we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 165: "THE POOR TASTE ISSUE" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * RUDE - obscene write-ups this week * DRUNK - we're still pissed from last night * BLAME - Ben Wheatley is a bad influence on Rob ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Work-safe pron << You might remember CCC for his monkeyman Tunbridge Wells tabloid gaying of a few years back. And now? He's re-invented himself, Bowie-like, as a porn star. Huzzah. We've been wanking furiously for hours. Oops. We've just come. All of us. From our cocks. http://xxxplayboys.blogspot.com/ >> Animals reviewed << El_pollo_diablo has hit on a new idea. He's been busy categorising all the worlds creatures, what a cunt! Some kind of acuntipedia or something. We chuckled at the autism gags... http://animalreviews.zelica.net/reviews/cat.htm >> Dogs can fuck off << Dogs are shit, it's a well know fact. Even the RSPCA think they are whiney, stuck up cunts that deserve to be killed. Here is the proof, in dogumentary form. Eat that, Lassie and Shnorbitz. http://www.markta.co.uk/flash/dogs.swf ------------------------------------------------- : VIRAL HALL OF FAME Sponsored by some ad agency stuck in the 90s Some video clips never die. No matter if you're looking at the internet now, or via some magic robot in 2006, people will still be sending round the same links. Including this one. A compendium of cats falling over, guaranteed to make you smile - conclusive proof of cats' superiority to the spineless canine. http://www.energyradio.fm/content/sillycats.asx ------------------------------------------------- : MUMMY THAT FINGER IN MY ANUS IS HURTING It's funny names corner >> Safety Boy Flange Spreader << Does exactly what it says on the tin. You tit. Read the fucking tin. Oh. There's no tin. Bugger. Look, it's just a rude sounding bit of equipment. Giggle, if that's your kind of thing. http://www.newmantools.com/hand/safetyboy.htm >> Mr Shaw-Twilley << Britain's unluckiest headmaster works in the Isle of Man. He never gets teased by his students as his penis is actually huge and casts a shadow across the whole of their revolting inbred isle. And what about those Manx cats? Fucking horrible. http://www.isis-north.co.uk/cnt_showschool.asp ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates. >> London underground song << Biggest link this week has to be this MP3 to the tune of The Jam's 'Going Underground', detailing exactly why tube staff are cretinous, work-shy cunts. We've had sent to us, ooh, lots. BTW: Tube drivers fuck moles. And when they can't get moles they use prostitutes. Fact. http://www.happyperson.co.uk/London%20Underground.... >> My little penis << Someone has taken a photograph of our penises and uploaded them onto the web. Using FTP. What a bunch of cunts. Check out our proud manhoods. Not safe for work. Unless you work in a cock factory. http://images.google.com/images >> Teenage Ninja Porno Turtles << This is honest-to-God, solid gold internet genius. Watch slack-jawed in awe as the cock wielding amphibians go about sticking their perverted stiffies into various badly animated orifices. The nunchuck anal scene is a particular pleaser. http://www.people.fas.harvard.edu/~janicak/tmntnet... >> Rocky IV Vs. Candid camera << Imagine, if you will, that Dom Joly lost weight by contracting AIDS. He might look like this, and be funny. We have watched this clip on every device in the house and it was amusing on all of them, except on the palm pilot, which is clearly a poor device for delivering comedy. http://users.skynet.be/Patsy/126.swf >> Coon Island << Read this 1950s cartoon annual of Rupert the Bear visiting "Coon Island" and making friends with the "darkies" - who he can't quite understand because their speech is "funny" and "queer". That it's being hosted on a white-power website makes us cringe, to be honest. But fascinating stuff. http://www.aryanunity.com/rupert.html >> Squirrel taxidermy deacanter << The prospect of pouring a drink out of the neck of squirrel is strangely erotic. Here our taxidermy dreams come true. Apparently Terry Nutkins owns two. http://www.customcreaturetaxidermy.com/novelties/n... >> NWA folk stylee << NWA hit controversy in the 80s with their celebration of gang culture, misogyny and republican-baiting lyrics. Folk artist Nina Gordon takes their Straight Outa Compton track and brings lilting lyricalism to the party. Sweetly pretty, and rather amusing actually. http://www.ninagordon.com/audio/straightouttacompt... >> Book a "celebrity" for your dinner party << Wow. What a site. Here you can book a crappy forgotten celeb, and get them to come round for dinner. If there's not a TV show in this, then we are a Welshman. Although we'd prefer booking 80s soul popsters ABC, feed them LSD laced soup, and them rape them until their saxaphones burst. You can also book Shnorbitz. (To bugger him blind, come in his ears and make him spunk-deaf. Your mileage may vary.) http://www.supperwiththestars.co.uk/mainFRAMES.htm ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Three-way furry goodness >> Kung-Fu Kitten << This perfectly timed photo is like something out of a martial arts flick. With a cat. Or a kitteny Wayne Sleep. http://www.dominocat.co.uk/wrath/wrath_files/image... >> Pocket Size Primates << Keeping up the game for cute primates this week we have these insufferably adorable infant Pygmy Lorises. Look at their teeny tiny fingers. Brilliant, aren't they? http://cellar.org/2002/pygmyloriskids.jpg >> Japanese Blog of Cute << It's a killer combination: loads of pictures of cute animals and incomprehensible East-Asian writing. We're reliably informed that it's utter filth, though, so if your boss knows Japanese, take care... http://www.10e.org/mt/archives/animal/ BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on the web recently? Tell us. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Pure Ignorance Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes and lies into one handy place on the interweb. Last week we asked for examples of ignorance you'd overheard. Most of them featured Americans for some reason. http://b3ta.com/questions/ignorance/ #1 The Chat Up King "My flatmate's boss's 18 year old son was over from Los Angeles. According to him, his chat-up lines never failed. In a pub near the Millwall ground, against our advice, he tried this: "Hey there! Is your dad a thief?" "What the FUCK did you just say to me?" (flustered) "...because he stole the stars and" "Do you want me to break your fucking neck?" "Hey, hey, sorry, I just..." "FUCK OFF!" He almost cried." (browser) #2 I'm Free! "In a pub, playing Millionaire, we're up to five quid and up comes "Whose catchphrase was 'I'm Free!'?" We all smile smugly, but Tania leans across. DUM DUM DUM! Wrong Answer! Tania, if you're reading this then I hope to God that you now know that Nelson Mandela did not walk out of prison after twenty odd years and, in front of a crowd of anti-apartheid protesters and half the world's press, say: "I'm free!" ...in a camp voice." (gluskap) #3 Brown Paint "My mum once said she she was off to buy some 'N***** Brown' paint. After explaining that you can't call it that, we check the colour chart and find it's now called "Conker Brown". Later, in the shop, mum walks up to assistant of Afro-Caribbean persuasion: "I'd like some 'Conker Brown' paint please" "Conker Brown?" "Yes, you know, the one that used to be 'N***** Brown'." (sumo_san) >> This Week's Question << We'd like you to tell us about the black sheep in your family. Who don't you talk to any more? http://b3ta.com/questions/blacksheep/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Action Grannies Challenge Each week we run a competition to test your creative skills. We set a challenge and you open Photoshop and mess with our heads. Last week we wanted you to show us what the modern Granny gets up to: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/actiongrannies/ We asked B3ta boarder 'thediscokingpin' to judge the entries - here are his 3 faves. thediscokingpin writes - #1 "This gave me the biggest laugh. Taking both the Action Man notion and adding the daily rhetoric of old folk was a winner to me. The simple animation loop and the good source photo just left the dialogue, and its spot on." (The Snockerty Friddle) http://b3ta.com/board/4146299 #2 "A superb No. 2 for Halk for making me nearly vomit with the squeamish combination of the animation and the pleasant and indeed welcoming face of an elderly lady being gratified." (Halk) http://b3ta.com/board/4131863 #3 "At No.3, corington with the psychic powers gran. For me this just smacks of an image made by a fairly warped mind, and that always tickles my fancy. The classic three scene set-up, the clear images, nicely made, and very funny." (corington) http://b3ta.com/board/4132424 "A highly commended award has to be given to Duffer for his/her spin on the classic 'Is it real?' shot." http://b3ta.com/board/4131966 >> This Week's Challenge << This week, The Challenge Dictator told us to photoshop, "Natural Rejection" http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/naturalrejection/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * MANTLEPIES BBC THREE MAYHEM - As you may recall, the chaps from www.mantlepies.com made some silly sketches for the BBC. Because the BBC is run by filthy communists, they're allowed to put them up on the web for free. They're fantastic. Especially the gently surreal ipod one. http://www.mantlepies.com/stupidversion.htm ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * GET SOMEONE SACKED - download a load of porn, claim it was sent to you by a workmate and demand a sacking. Can't find good porn? B3ta's more determined wankers are using fusker these days. Google it. * BURGLARY BLOG - the criminal underclass are vastly more interesting than your average twat with a PC. Break into houses. Blog the loot and your experiences. You'll have a book deal before the filth can say, "you're nicked". Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with Ben Wheatley and team B4ta. Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry. Board research by Fnord. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob. Proofing by the thankfully sober b4ta. Popular on P2P networks without leaving a trace on blogs, newsgroups and messageboards since 2001. (76848) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: "To prevent feet from getting cold the Japanese stuff a chilli pepper in their socks. It helps, but you really should take them out before disco." Anyone want to test this one? Anyone? next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive