we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 161: "DOGS THAT SPEAK LIKE MEN" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * VID - Eastenders Silent Movie * FASHION - Children's Knitted Gimp Masks * FACT - People Falling Over Is Funny ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Eastenders Silent Movie << Remember when Eastenders used to be good? Do you really? 'The Original Woodsman' thinks the show hit its peak around 1917 and points to this rare archive footage as proof. We love it, and you should too. http://www.mediapill.com/blog/graphics/endersxmas1... >> Celebrity Sex Dolls << "Hello," says B3ta user *kat*, "I thought I'd use my spare time making something breathtakingly amazing and technically beautiful. So here's a line up of celebrity sex dolls." Oh, and it's NSFW - enjoy! http://celebritysexdolls.blogspot.com/ >> Advent Calendar - with Bouncing Boobs! << We don't usually like adstuff, but we couldn't resist this. Sputnikboy says "I just built a viral marketing thang for one of our clients. That's viral as in email; all the girls have been checked for hygiene. Thought it might cheer people up in the Xmas mayhem." http://www.musthavetoys.com/advent/ >> Xmas Paedo-lights << Tico24 has gone into stalking mode. He writes, "I woke up this morning to find some ugly Christmas lights going up across the road. I plan to keep an accurate record of the set-up process as it happens." That's pretty much it. It's simple and it's ugly. We'll be looking out for Tico's restraining order next week. http://www.santawatch.tk/ ------------------------------------------------- : FAUX-NAIVE ENQUIRY OF THE WEEK B3tard vs Crayola Acedias writes - "About a week and a half ago I emailed Crayola through sheer boredom - after all, who doesn't know what crayon tastes like? - and I got this reply today: "Dear Tom, Thank you for contacting us and sharing your thoughts. It is not planned to add any flavours to our Crayons at this time or in the future. Once again thanks for taking the time to contact us. Kind Regards, Joyce Tucker." >> Can you do better? << This email amused us muchly at B3ta Towers. We want you to have a go sending crank emails to different companies, and we'll print the best letters next week. Pass on your missives via: http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates. >> Child Gimp Suit << Picture the scene: it's Christmas day round Fred and Rosemary West's house, and the kids are unwrapping their presents. These lovely knitted gimp suits are just the sort of thing to buy a serial killer's abused offspring. http://snipurl.com/b2b6 >> 1950s Japanese Sex Guide << The Japanese might have brought us bukkake, but the nation has not always been so sexually advanced. These pictures are from a more innocent time, when the parents of today's generation had to be taught how to hold hands as well as other, more advanced, seduction techniques. http://snipurl.com/aymd >> Dogs That Speak Like Men << Dogs can't really speak, of course - that would mean a change in the pattern of evolution itself - but some furry fellows do a pretty good job of mimicking their masters, especially the lapdog at the end of this delightful footage. http://media.ebaumsworld.com/dogspeak.wmv >> People Falling Over Is Funny << TV networks the world over have cottoned on to this and have turned other people's accidents into televisual gold. They usually draw the line at serious injury, however, which we fear may be the case with this unwary barmaid. http://www.chilloutzone.de/files/04102704.html >> Kids Sing White Stripes << Xfm Radio has been running a competition to discover the UK's best school band. If there was any justice at all, 13-year old Oscar Scizier's Ye Olde Fighting Cocks should have won, as his psychotic version of the White Stripes' 'Seven Nation Army' ably demonstrates. Genius. http://snipurl.com/b2e1 >> Russian Bus of Fire << They say there's no smoke without fire, and that's certainly the case for these unlucky tourists, as a small malfunction with their coach's engine swiftly turns into a major conflagration. Like a roadside 9/11, but without the need for Arab terrorists. Or death. http://snipurl.com/b2cc >> One Man Band of the Future << We have seen the future of music, and his name is McRorie. Endowed with an awesome mullet and the dress sense of a sci-fi fitness instructor, this demented one-man band belts out electronic versions of rock classics. His meeting with Celine Dion is particularly special. Probably popular in Germany. http://www.mcrorie.ca/ ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Near Death Experiences Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes and lies into one handy place on the interweb. Last week we wanted to know about your near-death experiences: http://b3ta.com/questions/neardeath/ #1 Grenade! "My mate Jez brought back a Civil War surplus German stick grenade from Spain. Like normal, sane teenagers we went up to the woods and took turns throwing it at each other whilst shouting "Gott in Himmel!" Jez, pulling out the pin, suddenly realised that it might not be a dud after all and threw it like a girl, whereupon it landed at our feet. As we legged it, there was this bastard big explosion, closely followed by a collective crapping of pants." (ScaryDuck) #2 Express Train "I was 15 and standing on the platform of Meadowhall station when the track started to shudder with the approach of a fast intercity about to pass through. I don't like the fast trains much, so I held onto the timetable sign in preparation. A rather odd looking woman had been standing in front of me, but I thought little of it, until she grabbed my arm. And jumped in front of the Intercity. If I hadn't been holding onto the signpost ... we all looked down the track where all we could see was a torso. Just a torso. We had to get a bus home." (*kat*) #3 White Spirit "A long time ago I suddenly felt I needed to know what white spirit tasted like. It tastes like months in hospital and the American Poison Department being flown in. That, and lemonade." (Burb Lulls) >> This Week's Question << What have you lost over the years? Tell us all about it here: http://b3ta.com/questions/lost/ ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH A double dollop of dainty delight. We've been scouring the web for the cutest images known to man. And we hit paydirt. >> Baby Racoon << This little tyke is fresh out of his mum's belly by the look of him, wriggling with infant glee. http://snipurl.com/b2db >> Spa Monkeys << There's nothing more rewarding for a busy monkey than a steaming hot tub at the end of a hard day in the forest, as shown by this troupe of relaxing primates. http://snipurl.com/b2dd BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on the web recently? Tell us. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : HUMAN ZOO >> Who is Hegman? << A bald bloke with a conical hat and a tattoo dedicated to his mum has been causing mayhem in Essex. B3ta user Jay writes "According to the local paper, a few months back a woman kept having pictures of Hegman posted through her door, frightening her young daughter." And now Hegman is back! We love the detail in this letter about a recent sighting. Have you seen Hegman? Let us know. http://snipurl.com/b2fo ------------------------------------------------- : WILL SOMEONE KILL THIS FEATURE PLEASE ...it's the return of Funny Name Corner >> Gay Flashman << The executive producer for Channel 4 News is the unfortunately-named Gay Flashman. So, not only does she exist, but her name is also scrolled across your TV set every evening. Oh yes. >> Le shit << "I have something for the funny name corner", gesticulates onion enthusiast Yomgaille, with dead snails dropping from his lips. "It's in French though: It belongs to a place called "La mer de sable" which means 'the sand sea', but the URL is www.merdesable.fr which translates into English as www.shitsand.fr" >> Otis Reading << Following on from our Schindler's Lifts, it's been pointing about that Otis Lifts have their HQ in Berkshire, so that when you ring them up they answer thusly: "Hello, Otis Reading." >> Edith Munter << Merriam-Webster's dictionary might be claiming 'blog' as word of the year, but at B3ta Towers we haven't been able to read a paper or turn on the radio without hearing 'minging' and its red-headed step-child, 'munter'. Still, we can't help but be amused by Edith Munter. She's dead, though, so it's ok to laugh. Not like she can get upset. http://www.boulgerfuneralhome.com/obits/viewobit.p... ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Messing With History Challenge Each week we run a competition to test your creative skills. We set a challenge and you open Photoshop and mess with our heads. Last week we wanted you to mess with history: http://b3ta.com/challenge/history/ We asked B3ta boarder 'Sue Denham' to judge the entries - here are her 3 faves. Sue writes - #1 "Tiananmen Square, 1989 - there is something very pleasing about the thought of standing up to the oppression of Chinese Communism with your short, fat, hairy legs. (mechamatsimpsk) http://b3ta.com/board/3988965 #2 "Dawn of Man - I love this purely because I have to do sound effects every time I see it. Bonk! (pobblepop) http://b3ta.com/board/3989910 #3 "WWII - There were lots of entries featuring Hitler and/or Churchill, but this one made me laugh by far the most." (Hello Coco?) http://b3ta.com/board/3989459 >> This Week's Challenge << This week, The Challenge Dictator told us to imagine, "If Movie Plots Were Real". http://b3ta.com/challenge/movieplots/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * FUZZ MAGAZINE - Last week we mentioned the Home Office's planned police force magazine, and Rhodri's excellent mock-up of a front cover for it. Mystery Reader writes, "Nice effort, but the mag should be called 'Hello! Hello! Hello!'" You are correct, sir, and we salute you. * ELECTRIC TOOTHBRUSHES - We alluded to the use of these electronic marvels as arse-tinglers. B3ta user Wall wants to know where we got our facts from. "Are there any reported instances of brush slippage, overlubed and overzealous users without a means of retrieval having to resort to medical help?" he asks. "It's been a hotly-debated subject here at United Utilities and is now raising more questions than answers." * OLIVER POSTGATE is the Devil, it seems. Mitch writes, "He f@cked over the guy who wrote Postman Pat, if my memory of a Guardian article from a while ago is correct. B@stard Postgate!" Blimey. * NICEY AND WIFEY'S MEDIA CAMPAIGN CONTINUES They'll be in Waterstones in Piccadilly on Thursday 9th December, 6-9pm, helping to rescue poor shoppers from the turning on of the Christmas lights by serving lots of free tea and biscuits... Oh, and signing books. Come and play - it'll be fun! ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME bouncy mirror ball A nice, gentle game for a Friday afternoon, based on classic puzzler Reflexion. Bounce the ball round the maze by cunningly marshalling your formidable array of 'ball-mirrors'. http://oos.moxiecode.com/examples/reflex/ ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * SNOW KLANSMEN - but not too close to the burning crosses. * A ROYAL FUNERAL - haven't had one in ages and they're brilliant! * CRANK EMAILS - to manufacturers. We really enjoyed this week's and we want more. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: Edited by Rob Manuel & Dave Stevenson. Written by Fraser, Mike, Wifey, Rob Tinsley and the rest of Team Wiki. Top Tippery by the Phantom Tipper Links sent in by the silent majority Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry. Board research by Fnord. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob. Proofing by the secret b4ta baldies. (75758) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: To stop the needles falling off your christmas tree simply spray the whole thing with hair spray. Oh, but be careful not to set fire to it afterwards, and don't blame us if you do. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive