we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 163: "A BIG GLITTERY POO" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * PRESENTS - Buy B3ta stuff for Xmas * HUMAN ZOO - Leg nipple vs Dragon cock * GAMEBOY DS - We've got our hands on one ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Leg nipple << You've all seen mice growing human ears - here's a leg that grew a nipple. Scott of Jacksonville, Florida was horribly burned in a trailer park fire when he was 15. Doctors used skin from his chest on his badly damaged legs - which then grew a nipple. So he pierced it. Next week Scott grows a cock on his elbow. http://snipurl.com/bfrb >> Tattooed dragon penis << If we had the cash and weren't such big jessies, we'd have our manhoods decorated with ferocious tattoos, much like this brave fellow, whose tool is adorned with a scary dragon called Puff. Nothing impresses the ladies like whipping out a mythological beast. NSFW. http://www.trutje.nl/images/shitsies/dragon.jpg ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Blunkett game, Gift guide, Stickmen & Foil hats >> David Blunkett game << This week the British media has been totally obsessed with the resignation of visually impaired politician David Blunkett. He'd been shagging like a beast and it all turned nasty. Oh well. B3ta boarder Tedious decided to mark the end of an era with a great new game. He says: "I think I might be going to hell." http://www.thomasscott.net/flash/blunkett/ >> B3ta Christmas gifts << If you've not got Aunty Joan a present yet, B3ta is here to help. Flick through our festive guide to the best things to give your loved ones. Or yourself. All made by the talented lovelies of the B3ta. We're like QVC with badly drawn cocks. http://www.b3ta.com/features/giftguide/ >> Ambitious Stickman vid << "I've done a few animations but decided to try something more elaborate," types Durbster. "I came up with this animated art heist. I am very happy with it." Clever and arty rather than laugh out loud funny. http://www.durber.com/kev/animation/thejob.html >> Tinfoil Hat anim << "I've made an new animation", babbles Eclectech, "with Miss Prism and Doghorse." Woo. Stick with it, the introduction is a bit flabby but the rest is worth waiting for. http://eclectech.co.uk/mindcontrol.php ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA CALENDAR Stick us on your wall What better way to brighten up your wall next year than with the B3ta calendar? Featuring an image every month from B3ta's top photoshop gurus. We've hand-picked the best thirteen and now they're immortalised in print. We think it's worth every penny. http://www.cafepress.com/b3tacalendar.15160559 ------------------------------------------------- : Weebl DVD Competition Winners announced Last week we gave you the chance to win a signed copy of Weebl's spanky new DVD. We asked you to complete the phrase "I'd like to bum Jonti because..." And the lucky winners are: "...I'm dying of AIDS, and I'm taking him with me." (naked_jamie) "...one day he'll be famous and I'll be able to sell my nob on ebay." (sjb_1973) If you didn't win, then you can still buy the DVD via our gift guide. http://www.b3ta.com/features/giftguide/ ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Childhood bad taste remembered Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes and lies into one handy place on the interweb. Last week we wondered just how bad your childhood taste could be: http://b3ta.com/questions/badtaste/ The answer? Awful. And you sent us pictures to prove it too. Really. Check the photos. * The Permed Mullet "I owned, and proudly wore, pastel yellow and pastel blue cardigans. Just after the grey pleated trousers, burgundy tanktop and white grandad shirt phase." (darfbozo) http://b3ta.com/questions/badtaste/post19544/ * The 80s Batwing Jacket "This was my favourite jacket for a good deal of the 80s. What you can't see are the impressive 'batwing' arms." Nice pout too... (Beardo) http://b3ta.com/questions/badtaste/post19611/ * The King of Haircuts From bowl to half-inch thick parting to "who's that girl?" (MrC - king of lurkage) http://b3ta.com/questions/badtaste/post19788/ Also worth checking out is Igneous's year by year breakdown of fashion mistakes: http://b3ta.com/questions/badtaste/post19846/ >> This Week's Question << We'd like you to tell us just how Scrooge-like your bosses become with the office Christmas party. Tell us how much you've always fancied us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/officeparties/ ------------------------------------------------- : GAMEBOY DS Our favourite new toy Craig from GBAX sent us a lovely Christmas gift - a brand new Gameboy DS, direct from Japan. We've been playing with it all week and reckon: * It's fucking huge. Goodbye elegance of the SP. * Dual screen is more than a novelty. As an interface it rocks bells. * Goodbye 2D gaming. This device is the equivalent of N64 vs SNES. * The wireless stuff will get interesting once some clever monkey hacks it and allows it to connect to your home PC and download ROMs. If this is your bag, then get your UK orders in by the end of Friday and Craig will sort you out with one for Xmas. http://www.gbax.com/new/ds.html ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Other stuff that rocks our world >> Teddy bear guys << Steven and Shane are The Bear Guys, a pair of sinister-looking gentlemen in brightly-coloured knitwear who make teddy bears for a living. Go on, look at the funny gays. http://thebearguys.com/aboutus.htm >> Piercing for speccy twats << James Sooy has a solution to a problem that has baffled the four-eyed since the beginning of time - how to stop your glasses from sliding down the bridge of your nose. It's easy. Simply bolt them in place and turn your disability into extreme body-art. http://www.bmezine.com/news/pubring/20041214.html >> USB eye massager << The Chinese are the most advanced race on Earth, technologically speaking. Evidence of this can be found at a site selling USB-powered eye relief for stressed geeks. Available in four colours. We hear it's very popular with lesbians. http://snipurl.com/bfjy >> Sex tourist holiday snaps << We like Winston a lot. His photo journal lovingly documents every moment of a six-month odyssey through Russia and Latvia in search of pretty Soviet ladies. It's worth reading every word, but the impatient may wish to skip to page 130, where he finally gets lucky. http://snipurl.com/bfeq >> "Piss monkeys! We've uploaded babble" << Traditionally designers use a passage of dummy Latin in the place of real text when they're setting up new webpages. Portsmouth University use something altogether more entertaining. http://www.port.ac.uk/research/humanitiesgroup/ >> Text-to-speech lady << Text-to-speech converters are an Internet favourite, and this modern version works well by using a foxy-looking animated lady. Try the male voice option for extra oddness, or insert dirty talk to use the service as an exciting masturbatory aid. http://snipurl.com/bfly >> Russian tape archive << Forget Ogg Vorbis, cassette tapes are the format of the future, and this Russian site is its iTunes. Exhaustingly, obsessively comprehensive, it archives all your blank analogue favourites, including seminal historical artifacts from BASF and Memorex. http://c-90.nm.ru/index.htm ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH It's a bit of cute alright We've had our spies out scouring the globe's five corners for the babiest cuddly things. Just for you. >> Baby Elephant << B3ta reader mattfinder is in Thailand and has been off visiting a home for sick and orphaned elephants. He dashed to a computer to send us word of two new arrivals. http://www.changthai.com/update/view.php BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on the web recently? Tell us. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : KILL YOURSELVES NOW It's funny names corner Stuart Green has been in contact to tell us about his former life working in the grim gravel pits of Northern England. "I used to have to call up and order building materials - sand, gravel and the like - direct from quarries," he grunts. "I still pity the poor woman who had to answer the phone and announce 'Hello, Scunthorpe Slag'." ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Afterlife Challenge Each week we run a competition to test your creative skills. We set a challenge and you open Photoshop and mess with our heads. Last week we wanted to see what really happens when you die. http://b3ta.com/challenge/afterlife/ We asked B3ta boarder 'Little Ralphy' to judge the entries - here are his 3 faves. Ralphy writes - #1 "Reincarnation, of course - I have always wondered what Uncle Albert would look like if he were reincarnated as a rabbit. The result was more pleasing than I could have possibly hoped for. (manwithunderpantsonhead) http://b3ta.com/board/4042940 #2 "I regret nothing! - We all know we are going to be processed back into food when we die, but I hope my meat deserves more than the tesco blue label. (Manic) http://b3ta.com/board/4041015 #3 "Ping! - The nonchalant look on God's face as he flicks the poor little parson across the table is just perfect!" (Zak McFlimby) http://b3ta.com/board/4040022 >> This Week's Challenge << This week, the challenge dictator wants some "Greetings Cards for Any Occasion" http://b3ta.com/challenge/greetingscards/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * NAME THAT TUNE goes from strength to strength. Since we featured Chthonic and Rob's new game last week, it's been featured on just about every blog ever and has notched up more than 2,000,000 pages. See if you can come up with an artist no-one else has thought of. http://www.chthonicionic.net/whatsthatsong/ * CHEWIT POO has been difficult to track down but B3ta contributor pussyferrari offers up a tale for the scatologically inclined. "My friend worked as a dancer at the Raymond Revue Bar," he tells us. "After a week there, she was talking to the other dancers about the glitter lipstick they wore all evening. Because they eat and drink between shows, the glitter ends up getting into their systems. The next day my friend was very pleased and proud to produce her first glitter poo." Very festive. * MJ "HEY HEY 16K" HIBBETT has been invited to the HQ of big radio station BBC 6 Music to join in with Steve Lamacq's Sunday show. He'll be singing a special Christmas song along with a choir. How lovely. ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Mouse co-ordination challenge This one's simple. Just move the red dot around the screen and pick up the black dots on your way. Don't touch the sides though. We've been playing it for hours now and feel slightly queasy. http://www.andkon.com/arcade/obstacles/dr3i/ ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * HUMAN TAXIDERMY - a freshly stuffed granny or uncle. Lots of people die at Christmas so take advantage. * FANTASTIC AUTISTICS - stories and photographs of your geeky friends and family. * AMATEUR SELF IMMOLATION - go out in style. Just make sure you film it. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was edited by Rob Manuel, David Stevenson and Lucy Reese. Written by team b4ta wiki. Links sent in by you lot. Top Tippery by badhorsey Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry. Board research by Fnord. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob. Proofing by the bearded b4ta elves. (76012) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Need to clean a carpet in a hurry? Hoover not up to the job? Get a large-format newspaper like the Guardian and a can of display mount adhesive. Spray one side of one page, and put it sticky-side down on the carpet. Apply pressure and then lift - it'll take away most of the dust, hair and nastiness with it. One paper can clean an average-sized carpet in about ten minutes. But will likely give you cancer from the fumes. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive