we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 167: "WOMEN WHO BREAST-FEED CATS. AND THE CATS WHO LOVE THEM" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * VID - Monkey licks window * PICS - Man slices penis * CONSUMER TESTS - Cillit BANG! Any good? ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Monkey window-licker << New Matt writes, "I went to the zoo. It was great. We saw a monkey licking a window." We want to see this made into one of those 'clean your monitor' things. Nothing shifts dirt and grime like fresh chimp-spittle. And we should know. http://www.5318008.co.uk/monkey/ >> Cillit BANG! << The Cillit BANG! advert has been amusing a fair number of people in the UK with its sheer preposterousness. One of the claims it makes is to be able to shine your money up all lovely. Intrepid Adam Welch puts the oddly-named cleaner to the ultimate test. http://bang.adamwelch.co.uk >> Big squirrel << Grey squirrels are little nazis. They came from America to Britain in the 19th century and virtually wiped out the red squirrel population. R.Fowden has just been to New York with his camera and a bag of nuts, hoping to hunt down the ultimate big daddy squirrel. Just look at the size of this cocky fucker: http://www2.b3ta.com/images/rob/thatsafuckinghuges... >> First drink of the day << Joel's been busy and got himself a full-scale ska band. Made of monkeys, it seems. Here's the early fruit of their collaboration: a paean to the ever-glorious first drink of the day. Huzzah! http://www.rathergood.com/first_drink/ >> Gigantic KitKat Corner << You've got to follow your dream, no matter where it leads you. "I made a giant KitKat out of four KitKat Chunkies," brags Qwghlm, "So I could pretend to be a tiny, chocolate-loving pixie eating a normal-sized one." Well done, sir. 56495127@N00/sets/96668/show/" target="_blank">http://www.flickr.com/photos/56495127@N00/sets/966... ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Job Interviews Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes and lies into one handy place on the interweb. Last week we asked for job interviews you'd had or conducted that stuck in your memory: http://b3ta.com/questions/jobinterviews/ #1 Pills "Interviewer noticed that I had DJ as a hobby. He asked what sort of music I played and when I replied Hard Trance, he then lowered his voice and mentioned he had a load of pills he wanted to offload and could I sell them at my next gig?" (essbeenz) #2 Oven Gloves "We look for lots of common sense. So, IT grad straight out of uni arrives at 9am for an interview, my boss tells him to swap the hard drives in a bunch of PCs, adding 'Oh, here's some anti-static gloves," before handing him a pair of bright red oven gloves with OXO written on 'em in big white letters. He changed four drives before going to lunch and never coming back. We were all next door pissing ourselves." (Professor Yaffle) #3 Uncle Fester "A recruitment company wrote 'Please do not be put off by his resemblance to Uncle Fester off the Addams Family'. And it was uncanny! As was the crowd of people wanting to see what he looked like." (MartinH) We'd also like to congratulate Grebe on this stream of consciousness: "Shagged his daughter, got the job, shagged her again, dumped her, dad found out, sacked before start date." >> This Week's Question << We'd like you to sing us the rude words you made up to songs as a kid. Audition here: http://b3ta.com/questions/songs/ ------------------------------------------------- : HALL OF FAME Good links that never die Rusty is gay - the charming 1950s-styled, illustrated story of a nine year old boy's forbidden love for firemen. A true web classic. http://www.ling.upenn.edu/~kurisuto/rusty/rusty.ht... ------------------------------------------------- : HEADLINE WATCH Because subeditors are funny * FAMILY PICNIC MARRED BY CHILD'S DEATH - Ealing Leader. A rather callous angle on the death of a child. * MIRACLE DONKEY - local newspaper in South Australia. The story about a donkey who cheated death in two bushfires. * MAN ALMOST HAS CHIP PAN FIRE - Barrow in Furness paper. Isn't that... just... cooking chips? * NEW BLOW FOR JOBS - Hoddesdon and Broxbourne Mercury, front page banner headline. Seen a good headline? Tell us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates. >> Breast-feeding kittens << This hits all the right buttons for us. Pretty Japanese ladies feeding cats from their woman-breasts. If any B3ta readers would like to try to suck milk from their cat's nipples we'd love to hear from you. http://www.saaitmedia.com/media.php >> Sweary Star Trek spoof << Wah! A funny Star Trek parody. We were utterly gobsmacked. Great Eddie Izzard-style narative and loads of lovely swearing. Who'd have thought? http://mediachill.com/Star%20Crap.htm >> Man slices up penis << This is what happens when a bloke uses a scalpel to slice his old chap up like a cheap salami. A contender for the new classic foul image to shock your friends. http://www.livejournal.com/community/tws_support/3... >> Graphics card spunk-cleaning << An amusing troll on a messageboard about installing your own computer parts. What's the best way to clear semen from the inside of your PC case? http://www.nvnews.net/vbulletin/showthread.php >> Electrical parts porn << This is what the little electronic bits inside your computer get up to while you're asleep. The dirty little fuckers. http://snipurl.com/ccje >> Face morpher << This is wonderful- upload a photo and you can see what you'd look like drunk, or as a child, or as a member of a different race altogether. The results don't always work, but they are funny. http://www.dcs.st-and.ac.uk/~morph/Transformer/ >> "Polar Express is shit" << It's very nerdy, but we tremendously enjoyed this well-informed rant about the quality of the CGI in the Chistmas blockbuster. Great pics too. http://wardomatic.blogspot.com/2004/12/polar-expre... >> Juggling machine << Claude Shannon has been heralded as the founding father of digital communication, but to us he'll always be the wayward genius who invented the juggling machine. Watch and learn. http://www2.bc.edu/~lewbel/shortsha.mov >> 9/11 Pentagon plane << Conspiracy theories related to the events of 9/11 are rife. While we don't quite buy into the story that there never was a plane flown into the Pentagon, we enjoyed exploring the web of paranoia. http://www.pentagonstrike.co.uk/flash.htm ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Snoozy ginger kitty Asleep and dreaming of happy things, this copper coloured kitten is at peace with the world. http://snipurl.com/ccmo BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on the web recently? Tell us. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER For fuck's sake, make it stop * NIGEL SPACKMAN - Liverpool footballer. * GOATZE CARAMEL CREAMS - please tell us these don't have red centres. * KICK A POO LUCKY EAGLE CASINO - bizarre mental image. ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Scale Challenge Each week we run a competition to test your creative skills. We set a challenge and you open Photoshop and mess with our heads. Last week we wanted you to make big things small and small things big: http://b3ta.com/challenge/scale/ We asked B3ta boarder 'Benny on the Loose' to judge the entries - here are his 3 faves. Benny writes - #1 "The Snail is coming! Oh no, hang on, they always leave that sort of trail... - Winner this week is a cautionary tale about the dangers of genetically modifying cabbages! (Dai Marzipan) http://www.b3ta.com/board/4181498 #2 "That was the last time MC Escher worked with Jeremy - As we all know, Jeremy Beadle's maladjusted wank spanners have bought the board literally minutes of fine entertainment over the years. None, however, have come close to this absolute cracker. Hurrah, I say! (Beardo) http://www.b3ta.com/board/4185391 #3 "Cave Ahead! - This made me laugh far more than is probably right. Still, once the authorities get a hold of this I shall be laughing even more from the Public Galleries, as Miss FPM has her day in court! (Funtastic Pony Magic) http://www.b3ta.com/board/4182685 A special mention to RetLek, I couldn't let this one pass, although slightly tenuous in the scheme of things (rules are rules) simple, effective & had me laughing so much, my proctologist had to re-stitch me! http://www.b3ta.com/board/4189452 >> This Week's Challenge << This week, The Challenge Dictator asked us simply to photoshop ducks http://b3ta.com/challenge/duckinghell/ ------------------------------------------------- : RANCID PETS Vomity CD cat Alison Jason writes, "My cat Opi licks the edges of my stack of blank CDs only to puke almost immediately after. We try to keep him away, but he's obsessed... so much so I am thinking about licking it myself to figure out what the fuck is going on." Woo. What revolting thing does your pet do? Tell us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * NORWEGIAN DISCO NOT NORWEGIAN - Any number of Finnish readers wrote in, keen to point out that our Scandinavian disco feature last week was actually from Finland. They actually seem proud of that. If you enjoyed it, here's a second helping of crap Finnish joy: http://www.kebab.fi/files/videot/armi_ja_danny.mpe... * GIVEMEBACKMYGOOGLE.COM - last week we asked you to start a protest site with the above name. Looks like one of you did. But couldn't be arsed to finish the job, simply sticking up a photo of a hamster called Larry. Must try harder. ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Wasting time is always good >> Chaos Theory << This is so simple that the fact it's in Japanese doesn't matter one bit. A bunch of blue dots spill upwards onto the screen. Wait a bit. Wait. Wait. OK, now! Click once to start a chain reaction of explosions. Can you get it to engulf every one of the dots? (Site has pop-ups. Beware) http://www.2flashgames.com/f/f-1211.htm ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * DOES YOUR CAT HAVE A SPECIAL TRICK? We'd like to see video proof. * FARTMONICA - play the mouth organ through your arse. * A PET you can keep in a lightbulb. That way you'll always see its smiling animal face. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson, Mike Trinder and Team Wiki. Links sent in by FunkyUK, lemony, leahlovesjackass, Mr Hangman among others. Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob. Proofing by the trash b4ta bats. (76880) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Need to sneeze at a moment when it'd be inappropriate to do so, like during sex or a funeral? Tickling the roof of your mouth with the tip of your tongue counteracts the sneeze impulse. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive