SET TO CLOSE - ad boards for Tonbridge Focus. HORSE FRIGHTENED TO DEATH BY FIREWORK - Brighton Evening Argus. BUS MISTAKEN FOR CAR - Brighton Evening Argus Anything good in your local papers? Tell us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : HUMAN ZOO S Club 7 Tattoo bloke Jon Norris writes - "A chap on my uni course has all of S-Club 7's signatures tattooed on his chest. "He's a bit odd, and was three people away from going into the Big Brother house last year. http://www.durfctour.co.uk/Cornwallhouse/images/ba... http://www.durfctour.co.uk/Cornwallhouse/images/ba... http://www.durfctour.co.uk/Cornwallhouse/images/ba... http://www.durfctour.co.uk/Cornwallhouse/images/ba... "And for a coursework submission he handed in a completely eye-raping website with some great stalker-grade stuff about Hannah from S Club." http://www.kingsbridgekrays.co.uk/barrytemp/home.h... Blimey. If anyone from Endemol is reading this, then SORT IT OUT. We want this man on BB6 this summer. ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from 'ducks' Challenge Each week we run a competition to test your creative skills. We set a challenge and you open Photoshop and mess with our heads. Last week we wanted you simply to Photoshop ducks. http://b3ta.com/challenge/duckinghell/ We asked B3ta boarder Carlospresents to judge the entries - here are his 3 faves. Carlospresents writes - #1 "Duck 2 Duck' - I think this competition had way too many puns involved, so it was a breath of fresh air to see this Viz style smut rear it's head! Word of warning though, Don't ring any of those numbers 'cos they're not real. (badhorsey) http://www.b3ta.com/board/4208667 #2 "What They Really Mean - It's short, sharp, simple and effective. I live near a Town called Burnley and I can honestly testify that all the ducks in that town shout this at you when you walk past...as well as scrounging 10p for a bus journey.And wearing Burberry tracksuits. And getting pregnant at 13. And fighting in Tesco. But anyways.... (whatsinaname) http://b3ta.com/board/4204203 #3 "Chin Strap - He's cold, cynical and uncaring. He knows what he wants and he knows how to get it. Watch him bleat. Then quack. Then kill. (Donkey Gums) http://b3ta.com/board/4204571 Can I get get a special mention? For IndieSinger? Cos it's funny? http://www.b3ta.com/board/4215822 >> This Week's Challenge << This week, B3ta contributor Zak McFlimby gave us the suggestion, "Goggles of Truth". http://b3ta.com/challenge/goggles/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * SPACKER SPECS IN MAG - a few weeks ago we mentioned Grandma of Shoes' lovely collection of pictures of his friends wearing stupid glasses. They reached UK 'tits and dead people' magazine Bizarre. We only mention it 'cause Grandma was pissed he didn't get a credit. So we're doing it for him. http://img151.exs.cx/img151/3200/shoes3nw.jpg * CELEBRITY DINNER CLUB EXPOSED - we linked a site offering an opportunity to get crappy Z-listers round for dinner. This ended up all over the papers, the most interesting mention being on the Guardian. Turns out it was a joke, But the lovely lady who thought it up is now thinking of doing it for real. (Scroll down to Stargazing - Hasbeens on toast). http://www.guardian.co.uk/g2/story/0,3604,1402814,... * FOOTBALL PRESENTER NIGEL SPACKMAN - "I work at Sky Sports," giggles mcmuff, "His nickname is 'Spackers'. When he's live on telly and the director tellS a cameraman to get closer to Spackers, I crack up." ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Notepad Invaders Defend your note book against evil aliens from Planet Biro. Rob and Dave made this little hand-drawn Space Invaders game and right pretty it looks too. http://robmanuel.blogspot.com/2005/02/notepad-inva... ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * SLICED BREAD WITHOUT CRUSTS - c'mon supermarkets, you'd clean up with this. 80% of the little people inside our heads said crusts make them suspicious. * MORE BLOGGERS SACKED - their moaning makes us giggle. You know who you are. * AN IDEA GENERATOR - this bit of the newsletter is really tricky to write, as if we do have a really good idea, why should be throw it away? Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Links sent in by nash0819, 100% Kitten, Sean, isthisyou? lankygingerfool Top Tippery by Rob. Racism by the_unforgiven04. Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry. Board research by Fnord. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob. Proofing by b404ta. (76637) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: SMOKERS! When buying your shopping online, throw in a couple of packets of Amber Leaf. It's a nasty smoke, so there's always some left when you run out of fags at 3 in the morning. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive